Solstice
by samhaincat
Summary: Occlumency lessons again with Harry's grief unleashed and Snape realizing his heart is still functional also Snape helping an abused Dracoootp spoilers, not slashmostly Snape, Harry & DracoComplete
1. Breakdown

Solstice  
  
CHapter 1, breakthrough  
  
"Fine, I'll try and teach him again!" Snape snarled at Professor Dumbledore.  
  
"Severus, please for me, don't take out all those old wounds gained from James, on Harry. Harry is not James, do not blame him for what happened." Dumbledore said quietly but his blue eyes held a warning.  
  
Snape sighed in frustration. "Don't worry I won't harm a hair on golden boys head."  
  
"Severus, try to do more than not harm him, Harry is suffering more deeply than anyone knows. Be patient with him." Dumbledore put a hand on Snape's shoulder. "Be kind, everyone appreciates some kindness."  
  
Snape's mask dropped for a second and he gave Dumbledore a haunted look as he remembered a time when Dumbledore granted him kindness.  
  
He gave a curt nod and exited his office.  
  
He encountered Harry in the hallway with his ever-growing menagerie of Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville and Luna. "Potter, get to my office." He snarled at him not pausing to stop but walking to his office at a clipped pace.  
  
Ron cast Harry a sympathetic look while Hermione squeezed his arm in support. Dumbledore had warned Harry that Snape would have to continue the Occlumency lessons, it was just too dangerous for Dumbledore to do it and Snape was the most skilled instructor in school.  
  
Harry went reluctantly, very reluctantly, he had argued with Dumbledore against the need for the lessons, with Sirius gone, he just didn't care if he ever learned them.  
  
He had barely walked into Snape's office before he was snarled at.  
  
"All right Potter now that you've got your way again and fooled Dumbledore into doing what you want, let's get something straight."  
  
Harry glared defiantly at Snape, he hated him almost as much as Voldemort. He interrupted: "I didn't fool anyone, I told the truth. I don't want these lessons!". Then as an after thought he added, "If you're still mad at me for looking into your pensieve, I am sorry. I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry for what my father did, but I'm not my father!" he shouted the last bit at Snape.  
  
Snape smirked sarcastically, "And the Dark Lord wants you over for his next tea party!"  
  
Harry's anger rose. "I'm not lying!" He yelled at Snape, frustration and anger evident on his face as his green eyes blazed. "I don't want to take these lessons, I don't care, it's too late, Sirius is gone."  
  
Snape smiled at him maliciously. "Yes Sirius is DEAD, but don't you care about Ms. Granger, Mr. Weasley and the rest of your entourage? Do you really not care if they follow Sirius into the veil or perhaps like Cedric end up dead at your feet?"  
  
Harry blanched. Before he could respond to Snape's words, Snape waved his wand and shouted "legilimens". Harry was completely unprepared. His last conscious thought was that Snape obviously wanted to punish him for looking at the pensieve.  
  
The memories came racing, he was back at the ministry of magic and he once again felt the incredible unbearable pain he experienced when Voldemort possessed him. It lasted only a moment before Snape ended the spell.  
  
Harry found himself collapsed to the floor and gasping for breath, his heart racing wildly as he trembled.  
  
Snape had considerably paled when he saw Harry's memory. Dumbledore hadn't given him all the details. With disgust and anger he reached down and grabbed Harry by the scruff of the neck and pulled him to his feet. "You have to concentrate and be on your guard at all times. The Dark Lord would have enjoyed knowing how much you hurt."  
  
Still shaking from the aftereffects Harry turned accusing yet pain filled eyes on Snape and managed to hoarsely whisper. "You are just as cruel and evil as Voldemort."  
  
A surge of anger coursed through Snape. His hand shook and with narrowed eyes at Harry's insult he waved his wand again. "legilimens".  
  
This time Harry relived Bellatrix Lestrange's curse on Sirius and then saw again, as if in slow motion Sirius fall though the veil. He also relived Lupin grabbing him to prevent him from running after his godfather into the veil. He heard his mind pleading with Dumbledore to kill him while Voldemort possessed him so he could see Sirius again. All of sudden the memories ended. Harry had collapsed onto the cold stone floor yet again. This time uncontrollable tears coursed down his face as he shook like a leaf. He brokenly whispered. "Sirius. I miss you."  
  
Snape stood still, frozen by what he had seen. Dumbledore's words washed over him and his own pledge not to harm Harry gnawed at him. He swallowed heavily, guilt tugging at his soul. Potter lay huddled on the floor taking deep breaths trying desperately to control his emotions. He slowly tried to rise to his feet. Instinctively Snape reached out grabbing him just above his elbows "Don't get up so fast Potter."  
  
Harry's head came up and he glared at Snape. In a tear filled choked voice he demanded. "Get your hands off me, I hate you, I hate you! You hoped that Voldemort would kill me, you no doubt celebrated when Sirius, when Sirius." His eyes flooded with tears and his voice ended in a sob. He started to slide back down the wall; his shaking legs unable to hold him up. Snape went down with him. His heart felt like a knife had pierced it when Potter had looked at him with those green tear filled eyes, Lily's eyes. Racking sobs shook Potter's body as his hair fell over his forehead and he succumbed to a flood of long held back tears; years of anguish all cumulating in this moment.  
  
Snape stayed close to the grieving boy but didn't touch him. "I didn't want Sirius dead, and I don't want you dead." He took a deep breath. " I could have said no to Dumbledore but I didn't. I want to help you." Snape quietly spoke close to Harry's ear.  
  
Inhaling sharply and getting his emotions under control momentarily, Harry choked out, "Liar, Dumbledore made you." He pushed hard against Snape to try to knock him back away from him. He hated so much for Snape of all people at Hogwarts to see him like this. He never cried in front of anyone, he almost did once in front of Lupin but he wiped away the tears, the only other time he almost did was when Mrs. Weasley held him after Cedric died. Yet here he was in his enemy's office and he couldn't fight off this awful all encompassing suffocating raw pain. Angry with himself as well as with Snape he again pushed at him.  
  
Snape grabbed his arms and calmly yet sternly said. "Stop it, none of this will bring Sirius back!". Harry's fists closed over Snape's robe but then another wave of pain and loss washed over him and his head dropped to hide his face. Snape's arms wrapped around Harry's shaking shoulders. Harry tried to fight against him but Snape's grip tightened and in a firm whisper he responded. "Shush, stop fighting this, you need to let go, let all that pain, frustration, hurt and helplessness out." Before Harry consciously realized what he was doing, he found himself sobbing into Snape's robes and whispering "Sirius" over and over again.  
  
Snape rested his chin on Harry's black hair. As he grew quiet, Snape loosened his grip and pulled back. Harry's hands immediately came up to wipe the tears from his face.  
  
"Don't be embarrassed." Snape said quietly.  
  
"I'm not." Harry responded louder than he meant too.  
  
Snape stood up. "Good, if crying in front of me, or rather on me doesn't faze you then we should be able to move right onto occlumency again."  
  
Harry closed his eyes tightly, misery washing over him. As his throat closed up he managed to croak out "Please no". He felt too awful to even get up let alone continue with this lesson. He felt sick and dizzy. He put his hands over his face and concentrated on breathing.  
  
He felt Snape's hands grab him by the shoulders again and lift him to his feet. "Don't worry I wasn't serious Potter, you are in no shape to do anything useful tonight."  
  
Harry nodded and attempted to head to the door. He wavered, feeling suddenly like he was going to be sick.  
  
Snape once again grabbed him by the shoulder and guided him over to a comfy old recliner then left him for a moment. Harry collapsed into it and felt too miserable to even look up. He heard a bottle being uncorked and then Snape held the bottle to his mouth. "Drink this." His stomach lurched violently and Harry turned his head away.  
  
"It will settle your stomach." Snape explained patiently, still holding the bottle up to him. He had also added some dreamless sleep potion, but decided not to tell Potter, he was sure Potter had no inclination to spend the night asleep in his office.  
  
Harry glanced up at him and then with a barely audible whisper said, "thanks" before slowly downing it in gulps.  
  
Snape took the bottle back to be refilled. He grabbed a warm comforter and placed it on Harry who had instantly fallen into an exhausted sleep.  
  
He then sat down across from him with a deep frustrated sigh. He had been deeply disturbed to learn that Potter had asked for death from Dumbledore when Voldemort possessed him. Dumbledore had kept that quiet, no wonder he was worried about him. Dumbledore was right, as usual. The boy who lived, suffered unbearably. When Potter had last looked at him with those wary, haunted, long lashed eyes, Lily's eyes, the realization had fully hit him that he didn't really hate Potter. He may have hated James Potter once upon a time but he never hated Lily. If she could see what had happened to her baby she would be pleading with him to take care of Harry.  
  
Snape sighed deeply again, looking at the sleeping teen, regret edged heavily in his voice. "I'm. I'm sorry Potter." He closed his eyes; it was torture saying that aloud even if no one heard him. Years of bottled up hate against a dead enemy's son were hard to release even if it was just into the silence. He opened his eyes again staring at Potter's limp form and softly added "I really don't hate you. I can't hate you because" he paused then added in a tormented voice barely above a whisper, "I loved your mother." 


	2. Humiliation

Just a little note: Thanks so much for all the reviews, I really really appreciate them. Here then is officially chapter 2, it's little slower and deals with the affer effects of chapter 1 but believe me it is all leading somewhere. I'll have chapter 3 up soon, just needs a few revisions but I warn you there is no Harry in it. For some reason Draco the brat pushed his way in so it's Snape and Draco. Hope you don't mind but the idea came from the end of this chapter and needed some explanation. Don't know about any of you but it's bugged me to no end that Snape who was bullied and humiliated while in school, condones Draco's behavior. Why is that? You'd think he'd squash him like a bug.  
  
Chapter 2: Humiliation  
  
Harry sighed contentedly and stretched. He felt so warm and safe and for once in a long time he had a great nights rest. He listened for the sounds of Ron and the others waking up but heard nothing. Puzzled he opened his eyes and saw a room that was definitely not in the Gryffindor house. He sat up abruptly. Seeing his glasses on a table next to him, he quickly put them on.  
  
Then it hit. The terrible sick feeling low in his stomach. He was in Snape's office! The previous night's events flooded back to him and he shivered with the horror of what had transpired. His eyes darted around the room. Thankfully Snape was no where in sight. He tossed back the warm comforter and realized that he wasn't wearing shoes. He scanned the floor and found them neatly placed beside the chair he had slept in. His brow furrowed, 'did Snape bother to take off my shoes?' The thought was very unsettling.  
  
He bolted to the door and up the stairs to his quarters. They were empty when he arrived. For the first time he glanced at a clock and realized with a sharp inhale that it was quarter to 11:00am. He had missed Divination and he was due in Potions in 15 minutes.  
  
He took a quick shower and changed his clothes. The thought of going into Potions was too overwhelming to think about. What would Snape do? What would he say? " Harry forced himself to take a few deep breaths to still his racing heart. A huge knot formed in his stomach and he closed his eyes for a moment wondering if he could handle the humiliation.  
  
'Don't let the enemy see your weakness', he thought to himself, but then again it was too late for that as far as Snape was concerned, he saw him at his most weak desperate moments last night. A surge of anger shot through Harry, how dare Snape make him relive Sirius's death, how dare he restrained him. How dare he make him spend a night sleeping in his office? 'But it was the best nights sleep you had in a long time', the little voice in the back of his mind said. Still with this ammunition Snape would make his life a living hell. He would constantly throw it in his face. "Potter cried on me, Potter cried on me." In total misery, Harry made his way to potions class.  
  
"Harry, Harry! Where have you been? Ron said you didn't sleep in your bed last night where were you? We were so worried?" Hermione ran over to him. "Are you ok? You look really pale." Harry looked at her and opened his mouth to say something but for a moment couldn't think of how to explain things. He couldn't tell her and Ron the truth; he didn't want them knowing what had happened. They would be horrified. "I um, I fell asleep in the library."  
  
"Ouch that couldn't have been very comfortable" Teased Ron.  
  
Harry forced himself to smile. "No it wasn't, those tables are hard." Hermione looked at him suspiciously.  
  
He walked into potions being very careful to not look to the front of the room.  
  
When everyone was seated, Snape started.  
  
"Today we will be learning how to make a remedy from the herb that is on your table. Does anyone know what that herb is?"  
  
Hermoine's hand shot up but Snape's focus seemed to be on Harry, who was staring at the herb very hard.  
  
"Potter! Can you tell the class what this is?"  
  
Harry cringed; he hadn't expected Snape to target him so quickly. He felt himself break out in a sweat. Taking a breath he forced himself to look up at Snape. The dark eyes were staring at him unblinkingly.  
  
"Well Potter, I haven't got all day!" He snapped impatiently moving closer.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Didn't you do your homework last night?" Snape threw at him, now standing in front of his table.  
  
"No, I wasn't feeling well." Harry responded, his heart racing with the certainty that Snape would now reveal what happened.  
  
"I see. Are you feeling better now." He asked with a raised brow.  
  
Harry nodded miserably.  
  
"Good! Then hopefully you'll be able to remember that this is Chamomile." Snape reached down, picked up a leaf and held it up continuing with the lesson. "Combined with red clover, it is good for curing a nervous stomach and helps to overcome shock."  
  
He walked back to the front of the classroom. "Take out your cauldrons and make the remedy." He glared at Neville. "Longbottom, you did remember to bring your cauldron this time?"  
  
Neville nodded, pulling it out from under the desk.  
  
"I know it will be virtually impossible but do try not to melt it this time. " Snape inwardly fumed. He wanted someone to pick on and couldn't quite make up his mind to target Potter. After last night, he seemed too vulnerable. It would have felt like kicking a puppy. He was hoping for some cocky arrogant move on his part this morning but instead Potter came in looking annoyingly humble. He barely made eye contact. Then it dawned on him. He was embarrassed. James Potter had certainly never been embarrassed. Unlike Snape himself who had perpetually been embarrassed and humiliated at school. How ironic that Potters son at this moment felt the same way.  
  
His thoughts were interrupted when Malfoy's voice vented the air. "Hey Potty, you should make some of this potion for yourself, you'll need it." Draco laughed maliciously.  
  
Snape's gaze snapped to Potter. Harry looked up at Snape, his eyes flashing with anger. He thrust his chin out and then grabbed his books and cauldron and stormed towards the door.  
  
"Potter, get back to your seat." Snape commanded sternly. Malfoy and some of the Slytherins started laughing. "Potter get back here or 50 points off Gryffindor!!!"  
  
Potter went to the door slamming it loudly behind him. Snape tore after him. "Class keep working on your potions! I expect them finished when I return!" He added in a menacing tone.  
  
"Oooo Potty's really in trouble." Malfoy cackled with glee as Snape went out the door.  
  
He sprinted down the hall catching Potter by the scruff of the neck. "What is the meaning of this? You do not have permission to just get up and leave whenever the whim hits you! You are just like your father, thinking you can do whatever you want when you want it!" Snape snarled at him.  
  
Harry turned furiously. "I'm not my father, get over it!!! If anyone is like my father it is YOU! You hate him because he humiliated you yet you turn around and continuously do the same thing! I never did anything to you, at least not on purpose and you." Harry stopped to take a deep breath. "You take one of the worst nights of my life and you tell someone like Malfoy who will use it to humiliate me over and over again. Well I guess you are enjoying yourself. Well done!"  
  
Snape, who was still gripping Harry's collar, gave him a shake. "Listen and listen to me well." Snape said in a low growl. "I did not, nor do I intend to tell anyone, aside from Dumbledore, the occurrences of last night."  
  
Snape's dark eyes bore into Harry's green ones. "But he said."  
  
"You and I both know that Mr. Malfoy runs off at the mouth. He has teased you about various things over the years, he was just trying to get a rise out of you and obviously he has succeeded remarkably well."  
  
Harry not breaking eye contact with Snape, shook his head. "So if it is just teasing why did you hate my father so much? Didn't he then just tease you? What they did was no different than what you do and what you encourage others to do!"  
  
Snape's hand at his neck shook slightly. Harry wasn't sure if it was from extreme anger at his words or that he had hit a nerve.  
  
He growled again. "I don' t encourage anyone in that behavior!"  
  
Harry challenged him. "Of course you do, you never deduct points from anyone in Slytherin, they can threaten and humiliate and treat everyone else like their feelings don't matter. I've seen you smile and laugh when Draco does it. What my father did to you was wrong but that doesn't give you the right to enjoy it when others do it!"  
  
"You don't understand the situation." Snape said menacingly.  
  
"I guess not!" Harry shook off Snape's hand. "Just leave me alone and stay away from me." He started walking down the hall when Snape's voice came after him. "You are to be in my office on Friday at 7:00pm don't be late!"  
  
Harry stormed off to the Gryffindor Rooms not bothering to answer or look back. 


	3. A Soul at the Edge of the Abyss

Quick Author Note. Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. It is inspiring. Lol live badgers hmmmm.ok ok I'm scared so here's Chapter 3. As I mentioned at the beginning of Chapter 2 it has irked me through all 5 books that Snape constantly condones Malfoy's behavior. Snape of all people based on his childhood humiliations should be the one who would stop someone like Malfoy and his ilk from doing the same to others. Yet as in book 2 we see him encourage Malfoy to break the rules when it comes to Harry (the snake scene). So as I was writing I found myself suddenly wanting to devise a reason why Snape constantly turned a blind eye and ear to Draco. BUT of course Snape is slowly becoming a tiny ity bit more human as I continue so at some point things have to come to a head. I highly doubt we'll ever see a human side of Draco in the future HP books (although I'd like to see him as something other than a carbon copy of Lucius) but I needed to do this to explain Snape's behavior. Sneak peak at Chapter 4, Harry will be back in the next chapter with Snape again.yes it will be tense, very very tense.  
  
Chapter 3-A soul at the edge of the abyss  
  
Snape felt like a wall of fire was creeping up his skin. He was furious. How dare Potter tell him how he should act. Potter didn't have a clue about anything! He walked back into his classroom slamming the door loudly behind him, making all the students jump. Longbottom dropped his ladle full of potion on the floor. Snape threw him a piercing dark look that made him scramble to the floor to clean it up.  
  
He went from student to student finding fault with every potion. Ms. Granger's was as usual perfect but he sneered at it implying the color was slightly off. She snorted in anger at him. He took 5 points off Gyryffindor for it. It pleased him to annoy her; she was after all Potter's friend.  
  
"Clean up your areas and when you are done you are dismissed!"  
  
The students scrambled to finish and left rather quickly sensing he was in a fouler mood than usual.  
  
The only ones left were Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle.  
  
"What's taking you three so long?"  
  
Draco answered. "I'm brewing up something that will shake up this school."  
  
"What?" Snape asked in a suspicious tone, making his way over to the cauldron.  
  
Crabbe and Goyle backed away and left the room in a hurry.  
  
"Cowards." Sniffed Draco.  
  
He looked at Snape with malevolent glee. " I've mixed some Belladonna and foxglove with an infusion of arsenicum. All that needs to be done is to slip some into Potter and Dumbledore's drinks and we'll be rid of them and the death eaters and the dark lord can take over the school and then we.."  
  
Draco never finished his sentence because something snapped inside of Snape. His anger over Potter's words combined with a horror over what he was hearing. A blind fury possessed him, he roughly pulled Draco away from the cauldron and backhanded him hard knocking him into the wall.  
  
"Are you insane!!! You stupid little boy! Where did you get the ingredients? Did you break into my locked cupboard?" He shouted at Draco, who lay crumpled against the wall, blood from his bleeding lip trickling down his chin. His eyes wide with shock and anguish.  
  
Snape with a feeling akin to having a bucket of ice water splashed over him, froze. He suddenly realized what he had done; he had hit a student and Draco of all students. Draco, who had always been his favorite. Shocked by his own actions he dropped down on the floor beside him.  
  
He sighed deeply, regret heavy in his voice. "I didn't mean to hit you.but what you have done." He reached for Draco's arm to help him up but Draco pulled back.  
  
"Why?" Draco asked hoarsely. "Of all the people here at Hogswarts, you're the one who knows. I trusted you!" Draco said haltingly. He bent his head to take a ragged breath. "How could you do this." He scrambled to his feet. Snape grabbed his arm; Draco looked up at him his gray blue eyes full of disillusionment and accusation. "You are the only person in the world." His voice faded as his head dropped and he focused on the floor.  
  
Snape's heart gave a painful jump, "Here let me see." He gently gripped Draco's pointed chin lifting his face. He gingerly touched the jaw noting the red mark his hand had left on Draco's pale skin. His lip had split at one corner but it had stopped bleeding. The straight blond hair so much like Lucius' had fallen over Draco's eyes, a single tear worked its way down his cheek but with a snort of disgust he quickly wiped it away.  
  
Snape shook his head and said quietly. "I'll get a potion that will help hide the bruise." Then staring at the boy he added. "Draco, we have to talk about this."  
  
Draco pulled his arm out of Snape's grasp, and tore out of the room. Snape let him go. Numbly Snape collapsed into his chair, his eyes closed.  
  
Why hadn't he just stayed in bed for the last two days. First the disturbing revelations about Potter last night. Now he had taken away the last tiny shred of trust that Draco Malfoy possessed and with it likely his only chance of saving him from becoming a death eater.  
  
Potter was right. Although Snape would rather have died than admit it. He always turned a blind eye and ear to Malfoy's antics. He did it out of fondness for Draco and because he knew the hellish life the boy suffered and the likely fate of a life in hell that awaited him. He suspected Draco would blindly strive for the darkness that Voldemort offered in the endless hope of impressing his father.  
  
Lucius was Snape's sole ally in school, the one who sided with him against the Potter gang. From that a friendship had grown. He was there when Lucius married. He knew Draco practically from when he was born. He also witnessed the increasing coldness and harsh demands Lucius placed on his son. Even though Draco was given every material possession a pampered prince could hope for, there was never any love. As Draco grew older, Lucius grew more violent and Draco latched onto Snape correctly sensing someone who cared for him. Snape never knew exactly how bad things had become until late into the summer after the 1st year when Draco ended up at Hogswarts in his office, bruised and bleeding. His words still burned in Snape's soul. "I had no one but you to turn too." Snape had been horrified to see Draco's back in shreds where Lucius after an intense argument had whipped him for losing out to Granger and Potter and most importantly not stopping Potter from thwarting Voldemort. Snape had hidden him in his office and with various potions had helped him to recover in time for the start of classes. He had marveled at how tough Draco had been. He never once cried or whimpered when the potions were applied even though Snape knew they burned like fire. He remembered back to year 3, when Draco faked his arm injury long after it had healed in order to avoid another Quidditch match with Potter-it was obvious he was terrified of losing again and the consequences that came with it. Draco had such few real pleasures in life that when he teased Potter or the others, Snape let him. Sometimes the bitterness in life made him lash out the same way. He hadn't realized until today how serious the situation had gotten. In Draco's never-ending attempt to please Lucius he had concocted the plan to kill Dumbledore and Potter.  
  
Having come from a violent home himself he knew the façade Draco put on and he knew how tempting the powerful dark side was. He wanted to be to Draco what Dumbledore was to him. A savior in the dark void of emptiness. Someone to give him a purpose and salvation, someone who cared and worried about him, someone cared whether he lived or died. He signed deeply, he cared about the boy; he did not want to see him become a death eater and a slave to Voldemort. He would have to regain his trust.  
  
He decided to give Draco the rest of the day to calm down and then he would seek him out and force him to listen.  
  
He sat back thinking about how different Malfoy and Potter were; yet both unbeknownst to the other had suffered so much misery in their young lives. Potter had somehow risen above it, staying pure of heart while Draco like himself turned to darkness and bitterness. 


	4. Blame

Author's note: well it was a rainy weekend which enabled me to add Chapter 4. Chapter 5 is ¼ ways done, so hopefully no one will feel like they are hanging in suspense for long. Thanks for all the feedback, it inspires me to keep on going.  
  
Chapter 4: Blame  
  
It was a cold night as Harry made his way down to Snape's office.  
  
His anger hadn't abated and the dread just kept growing to a point where he could hardly breathe by the time he got to Snape's door.  
  
He knocked on it hesitantly, wishing fervently that Snape was sick or had forgotten or was away. But the cold "Come in" he heard from behind the door dashed his hopes.  
  
He stepped inside. It had been a full day since he and Snape had had the confrontation in the hallway. Harry had been very grateful that there had been no potions class today. Having to face Snape once today was more than enough.  
  
Snape glared at him, Harry expected no less.  
  
"Potter, before we start, I want you to sit down and breath deeply and clear your mind. I don't want any repeats of last time, you need to learn this quickly before the dark lord strikes again."  
  
'What do you care', sprinted through Harry's mind. He however followed Snape's instructions. He even more than Snape did not want a repeat of last time. Once was humiliating enough.  
  
Snape watched as Potter sat in the chair closing his eyes and obviously concentrating. He was surprised he obeyed so quickly. He fully expected an argument and the usual arrogant I know better lip from him. It helped his mood somewhat. He was very worried about Draco and what he was up to, he was also still angry at Potter's words in the hallway, he had to shake the desire to grab Potter and shake him.  
  
Harry opened his eyes and glared at Snape.  
  
"Ready, get up then." Snape said in a quiet controlled voice.  
  
"On the count of three, one two three, Legilimens!"  
  
At first nothing happened, images flashed through his mind, blurry images he couldn't make out. Harry closed his eyes and concentrated on wiping out the images, making them blank. He could hear his breathing becoming labored and felt his body being engulfed in a cold sweat. Then he realized the spell had ended and he shakily grasped the edge of the chair. He looked up into Snape's eyes. For a second he thought he actually saw a real smile flicker across Snape's face but then the dark scowl crossed over his features again.  
  
"That was a bit better Potter." Snape grudgingly admitted.  
  
Harry snorted in anger. "Why can't you just give credit when it's warranted. You are always so quick so insult and criticize but so reluctant to say 'job well done'.  
  
Snape gritted his teeth. "When I believe you have done an admirable job I will say so. I'm not so dimwitted to jump on the Prince Potters bandwagon until I see ample evidence to do so. What just happened was a tiny improvement but unless it progresses it is virtually insignificant. I gave you time to prepare yourself in circumstances that were calm. If it were the Dark Lord he would not be that considerate. Should we put it to the test?"  
  
Harry feeling rather confident at the moment nodded.  
  
"Are you sure now." Snape asked in his calm deadly voice. "Because you may witness Cedric dying again, or perhaps your parents coming out of the Dark Lord's wand or Sirius falling through the veil."  
  
Something clenched Harry's heart and anger overwhelmed him. "STOP IT, stop trying to dreg up all the horrible things that happened to me, you are a miserable." He never got to finish because Snape spit out "Legilimens".  
  
Instantly Harry relived seeing himself as the snake practically kill Mr. Weasley, blood spurting out, an unbearable pain in his head. He doubled over and threw up.  
  
Snape instantly ended the spell and waved his wand making the mess disappear.  
  
Harry found himself covered in an icy sweat on the floor. Miserably he sat up curling his knees to his chest. His head sank as he shivered and his stomach cramped up. Snape had been right. He was no further ahead. He felt something smooth and cool by his cheek. "Harry". He opened his eyes to see Snape holding a bottle by his face. He took it and downed it knowing it would settle his stomach. Handing it back to Snape he bitterly asked while furiously blinking back tears. "Are you happy now, can't wait to tell Malfoy you were right?"  
  
An odd look crossed Snape's features as he sat down beside him. "Do you think seeing you fail at this over and over again, makes me happy? I'm teaching you this for you and your safety, I'm certainly not doing this to amuse myself." He then added with a dangerous note in his voice. "As for Draco, are you deaf Potter or just have a short memory? I already told you that what happens here will only go as far as Dumbledore's ears."  
  
Potter's head dropped to his knees again as he took a couple of deep breaths waiting for the potion to kick in. It puzzled Snape how Potter could one moment be so arrogant making his blood boil and the next look so vulnerable that he actually felt a stab of pity for him. He shook his head, it was time to focus on moving this process forward.  
  
"That's enough now Potter, can you stand up?"  
  
Harry nodded albeit still feeling a bit queasy.  
  
"Come over here to my desk and take a seat." Snape ordered.  
  
With a sigh, Harry sat down across from Snape.  
  
Snape's hand rubbed his chin as he contemplated Potter. "Who do you trust the most?"  
  
Harry swallowed hard, his heart beating frantically, reluctant to answer.  
  
"Is it that hard a question?" Snape probed.  
  
"Why do you want to know?" Harry asked suspiciously.  
  
"Don't be so paranoid Potter. I only want to know because I want you to talk to someone who feel you can trust." Snape responded his dark eyes narrowing.  
  
"Ron and Hermione I guess." Harry answered tentatively.  
  
Snape immediately shook his head. "No, I meant an adult."  
  
A well of emotion overtook Harry as he thought of Sirius, but he fought it down. "Lupin I suppose."  
  
"Lupin, he'll do. We can't continue like this it's too draining on you and we aren't accomplishing much. I want you to talk to Lupin about everything. Your parents, your time with your aunt and uncle, Cedric's death, the dark lords possession of you and" He hesitated briefly, "and Sirius' death. You are full of pain and guilt and that makes you easy prey. You haven't dealt with any of this properly you've just hidden it barely under the surface. We can't continue until you have come to terms with these events."  
  
Harry looked up with fury in his eyes. "Come to terms with it!!! Sirius died because YOU kicked me out of occlumency, because you didn't go to Sirius and keep him at Grimauldi place because." He stopped breathing heavily unable to continue.  
  
Anger flitted through Snape's gaze briefly then he closed his eyes for a moment calming himself. "I see. So the reason that you are now unable to function properly is my fault?" He peered into Potters face. "Tell me then Potter, am I the one who broke a confidence and looked into your pensieve? Am I the one who didn't apologize for my actions? Perhaps all it would have taken would have been two words "I'm sorry" for occlumency lessons to continue?" Am I the one who snuck into Umbridge's office and got caught? Am I the one who didn't go to a professor and tell them what vision I had had so it could have been verified? Was it because of me that Sirius ended up at the Ministry of Magic?"  
  
Potters face crumbled, with a small sob he leapt up and headed for the door. Snape got there ahead of him blocking his exit.  
  
"Calm down, I didn't say all that to hurt you further but you need to face the fact you made mistakes. Everyone in their lifetime makes mistakes. Actions have consequences and in your case they were deadly. That does not mean that you are solely responsible. Sirius made mistakes, Dumbledore made mistakes and yes I let old wounds and pride overtake me. So if we as adults still make mistakes you basically still a child need not shoulder the blame yourself." He hesitated for a moment, then remembered Dumbledore's words. Swallowing heavily, he tentatively reached out and gave Potter's shoulder a quick, what he hoped was, reassuring squeeze. "I'm going to give you some dreamless sleep potion for tonight. Get some rest and come back tomorrow at 2:00pm."  
  
He moved over to his potions but hearing the door open he realized Potter had left. Shaking his head exasperated he grabbed the bottle and went after him.  
  
Harry tore down the hallway, Snape had touched a raw nerve, he knew it wasn't really Snape's fault he knew he he alone was to blame for Sirius's death. He just didn't know what to do. He didn't want to talk to Lupin about this, it was bad enough Snape saw him at his worst he didn't want Lupin who had been his father and godfathers best friends to see him like that. He didn't want to talk to anyone about how he felt. It wouldn't matter, no one could take away that hollow void and the gnawing pain that threatened to overwhelm him. Harry wanted nothing more than to be in the safety of his dorm when he rounded the corner and collided with Malfoy.  
  
"Potty what's up with you, is there a Dementor on your tail?" Malfoy snarled viciously. He pulled out his wand "Because of you my father is in Azkaban it's time you paid for that!" He lifted his wand and pointed it just as Harry tried to grab for his wand.  
  
"Cruc." Draco never completed the word as Snape knocked him sideways. The fury emanating from Snape was palatable. Harry swallowed heavily, he was sure it was directed at him for leaving his office without permission, luckily Snape in his hurry to get to him had accidentally bumped into Malfoy.  
  
Snape actually trembled in his anger. He held a shaky hand out to Potter and snarled. "You forgot something." Harry took the potion without a word, and ranas fast as he could back to the Gryffindor tower. As he walked up the stairs it suddenly occured to him that at one point during the night Snape had accidentally called him Harry. It as a puzzling memory.  
  
Meanwhile Snape in a cloak of fury turned to Draco. 


	5. Accountability

A/N Thanks for all the feedback, this one is a little short but rather intense. Poor Snape, the things he has to do. I promise Harry will be back in the next one and there will be interaction between him and Hermione and Ron.  
  
Chapter 5-Accountability  
  
Snape's gaze turned on Draco who glared defiantly at him. "Why did you stop me! Potter had it coming to him!"  
  
Snape's anger threatened to overwhelm him. He had to literally take a few calming breaths before continuing. "The cruciatus curse is as you well know an illegal curse!" Snape spat out, his dark eyes boring into Draco's. "Technically you should immediately be expelled and sent to Azkaban. Is that what you want? Do you want to be locked in a cell with your father?" Snape's voice grew deadlier.  
  
Draco didn't respond, his gaze dropped to the floor.  
  
"Well Draco! Speak up!" Then Snape added in a low hiss. "Are you missing the beatings? Is that why you are so mad at Potter for getting your father locked up?"  
  
Draco's head shot up, his eyes narrowed into an icy glare. "He would be PROUD of me for cursing Potter!"  
  
Snape smiled maliciously. "For how long? Think about it Draco, how long has his moments of being proud of you ever lasted? An hour?" He raised an eyebrow. "A day perhaps? Or if your really really lucky maybe even a week. But then what would happen? Perhaps word would come through that Mr. Potter won a Quidditch match or Ms. Grainger excelled at her studies and you, well you would be twiddling your thumbs in Azkaban being USELESS. What do you suppose Lucius would do then?"  
  
Draco's gaze dropped to the floor again.  
  
Snape in a cold dry voice added. "In retrospect you really should be grateful to Potter for removing that man from your life for awhile!"  
  
Draco's head snapped up. A cloud of anger darkening his eyes. "What? Are you standing up for Potter now!" He yelled at Snape.  
  
Snape narrowed his eyes, disgust heavy in his voice. "What's wrong with you. Have you lost all capability to use your brain? Your behavior has gotten so far out of hand. If any other teacher had come across this scene today you would be expelled!"  
  
Snape then took a thoughtful breath. "Since your punishment lies with me now, you will tomorrow in the luncheon hall, apologize to Potter!"  
  
Draco's mouth dropped open in shock. "Are you mad?"  
  
Snape's eyes narrowed dangerously. "What did you just say?"  
  
Draco's mouth went dry. "Professor Snape, you can't be serious." He paused then; thinking of the humiliation this would bring. His gray blue eyes narrowed and he snapped defiantly. "YOU can't make me."  
  
Snape smirked wryly, so the spoiled prince in Draco was acting up. He hated what he had to do next but he had to be tough, it was the only way to get the upper hand with him. He steeled himself inside knowing how wrenching it would be. He stared hard at Draco, and then he very slowly and very deliberately unbuckled his belt and with a snap pulled it off. Draco his eyes widening in unconcealed fear, turned even paler than he usually was. With a horrified expression of disbelief he backed against the wall. He couldn't believe Snape would do this to him, he braced himself for what he thought would come. He clenched his teeth but never once broke eye contact with Snape. When Snape folded the belt in two and lifted it in the air, Draco cringed and slowly shook his head, his eyes wide and pleading. A small gasp escaped his lips as Snape stepped closer. The gray blue eyes unwittingly filling with tears of hopelessness.  
  
Snape then very deliberately threw the belt down onto the floor in front of him. It had been gut wrenching for him to frighten Draco into thinking he would act like Lucius but he needed for Draco to identify the difference. Draco exhaled loudly, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. "If I were Lucius I would make you and you know even better than I how! Since I am not your father and since I am someone who CARES for you and finds your behavior increasingly worrisome, I will give you an option, you either apologize to Potter tomorrow morning like I said. Or you will find yourself in detention for a month doing the most menial jobs Filch can dream up for you plus all privileges of attending Hogsmeade weekends, and special events will be revoked. Do I make myself clear!" Snape growled in a tone that caused knots of fear to curl in Draco's stomach.  
  
He swallowed, and blinked rapidly, his heart feeling heavy, betrayed but also relieved that Snape hadn't gone through with it. He nodded miserably while hoarsely responding. "Yes Sir."  
  
"Good! I hope you realize your punishment this time is extremely mild compared to your actions, if I ever see or hear any further behavior such as this, the consequences next time will be far more serious. Do you understand?"  
  
Silence  
  
"Draco!"  
  
"Yes sir." Draco responded in a voice barely above a whisper.  
  
"Now go to your room and stay there for the rest of the night! Tomorrow after you have apologized to Potter, you and I will talk!"  
  
Draco took a step forward but his foot bumped the belt that lay before him, he flinched then slowly stepped over it. He glanced at Snape with a look so full of anguish that Snape's heart clenched in pain. Draco then tore down the hallway as fast as he could away from him. Snape closed his eyes. His hands were shaking. He had to get through to Draco and if scaring him senseless at the moment was what it took to keep him in line then he had to do it. He didn't know what he would have done if Draco had started to utter the Avada Kedavra curse at Potter, thankfully it hadn't come to that yet. He would have had to turn him in. After a minute he wearily went to retire for the night preparing a dreamless sleeping potion for himself this time. 


	6. Reaching out, Pushing away

A/N Wow thanks all of you for your kind words and encouragement.you are a writers dream. I have to say sometimes this story writes itself.I just sit down with an idea having no clue where it's going to go and it just takes off on it's own.so the muse actually deserves the reviews (now if only I could get it to spell correctly for me). I'm so thrilled some of you have added me to your favorites list. I so appreciate the feedback. It's adding a bit of fun back to life at the moment so I thank you, 'bowing humbly'. Next chapter sneak peek, a confrontation and a forced and grudging apology.  
  
Chapter 6-Reaching out, Pushing away  
  
Harry was very weary. He made it to the common room and found it deserted. Gratefully he collapsed on the sofa in front of the fireplace. Why did Snape have to be so mean to him? He said he didn't mean to hurt him but his words always did. He kept reaching inside him and making him feel things he was trying so hard not to think about. He grabbed a pillow and hugged it close to him while watching the flames. Thoughts of Sirius and how just months ago he used to communicate through the fireplace with him rushed back making the ache in his heart more painful.  
  
"Harry, we've been looking for you." Ron and Hermione entered the room.  
  
Harry gave them a small smile. "Well you've found me."  
  
Hermione sat down closely beside him, "Where have you been?"  
  
Harry looked pale and tired. He looked up at Hermione briefly with a bit of a tortured look. "Snape's office."  
  
Ron groaned, "Was it bad?"  
  
Harry didn't want to talk about Snape. "I had a run in with Malfoy on the way here. He almost put the cruciatus curse on me."  
  
"Bloody hell!" was Ron's startled reply.  
  
"He WHAT!" Hermione sat up furious. "That's an illegal curse, he should be expelled! I'm talking to Professor McGonagall."  
  
"NO!" Harry interrupted her shouting, "Stop meddling in my life."  
  
Both Ron and Hermione froze. Harry's heart raced as he looked at them. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to." his words faded off as he squeezed his eyes shut. "It's just that I'm not a baby, I can handle things. Besides Snape stopped him."  
  
"Snape? Snape stopped him?" Ron asked incredulously.  
  
"Yeah, I don't think he actually heard Malfoy but he ran into him by mistake, throwing him off balance." Harry responded sounding very tired.  
  
"How have lessons with Snape been?" Hermione asked, determined to get an answer from Harry.  
  
Harry shrugged.  
  
"Harry please talk to us. What's wrong?"  
  
Harry stubbornly responded. "I'm fine."  
  
Hermione snorted loudly. "You've hardly eating anything in the last few days." "And you kept waking up from all those weird dreams last night." Ron chimed in.  
  
"I'm fine all right. Snape gave me some dreamless sleep potion, so I'll be fine." Harry got up.  
  
"Harry, you've got to take care of yourself." Hermione began as Harry moved away.  
  
"Will the two of you just leave me ALONE." He practically shouted at them. Then immediately regretted it. "I'm .I'm sorry, I didn't mean that but." He stopped not knowing exactly what he did mean.  
  
He stood there looking so sad and miserable Hermione leapt off the sofa and threw her arms around him. Wordlessly Harry returned her hug and squeezed her tightly. Ron got up and put his hand on Harry's shoulder. "Harry whatever is going on with you, you can tell us you know. We're your friends, we care about you."  
  
Harry's throat closed at Ron's words. After a moment, he cleared his throat and stepped backwards out of Hermione's embrace. "It's ok, really I'm just really tired."  
  
Hermione narrowed her eyes. "We've been through a lot together, and we are in this together what ever this is that's bothering you. Just because you lost Sirius doesn't mean you'll lose us." She watched Harry and saw how at the mention of Sirius' name, his eyes closed briefly. She knew he was still hurting so much and missing him so much.  
  
"I have to go now because it's late but I'll see you tomorrow." She reached up and kissed him on the cheek, rubbing his arm in the process. "You know you aren't the only one who misses him."  
  
Harry blinked and then his green eyes looked into her hers. He nodded slowly but didn't or couldn't say anything.  
  
After Hermione left, Ron went over to Harry. "Um I'm not going to hug or kiss you like Hermione just did."  
  
His words forced a smile out of Harry. "You better not."  
  
Ron grinned briefly. "But listen Harry, I just want to say if you want to talk to me, I'll listen and I'll help in anyway I can."  
  
Harry looked into Ron's earnest face. "Thanks Ron, I'm really lucky you and Hermione are my friends but there's nothing to talk about."  
  
Ron challenged him. "It's Snape isn't it." Ron speculated with narrowed eyes.  
  
"He's just being miserable, I think but at least he gave me the potion." Harry picked up the bottle that he had put on the table.  
  
"Are you learning occlumency now? Is it going well?" Ron asked tentatively, never knowing when Harry might snap at him.  
  
Harry didn't know how to respond. How could he tell Ron that he was failing and that almost everytime Snape said leglimens, he felt like dying. He didn't want to do it; he didn't want to go back there, he didn't want to talk to anyone about how he was feeling. He just wanted to be left alone.  
  
So he lied. "Yeah it's going fine, I'm getting the hang of it."  
  
"That's what you said last time, are you sure it's really happening?" Ron asked with a note of suspicion.  
  
His eyes narrowed at Ron, "Knock it off with the interrogation! I'm tired and I'm going to bed." With that Harry left.  
  
Ron flinched, he was certain Harry was lying but he was also worried about making him angrier because Harry would withdraw even further.  
  
Awhile later Harry crawled under the covers and quickly took the sleeping draught grateful that for this night he wouldn't have any disturbing dreams of Sirius and Cedric's lives ending. He wished he could get his hands on more sleeping potion so he could take it every night. 


	7. Shadows

Long rambly A/N What can I say.love you all! When I get reviews like this I just have to write more. Some of you want me to be nicer to Draco, that may happen at some point (depending where the muse leads), I think Snape working on keeping him from being a death eater is being as nice as he deserves right now. I just think back to book 5 and how maliciously eager Draco was for Umbridge to torture Harry, and how he calls Hermione Mudblood and well I just can't be all that nice to him yet because I keep thinking in books 6 & 7 he will likely be even more evil, although I really hope not, I'd want him to be redeemable and not like his father. I confess my sympathies lie with Harry and to a degree Snape although Snape as an adult really shouldn't take all his past hurts out on someone who has nothing personally to do with them. Although Dumbledore's trust in Snape is inspiring and makes me think there is just so much more to Snape we have yet to learn. As you can tell I find him to be one intriguing character who I believe underneath all that bitterness and all those wounds he's actually got a golden heart. As for Harry, he's just a sweetie, brave, lots of heart, pure soul, makes mistakes just as everyone does cause he's very human but takes things to heart and shoulders everything himself. He's such a lonely, tragic figure who isolates himself from all those who truly love and care for him. When he did reach out and depended on someone that person died. So those of you who love Harry, rest assured there will be lots more of him as he (with Snape's help) struggles to find some peace because after all "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Hope you enjoy. Sneak peak for next chapter-Harry sees something very startling. Snape gains some heartwrenching trust back. Draco's shield cracks.  
  
Chapter 7 - Shadows Harry woke to an empty room. He glanced at the clock and realized it was almost 10:00. The dreamless sleeping potion had worked very well. Since it was Saturday morning there were no classes but he was scheduled to meet with Snape again at 2:00. He'll have expected him to have started meeting with Lupin but he had no plans to do so. He would just have to block out Snape's spell. He would have to stay calm. He kept thinking about the dreamless sleep potion, if he only swallowed a few drops of it, it should make him calm and sleepy. He could then handle whatever Snape threw at him.  
  
He resolved to sneak into Snape's office sometime before 2:00 to get it. He decided to skip breakfast and have a big lunch. He wanted to avoid Ron and Hermione. They would just ask him questions and want to talk about Sirius. They both had their parents; they didn't know how it felt to be alone. He got dressed and went out to the lake.  
  
Severus Snape woke up when a heavy weight landed on his chest. He rubbed Loki under the chin. The large black hairy cat with the pumpkin colored eyes purred at him loudly. He pulled back the covers and got up reluctantly. Today he would see if Draco respected him enough to apologize to Potter or if he would be forced to inflict further punishment on him. Today he would also see if talking to Lupin had helped take some of the grief and guilt off Potter's shoulders so he could finally make progress in occlumency. Dumbledore counted on him to work with Harry. He had promised to try and put the past behind him and concentrate on Potter as an individual, not just his father's son. He saw shades of Lily in him more and more and that was making it easier to care about what happened to him.  
  
Draco had hardly slept that night. The thought of apologizing to Potter almost made him sick to his stomach. Prince Potter the golden boy, who got all the attention. Everyone loved him. Potter the savior. It was enough to make him want to run begging to Voldemort to make him a death eater. Potter, he mentally spat out his name, hatred welling in his heart. He hated Snape for making him do this. How could Snape do this to him? Snape had always supported him. Snape had helped him when Lucius had hurt him so badly he could barely move. Snape was the only person in the world that he trusted and whom he thought would never hurt him. Draco bit his lip suppressing the fear that threatened to overwhelm him. Without Snape he had no one. Crabbe and Goyle were two big stupid goons who latched on to him like two groupies because of the Malfoy name. How was he going to do this? How could he walk up to Potter and apologize? He tried desperately to think of a way out of this. Maybe he could pretend he was sick? It wouldn't be too much of a lie after all, he was feeling quite queasy. Snape's dark eyes sprang to mind. It would only postpone the inevitable, he would just make him do it tomorrow. He could opt for the detention and denial of privileges but spending time with Filch and doing his every bidding brought shivers up his spine, that punishment would just go on and on. So he resigned himself to apologizing. It would only take a minute. He sat back down on the edge of his bed, staring out of the window. He swallowed hard. He hoped Potter would accept it and wouldn't give him a hard time.  
  
Harry was almost frozen to the bone when he decided to come back in. Sitting outside in the cold air, letting it chill him to a point where he became numb felt good. Sometimes he almost wished the cold would just freeze him over and he wouldn't ever have to feel again. It was time for lunch and since he had skipped breakfast he decided he should at least attempt to eat something or Hermione would be on his back. He walked in and wordlessly went to sit beside Hermione and Ron who looked at him worried. He hated it when they did that. He picked at a chicken potpie with little interest.  
  
Snape was eating with the rest of the professors. His dark eyes lit on Potter as he entered and went to sit with his friends. He noticed that he hadn't spoken to anyone. He realized for the first time that Potter didn't look very well. Rather pale but flushed at the same time. Was Potter ill and he hadn't noticed before? He glanced over at Professor Dumbledore whose gaze was also on Potter. Snape was almost too distracted to notice that Draco had entered. Draco's icy gaze lit on him as if to confirm that he had no choice but to do as he had been told. He could almost feel Draco's anger. His eyes never left the boy as he headed over to Potter. He must have said something because Potter and the Gryffindor's around him all turned to Draco. He could see the shock on Potter's face as well as the rest of them. Potter said something. Then Draco must have said something else. Potter shrugged, said something then turned his back on Draco. Draco his face flushed, then turned and threw an angry glare at Snape, then left the room. Snape noticed Ron and Hermione get up and go after him. This wasn't good. Snape paused for a moment, should he go after them or should he let them iron things out themselves. Worried over what Draco might do, he decided to interfere. He got up and hurried out.  
  
Harry sat staring at the 3/4s of his chicken potpie that was still on his plate. What had just happened was one of the strangest things he had witnessed in the last few weeks. Malfoy had come up to the table. Looked him in the eye and said "Potter, I just want to say sorry about last night. I hope you accept my apology." He had seemed very determined, yet a spark of anger lay behind his gray blue eyes. Harry expected a lot of things to happen but Malfoy apologizing to him for almost placing the cruciatus curse on him was not something he had anticipated. Puzzled he asked, "Why are doing this?" Malfoy's chin went up a notch. "Because I have no choice." Malfoy actually trembled slightly much to Harry's surprise. It was obvious he wasn't sincere and someone had forced him. "Fine, whatever, I accept." With disinterest Harry turned back to his food. When Ron and Hermione left the table anger boiled up in him again. Hermione must have told Professor McGonagall who forced Malfoy to say he was sorry. He wondered what she threatened him with because Malfoy wouldn't have agreed to this willingly.  
  
Draco heart racing, tore down the hallway. He had done it and Potter had nonchalantly accepted his apology. He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he hadn't heard the advancing footsteps behind him.  
  
"Malfoy!!! What the bloody hell was that all about?" Weasley suddenly shouted at him.  
  
He turned with fury in his icy eyes. He grinned maliciously. "What's it to you Weasel and oh look you brought the mudblood with you."  
  
"You should be in Azkaban with your father." Hermione snapped at him. "Don't you ever ever even think about using the cruciatus curse on Harry again. I will go straight to Professor Dumbledore if you do."  
  
"Ooooo I'm scared mudblood. You better worry about your mudblood parents before someone hurls the avada kedavra curse at them. Maybe if I get lucky it will be me!" Malfoy smirked.  
  
Unfortunately right at that moment Snape turned the corner. Draco's heart almost stopped. Hermione's hand had gone to her wand but when Malfoy suddenly trembled and his smirk turned to a look of shock she stopped. She turned to see what had startled him so. She almost expected to see Dumbledore but much to her surprise Snape stood there, his robes billowing around him like a dark smoldering cloud.  
  
"Draco! My office!"  
  
Malfoy stood there not moving. Snape went over to him grabbing him by the scruff of his robe and practically hauled him down the hall.  
  
Ron and Hermione were left staring at each other in shock and confusion. 


	8. Trust?

Wow all those reviews. Thank you thank you thank you. You've helped me get my muse flowing again after months of misery. Since I'm not sure I'll be able to post for the next few days it being a long weekend and all, I decided to get another chapter up tonight. Oooops seems like I goofed in the last chapter regarding mugblood ie: muDblood, I had actually obsessed about it while I was writing but having no HP book near me I had to guess, muggle blood seemed logical mugblood but then again mud makes sense also. Ok Draco lovers, there see I was a little nicer to Draco. And Snape's 'gasp' humanity is showing. Hope you like it. Sneak peak at chapter 9, Occlumency with a drugged up Harry, hmm maybe he'll see something in Snape's mind that Snape would rather keep hidden. OMG you don't suppose that Snape, after that intense scene with Draco, forgot to put his thoughts into his pensieve (snickers mischievously)  
  
Chapter 8 - Trust?  
  
Snape literally threw Draco into his office sending him flying across the room. He stood there seething with anger. "You seem determined to get yourself expelled." Snape said in steely dangerous voice.  
  
"I did what you wanted, I apologized to Potter!" Draco shouted angrily.  
  
"mmhmmm, then you immediately threatened to perform yet another illegal curse, the killing curse no less, on Ms. Grainger's parents! Am I to assume then, that my punishment on you was far too mild since you apparently did not learn anything from it?" Snape said slowly.  
  
Draco's gaze hit the floor. "They provoked me."  
  
"Poor little Draco, can't take on Potter's friends without breaking the rules again." Snape's voice came softly.  
  
"Shut Up! You don't know what it's like! I can't wait till I'm a death eater and Weasley and the mudbloods all cower in front of me." Draco yelled the words at Snape and turned away but Snape's hand lashed out and grabbed Draco's arm roughly yanking him back.  
  
"So you want to follow in daddy's footsteps?" Snape growled. "You think being a death eater will make you all powerful and everyone will cower at your feet? Apparently Lucius never gave you a true account of the life of a death eater. First of all the dark mark is burned, scorched into your skin. It hurts like hell. Then no matter where you are and what you are doing a blinding pain will hit you and you will feel the fire of the brand all over again. You will immediately apparate to the dark lord's side where if the mood strikes him he will put the cruciatus curse on you. Have you ever felt the cruciatus curse?"  
  
Draco slowly nodded and whispered. "Once, that time when.."  
  
"Ah yes the time when you ran away and ended up here. Did you enjoy it?" He asked sarcastically.  
  
Draco's eyes flashed ice as he gave Snape a seething look.  
  
"I thought not. But what Lucius did to you is only a small taste of what the cruciatus curse feels like from someone with the dark lord's powers. You will feel like you are DYING. Molecule by molecule will catch fire and burn making you writhe and scream from the agonizing and unbearable pain. As a death eater your loyalty is demanded by the dark lord, you will be his SLAVE, you will not be allowed any thoughts or ideas of your own, the power lies with the dark lord and your sole existence is to please him." Snape released the tight grip he had on Draco's arm. He then added softly "Is that the life you want?" Draco swallowed hard, refusing to look at Snape; he had turned quite pale.  
  
"Do you want to turn into your father? Incapable of feeling anything other than hatred? Is your idea of power torturing those who are weaker than you, making them fearful of you, BEATING THEM BLOODY so they will obey you?" Snape spoke the last words close to Draco's ear. Draco visibly trembled. Snape's hand came out and lifted Draco's chin so he could look him in the eye. Draco flinched slightly, the gray blue eyes welling up. "Because that's not the life I would want for you. I want you to experience happiness and love. To feel safe." He hesitated. "But apparently that isn't what you want. You want to be just like your father?" He asked gently.  
  
Draco bit his lip, and with a soft sob he slowly shook his head. He then did something that shocked Snape to the core. He hurled himself at Snape, his arms wrapping tightly around his neck as heart-wrenching sobs shook his lithe form. Snape swallowed heavily, his heart aching for the blond boy who clung to him like he was the sole lifeline in a turbulent stormy ocean. He breathed a sigh of relief. There was hope for Draco; he hadn't lost him to the dark lord yet. His one hand came up and gently patted Draco's back while the other rested on the back of his head. He said softly. "Shhhh it's ok Draco, I promise you can trust me, I'll help you."  
  
Snape froze as he looked up. Standing there in the room in front of them was Potter. His eyes wide with shock. He looked fearful when he realized he had been spotted. Snape's hand came up indicating for him to get out and a dark scowl crossed his face. Potter nodded wordlessly, casting one more glance at Draco.  
  
What in the world was Potter doing in his office, it wasn't 2:00pm yet. Did he get the time wrong? Of all people to see Draco like this. He hoped that Potter would keep his mouth shut. The look in Potter's eyes when his gaze had rested on Draco just before he left was encouraging, Snape was sure he had actually detected sympathy.  
  
Harry leant against the door outside of Snape's office, shivering slightly. Snape would be so furious at him for entering his office uninvited. He had just assumed that Snape was still in the luncheon hall when he decided to sneak into his office to where he knew Snape had stored the dreamless sleep potion. The door had been ajar and he had just walked in and over to the shelf when he suddenly heard Snape's voice softly saying something about torture and beating someone bloody. He grabbed the potion and hid it in his robe then turned. He froze when he spotted them, unable to move. Then more surprisingly Snape's voice actually sounded gentle and Malfoy had thrown himself at Snape and started crying his eyes out. Harry shook his head in disbelief, sneering, malicious Malfoy crying on Snape's shoulder? What could have happened to him? He wondered if maybe Lucius had been killed while at Azkaban. He must have just found out then because he seemed rather controlled when he had apologized. The apology flashed through his mind, he couldn't be that upset because he had been made to apologize? Harry shook his head something major must have happened. Seeing Malfoy like that, so desperate, so hurt had actually made him feel sorry for him. He uncorked the potion and quickly took a drink from it. He fervently hoped it would help because he knew Snape wouldn't be gentle with him.  
  
Draco eventually loosened his grip on Snape. He pulled away sniffing and fervently wiping his face. Snape's hand had come up to the side of his head. "Are you ok?" He had softly asked. Draco nodded keeping his hand up to his face. He was still shaking and tears kept streaking down his face. He felt Snape's hand at his elbow directing him over to an old beat up sofa. "Sit, before you fall down."  
  
Draco did as he was told while wiping away tears. But he looked up at Snape with red rimmed eyes. "Sorry." He said hoarsely.  
  
"For what?" Snape sat down on the sofa near him.  
  
Draco was too embarrassed to explain. Snape smiled wryly, "It's ok, I'm glad because that means I haven't lost you to the dark lord."  
  
"But you're a death eater." Draco stated.  
  
"Exactly, I know better than you what that is like and I don't wish this cursed existence on you."  
  
"My father wanted me to become a death eater." Draco admitted.  
  
"Exactly, that should tell you something."  
  
Draco nodded miserably.  
  
"Draco I have to teach Potter remedial potions again, since he still hasn't mastered it. I think it would be a good idea if you went to the kitchens and got a bite to eat since I didn't see you at breakfast and you obviously didn't eat at lunch. I'm assuming you'd rather not be here when Potter comes."  
  
Draco looked alarmed and shot off the sofa. He headed to the door pausing and Snape heard a soft "Thanks."  
  
For the first time in a long time Draco's heart felt a little lighter. He hurried out of the dark hallway; never noticing Harry was on the other wall beside Snape's door.  
  
The door to Snape's office slammed open. "Potter! Get in here!"  
  
His heart thumped painfully. His eyes wide with fear and guilt, Harry walked in looking up into the furious scowling face of Professor Snape. 


	9. slowly sinking deeper

A/N well turns out it's a rainy stormy weekend so I had a free moment after all. Thanks for all the kind words, I had never planned for Harry to get addicted to the dreamless sleeping potion but apparently he just really wanted too. Let me see what else, Snape's cat Loki is named after the Scandinavian god of mischief. It might end up being my future dog or cat name. I got it from a book called "On the night of the 7th moon." And if anyone else feels inclined to use it please do I'll look forward to reading your stories. Nope this will not at any point turn into slash. Hmmm some tough love on Harry, yes that will likely happen at some point cause when Snape finds out where his potions have been disappearing too he, well let's just say, won't be pleased. As for Snape offering Harry some comfort, he kind of already did that a bit in Chapter one but Harry isn't ready to accept any from him yet, the trust needs to grow some more first and Harry is still grieving Sirius way too much to let anyone anywhere near to filling that void. Hmmm at this point I usually give a sneak peak but I'm not sure yet what the next chapter will be so we'll have to find out together. Sorry, but I hope you enjoy this one.  
  
Chapter 9 - slowly sinking deeper  
  
Aside from Voldemort, no one ever scared Harry as much as Professor Snape could. One look from him could cause a chill to sweep through him. His heart raced as he entered. He looked up at Snape and immediately blurted out, "I'm sorry I accidentally came early. I didn't have a watch and I thought the last time I looked it was almost 2:00, I must have made a mistake." He took a breath. "And I won't tell anyone about Malfoy."  
  
Snape realized how terrified of him Potter was at times. Awhile ago this would have pleased him immensely but now listening to Potter sounding so frightened, he felt uncomfortable.  
  
"Relax Potter but try to remember to knock next time. As long as you remember how you felt when you thought I told Draco about your little scene in my office a few days ago, then I have faith that you won't run blabbing to everyone about what you saw here today."  
  
Harry breathed a sigh of relief. "I won't, I promise. He added. "Um, is he ok? Malfoy I mean?"  
  
Snape smirked. "Since when are you concerned about Draco?"  
  
"I'm not, it's just that he seemed really upset and I thought maybe something had happened to his father in Azkaban?"  
  
"No, unfortunately Lucius is just fine." Snape stated with a degree of disgust.  
  
Potter's green eyes widened and he stared at him with a puzzled expression.  
  
Snape realized that perhaps he had said too much and steered the conversation away from Lucius. "Are you going to be able to suppress the urge to tell Draco what you saw next time he harasses you about something?"  
  
Harry's brow furrowed as he tried to envision a scene in which Malfoy was humiliating him yet again. Would he be able to not retaliate?  
  
"How would you feel if the situation were reversed and Draco had been here a few days ago?" Snape asked.  
  
Harry's eyes sparked with anger. "Malfoy would never give me a break. He'd run straight to the Daily Prophet and tell them what he saw and then he'd tell everyone else. He doesn't care how I feel. He doesn't care who he hurts, he's like you!" With a shock Harry just realized that he had insulted Snape.  
  
Snape's eyes narrowed and he responded icily. "So if the situation presents itself you will use this against him?"  
  
"No." Harry responded quietly. He closed his eyes tightly. Why did he keep provoking Snape? "Hurting people doesn't make me happy."  
  
Snape's anger disappeared as quickly as it had come. Harry really wasn't like James; he had Lily's compassion. His tone softened.  
  
"Did you have a good talk with Lupin?"  
  
Harry's stomach tightened uncomfortably, avoiding Snape's eyes he answered. "Yes, I feel a bit better."  
  
"Good. Shall we try Occlumency and see if you can stay calmer and ward off the spell?"  
  
Harry nodded, feeling very fearful that the potion hadn't started to work yet.  
  
"On the count of three, one, two, three, legilimens."  
  
Harry concentrated on keeping his mind blank, images swarmed but faded until one broke through. He was in the graveyard again, Voldemort was being resurrected and his head felt like it was being split in two. He had managed to stay on his feet but he felt Snape grab him and next thing he knew he was lying on the sofa.  
  
At first Snape was impressed at how well Potter was using his mind to fend the spell off, but then he felt the unbearable flash of pain and knew Potter was in trouble. When Potter started gasping for air and shaking uncontrollably he ended the spell and brought him over to the sofa. He grabbed his wrist and discovered Potter's heart was racing at an alarming rate. He jumped up and brought a cloth soaked with icentia, a cooling potion. Potter's hands were over his scar and he winced when Snape pulled them away. "Shhh Potter, this will help."  
  
Harry felt something wonderfully cool being applied to his burning scar. Snape's worried voice drifted through his head. "Breathe slowly Potter, work with me, take a deep breath." "Potter" Snape's voice grew angry. Harry focused on taking a slow breath. "That's better, do it again, another slow breath." Harry opened his eyes to a blurry shape in front of him. He blinked a few times and Snape's dark eyes and pale face came into focus.  
  
"What happened Potter?"  
  
Harry swallowed, "I don't know, I was feeling fine but then my scar started to burn because Voldemort came back."  
  
"I know that but the physical pain should have ended as soon as I stopped the spell." Snape looked puzzled.  
  
"Sometimes after occlumency lessons my head really hurts. It's sort of like this." Harry admitted.  
  
"Why haven't you ever told me that? I could have given you something?"  
  
" You gave me the dreamless sleep potion last night, that really helped." Harry offered hoping Snape would give him more.  
  
"Yes but you shouldn't technically take that more than once a week. I shouldn't have even given you the dose last night but you appeared to really need it." Snape explained.  
  
"I had a great night's sleep, I'd really like it for tonight too." Harry asked hopefully, as he sat up, the pain starting to subside.  
  
Snape distractedly replied. "No. You've taken it twice this week that's more than enough. I'm not sure we should continue with this lesson today. I didn't like how fast your heart was going and you appeared to have trouble breathing."  
  
"I'm all right now." Harry took the cloth of his head. He suddenly felt very calm and a little sleepy. He knew the potion had finally kicked in. He wanted to see if he could ward off the spell.  
  
Snape's eyes narrowed. "You want to do this again, right now? Are you sure?" He couldn't believe after the pain Potter had just experienced that he was so eager to try again. He realized that Potter must have made immense progress with Lupin to feel so positive about this now.  
  
When Harry nodded, Snape stood up.  
  
"Ok, on the count of three again. One, two, three, legilimens!"  
  
Harry squeezed his eyes shut as a dark cloud hurled into his mind. He gasped and suddenly he saw Professor Snape on his knees cradling what looked like a dead woman in his arms. Tears were running down his pale face as he sobbed, "I loved you, you'll never know. I'm so sorry." Snape's shoulders shook, his head fell as he pulled the limp form closer. The spell came to such an abrupt end that Harry was left wavering on his feet. With a sharp inhale of breath he opened his eyes and saw a white faced Snape frozen in front of him.  
  
For a moment neither said anything. Harry swallowed and looked at him wide eyed. In a trembling voice he asked. "You lost someone you loved too? Who was she?"  
  
Snape's startled dark eyes hooded over. "It was a long time ago and doesn't concern you." He snapped at Potter. His heart quivered painfully at the memory of seeing Lily's lifeless form. He had already been a spy for Dumbledore for a few months at that time, he knew Lily was in danger, he had wanted to keep her safe. But he had been too late. The dark lord had gotten there first. Lily's death had been an emotional turning point for him, it made him even more determined to bring down the dark lord. Shaking he looked over at this pensieve. He had forgotten to take out all the things he never wanted Potter to see. He closed his eyes for a moment calming himself. Thankfully Potter hadn't realized the woman was his mother.  
  
"Well Potter, that was rather well done. You have obviously made some huge progress. I'll see you back here on Wednesday."  
  
Harry smiled a little, things had gone far better than he ever could have imagined. There was just one thing he wished Snape would have talked to him about. "Professor Snape, when does the pain after losing someone finally go away. When did you start to feel better?" He asked quietly.  
  
Snape turned to him, his eyes dark and unfathomable. "Never!"  
  
Potter flinched, his eyes wide and pain stricken, then nodded softly and walked out of his office head down, shoulders slumped.  
  
A wave of anger at himself boiled up in Snape. How could he have been so thoughtless, when he knew how much Potter was hurting over Sirius' death?  
  
Harry went back to his room and carefully took out the dreamless sleep potion, hiding it under his bed. He would need to get more tomorrow but at least for tonight he could sleep peacefully. 


	10. Puzzlement

A/N I am continually amazed by all the wonderful reviews, after reading them how can I not sit down and ponder up another chapter. Special note to animalwriter: blush, tear to the eye, book 6? No I really can't come close to JK Rowling but I love you for that. Now to answer a few questions: yes likely the Harry in the HP books would not get addicted to dreamless sleep potion, he's a smart boy but then again he has made some mistakes, so my excuse for this addiction is because he has lost someone he loved. Sometimes pain makes people do strange things and the temptation to turn to something to make that pain disappear even for a little while is overwhelming. No there is no proof anywhere in the books that the potion is actually addictive, it just came out of my imagination but apparently others have written this also? Author pouts. Kicks wall. Thought I was being original. Pouts again. Big Ooops to my Lily's body/Snape scene in last chapter. I had forgotten that Snape had turned to the light before the Potters died, thanks for pointing it out I have fixed it now. Yes Snape will find out about Harry stealing potions and yes he will be very pissed, but it can't happen yet because Harry isn't really addicted yet, he has yet to start experiencing some overdose effects. There will be some Lupin coming up sometime in one of the upcoming chapters. Sneak preview: side effects  
  
Chapter 10 - Puzzlement  
  
"Harry, Hermione, Ginny and I are going over to see Hagrid. Do you want to come?" Ron walked into the room.  
  
Harry thought about it for a minute. Hagrid had kept trying to get him to talk about Sirius whenever they were alone but he'd probably leave him alone if he was in a group.  
  
"Ok."  
  
As they made their way over, Hermione started talking.  
  
"Harry something really weird happened after Malfoy apologized. We ran after him and he was being really awful and talked about how he wanted to use the killing curse on my parents, when all of a sudden Snape came and Harry, he was furious with Malfoy. He yelled at him and dragged him to his office."  
  
Ron added. "Do you think that Snape made him apologize? I mean I know it sounds unreal but obviously aside from you, who else knew about the curse other than Snape?"  
  
Harry looked at Hermione and Ron with surprise. "You mean you two didn't go running to Professor McGonagall? I thought she made Malfoy apologize."  
  
Hermione looked annoyed. "You told us to butt out so we did. Except when Malfoy apologized we went after him to ensure he wouldn't attempt to curse you again."  
  
"Oh." Harry looked puzzled. "So you think Snape made him do it?"  
  
"Well who else could it have been?" Ron stated.  
  
"Maybe after all the Occlumency classes you've been having with Snape, maybe Snape likes you better now and is being fairer." Ginny stated.  
  
Hermione and Ron burst out laughing. "Right and Snape will dress up as Father Christmas this year."  
  
Harry grinned at that but then thought about the scene in Snape's office again. What was that all about? Why was Malfoy so upset. If Snape had made him apologize and from what Ron and Hermione witnessed Snape yelled at him and dragged him into his office, Malfoy would have been furious. Malfoy had always been Snape's favorite student, if Snape suddenly punished him Malfoy would have been fit to be tied, not sobbing on Snape's shoulder. He remembered Snape's voice gentle and comforting, it couldn't have been him that made Malfoy apologize.  
  
Harry found himself really wanting to tell Ron and Hermione what he had witnessed but they both hated Malfoy. He wasn't sure if when really provoked they wouldn't blurt it out at Malfoy to humiliate him back. He had promised Snape he wouldn't tell. So he sighed and said nothing.  
  
They had tea with Hagrid who kept the conversation light as he talked proudly of how well Norbert was doing in Romania. He was the best fire- breathing dragon there. Every so often Hagrid's gaze wandered over to Harry. Harry saw the concern in his eyes but looked away uncomfortably. He didn't want anyone getting close.  
  
After awhile they left again and as they headed back they encountered Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle. Malfoy smirked, "Hey Potty, taking your pets, the mudblood and weasels out for a breath of fresh air?"  
  
For one split second, Harry felt tempted to wipe that smirk of Malfoy's face and seriously humiliate him in front of Goyle and Crabbe but then he flashed back to how devastated Malfoy had seemed and that memory calmed him down somewhat.  
  
His eyes narrowed however as he responded. "Is that the best you can do? Or would you like to hurl a curse at me again. Oh hang on but then Snape would make you apologize again." Harry then smiled.  
  
Malfoy's face fell and he glanced nervously at Crabbe and Goyle who looked at him confused. He glared at Harry then mumbled "Let's go" to his faithful goons.  
  
"See it was Snape." Ginny smiled triumphantly.  
  
Ron broke into a huge smile. "I guess so." Then he laughed. "Well he turned tail and ran awfully quick."  
  
Harry couldn't help smiling. He kept his promise but also managed to shut Malfoy up. Obviously apologizing to him wasn't something Malfoy wanted to be reminded off. So Snape actually made him apologize, he couldn't quite believe it that after over 5 years of encouraging or ignoring Malfoy's antics Snape had actually punished his favorite Slytherin for something.  
  
After finishing some homework in the library they went to dinner. No sooner had they sat down, when the buzz went around the table that Lucius Malfoy had gotten out of Azkaban and had gone into hiding. Harry shivered at the news. He hated Lucius for what he had done at the Ministry of Magic. He glanced over to the Slytherin table fully expecting to see Draco gleaming from joy but instead the blond Slytherin looked even paler than usual as he pushed the food around on his plate. At that exact moment he looked up and caught Harry's eye. For a split second Harry caught a look of sheer misery reflected in his eyes but then realizing Harry was watching him his chin came up and he flashed a triumphant smile. Harry looked away again puzzled. He shook his head he must have imagined Draco looking unhappy.  
  
He still wasn't very hungry but forced himself to eat a sandwich so his friends would stop looking so concerned. When he finished his sandwich and a glass of pumpkin juice he excused himself saying that Snape's Occlumency class had exhausted him and he wanted to turn in early. He really wanted to go outside for a few moments and breath in some cold air to numb him.  
  
Since everyone was still inside the hallway was silent as Harry walked along back to the Gryffindor tower. It was another chilly night and he shivered as he stepped outside. He jumped slightly when he realized he wasn't alone. He turned a startled gaze to Draco who looked back equally startled.  
  
"Potter what are you doing out here!" Malfoy sneered at him.  
  
"I like the night I came out to look at the full moon. What are you doing? Hoping your father will show up?"  
  
A look of alarm flashed in Draco's eyes, he looked away. "My father will be rejoining the Death Eaters, he won't bother to come here." He paused. "However once he's rejoined the dark lord they'll likely come after you Potter." Malfoy looked at him smugly.  
  
Harry's eyes narrowed, he didn't respond instead just stared at Draco with a puzzled stare. What was up with him?  
  
Malfoy faltered under his stare. He looked away and stared out into the dark night.  
  
"Are you all right?" Harry softly asked.  
  
Malfoy glared at him. "Of course, why wouldn't I be, my father broke out of Azkaban like I said he would. You're on the wrong side Potter."  
  
"I'm on the only side worth fighting for." Harry stated.  
  
Malfoy didn't respond at first, just narrowed his eyes. "I'm going back in, you can howl at the moon by yourself.  
  
Harry contemplated Malfoy's strange behavior. He was still being nasty but much less than usual, definitely not up to his usual form. He stood outside for a few more moments staring up at the stars. "Sirius, are you out there somewhere?" He whispered tears welling up in his eyes. "I miss you so much." He swallowed painfully, blinking the tears away. He went back inside wanting nothing more than to drift off into a dreamless void. Just before he turned the corner to head upstairs, he saw Snape standing down the darkened hall in front of Malfoy, he handed him what looked like a dreamless sleep potion.  
  
He quickly turned the corner not wanting to be seen. So Malfoy would be taking the potion also tonight. Rather strange considering he should be happy Lucius had broken out. He put the puzzling thoughts out of his mind as he readied himself for bed. He drank the potion quickly, hiding the bottle under his bed and lay down falling asleep instantly. 


	11. numb

A/N hmmm in case anyone is wondering why Draco didn't witness the last scene it's because I have another scene in mind which will be all that much more powerful, although I must admit I was tempted. This chapter was supposed to go a different way but by the time I was ¾ ways through it a dementor showed up and hung out over my shoulder so I'm sorry Harry but I always make you suffer when that happens. Hmmm a beta reader to correct my grammer, now that would be lovely. I'll be in touch. Sneak peak next chapter: Quidditch match accident  
  
Chapter 11 - numb  
  
"Thought you might like this for tonight." Snape handed Draco a vial of dreamless sleep potion. The boy looked tired, worn, and much older than his scant 16 years. "You are safe here. Lucius can't get in."  
  
Draco took it, glancing at him then away.  
  
It was obvious the boy was rather embarrassed around him. Snape quietly said. "It's ok."  
  
Draco gave a soft smile, staring distractedly at his feet. He added wryly. "I wish, I wish he was different."  
  
"I know but you have to accept he will not change, he's in too deep and he derives too much pleasure from hurting others and from killing. Your only purpose in his life was to add pride to the Malfoy name and instead of seeing your accomplishment, he only wanted to see you at the very top, nothing else was worth anything to him." Snape spoke quietly, he didn't want to drop further pain on Draco but he also didn't want to coddle him and make him believe that someday Lucius would miraculously become the father he so desperately wanted.  
  
Draco's gaze fell to the floor. "I know, I've known for a long time, I just kept hoping." He looked at the vial in his hand. "Thanks for this, I doubt I would have actually slept tonight."  
  
Snape nodded as the blond boy walked slowly down the hallway.  
  
The next morning, Harry woke up disoriented. For a split second of panic he thought he was in Snape's office, then realized that had happened days ago and he was safely in his own bed.  
  
"Hey Harry, do want to practice Quidditch today?" Ron then looked at him closely. "Are you ok, you're all flushed?"  
  
Harry did feel rather warm and he had a slight headache. He decided his jaunts out into the cold air must have given him a touch of flu. He got up feeling a bit lightheaded. "I think I might be coming down with the flu."  
  
"Maybe you should go see Madam Pomfrey? She'll probably have something for that."  
  
Harry shook his head; it's not that bad. The boys got ready and met Hermione and the rest of the Gryffindors at the breakfast table. Harry drank down a large glass of orange juice hoping it would help him feel better. He glanced over to the Slytherin table and noticed that Malfoy was missing. Probably slept in after taking the dreamless sleep potion last night.  
  
It was a beautifully sunny day and Harry's spirits lifted while he and Ron flew around the field outmaneuvering each other with their broom skills. When they touched down Hermione was there to greet them with a big smile. "Well done, I can't see any other team beating Gryffindor this year."  
  
They started walking back when suddenly Harry found himself face first in the grass. "Harry!" Hermione ran over to him.  
  
Harry shook himself laughing; "I'm ok just tripped on a rock I guess."  
  
"Potter! Falling for the mudblood are you?" Came Draco's malicious voice.  
  
Once again Harry had to fight back the urge to humiliate Malfoy. He stood up glaring at Malfoy, who arrogantly stood there smirking at the three of them. Ron, who's temper snapped dove at Malfoy his fist connecting to Malfoy's jaw. "Don't ever call Hermione that again." He raised his fist but both Harry and Hermione pulled him up off of Malfoy.  
  
Malfoy got up, his hand to his jaw. "I will call her whatever I want to." His hand went to his wand.  
  
"10 points off Gryffindor for Mr. Weasley's behavior." Snape's silky voice came from near the lake. He emerged from a grove of trees to Harry's right. Anger boiled up in Harry again. Malfoy grinned widely. "And 10 points off Slytherin for Mr. Malfoy's behavior. Now I suggest you all return to your respective houses before I start meting out detentions!" The grin disappeared off Malfoy's face like a whisp of smoke. Angrily he put away his wand and with black cloak swirling turned heel. The three Gryffindors all looked at Snape with immense shock. In the past 5 years he had never taken points off of his own house, no matter how bad the Slytherin's behaved.  
  
With a raised eyebrow Snape softly snarled. "Do Gryffindors need hearing aids? I wasn't speaking to the shrubs over there, what part of get inside do you three not understand?"  
  
They quickly hurried inside. "Can you believe it! He took points off his own house and Malfoy no less!" Ron said with an extremely pleased grin.  
  
They walked up the stairs when suddenly Harry stumbled and would have hit the stairs had not Ron quickly reached out and grabbed his arm. "Hey mate, lift your feet." He teased.  
  
Harry shook his head, he wasn't usually so clumsy. "I must have stubbed my toe."  
  
"Are you all right Harry? You look a bit flushed." Hermione reached out to feel Harry's forehead but he pulled away.  
  
He coldly responded "I'm fine."  
  
"We're just worried about you." Ron stated letting go of his arm.  
  
"Well stop it, poor Harry is just fine, I don't know how many times I have to tell you two to stop fussing over me. When I really need you, you're not there!" He yelled angrily.  
  
They both looked shocked. "We're always here for you."  
  
Harry looked at him with hurt in his eyes "Really, always? What about when you thought I had put my name in the goblet of fire? I don't remember you being there for me when just about everyone outside of gryffindor turned on me, thinking I had cheated, thinking I wanted nothing but attention!"  
  
He turned his gaze to Hermione. "And you always doubting me and telling me what to do till I was so confused I didn't know what I was doing."  
  
Hermione said in a soft tear filled voice. "We put out lives on the line right there with you a couple of months ago to try and save Sirius." She blinked rapidly. "It's not our fault that he died."  
  
Harry was breathing hard and still glared at Hermione. "No, it's mine all mine."  
  
"That's not how I meant it." Hermione turned away from him and went upstairs.  
  
Ron angrily looked at Harry. Harry lashed out again. "Go ahead, you want to punch me like you did Malfoy?"  
  
Ron just shook his head at him, "What is the matter with you!" He turned and also went upstairs.  
  
Harry not wanting to follow went back down the stairs. His head ached. That feeling of being separated from everyone else choked him. He went outside again even though it had clouded over and the temperature had dropped. He went down to the lake, behind the shrubs and sat there. What he wouldn't give right now to have Sirius sitting beside him, even for just a few minutes to be able to hug him and tell him that he was sorry for all the mistakes he had made, for all the things he had done that resulted in his death. And that he hadn't meant too, he'd only wanted to help him.  
  
He remembered Sirius with his wasted face. Sirius at Christmas giving him a one armed hug and telling him 'to be careful'. Tears streamed down Harry's face as the memories came flooding back. He pulled his knees close and dropped his head down. He couldn't stop shaking as the tears kept falling and the overwhelming black hole of grief threatened to pull him into the void. When finally the tears stopped flowing and a sick feeling washed over him, he got up and headed down to the dungeons. He just wanted to be numb. 


	12. OVERDOSE

A/N sigh poor poor Harry and Snape is just going to be so pissed. Thanks again for all the wonderful comments. Thanks, I'm trying to concentrate on the grammar some more, but you know I'm called instant gratification girl for a reason, once I've put my thoughts to pen (or keyboard in this case) I can't slow down I just have to post it right away but I'll try and pay more attention (. Avatar Arkmage-I could just kiss you for that review. To everyone else I love you guys ---Happy writer here, so happy I had to add another chapter. Hope you all enjoy it. Draco lovers you'll be proud of him.  
  
Sneak peak next chapter- It's going to be a tough one so it might take a couple of days, Snape hurts Harry physically (he has no choice) but we also learn about how much Snape cares even though he is furious. Dumbledore offers some comfort, Draco's turn to be puzzled.  
  
Chapter 12 - Overdose  
  
"Harry? Harry, wake up!" Ron's voice came through his sleep-dazed mind.  
  
Harry opened his eyes. "Why, what's wrong?"  
  
"We have to get to class, Are you sick? You're all sweaty?" Ron asked with concern evident in his voice.  
  
Harry felt well rested having swallowed another draught of dreamless sleep potion that he had snatched from Snape's office the night before. He felt a little hot and feverish and a touch nauseous but concluded it was from the flu. "It's just a touch of that flu I felt coming on yesterday."  
  
"Are you sure you'll be able to play Quidditch tonight?"  
  
Harry nodded drowsily. The match wasn't till 4:30; there was no way he would miss a match between Griffindor and Slytherin.  
  
He didn't eat much at breakfast but downed a large glass of pumpkin juice.  
  
Ron and Hermione kept glancing at him and he felt very guilty about what he had said to them yesterday but still didn't feel like apologizing because that would just bring concern and questions again. After breakfast they went to Care of Magical Creatures. Hagrid discussed dragons and what their various needs were. Since he didn't have any actual dragons this time to learn from, the class seemed rather boring.  
  
Potions came next and for the first time ever Harry didn't dread it, despite that he still managed to accidentally add a touch too much of silica to his potion and Snape as usually sneered and questioned his competency.  
  
Harry didn't care; his focus was on the Quidditch match and how Gryffindor would beat Slytherin. He lived for Quidditch matches as they were one of the few things currently that added real enjoyment to his life.  
  
He felt free when he soared on his firebolt broomstick. He was determined to catch the snitch tonight and silently dedicate the victory to Sirius.  
  
The afternoon classes dragged by and then finally it was time for Quidditch. Before he and Ron got on their brooms, Hermione ran over, hugged them both, wished them luck and told them to be careful. Draco Malfoy watched them from a distance, stupid mudblood, weasel and potty. He turned and Crabbe and Goyle were there handing him his broom. A quick flash of envy boiled through him when he glanced at the three friends again.  
  
Harry's heart raced with excitement when he lifted off from the Quidditch field. His time in the air was the only time he now felt truly happy.  
  
As the game progressed Griffindor was in the lead 90 to 30. For the last hour and half Harry and Draco had chased the snitch but it appeared to be especially elusive. Harry found himself feeling very feverish and bit dizzy at times. He had to keep shaking his head to keep his focus on spotting the snitch. Suddenly Malfoy flew past him and Harry saw why. The snitch was hovering near the goal post. He took of hot on it trail as it spun and swerved. He and Draco flew neck and neck. Harry almost lost grip on the broom when Draco purposely tried to unseat him by smashing into him. Anger rose in Harry and he became all the more determined to get the snitch before Draco.  
  
The snitch headed to the very edges of the stadium with Potter and Malfoy closing in. They flew after it practically side by side. Harry suddenly found himself shaking and almost hit the wall, he managed to right the broom at the last moment and focus on the snitch again. He had almost passed Malfoy when again he felt himself grew dizzy and his vision blurred. He slowed down and Malfoy looked back at him with a puzzled stare.  
  
Must be the flu, Harry decided and the dizziness passed as he sped up again to get ahead of Malfoy. His heart jumped when Malfoy almost grabbed it. "Nooo." He shouted. He had to get it for Sirius. He swung up high and sped along over Malfoy his entire concentration on the snitch when unexpectedly everything went pitch black.  
  
With an incredible pain radiating through his shoulder, Draco regained consciousness. His head throbbed and he lifted his hand to his head. His hair felt sticky. With a groan of pain, he managed to sit up and saw Potter lying a few feet away.  
  
He was drenched in sweat and lying on his side clutching his ribs. "Potter, what the bloody hell did you think you were doing!" Potter didn't answer him; he just shivered, closed his eyes and moaned. Biting his lip, Draco slowly got up, stabs of pain coursing through his body. His head felt heavy. "Damn you Potter, I almost had the snitch!"  
  
He glanced at him again but Potter had his eyes tightly closed. He was still shaking. With a snort of disgust, Malfoy tugged off his robe and threw it over Potter. He mumbled reluctantly, "Hang on Potter, I'll get help." He limped towards the shapes running towards them. He managed to look up into Professor Snape's worried eyes and blurted out. "Potters hurt too" before the darkness overcame him and he passed out just as Snape caught him.  
  
Dumbledore had whisked both boys up and out on stretchers to the hospital wing. The students were very upset and wanted to follow but McGonagall and Snape ordered them back to their towers. Hermione and Ron were especially worried. "Do you think Malfoy did something to him?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Well if he did he also got hurt. Harry had the flu, maybe he passed out and knocked Malfoy off his broom?" Ron surmised.  
  
The mood was grim in the hospital wing. Draco groggily regained consciousness. The pain was still quite bad, he groaned when he tried to move. Someone was sponging the blood of his head and out of his hair. "There there Mr. Malfoy, Professor Snape has gone to get you some painkiller. If you can shift over just a little I have a warmth package I can slide under your worst hurt."  
  
Draco panted from the effort but managed to lift his bandaged shoulder so Professor McGonagall could slide the silvery shimmering translucent package with the gold radiating center under his shoulder. The warm heat made him sigh with relief. He looked at her puzzled as to why the house of Gryffindor was tending to him.  
  
As if she sensed what he was thinking she explained. "Mr. Potter is the more seriously injured of you two, Madam Pomfrey is tending to him as are others. His symptoms are rather puzzling. Are you feeling well enough to tell me what happened?" She asked patting his arm.  
  
"I too would like to know that." Came Snape's voice. "But first drink a few mouthfuls of this, it will help with the pain. Madam Pomfrey has already given you something to heal your injury but it will take 24 hours until you feel better." With Minerva's help Severus lifted a wincing Draco, so he could swallow a few mouthfuls of Snape's potion. "Ugh, couldn't you have put some chocolate into that." Draco responded shuddering at the taste.  
  
A hint of a smile crossed both professors' faces. "So Draco, what happened?"  
  
"We were both racing for the snitch but Potter kept lurching all over the place on his broom. It was like he couldn't control it. At one point he slowed down and I thought he would pass out, but then he raced back up over me, I think he was planning on diving for the snitch and then all of a sudden he fell off his broomstick and hit me on the way down. I was unconscious at first and I think he might have been too."  
  
Snape frowned. "I see, Draco this will seem like an odd question but did you at anytime over the last few days go into my office and take some bottles of dreamless sleep potion?"  
  
Weariness was descending over Draco. The gray blue eyes opened again and focused on Snape. "No, the last time I had any of that was the one you gave me."  
  
Snape nodded. "That's what I thought. Go to sleep now and tomorrow you'll start to feel a lot better."  
  
Professor McGonagall pulled some warm blankets over him. Draco sighed. He blocked out the worried whispers coming from the bed on the other side of the room and went to sleep.  
  
"Severus, you think it was dreamless sleep potion?" Minerva asked with worry edged deeply in her voice.  
  
"I can't be sure because his symptoms match many potions, he could have tried to brew something himself and judging his lack of skill at potions might have made a mistake but since that particular potion is the one missing I suspect it. As soon as he wakes up, he will tell me."  
  
"Perhaps you better let me talk to him Severus, you are far too angry."  
  
"Minerva the boy just about killed himself and Malfoy likely as a result of stealing potions from me. He doesn't need to be coddled, he needs to be made aware of the repercussions of his actions!"  
  
"Severus we are well aware of how grave a judgement in error, Harry has made but he is in a high degree of pain and if it was the dreamless sleeping draught he won't be feeling very well for quite a few days yet. Let's concentrate on getting him stable, his life is still in danger." Dumbledore spoke seriously in a low whisper.  
  
"When he regains consciousness, I insist on spending some time alone with him. He has to tell me what he took or I will find out by force, so if possible I can counter potion it. Until that time, we can not give him anything, all we can do is alternately keep him warm and cool and monitor his rapid heartbeat."  
  
Dumbledore sighed, "Very well Severus but do not deal with him too harshly!"  
  
Snape's eyes glittered dangerously. 


	13. pain

Chapter 13 - Pain A/N well I actually finished it sooner than I expected too. Thanks for all the reviews they are wonderfully motivating! Sneak peak for next chapter: mudblood helps a dragon, Snape and Lupin chat, Hermione and Ron sneak in to see Harry.  
  
Harry whimpered as someone kept lightly slapping his face. "Potter wake up!" He heard Professor Snape's impatient voice.  
  
He cringed turning his face away. He was breathing really hard and he felt like Voldemort had just put the cruciatus curse on him. He gasped out loud and shivered violently.  
  
Someone grabbed his chin and forcibly turned his head. "Potter open your eyes."  
  
With a soft groan Harry opened his eyes and saw Snape's dark eyes inches from his face.  
  
"What potion did you take?" Came the angry yet controlled voice.  
  
Harry swallowed.  
  
"Potter, you have overdosed on a potion. Tell me right now what it was!"  
  
The Quidditch match flew through Harry's head. What had happened? He must have fallen, every inch of his body ached.  
  
"Did you steal dreamless sleeping potion from my office?" Snape yelled, making Harry cringe.  
  
"Nnnno." He lied.  
  
Snape's eyes flashed. "What then did you take!"  
  
Harry shivered again as a wave of pain overwhelmed him. "Nothing, I've got the flu."  
  
"You are lying." Snape growled. "You foolish boy, you almost killed yourself. I would give you Veritaserum to get the truth out of you if I wasn't worried how it and whatever you took will interact. I'm warning you Potter, we can't treat you until you tell me what you took!"  
  
Harry stubbornly responded again. "Nothing."  
  
Snape sat back with a grim expression. "I didn't want to do this but you leave me no choice."  
  
He grabbed Potter's arm, the one that was the closest to him.  
  
Harry let out a cry of pain and struggled to pull from Snape's grasp. Snape waved his wand and ropes flew out from under the bed and wrapped around Harry effectively making him immobile.  
  
Potter panting from the pain and the fright turned tear filled green eyes on him. "Nooo, let me go, please." He whispered close to panic.  
  
Snape swallowed and he spoke quietly. " Relax, I will let you go and untie you if you tell me right now what you took!"  
  
Half dazed with pain, Harry couldn't think clearly. He couldn't tell Snape that he had stolen the potions, he'd find out he hadn't spoken to Lupin and things would be back to where they had started. He shook his head.  
  
"You leave me no choice." Snape responded angrily. Out of his pocket he took a vial, he stretched Harry's arm out and applied a liquid to the vein on the inside of his arm. Then he inserted a needle.  
  
Harry jumped as far as the ropes would let him. Incredible pain went coursing up his arm causing pinpricks of fire to ignite throughout his body. The pain was excruciating. With a cry, he turned pleading eyes on Snape. His voice breaking as he begged. "Stop, please stop." He took a shuddering breath. "This really hurts bad, please, why are doing this to me?" His last word ended in a sob as he squeezed his eyes shut, shivering uncontrollably "Stop."  
  
"Your reaction proves almost conclusively that you stole the dreamless sleep potion. One of its side effects is intolerance to pain. This needle shouldn't have been more than a minor discomfort, a slight pinch, yet here you are experiencing unbearable pain." He withdrew the needle with a small amount of blood. "Madam Pomfrey and I will test this. If you had told me the truth this wouldn't have been necessary." He put a touch of liquid on the spot from where he had withdrawn the blood to ensure it wouldn't keep bleeding. Then he waved his wand and released the ropes. Harry pulled his arm close. Panting rapidly, he put his head down on the sore arm, black hair falling as he cradled his arm close to his body.  
  
"Potter if the tests prove conclusively that this is a dreamless sleep potion overdose, you can rest assured you will be punished. You will spend a month of detention in my office and you will be banned from Quidditch matches for the rest of the year!" Snape then whispered icily into Harry's ear. "Don't ever steal from me again!"  
  
Harry tried to quickly turn away from him but the stabbing sensation in his ribs made the world go black.  
  
White faced and shaking himself, Snape sat back regarding the unconscious boy. Just when he had started trusting Potter and actually letting himself feel something other than dislike for him, Potter pulls something like this. He trembled in anger.  
  
"I understand that you are angry and feel betrayed but that was rather harsh Severus." Came Dumbledore's voice softy behind him.  
  
Snape cleared his throat. "How long have you been there."  
  
"From the beginning."  
  
Snape turned to him angrily. "Didn't trust me with the golden boy?"  
  
"Did you trust yourself?" Dumbledore regarded him with a piercing look over his half moon glasses. "Look at him."  
  
Reluctantly Snape turned back to regard Harry's very pale face, a silver trail of tears that he had caused shimming down his face. His breathing was still rapid. A sheen of sweat covered his skin. Snape sighed and all anger that he had felt left him.  
  
"Harry needs us." Came Dumbledore's quiet voice.  
  
Snape got up ignoring Dumbledore's last comment. "I have to get this tested."  
  
"Let me know the results."  
  
Very early the next morning when the world was still dark but slight edges of gray poked at the horizon, Harry woke up. He felt horribly sick and knew he would throw up. A hand helped him sit up and a bucket was placed before him. When he finished, he was once again trembling uncontrollably, ice coursed over his skin and he winced at the shards of pain cutting through him. An arm went around him and Harry found hot tears coursing down his face and into Dumbledore's beard as he pulled him close.  
  
His one hand stroked the smooth black hair and the other rubbed Harry's back. "Unfortunately because you took much too much dreamless sleep potion, we cannot give you any painkiller as it would harm you further. I'm sorry you are suffering so much, but by the end of the week you'll feel much better. Professor Snape is.."  
  
"Don't say his name." Gasped Harry. "I don't ever want to see him again." His head sank further into Dumbledore's beard.  
  
Dumbledore gently grabbed his shoulders pulling him back a little. "Harry, I want you to listen to me." He made eye contact with Harry's pain filled gaze. "Professor Snape is rightfully angry at you. He trusted you, he was even proud of you after the last lesson you had together. How do you think he feels after you stole from him? You have betrayed a hard won trust." Dumbledore paused so his words would sink in. "Nevertheless, despite his anger, he is incredibly worried about you. He has spent half the night trying to find something that will ease the pain you are feeling a bit and he has spent the other half sitting here with you, helping you sit up everytime you were sick, applying incentia balm to your forehead to cool you off when the fever took hold. Wrapping you in warm blankets and applying the warming package when chills shook you. You are doing an incredible disservice to Professor Snape by being angry with him. What you did is not his fault, it is yours alone. Not only did you seriously injure yourself but you almost took Mr. Malfoy's life."  
  
Harry swallowed hard remembering the Quidditch match. "Is Draco ok?"  
  
"His shoulder was dislocated, he has a serious concussion, and many painful scrapes and bruises. He will recover. He is sleeping across the room."  
  
"I'm sorry." Harry whispered painfully.  
  
"I hope so." Dumbledore said gravely.  
  
"I wanted to catch the snitch and dedicate the win to Sirius." Harry whispered brokenly.  
  
"There will be many more Quidditch matches and snitches to catch."  
  
Harry winced shaking his head. "Professor Snape said I can't play Quidditch for the rest of the year and I have to have a month in detention with him."  
  
"There will be punishment for what you have done but since Professor McGonagall is head of your house, I'm sure she will speak to Professor Snape about a compromise. Now let's not worry about Quidditch and focus on making you feel better. Once you have recovered, Professor Snape will be speaking with you to find out why you took so much of the potion. I suggest you don't lie to him or I will allow him to use Veritaserum on you." Dumbledore's voice took on a stern tone.  
  
The dark lashes closed tightly against his pale cheeks. Not Snape again. He wished he'd never have to see him again.  
  
Dumbledore laid him down on the bed and Harry found himself drifting off into a restless sleep again.  
  
Dumbledore quietly got up and went over to check on Draco. The boy seemed to be sleeping peacefully. Dumbledore reached over and gently stroked the soft light blond hair. He was relieved to feel no fever. As soon as he went back to Harry, Draco's gray blue eyes opened again. He had woken a short while ago and heard bits of Dumbledore's conversation with Potter. He lay there puzzled. Potter had stolen sleep potion from Professor Snape? Was he insane? Potter seemed to be in bad shape. He couldn't figure out how Potter could overdose on sleep potion." 


	14. the morning after

A/N Wow what a huge load of reviews, thanks! There is nothing quite as gratifying as feedback. I decided to post another today ( a little longer than usual) because there definitely won't be one tomorrow, time for a night out on the town (. I'll likely concoct something on Saturday again. Apologies in the last sneak preview I mentioned that Ron and Hermione sneak in to see Harry but alas it hasn't happened yet. Hope you enjoy anyway. I realized that yes I do use their names an awful lot, keeps the thoughts straight in my head but I've been overdoing the names lately, I've tried to cut down a bit in this chapter, hope it's clear who is speaking and when. Sneak peak for next chapter, ok that's no surprise Ron and Hermione sneak in to see Harry (I promise!). Draco sulks. Harry needs to eat, Snape brings oatmeal.  
  
Chapter 14 - the morning after  
  
Draco awoke the following morning feeling much better. He was still rather sore and stiff but if he moved slowly the pain was bearable.  
  
Professors and Madam Pomfrey were constantly hovering around Potter's bed. Draco imagined it would be even worse once the students were allowed in. He carefully got out of bed closing his eyes for a moment till his equilibrium returned and moved slowly over to Potter's bed. Potter looked like hell, a gray cast to his skin and he was apparently unconscious again. Madam Pomfrey shooed him away from the bed and he restlessly went back to his own. He didn't want to be in here anymore, he hated the hospital wing. When Madam Pomfrey bustled out to likely get something for Potter, he gingerly put on the robe and slippers that Professor McGonagall had brought for him. Picking up the pain potion that Snape had left for him he slowly made his way over to the door.  
  
He winced as he opened it; his head still pounded painfully. The door closed behind him just as the pain potion slipped through his fingers. He bent quickly to pick it up and inadvertently hit his shoulder on the stone wall. The pain brought him to his knees, making his eyes water and his teeth clench. A soft hiss escaped from his lips as he tried to keep from sinking into blackness.  
  
"Well there's a sight that makes my soul sing. Draco Malfoy on his knees." Came Hermione's cold voice as she bent down to pick up the potion. She added with a sly smile "I think it's obvious that you are falling for me." Draco winced as he looked up at her. "You may wish that was the case Mudblood but it will never happen."  
  
Hermione was startled by how bad Malfoy looked. His gray blue eyes were teary and it was obvious he was hurting. He was still wearing pajamas and a silver gray robe. Ignoring his usual insults she asked, "What are doing out of the hospital wing?"  
  
"None of your business!" came Malfoy's abrupt reply.  
  
"All right then." She headed to the door.  
  
"Wait Mudblood, give me the potion!"  
  
She turned to regard him coldly. "Excuse me did you say something ferret boy?"  
  
He shuddered slightly. It was obvious that he did not like being reminded of the fake Moody's punishment two years ago, a time when he was thoroughly humiliated. He took a deep breath calming himself. He needed a swig of the painkiller or else he'd never make it back to his tower. "Please, give me the potion." He said with his voice full of resentment.  
  
"I will on one condition; say my name."  
  
He almost opened his mouth and said Mudblood but her eyes were flashing angrily at him. He tried to get up but his knees buckled. Through a haze of pain he looked at her. "Please Hermione. " He said hoarsely.  
  
She was at his side instantly and handed him the bottle. He clumsily tried to unscrew the top but his hands were shaking too much. Hermione reached over and did it for him. She lifted the potion up to his mouth. "Take a couple of sips." He did and suddenly felt very drowsy.  
  
Hermione noted how the gray blue eyes closed and Draco looked as if he would fall asleep right there. "Come on you need to go back into the hospital ward."  
  
His eyes opened again and he glared at her. "No!"  
  
She snorted at him angrily. "Suit yourself."  
  
"I'm fine at least I didn't overdose like Potter did."  
  
"What, what did you say?" She asked panic in her eyes.  
  
"You heard me, Potter overdosed on dreamless sleeping potion, apparently he stole it from Professor Snape."  
  
Hermione's heart did a painful jump.  
  
Draco tried again to get to his feet and with a wince he finally made it albeit he wavered unsteadily.  
  
As much as she detested Malfoy and all the malicious things he had done over the years, she felt a twinge of sympathy seeing him look so vulnerable.  
  
He gripped the wall tightly as he shivered.  
  
She sighed impatiently. "Do you want me to help you get to wherever you are going?" She asked in an exasperated tone.  
  
He glanced at her again. It was obvious she didn't want to help him anymore that he wanted her help. He stood there confused for a moment knowing that he wouldn't likely be able to make it on his own. "Well?" She asked again tapping her foot.  
  
He tried to shrug casually but the stab in his shoulder made him gasp as he answered. "If you insist."  
  
"Um, right then, Where did you wan to go." She asked as she went to stand beside him. "Put your hand on my shoulder so you don't fall over."  
  
Draco hesitantly and awkwardly put his hand on Hermione's shoulder. She moved closer and her arm slid gently around his waist. "Ok now just lean on me. You still haven't told me where you want to go?"  
  
"My room."  
  
"Do you have Madam Pomfrey's permission because you really don't look well enough to be up."  
  
Before Draco had a chance to lie, Professor Snape suddenly appeared.  
  
"Draco, what are you doing out of bed!" He looked rather confused at the sight of Hermione and Draco so close together.  
  
"I knew it." Hermione spoke up. "Professor Snape, Malfoy isn't' well enough to be up."  
  
"I fully agree." Was Snape's response.  
  
Draco cleared his throat. "Professor, please I just want to be in my own bed."  
  
"What you want at the moment isn't what matters. You NEED to be in the hospital ward recuperating. Let's go!" Snape's patience level was at an all time low.  
  
Draco removed his arm from around Hermione after throwing her an icy look. Snape immediately grabbed him.  
  
"Ms. Grainger if you are considering paying Potter a visit you'll have to postpone that for another day. He is in no condition to receive visitors yet."  
  
Hermione's face fell. "How is he? Malfoy said he overdosed on Dreamless Sleep potion."  
  
Snape glared at Draco. A sick feeling formed in Draco's stomach. "I'm sure Draco won't be telling anyone else what he has overheard?" Snape's voice took on a dangerous tone. Draco shook his head causing a wave of dizziness.  
  
Snape's gaze went back to Hermione. "Yes Potter is suffering from an overdose. We're taking care of him and he'll likely be feeling better by the weekend."  
  
"When can I see him?"  
  
"Not for a few days." Snape's tone had a finality about it, She knew it was pointless to argue.  
  
Harry was almost afraid to open his eyes; worried that Snape would be there to torture him again.  
  
"Harry?" Lupin's voice came out of the haze.  
  
He opened his eyes.  
  
"How are you feeling this morning?"  
  
Harry gave a small smile. "I've, I've been better."  
  
Lupin smiled gently. "You have two broken ribs which Madam Pomfrey bound tightly, various bruises and of course all the side effects from the potion. Are you still feeling sick?"  
  
Harry nodded.  
  
"Professor Snape brewed up some tea, with special herbs he got from the forbidden forest this morning. They won't interact negatively with the potion." He brought the cup over to him but Harry shook his head.  
  
"Would you rather spend the next few days being sick?"  
  
Harry shook his head miserably. He said weakly "I don't want anything from Snape."  
  
"Watch Harry." Lupin took a big swallow from the cup. He smiled at him patiently. "See it's not poison, Professor Snape isn't out to purposely hurt you."  
  
Harry shivered at his words. Lupin sat back thoughtfully. Dumbledore had told him that Harry had been traumatized a bit by what Snape needed to do last night to find out what he had taken. He hadn't given him details but he suggested that Lupin rather than Snape give him the tea. He reached over and held the cup in front of Harry again. Harry looked at it suspiciously then attempted to sit up. Lupin's arm came out under his shoulder lifting him. He drank the tea. The effort exhausted him and he lay back down and fell asleep. Lupin sat watching him.  
  
Snape came in assisting Draco. Lupin looked at him with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"Mr. Malfoy decided to go for a stroll." He brought him over to the bed. As soon as Draco lay down he fell asleep again. Snape pulled the covers over him. He then went and joined Lupin.  
  
"How is he?"  
  
"Tired, and as expected in pain."  
  
"Did he drink the tea?"  
  
"Yes." Lupin looked closely at Snape. All the professors were tired this morning but Snape looked especially haggard. "I'll stay with him. Why don't you get some sleep before your class?"  
  
He shook his head. "I appreciate your concern Remus but I need to talk to you." He spoke the first few words with a hint of sarcasm.  
  
Lupin ignored it and tried again. "Severus you are exhausted, I won't go anywhere, you can talk to me after getting some rest."  
  
Annoyance flashed in Snape's eyes. "No, this is important, it concerns Harry. Did anything come up in your conversation with him that might have made him want to take the dreamless sleep potion?"  
  
Lupin shook his head. "I have attempted to reach out to Harry on a number of occasions since Sirius died but aside from casual conversations he has avoided me."  
  
Snape seemed to have gone into a trance.  
  
"Severus."  
  
His eyes snapped back at Lupin a strange expression on his face. "I'm going to follow your advice after all Remus. I'm sure you and Madam Pomfrey will keep on eye on him."  
  
"Of course."  
  
Casting a glance at Harry, Snape walked out feeling like everything around him was spinning. He retreated down into his office, lit a fire and sat in the recliner. Loki jumped on his lap and purred comfortingly. Snape stroked the silky black fur. The realization dawning in his mind: 'Harry had taken the sleep potion in order to block him in occlumency.' 


	15. Concern

A/N thank you for all the reviews, I'll try to answer some questions. I tend to write things and the explanation for them is in my head, I then forget to add what is in my head onto paper.hence some of you are confused as to why dreamless sleep potion would ward of legilimens. LOL in my head I worked it out as whenever a normal person dreams it is usually related to things floating about in the subconscious mind, so the dreamless sleep potion cuts out those subconscious thoughts. So I figured dreamless sleep potion in smaller amounts will while one is awake also cut out those subconscious thoughts and legilimens won't work because the mind is at rest and blocks it. As for being a writer, yes I am on occasion when I find a friendly publisher, I have written for newspapers and magazines but my desire is to break into the book publishing world with my children's and young adult fiction. Sigh one of these days and yes my grammar is much better when I work on those stories because I'm not writing at such a fast pace although I'll be the first to admit I'm my own worst editor. Sneak peak.well it will be a surprise to us all cause right now I haven't a clue(  
  
Chapter 15 - concern  
  
"He's certainly not himself today." Hermione whispered to Ron. Ron shook his head watching Professor Snape mechanically teach a potions lesson. Neville's potion had exploded and aside from a sharp "Mr. Longbottom clean up that mess." Snape absentmindedly wandered around the room.  
  
"I guess he's just tired, all the professors are. Most of them were up half the night taking care of Harry and Malfoy." Ron replied as he carefully made sure to add just the right amount of wart of toad to his potion.  
  
"So as soon as this lesson is over we'll sneak in to see Harry? I knew something was wrong, I just wish he wouldn't keep shutting us out. I can't believe he overdosed on the potion and that he stole it from Professor Snape."  
  
Ron shuddered. "Snape must be furious with him."  
  
Hermione nodded. "Not only did he steal the potion but he hurt Malfoy. I only hope Professor Snape isn't mean to him."  
  
Ron made a face. "He's always mean."  
  
Right after class Snape went to find Lupin and together they went to meet with Dumbledore.  
  
"Severus I don't understand why I need to be at this meeting." Lupin asked confused.  
  
"You'll understand shortly."  
  
Dumbledore sat behind his desk regarding the two men before him. Severus seemed determined while Remus looked somewhat confused.  
  
"Severus you asked for this meeting, what can I do for you?"  
  
"I would like you to turn Potter over to Remus for occlumency lessons. He refuses to learn through me, he lies and steals and I have had enough of his behavior!" Snape responded angrily.  
  
Lupin opened his mouth to say something but Dumbledore held up his hand. "Two days ago you reported to me that Harry had made a huge improvement and you were very willing to help him until he mastered occlumency. He needs you now more than ever. I understand how angry you are and he will be punished for stealing from you but I expect you to continue the lessons."  
  
"If I may interrupt for a moment. Although I am trained in Occlumency, I am no where as skilled as you are Severus. Considering who Harry is up against he needs the best."  
  
"Nothing I say or do will make Potter learn Occlumency. He is stubborn, evasive and manipulative! I am convinced he stole the potion in order to numb his subconscious and hence block me at Occlumency. He has not been able to master it on his own and since lessons were very hard on him I suggested he need to learn to deal with the events in his life that caused him pain. I insisted he speak to you, Remus since he said you were the person he trusted the most. This morning I discover he never even made an attempt!!!" Snape's dark eyes were cloaked in fury and his body had become very rigid with anger.  
  
"Relax professor. We all understand your frustration. We have all been feeling badly that none of us anticipated what Harry has done. You are the one who should feel the least guilty as you attempted to provide an outlet for him. It is Harry's fault for not following your advice, not yours. However I believe that Remus who is his father's last living friend, aside from Peter, is the wrong choice right now. Harry is in far too an emotional state at the moment; he would not want to break down in front of his father's friend. I think when you and Minerva meet to discuss his punishment you will agree on some detention time, which Harry will serve with you. Do what you need to do within reason to make Harry talk about these events, help him to deal with it. Test him at occlumency again, if there is little improvement you may need to take him to the Ministry of Magic to the veil."  
  
Snape shook his head, "Potter will never confide in me, he detests me, especially after what I needed to do."  
  
"Then you will need to change that. You will both need to learn how to trust each other. Severus, you need to be patient."  
  
"Perhaps it would be beneficial to not let on that you know why he took the potion, encourage him to tell you on his own why he took it and that he hasn't spoken to me?" Lupin suggested.  
  
"Wonderful idea Remus. I'm sure Severus will take advantage of that suggestion." Dumbledore looked at Snape expectantly.  
  
Snape looked anything but pleased. "I'm sure our famous golden boy will just lie to me again!"  
  
"I don't believe so. I told him he needs to be honest with you because I've given you permission to use Veritaserum on him if he wasn't."  
  
Snape's dark scowl lightened somewhat. He nodded grudgingly. "It's good to hear that he can expect some repercussions with your approval."  
  
Dumbledore nodded gravely. "Repercussions yes, but I will not condone harsh treatment." Blue eyes regarded dark eyes intently.  
  
Snape nodded curtly.  
  
"If I can be off any help I'm sure you will let me know. I will attempt to draw Harry out as much as I can." Lupin stated.  
  
They peeked into the hospital wing and were relieved to see that no one was there. "I think Madam Pomfrey went for a cup of tea. I usually see her near the kitchens at this time of day." Hermione whispered.  
  
They made their way over to Harry's bed. Hermione glanced over at Malfoy, who was fast asleep.  
  
They were both shocked to see how incredibly ill Harry looked. Tears formed in Hermione's eyes as guilt washed over her. Why hadn't she seen what Harry was doing? Why hadn't she found a way to stop him? She had just let him drive her away. She sat down on a chair close to his bed and gently reached over to take his warm hand in her own. His face was turned towards her, his dark hair mussed as usual, his lashes dark against his pale face. "Oh Harry. Why did you do this." She whispered.  
  
Ron had gone to the other side of the bed and quietly pulled up a chair. He followed Hermione's lead and grabbed Harry's other hand. "Hey mate, we're here for you." He whispered.  
  
Harry felt the warmness spread through him. He opened his eyes to look into Hermione's tear filled brown ones. He attempted a small smile.  
  
"How are you feeling?"  
  
"Kind of like a dementor played rugby with me."  
  
Ron snorted.  
  
"Shhhhh. Do you want to get us kicked out." Hermione whispered.  
  
"Mate why didn't you tell us? We could have helped." Ron asked quietly.  
  
Harry shook his head.  
  
"Harry, is it true? You stole potions from Professor Snape?"  
  
He nodded again looking very uncomfortable. "I'm getting detention for that and being banned from Quidditch, I just don't know for how long yet." Harry responded hoarsely.  
  
"Bloody hell, you love Quidditch!"  
  
Harry didn't want to think about it.  
  
"How touching Potter to have your pets gathered around you." Draco sneered as he sat up  
  
"How sad Malfoy that none of your goons care enough to come." Hermione stated with her eyes flashing. She had hoped that Malfoy would at least lay off for a bit until Harry had fully recovered. Seeing his once again malicious expression made her furious with herself for having helped him this morning.  
  
"I'm sure they're planning on getting Potter back for having almost killed me." "Shut up Malfoy or I'll give you a real reason for lounging about faking it here in the hospital wing." Ron shouted angrily.  
  
"Ron stop, he's not faking it. Just ignore him." Hermione spoke up.  
  
"I'm sorry I got you injured, Malfoy." Came the quiet voice.  
  
Potter was apologizing to him? Draco hadn't expected that and it caught him off guard.  
  
"I'm sure Malfoy will go running to his father if of course he can find him and get new broomstick or something out of it. He'll be milking it for plenty of sympathy." Ron growled.  
  
"Shut up Weasley. Just shut the hell up!" Malfoy shouted loudly.  
  
Puzzled by his outburst Ron and Hermione looked at him wide eyed.  
  
"Just leave him alone ok." Came Harry's hoarse voice from the bed.  
  
Draco lay back sulking. His heart raced at the mention of his father, he didn't need the Weasel bringing him up and he didn't need Potty protecting him.  
  
"What are you two doing in here?" Professor Snape entered the hospital wing closing the door with a bang.  
  
They gaped at him not knowing what to say and judging by the scowl on his face no words would have mattered.  
  
Ms. Granger I thought I made myself explicitly clear that Potter receive no visitors till the end of the week!"  
  
"Sorry Professor, we were just so worried about him." She got up, then reached over and kissed Harry on the forehead, "Please get better soon, listen to what Madam Pomfrey tells you."  
  
He nodded, his heart clenching as Snape approached.  
  
Ron and Hermione left casting worried glances backward as they exited the room.  
  
"Draco if you are feeling up to it, you may go for a short stroll, I expect you back here in 10 minutes." Draco put on his robe and slowly made his way out the door. He glanced back at Professor Snape wondering what he would have to say to Potter.  
  
"Potter, Madam Pomfrey tells me that you have not eaten any of the broth she has prepared for you. Since it is vital that you at least start to keep small amounts of food down, I have brought you some porridge."  
  
Harry refused to look at Snape.  
  
"Avoiding eye contact with me, will not make me simply vanish no matter how much you want me to. I'm giving you a choice, you either eat some of this willingly or we will have to resort to feeding you via a needle in your arm. Although you have recovered somewhat from the potion's effects, I can assure you the needle will be virtually as painful as the last one. It is in your best interest to eat."  
  
Harry snorted softly. "You're just looking for another excuse to torment me. Was last night not enjoyable enough for you? Didn't I beg enough for you to stop, you want a replay." Anger mixed with despair glared out of Harry's eyes.  
  
Snape responded angrily. "I gave you a choice last night and you chose to lie to me. In order to possibly save your life I had no choice with what I had to do." He calmed himself somewhat. Remembering how Potter had looked last night when Dumbledore made him look, he added softly. " I know how much I had to hurt you last night and I am sorry Potter."  
  
Harry squeezed his eyes shut and turned away. Snape gently turned his arm over. He jumped, then with a cry of pain fell back against the pillow trying to pull his arm back.  
  
"Shhhh, let me see." Snape spoke curtly. Potters arm was blue at the injection site and the bruise traveled up his arm almost to his shoulder. "As soon as all the potion has worn off, I will put something on that to heal you. I did not cause you all this pain on purpose." Snape stated firmly. Snape uncovered the bowl of porridge he had carried in. He pulled out a spoon and held them out to Potter.  
  
His stomach gave a soft growl. He shakily reached out to the spoon but a tremor ran through him and he dropped it on the sheets.  
  
With a sigh Snape picked it up and set it down on the nightstand. He slipped his arm under Potters shoulders and lifted him enough so he was a bit elevated with the help of the pillows. He filled the spoon half way with porridge and held it to Potter's mouth. Potter looked at him warily swallowing hard, then took the spoonful. He managed to swallow three and then shook his head.  
  
"Well done, hopefully this will stay down and we can improve day by day. Try and get some more sleep. Professor McGonagall will be here shortly".  
  
"She has already arrived." Came Minerva's somewhat amused statement. She had walked in to the sight of Severus spoon feeding Harry. Her thin lips parted in a smile as she regarded him. He glowered at her in return.  
  
"You might have made your presence known."  
  
"Why Severus? You were doing a fine job."  
  
She sat down beside Harry who was already half asleep. She patted his hand; "You get some rest dear."  
  
Snape left the room as quickly as possible almost colliding with Draco as he entered. "Get back into your bed and get some sleep." He snapped at him, leaving a startled Draco holding the door. 


	16. nightmares

A/N LOL Nana-Hedwig you and I must be on the same wavelength. Last night as I was mulling over what to write for the next chapter, it crossed my mind that the dreamless sleep potion overdose should slowly be wearing off by now and it's time for a nightmare, then I read your review this morning. Candledot, Hope whatever you are going through isn't anywhere near as bad as what Harry has been suffering. Ok so with this whole Draco child abuse thing was anyone else freaked out by the cut scene (Draco and Lucius and his staff) from book 2 movie version (I just saw it today)? It seems the director was thinking along the same lines although the book doesn't substantiate it. Hmmmm interesting. Anyway on with the story. Since Harry has support from many, I felt bad for Draco and decided to give him someone else who cares. Sneak peak for next chapter - this is tough because I know what will happen in chapters down the road but will have to sleep on the next one but rest assured Snape will be back. p.s. Kangaroo.chocolate is my favourite (smiles), Supernova8610, I don't know why maybe some emotional strings are being pulled but am curious does this one also make you want to cry? Let me know.  
  
Chapter 16 - Nightmares  
  
"So why did you do it Potter?" Draco had gotten up and sat in the chair by Harry's bed.  
  
Harry smiled wryly. "Do you really think I would tell you?"  
  
Draco sneered. "Well since you almost killed me, I think you could at least tell me why?"  
  
"I could, but I won't" Harry responded softly.  
  
"Too embarrassed?" Draco challenged.  
  
Harry looked at him intently. "Why don't you confide what your hiding first?"  
  
Color drained from Draco's face but then he recovered quickly. "What are you getting at Potter? I have nothing to hide!"  
  
Harry shrugged. "If you say so."  
  
With an annoyed snort, Draco got up and headed back to his own bed. When he climbed back into his bed he realized that Potter had effectively diverted the focus from himself. His eyes narrowed. What was Potter hiding?  
  
Madam Pomfrey bustled in with some broth for Harry and a plate of sandwiches and pumpkin juice for Draco.  
  
Harry still didn't feel like eating but Professor McGonagall had told him earlier that the sooner he started eating the sooner he'd be able to leave the hospital ward. He was still feeling very shaky but his breathing had finally slowed down a bit and with the help of Snape's tea he hadn't thrown up anymore. He still had the alternating chills and fever and his ribs still hurt a lot but Madam Pomfrey had said it was just a matter of time and then she could heal his ribs.  
  
He couldn't suppress the groan when he sat up and he felt a chill course through him. Panting slightly he picked up the cup Madam Pomfrey had put the broth into and slowly lifted the shaking cup to his mouth. He managed to drink about half of it but then a wave of dizziness took over and he quickly put it down on the nightstand.  
  
Someone had put his robe on the chair beside the bed. He was cold from the chills but he didn't really want to slide under the covers again, he wanted to stay sitting up for a little while at least. He carefully reached over to grab the robe but suddenly a stab of agony shot through his ribs, with a cry of pain he sank back wrapping his arms around his ribs while gasping for breath.  
  
Draco had been watching Potter through narrowed eyes, when he tried to grab the robe and gasped with pain, he got up. He went over to Potter. "Do you want me to get Madam Pomfrey?"  
  
Harry shook his head, he trembled as he answered. "No, she can't do anything yet."  
  
Reluctantly Draco grabbed the robe from the chair and threw it around Potter's shoulders.  
  
Harry looked up at him puzzled. "Thanks."  
  
With a quick nod Draco went back to his bed to finish his pumpkin juice.  
  
Madam Pomfrey soon bustled in to check on them. "Are you both doing ok?"  
  
"Potter's not doing so well."  
  
"What happened Potter?" She went over to him feeling his forehead.  
  
Draco couldn't help smiling at the annoyed look Potter threw him.  
  
"I'm fine, really, it was just my ribs for a moment." Harry explained.  
  
She nodded. "You didn't finish all your broth."  
  
Harry shook his head, "I don't want the rest."  
  
"I insist you take a full cup tomorrow morning or eat a bowl of porridge." Came her orders.  
  
"I'll try." He promised.  
  
She went over to Draco. "Empty plate and glass. Well done Mr. Malfoy. I expect you might be able to return to your room tomorrow."  
  
Malfoy smiled.  
  
"Ok it's time for lights out." The only lights she left burning were the small lanterns by their beds. "Professor McGonagall will be back tonight to periodically check on you both."  
  
She left after both boys had settled under the covers.  
  
Just after midnight Draco was awoken. At first he didn't know by what but then he heard Potter tossing and turning and mumbling something.  
  
He seemed to be having a really bad dream. With a frown, Draco got up and went over to him. He reached down shaking his shoulder "Potter wake up!"  
  
Voldemort had Hermione and he was laughing at him. "You can't win Harry, I will kill everyone you care about, one by one." Then he shouted Avada Kedavra and a bolt of green light shot out of his wand and Hermione lay dead before him, her eyes wide and accusing. Harry screamed "nooooo" an unbearable pain gripping his heart. Then Voldemorts horrible face broke into a smile and he pointed shouting "LOOK!" Harry tearfully turned from Hermione's body just in time to see Ron with a look of betrayal falling through the veil. "NO don't die!" Harry sobbed.  
  
"Move Mr. Malfoy." Professor McGonagall lightly tapped Harry's face. "Potter come on, you're having a nightmare, wake up, wake up!" Harry came awake with a start. He gripped Professor McGonagall's hand, "Hermione and Ron, please are they ok, please go look."  
  
"Hush, they are both just fine. I just came from the Griffindor tower, I promise they are both fine, you just had a nightmare." Minerva realized she would need to tell Severus about this as soon as possible in the morning. Apparently the dreamless sleep potion overdose had worn off enough for the nightmares to start again as Mr. Weasley had told her were happening rather regularly.  
  
Harry suddenly realized that Malfoy was standing there regarding him with a rather shocked expression. His hands quickly came up to wipe the tears of his face. He closed his eyes and breathed. First Snape now Malfoy, could he possibly be humiliated even more.  
  
Professor McGonagall turned to Draco. "Mr. Malfoy, thank you for coming to Mr. Potters aid, I will assume now that you will keep this to yourself, otherwise I will be forced to place you into detention and deduct points of Slytherin."  
  
Draco glared at her. Then went back to bed. So Potter was dreaming that mudblood and the weasel were dead. Seeing Harry all upset practically crying made him feel odd. Even if Professor McGonagall hadn't threatened him, he knew he wouldn't have told anyone. It reminded him too much of how embarrassed he had felt losing it in front of Snape. He went back under the covers and fell asleep to the sounds of the professor calming Potter.  
  
Harry took a few sips of the tea that Snape had made for calming his stomach then lay back down. Professor McGonagall fussed over him and finally sat down in the chair, taking his hand. "Go to sleep Potter I will sit here with you." Harry nodded gratefully and fell into a deep sleep.  
  
Minerva had no idea that Harry wouldn't be the one most needing her that night. She had drifted into a light sleep when Malfoy's cries woke her.  
  
She got up and went over to him. He was curled into a ball and was covered in a sheen of sweat. "I'm sorry." He gasped. Minerva shook him lightly to try and wake him.  
  
It was his last Christmas Eve. An elegant party with numerous high-ranking guests attended the lavish evening.  
  
"So tell me Draco, how are you doing at Hogwarts?" Asked John Dark.  
  
"I'm doing really well." Draco responded.  
  
"Are you at the top of your studies? I heard that a mudblood was in the lead?"  
  
Draco snorted. "Hermione Granger? Yes she is in the lead but not for long, she'll fall like Potter."  
  
"Didn't Potter beat you at every Quidditch match you have played?"  
  
Draco suddenly felt uncomfortable. This death eater was a well respected enemy of Lucius', both were vying for the dark lord's attention.  
  
"Well technically yes but."  
  
"John, would you kindly excuse us for a moment, I need a moment with my son." Came Lucius' drawling voice.  
  
Draco stiffened, a sense of horror creeping up his skin.  
  
"Of course Lucius."  
  
"Your room Draco." Lucius whispered between clenched teeth.  
  
"Father I " "Silence!"  
  
As soon as they entered the bedroom, Lucius placed a silencing charm on the room. Draco backed against the wall.  
  
"You confess your weakness and lack of skills to my worst enemy!!!" Lucius' pale eyes bore into his son. "Take off your shirt."  
  
Draco pleadingly shook his head. "I'm sorry."  
  
Lucius took out his wand and with a whisk Draco's shirt flew off. Before he had a chance to try to reason with Lucius, the silver tipped serpent staff had cut into his shoulder drawing blood. Draco fell to his knees. Lucius had never hit him with the top of his staff before. Five more blows fell across his back until he lifted his tear stained face up at Lucius. A look of satisfaction crossed his father's face. He went over picked up the shirt he had stripped him off and calmly wiped the blood and skin from serpent's head.  
  
"I expect you to be out there in five minutes. Don't disappoint me again." He left the room, as Draco's collapsed sobbing flat on the floor.  
  
He awoke suddenly and abruptly sat up. With an expression of complete horror he came face to face with Professor McGonagalls' concerned expression.  
  
Minerva regarded Draco. He looked at her with complete shock registering on his face. Tears were sliding down his cheeks, his hair was mussed over his eyes and his breathing was panicked.  
  
"What happened?" she asked softly.  
  
He shook his head and trembled violently.  
  
She sat on the bed beside him. "It's all right Mr. Malfoy, you don't have to tell me. Just calm down, you've obviously had an upsetting dream." She slid her arm around his trembling shoulders and pulled him close, he stayed tense. She rambled about how it must be a night about nightmares as she rested her chin against his forehead until he stopped shaking and his breathing became calmer. "Everything is fine now, you are safe here at Hogwarts." Gently she wiped the tears off his face and got him to lie down again. Exhausted he closed his eyes and fell asleep.  
  
Minerva sat back wondering what had happened tonight. Both had obviously had disturbing nightmares. It wasn't even a full moon or anything. Harry's bad dreams were expected after all the blows life had dealt him but Draco Malfoy, the spoiled prince of Slytherin, that was not expected. She smiled grimly remembering something Dumbledore had once told her, 'never assume anything about the students.' She would need to tell Severus about this boy also tomorrow. 


	17. Snape's responsibilities

A/N Kangaroo---mmmm the virtual cookies were great and not even fattening! Thanks to all of you for the encouragement I will keep updating but alas some chapters of course will be more exciting than others. Sneak peak next chapter, Snape talks to Draco, Harry experiences a moment of happiness.  
  
Chapter 17 - Snape's responsibilities  
  
Both Harry and Draco awoke the next morning feeling far from well. Harry remembering his vivid dream wanted to go see if Ron and Hermione were ok for himself but Madam Pomfrey threatened to cast a spell that would tie him to the bed.  
  
Draco mortified that McGonagall had witnessed his nightmare wanted to go back to his room and reminded Madam Pomfrey that she had said he could today.  
  
"I know what I said but that was before both of you kept poor Professor McGonagall awake half the night with your nightmares. Mr. Malfoy I need to consult Professor Snape before I make any decisions."  
  
"You had a nightmare?" Harry asked looking at Draco with curiosity.  
  
"It wasn't a nightmare Potter, just a stupid dream!" Draco responded with hostility.  
  
"About what?"  
  
"None of your business! Why don't you just go back to worrying about the mudblood and weasel!" He angrily shouted at Harry.  
  
"Draco! If you want to leave the hospital wing today I suggest you behave and calm yourself!" Came Snape's response as he entered the wing.  
  
Harry cringed inwardly, why did Snape have to keep coming in. He much preferred Professor McGonagall.  
  
"Severus, there you are, might I have a word with you?" Professor McGonagall entered the room  
  
"I was just going to check on Potter's condition." Snape turned frowning.  
  
"This is important." Minerva stood expectantly.  
  
"Very well."  
  
"Outside."  
  
Looking even more puzzled, Snape followed Minerva through the door.  
  
"Something's happened last night that you need to know about. Potter had a nightmare. He dreamt that Hermione and Ron had been killed by Voldemort. He was extremely upset but I assured him that I had just left Griffindor tower and that they were both fine. It's obvious that the dreamless sleep potion overdose has started to wear off. One other thing about Potter, Weasley has told me that he had been having nightmares before all this happened."  
  
"I had hoped there would be more time. He hasn't recovered from the accident yet, he's not well enough for what has to be done."  
  
"What are talking about Severus? Maybe I can help?"  
  
Snape's dark eyes glittered as he regarded her thoughtfully. "Perhaps you can. Do you think you can get Potter to open up? To talk about Sirius' death, his parent's death, life with the muggles, Cedric's death all the bad things and all the guilt?"  
  
Minerva shook her head. " Potter has never confided in me about any of these things. He's kept everything inside." She frowned. "However I am willing to try and talk to him."  
  
"Please do, I can't teach him occlumency especially not until he's feeling better and most definitely not until he has come to terms with the past."  
  
"Severus, I think you might be the one that needs to draw him out. I think it is well known that you are not one of his favourite professors and therefore there is no emotional connection that may serve as a barrier."  
  
"That may be so but because he dislikes me so intensely he fights me with everything he's got to not show any thing that he perceives as weakness."  
  
Minerva nodded. "I'll see what I can do. However we need to lighten the punishment you have served on him. A month's detention with you is acceptable with me however the only joy that boy has these days is playing Quidditch, I will not let you take that away from him!" Her thin face took on a very stern look as she dared him to challenge her.  
  
"He won't be able to play Quidditch for at least a week anyway, so I propose adding an extra week on to that." Severus stated raising a brow. "I think that is more than fair considering he took out Slytherin's seeker."  
  
Minerva nodded again. "That is acceptable to me."  
  
Snape then made for the door again.  
  
"Severus I'm not done with you yet."  
  
He frowned. "Now what?"  
  
"I think you need to be aware that Mr. Malfoy also had a nightmare last night."  
  
Snape immediately returned to her side. "Draco? What was it about?"  
  
"I don't know, he was too upset to tell me, but Severus I was very worried about him. When he awoke he was almost in a panic, it took awhile to calm him down and return his breathing to normal."  
  
"When he had the nightmare did he say anything?"  
  
Minerva grew thoughtful for a moment. "I believe he said 'I'm sorry'. He was in quite a state when he awoke, tears were running down his face and he was shaking. He was rather shocked that I was there."  
  
Snape closed his eyes for a moment.  
  
"Severus? Do you know what that was about?"  
  
He nodded. "Unfortunately I likely do. I will handle it."  
  
As soon as he reentered the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey cornered him. "Mr. Malfoy is carrying on that he doesn't want to spend an extra day in here. I told him you as head of his house would have the final say."  
  
"Thank you Madam Pomfrey, how is his physical condition?"  
  
"He is almost healed. His shoulder will be a bit stiff and he still needs plenty of bed rest. The dizziness and the headache are gone."  
  
"That's good news. Draco, before I make a decision I want you to join me for a stroll around the hallways. Do you think you can manage that?"  
  
Draco smiled and put on his robe. He followed Snape out the door with a gloating smile at Harry.  
  
Once they were out Harry asked Madam Pomfrey when he also might be allowed out.  
  
"Patience Potter. You aren't going anywhere until the potion completely wears off and you can keep a couple of solid meals in you without the help of Professor Snape's tea. You have a long way to go if you only drink half a cup of broth for dinner."  
  
Harry's impatience rose. "I can't get better if I'm confined here all the time."  
  
"Whining Potter will not get you anywhere." Came Madam Pomfrey's sharp reply.  
  
Harry glared at Madam Pomfrey. "I was hardly whining just stating the facts."  
  
Professor McGonagall entered the room and sat down beside Harry. "Potter the potion overdose is slowly wearing off otherwise you wouldn't have had that nightmare last night. Since you are not yet skilled in occlumency this situation leaves you very vulnerable to Voldemort's possession. It places not only yourself but the entire school at risk. I have just had a discussion with Professor Snape. He thinks it is vital for you to discuss all the events in your past and try to come to terms with them so you won't be so vulnerable to the legilimens spell. I have volunteered to help if you will let me."  
  
Harry fear clenching his heart vehemently shook his head. "No, I, I 'm sorry Professor McGonagall I can't it won't help, there's nothing to talk about." "Ok calm down Potter, it was just a suggestion." Minerva looked at the dark haired boy in front of her, turning paler by the minute, his green eyes almost pleading for her to understand his desperation for keeping those thoughts hidden. Severus certainly had his hands full.  
  
"Can't you teach me occlumency?" He pleaded.  
  
She smiled at him softly. "Potter you need the best instructor and that happens to be Professor Snape. You need to give him a chance."  
  
With an annoyed sigh, Harry carefully lay back down.  
  
"I do have one good bit of news for you. You will only be banned for two weeks from playing Quidditch however you will serve a months detention with Professor Snape."  
  
As much as his heart lifted at being able to play Quidditch again, it fell when he realized he would be spending every detention for a full month with Snape. 


	18. a spot of unheeded anger

A/N I have to agree this fan fic stuff really is addictive. Writing and reading it. I'm hooked on a couple of stories also. Some of you wondered how I keep updating so quickly. Well a year ago I wrote a 40,000 word young adult fiction in a month (no it's not published but I'm hopeful that some publisher will someday want it) and from having done that I somehow programmed myself to be able to write a certain amount each day. So I plan the plot as I fall asleep the night before and then type it up the next night. However it's not always easy, some chapters definitely come easier than others. (. Angel 174: I'll try but I will guarantee at least 4 new chapters a week. Cutie: thanks for the personal message, I appreciate it. Gaia-Moore, Lighted Eagle and well everyone, bows humbly while blushing, Such enthusiasm, love to hear that you are enjoying it---thanks so much. Nana-Hedwig: re: what has to be done. LOL sorry another one of those instances where the answer was in my head. Actually what I meant was breaking through Harry's barriers to get him to deal wit his pain so he effectively can learn occlumency. Everyone who asked or wonders: Draco and Harry will not be each others confidantes, at least not for a long while, a tentative friendship may start to form, you are seeing the tiny beginnings of it. Snape will be the one that helps Harry break through those barriers out of necessity. Sneak peak next chapter, Harry apologizes to Draco and explains.  
  
Chapter 18 - a spot of unheeded anger  
  
"Harry?"  
  
He sleepily opened his eyes to find Hermione and Ron by his bedside. A huge grin formed on his face as he sat up too quickly gasping at the pain in his ribs.  
  
"Are you ok, should I get Madam Pomfrey?" Hermione asked with a worried expression.  
  
"No, no , I'm fine." Came Harry's breathless voice. He leant over throwing his arms around her. She carefully wrapped her arms around him. "I'm so glad you two are ok."  
  
Ron smiled. "Professor McGonagall said you had had a bad dream about us and that we could come and visit you."  
  
"I'm so glad you did." Harry said gratefully smiling at Ron.  
  
Ron reached over and gave him a quick hug too. Harry still didn't look much better, he was still quite pale and dark shadows were evident under his eyes.  
  
Hermione sat on the edge of the bed. "What exactly did you dream?"  
  
He looked away looking uncomfortable.  
  
"Come on mate, please tell us?"  
  
Harry, heart racing, responded slowly. "I dreamt that Voldemort put the avada kedavra curse on you." He looked at Hermione. "and Ron you fell through the veil."  
  
"Oh Harry." Hermione's eyes filled with tears and she embraced him again. "It's ok, we're both fine. You just substituted us for Cedric and Sirius.  
  
She whispered.  
  
Harry shook his head. "You're my friends, Voldemort knows that he'll go after you, this could all happen." His voice broke at the end. "Harry, it's a chance we are willing to take. Voldemort can't be allowed to win, if he does we all die, so we'll take the chance to live or die trying." Ron smiled then added. "My bets on you winning."  
  
Harry couldn't help smiling at Ron's words. "I'll do my best not to let you down."  
  
Ron smiled and hopped up on the other side of the bed.  
  
Snape walked slowly keeping a close eye on Draco. He seemed to be able to move with less pain than yesterday although he looked still looked rather pale.  
  
"So can I go back to my room?" He asked with a hopeful look in his gray blue eyes.  
  
Snape didn't answer as he had a question of his own. "Professor McGonagall told me you had a nightmare last night, what happened?" He asked softly.  
  
Draco's eyes grew wide and his step faltered. Snape stopped.  
  
Draco's heart started beating rapidly. "I don't know, it was just a stupid dream."  
  
"Lucius?" Came Snape's determined voice.  
  
"Um, no I don't remember." Draco answered evasively.  
  
"Don't lie to me." Snape said in a gentle tone. He put his hands lightly on Draco's shoulders and turned the boy to face him. Draco looked everywhere but at him.  
  
"Draco?" Snape's voice was patient.  
  
His eyes reluctantly lifted to meet Snape's. "I don't want to relive it." He said softly.  
  
"Talking about it may help to keep the dream from reoccurring."  
  
Draco took a deep breath. Snape could feel his shoulders tensing. "It's ok, just go slow."  
  
In a monotone voice, Draco described the scene at Christmas up to the point when Lucius ordered him to his room.  
  
Draco's voice became more strained and his breaths came quicker. "I had embarrassed him in front of his enemy. I should have just walked away when he started prying. I shouldn't"  
  
"Draco" Snape cut him off. "It wasn't your fault, don't even think of making excuses for Lucius. What happened next."  
  
"He put a silencing charm on the room, he hit me with his staff." Draco barely whispered. "The end with the serpent. Then he left insisting I be back out there in a moment. When I was finally able to get up I gulped down the painkiller you had given me just in case? I, I didn't have anything to stop the bleeding so I put on a black shirt so no one would see it."  
  
Snape's heart twisted as he silently wished every dark curse that existed on Lucius Malfoy's head. "Why didn't you come to me or at least tell me after the holidays?"  
  
Draco shrugged.  
  
"I want you to stay in the hospital wing for one more night."  
  
Draco looked at him alarmed. "No I'm all right now. I want to go back to my own room."  
  
"As head of your house, it's my decision to make. In the hospital wing you can be monitored. I want to make sure you get good nights sleep. If you have a nightmare in the Slytherin tower you won't tell me but I'm charge of the hospital wing tonight so I'll know."  
  
Draco's eyes narrowed in anger. "I wish I hadn't told you."  
  
"It wouldn't have made a difference. It was obvious your nightmare was about Lucius. This is for your own good, you're going to have to trust me." Snape's dark eyes bore into Draco's pale ones. Draco was too angry to answer. He hadn't wanted to talk about the nightmare but Snape had coerced him and now he wouldn't even let him out of the hospital wing. He felt betrayed.  
  
He turned away from Snape and went back into the hospital wing slamming the door loudly behind him. He looked up to meet the started gazes of Potty, Weasel and the Mudblood, who were all on the bed.  
  
"Potty, you should keep your pets off the bed until they're housebroken." He sneered, narrowing his eyes.  
  
"If you don't like it Malfoy why don't you leave or will you miss me too much?" Harry replied sarcastically.  
  
"Right, I'd miss your crying waking me at night!" He responded maliciously.  
  
Harry froze for a moment as Ron and Hermione both turned to look at him.  
  
"Yeah that's right Mudblood and Weasel, he was having nightmares about you both being killed, boo hoo." He faked wiping away a tear.  
  
Harry couldn't take it anymore; an incredible anger welled up in him. "Well at least I'm not the one crying my eyes out on Snape's shoulder!"  
  
Draco went as white as the sheets on his bed.  
  
Hermione and Ron looked at each other then at Draco then at Harry. "What?" They both asked simultaneously.  
  
Harry swallowed heavily. "Nothing, I was just angry, I didn't mean anything by it." He glanced at Malfoy who looked like a wall of ice water had just hit him. He hated Malfoy for his evilness but he hadn't consciously blurted that out. He felt horribly guilty, especially when Malfoy shakily climbed under the covers and turned away from them. Whatever had happened in Snape's office that day, it had obviously been upsetting for him and he had just made him relive it.  
  
Ron and Hermione were still staring at him confused, so he quickly changed the subject. "So the good news is that I can play Quidditch again in two weeks, but I have a month worth of detentions with Snape." Draco couldn't stop the shivers that coursed through his body. He wrapped the covers around himself. How did Potter know about that day? Humiliation washed over him. How much did Potter know? His heart raced wildly.  
  
"All right children, visiting time is over, out with you." Madam Pomfrey entered shooing out Hermione and Ron.  
  
"Well see you again tomorrow Harry." Hermione hugged him again.  
  
"Glad that you'll be out on the Quidditch field again." Ron smiled.  
  
Harry felt a bit better looking at the two of them.  
  
"Mr. Malfoy, are you having a relapse, you're not looking too good." Madam Pomfrey put her hand on his forehead.  
  
"No I'm ok, just tired." He quietly responded.  
  
She felt his pulse. "Your heart is racing like mad. Does your shoulder hurt? What about your head?"  
  
He shook his head. "I was up walking around, ask Professor Snape. I'm fine."  
  
She nodded. "He said you were but he wants you to spend one more night here just to make sure. I'm worried about your heartbeat; you're not having a panic attack are you? Try to take some deep breaths."  
  
He did hoping that by doing so she would leave him alone.  
  
"That's a little better, keep doing that. Must have been a little too much activity. I'm going to have to tell Professor Snape not to exhaust you like that again. Try and get some rest."  
  
She left him and went over to Potter.  
  
"Harry, I'm glad you were able to eat most of the bowl of porridge this morning and all of the broth for lunch. If you keep going like that you will be able to leave here ahead of schedule.  
  
Harry smiled with relief. 


	19. differences

A/N Your feedback keeps these chapters flowing, but I do have to say I need a break tomorrow so there won't be a new one up till Friday (humblest apologies). For all of you Draco lovers (Steph keep those comforting hugs ready he's really going to be hurtin') and those of you who find yourself surprised to be feeling sorry for him, just wait there will be a major (well actually two if things go to plan) heart wrenching scene (s) coming up in chapters ahead (not for the next few though). One thing you will notice is that I'm isolating him a bit from Snape, it will lead to a horribly bad decision on Draco's part yet really show his vulnerability. You will also notice that Harry is getting a bit stronger and there is a tiny bit of respect building between him and Snape. Note to Droxy: thank you so much for your wonderful words and for reviewing. Lighted Eagle and everyone, who submits lengthy reviews, I love reading about the things you like, it's inspiring. Xikum (I hope I'm spelling that right I'm going on memory): hope you like the empathy that Dumbledore suggests and the fact that Draco did finally come to the realization that his nastiness comes with a price. Bubblyfizz03; thanks for all the reviews and your wonderful comments and yes I know Draco means Dragon, the little fire spitting dragon that on occasion unwittingly bites himself in the tail. To everyone and I mean everyone thanks for the continued encouragement, it works to feed this writer, nothing works better than instant gratification. Sneak peak next chapter: Draco FINALLY gets out of the ward, leaving Snape to have a quiet chat with Harry about detention, occlumency and such.  
  
Chapter 19- differences  
  
Once Madam Pomfrey left the room, the silence enveloped Harry like a cloak. He was still furious with Malfoy for bringing up his reaction to the nightmare in front of Hermione and Ron. He had been so nasty if only he hadn't been, Harry would have kept his temper in check. He sighed, but that was the difference between him and Malfoy. He felt horribly guilty for what he had said while Malfoy had just sneered and laughed when he told Ron and Hermione.  
  
A new surge of anger welled up in him. He glanced over at Malfoy. He was lying on his side facing away from him and aside from what he had said to Madam Pomfrey, he hadn't uttered a sound. Madam Pomfrey from what he overhead seemed to think he was having a panic attack. Harry closed his eyes for a minute. He didn't know why Malfoy was crying that day but Malfoy was obviously freaked out by his knowing about it. He cringed wondering what Snape would do when he found out that he had lost his temper and blurted it out after all.  
  
As angry as he was at Malfoy he couldn't help thinking about what had put him here in the hospital wing in the first place. It was his fault he was trapped here; it was his fault that he had been hurt. He got up very gingerly, the only time he had been on his feet was whenever he headed for the washroom and even that was with help down the long hallway. He gripped the side of the bed as he slowly made his way over to Malfoy. One arm wrapped around his still aching ribs. He bridged the gap between the two beds and slowly sat down in the chair by Malfoy's bed. Malfoy's eyes were shut. "Malfoy?"  
  
The gray blue eyes opened and narrowed when he saw him. "What are you doing here!" He snarled at him.  
  
"I wanted to talk about what I said before." Harry explained quietly.  
  
Draco's heartbeat started to race again but his outward demeanor was cool and disinterested as he sat up.  
  
"I don't care what you have to say, no one will believe you anyway." He challenged. Harry smiled grimly. He expected Malfoy to react with hostility.  
  
"So you mean if I were to stand in the great hall and announce to everyone what I saw you wouldn't care?"  
  
A flash of fear reflected in Malfoy's eyes. Before he could respond, Harry continued.  
  
"I know you couldn't care less about this but it was a horrible thing when Cedric died in front of me. Then I lost my godfather." Harry stopped for a moment; the pain of that moment was still so raw it was hard to finish the sentence. "I started having nightmares. I went into Snape's office one day and stole dreamless sleep potion, you happened to be there. I was only there that one minute. I never told anyone. But today when you were so nasty about my nightmare I lost my temper. I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to say anything."  
  
A door softly closed.  
  
"If you think I'm going to accept an apology from you, you can forget it! And don't even think that I regret what I said!" Draco shouted at him.  
  
Harry took a deep breath.  
  
"Just leave me alone Potter." Draco shouted again.  
  
Anger flashed through Harry's eyes. "Can't you just for once stop being the arrogant conceited soulless Malfoy that you usually are! Do you always have to be replica of your father?"  
  
Draco leapt off the bed and rushed at Harry, knocking him and the chair over.  
  
Before he could hit Potter his arm was grabbed and he was roughly pulled back and thrown on the bed. He was breathing hard overwhelmed by anger but he froze when he looked into Professor Snape's furious gaze. "DO NOT MOVE!"  
  
He watched as Snape gently bent down and helped Potter up.  
  
Harry winced holding his ribs. For a second, Draco was glad that he had hurt him.  
  
"Come on Potter, you shouldn't have been out of your bed in the first place." Snape said curtly but he gently helped Harry back into bed.  
  
Harry bit his lip as the waves of pain from his ribs washed over him. When Malfoy had run at him and the chair had tipped over his ribs had made contact with the hard wooden armrests. A groan escaped him when Snape helped him lay back down on the bed.  
  
"Take a few slow breaths, the pain will lesson in a moment." Snape spoke calmly.  
  
Draco felt like he couldn't breath. He knew Professor Snape used to hate Potter yet here he was taking care of him. Now he'd likely punish him for hurting precious Potter, he couldn't stand it anymore. He grabbed his robe and tore out of the room as fast as he could.  
  
"Draco, get back here!" Snape yelled after him.  
  
"No, Professor Snape." Harry gasped. "I'm sorry."  
  
"What exactly are you sorry about? I heard you apologize when I was coming in? What happened in here?" Snape's tone took on a demanding tone.  
  
Harry related what Draco had said to him when he had come back from his discussion with Snape, he explained how angry it made him to be humiliated once again this time in front of Ron and Hermione. Then dropping his gaze to the bedspread he confessed to what he had blurted out and Malfoy's reaction.  
  
"I really didn't mean to say that, it just came out of my mouth." He cautiously looked up into Snape's angry expression.  
  
"You promised me you would never use that against him." He spat.  
  
"I didn't or I didn't mean to but he was so nasty. I can't always be the nice guy that just takes everything, subconsciously I guess I just wanted to shut him up for a minute. I'm sorry."  
  
Snape took a deep breath then sighed. "I know Draco can try anyone's patience sometimes but there are reasons" He shook his head and stopped mid sentence.  
  
"What kind of reasons?" Harry asked.  
  
"Never mind Potter. It happened and now we have to deal with it." He stated firmly, then reluctantly added. "At least you apologized without being forced too and" He hesitated. "Thank you for telling me what you did."  
  
Harry nodded. Just then Madam Pomfrey entered with dinner.  
  
Breathing raggedly, Draco collapsed near the library in an isolated dark alcove. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them. He had never felt so utterly alone. Why couldn't he have just accepted Potters apology? Potter after all had accepted his. Why did he goad Potter in the first place? If he hadn't he wouldn't have lost his temper. Why was his life so screwed up? Why couldn't he have just stayed calm and in control. Like your father? Came the little voice inside. "No" he whispered realizing that he had almost acted like his father. He shivered in misery.  
  
A warm hand suddenly covered his own. Startled Draco looked up into the light blue eyes of Professor Dumbledore who regarded him with deep concern. Draco had been so absorbed in his own thoughts he hadn't even noticed that Dumbledore had sat down beside him.  
  
Dumbledore smiled at him softly. "You don't have to tell me what happened but I want you to know that if you ever need me you are welcome to come to my office, the password is butterbeer." He looked at him intently. " I want you to know Draco that no matter what you may feel, you are never alone here at Hogwarts."  
  
Draco bit his lip; it was almost as if Dumbledore knew what he had been thinking. He nodded then overwhelmed by the caring look in Dumbledore's eyes, his head dropped to his knees again.  
  
Dumbledore squeezed his hand. "Draco, pain can be lightened when it is shared but in order to do that you must learn to start showing some empathy to those around you. Think about what I'm saying."  
  
He heard Dumbledore get to his feet. "Now I think it's time for you to get back to the hospital wing for a bite of supper."  
  
Reluctantly he got to his feet and followed the headmaster back. He trembled as they reached the door dreading Professor Snape's reaction and Potters gloating. Just as a wave of grayness threatened to overwhelm him, Professor Dumbledore's arm dropped lightly on his shoulders, he heard him whisper softly near his ear "remember empathy". As they entered he felt warm and protected. He glanced over at Potter, he was sitting up eating a sandwich. Snape was standing by his bed glaring at him. Dumbledore lifted up his hand, "Severus, Draco needs a good nights rest, nothing more upsetting tonight." Snape nodded, a part of him was furious with Draco for his actions but the other part of him understood that all the bottled up hurt and anger needed to go somewhere.  
  
"I'm going to go the hall to get a bite to eat, I expect you both to stay in your beds if I find out otherwise you will spending detention with Filch. Do I make myself clear?" He glared at both of them. He received two nods in return.  
  
Dumbledore went over to Harry's bed, and smiled warmly at him. In a quiet whisper that no one but Harry could hear he said. "Have patience, sometimes there's light in unexpected places." He then turned around and joined Snape in leaving the room.  
  
Draco reached for a sandwich on his tray. He glanced over at Potter but he was ignoring him. He swallowed. Then in a quiet voice, "Sorry".  
  
Potter looked up at him, his green eyes wide. He was silent for a minute then. "Ok". They both went back to eating their sandwiches. 


	20. A Time To Talk

A/N; SORRY SORRY SORRY, I know I said I'd update yesterday but the opportunity to go out for Thai food came up and well it was soooo YUM! I got back too late and was just too tired. Thank you for all those juicy and encouraging reviews---made me feel REALLY guilty. Love you all! Nana Hedwig-so sorry to keep you waiting. I promise another one tomorrow- thanks for the frequent reviews, much appreciated Gaia-moore-patience my sweet, Draco/harry will find out about each other but not for awhile yet-just little tidbits. Lighted Eagle : THANK YOU I love those lengthy reviews (and your humour!) helps me to know what's working, thanks for the link; it's a great site and funny how Draco's name seems to fit. BubbleFizz---awwww so glad you like it and I lOVE the lengthy review. Keep those hugs handy cause the boys are going to be needing them (poor things). Droxy-there will be more Loki-in fact he'll be comforting Draco at some point. Loki was created in memory of my own wonderful black kitty that had to say goodbye to this year and still miss dreadfully. LOL I know I've got Lucius extremely dark-part of that is how he booted Dobby around so cruelly and part is inspiration from the cut scene from the 2nd movie (it can be seen in extra scenes on the dvd version)---you can just see the total fear in Draco's eyes when Lucius smashed the staff near him and through fear totally controls his every move. And part of it came from my wanting to kill the character the actor who plays Lucius, played in the The Patriot, I spent the whole movie wanting him disemboweled, beheaded etc etc. I'm usually a peace lover so Lol the actor who plays Lucius is very good.  
  
Sneak peak tomorrow's chapter; Snape and Harry talk some more. Draco receives something that upsets him, he goes down to sit by the lake---hmmm who should be the one to try to talk and comfort him? Snape/Harry/Hermione are YOUR choices to choose from, the most votes from previous reviewers wins.  
  
Chapter 20 - a time to talk  
  
Snape sat in a chair near the door at the entrance of the hospital wing. It was late and both Harry and Draco were sleeping. It had been remarkably quiet when he returned from dinner.  
  
Draco was still sulking for having to spend another night in the ward. He barely spoke to him and it was obvious he was angry. Perhaps he had made a mistake keeping Draco in here, if he had let him go the scene with Potter would never have happened and he would have been blissfully ignorant that Potter had been in his office that day. Draco had obviously been embarrassed by it but perhaps after some time Potter's apology would sink in and he would realize that his secret was safe.  
  
He frowned slightly looking at Potter. Sometimes it amazed him how much he was like Lily, he obviously had a temper at times but also surprising amounts of compassion. The fact he apologized to Draco and then confessed to him that he had told Draco made him see Potter in a different light. He was still furious with him for having lied about talking to Lupin and for having almost killed himself by stealing potions from his office. It would be interesting to see how Potter handled the explanations for that.  
  
He looked back over at Draco. He would need to keep a close eye on him. The last thing he wanted was for him to start thinking again about becoming a death eater. His worry over Draco kept him from falling asleep. He got up and settled in the chair beside his bed. The old chair creaked and Draco sleepily opened his eyes. "Shhh, I didn't mean to wake you."  
  
He looked surprised to see him sitting in the chair by his bed. "What are you doing here?" Draco whispered.  
  
"Just wanted to make sure you didn't have any more nightmares."  
  
Draco shook his head.  
  
"You can go back to your room in the morning."  
  
Draco fell back asleep with a soft smile on his face.  
  
Snape also finally fell asleep. Draco woke early the following morning to find Snape asleep in the chair next to Harry's bed. He sneered in their direction. Saint Potter had everyone at his beck and call, even Snape apparently. He quietly got up and dressed. Snape had said he could go back to his room today but he wanted to go just in case Snape changed his mind during the night.  
  
He went into the Slytherin common room, stretched out on the sofa and stared into the flames.  
  
When Snape woke up he frowned to discover that Draco had already left. He knew he needed to reconnect with him. Dumbledore had stopped by during the night when the boys were sleeping. He indicated that Draco was feeling very isolated.  
  
Harry moaned in his sleep when he tried to turn on his side. Snape knew his ribs were bothering him a lot. His eyes opened sleepily and he jumped slightly when he looked up to find Snape regarding him.  
  
"Good Morning Potter. How are you feeling?"  
  
"Ok, I guess." He gingerly reached over to the nightstand and grabbed his glasses.  
  
"I need to take some blood from you to ensure the potion is completely out of your system. Once that is proven Madam Pomfrey can heal your ribs."  
  
Potter's green eyes widened, he grew paler and he shook his head. "No, I had that nightmare I couldn't have had that if it was still in me."  
  
"There could still be remnants because of the large amounts you took, I need to make sure." Snape said drawing out the needle and syringe.  
  
Harry crossed his arms. His heart started racing. Snape just wanted to torture him again.  
  
Snape's eyes narrowed. Potter sat there looking at him defiantly. He'd have to try reasoning with him and if that didn't work force him.  
  
"Potter, I know you had a bad experience last time. If the potion is out of your system this won't hurt. If it hurts then I'll stop and we'll try again another day."  
  
Harry glared at Snape. He knew no matter what he did Snape would win this battle. He held out his arm, took a deep breath, stared at the wall and braced himself.  
  
Snape quickly applied pressure, inserted the needle and withdrew the blood. A slight smile formed on his face as he regarded Potter.  
  
"You can relax now." Came Snape's slightly amused voice.  
  
Harry glanced at him and realized to his surprise that he was already holding a vial of blood and it hadn't hurt at all. In his anger at Snape he hadn't even felt the needle go in.  
  
"Make sure you eat all of your breakfast. I'm going to test this and then I need to take care of a few things. After which you and I are going to talk about how all of this happened." Snape said steadily.  
  
Harry looked away; the last thing he wanted to do was talk to Snape.  
  
Snape tested the blood and discovered that only trace amounts remained. Tomorrow Potter, after Madam Pomfrey healed his ribs, would be allowed to return to the Griffindor tower. Which meant that Occlumency lessons would need to begin again. Snape grew weary just thinking about it.  
  
He went to the Great Hall for a spot of breakfast and realized that Draco was not there. After eating and drinking a couple of cups of coffee he grabbed a tray of food and went to Draco's room. He found him sitting on his bed.  
  
"You need to eat."  
  
Draco glared at him. "I'm not hungry."  
  
"If you aren't feeling well you'll need to go back to the hospital ward." Snape stated curtly.  
  
"Well then you'll have to make me because I'm not going on my own." Draco shouted.  
  
"Draco, what is going on?" Snape asked softly.  
  
He stared at the bed sheets. "Nothing, I'm just a little tired."  
  
Snape sighed. "All right, then get back into your pajamas, climb into bed, eat what I've brought you and sleep for the rest of the day. Tomorrow I expect to see you in classes."  
  
He nodded.  
  
Snape left him but as he headed back to the hospital ward he tried to think of a way to reach him. He had distanced himself again.  
  
Harry was just finishing off his glass of pumpkin juice when Snape entered and sat down in the chair beside him bed.  
  
Potter still looked much paler than normal but it was good to see him eating.  
  
"The potion is almost all gone from your blood. Tomorrow I will allow Madam Pomfrey to heal your ribs and it all goes well you can return to the Gryffindor tower shortly after."  
  
Potters face lit up with a huge smile.  
  
"Now I want to you to tell me, why you stole and overdosed on dreamless sleep potion?" Snape demanded in a cold tone.  
  
Harry smile quickly faded as he desperately ran 101 potential reasons through his head.  
  
"And may I remind you that lying is unacceptable to me. If I feel like you are only giving me lies I WILL use the Veritaserum on you." Snape stated angrily.  
  
Harry swallowed hard as he remembered that Professor Dumbledore had said he would support the use of the Veritaserum potion if he didn't tell Snape the truth. "I'm sorry I stole it from you. I kept having nightmares and also I then realized that with a few drops of it I could block you in Occlumency." Harry replied haltingly.  
  
"Why would you need to block me? I thought you and Lupin were making excellent progress?" Snape asked with a raised brow.  
  
Harry stared down feeling horribly guilty.  
  
"No, not enough to block you." Harry looked up into Snape's expectant dark eyes and with a horror the realization dawned on him. "You already know don't you?" He asked in a strained voice.  
  
Snape regarded him with narrowed eyes. "What Potter? That you and Lupin hadn't spoken at all? That you stole potion from me so you could fool me into thinking we had made wonderful progress? That you made me look like a fool going to the headmaster and telling him how wonderfully well you were doing?" He was yelling at him at this point. "Yes I know about all of your manipulations."  
  
"Sorry." Harry whispered. "It wasn't meant to be like that."  
  
"Then why don't you tell me how it WAS MEANT TO BE?" Snape growled.  
  
Harry's heart raced under Snape's piercing scrutiny. "I couldn't talk to Lupin." He replied in a voice barely above a whisper.  
  
"So you lied to me instead? Do I have to remind you how important this is? Do you once again want to ignore everything that is important and risk the lives of your friends like you did Black's?" Snape spat out.  
  
A strangling lump formed in Harry's throat and he squeezed his eyes shut.  
  
Snape took a calming breath. He had let his anger over Potter lying and stealing from him get the best of him again. Dumbledore's accusation of being too harsh echoed through his head.  
  
"Sirius' death might have been prevented if you and I worked together better. I for one do not want to feel partially responsible again, as I'm sure you don't. I think you need to reconsider working with Lupin or perhaps McGonagall?" Snape suggested his voice taking on a gentler tone.  
  
Harry shook his head.  
  
"Why not?" Impatience crept back into Snape's voice.  
  
Harry hoarsely responded. "Because he's the last of my dad's good friends, I don't want him to see me it would be like my dad"  
  
His voice trailed off.  
  
A surge of pity went through Snape. He realized Potter wanted to present that brave façade to the last of his dad's friends. To show all the turmoil he was going through to Lupin would be like letting his dad down somehow.  
  
"What about Professor McGonagall?"  
  
Harry vehemently shook his head. "She's my head of house. I can't."  
  
"I know you don't like me very much and you obviously don't trust me but I can promise you whatever happens it will only go as far as the headmaster."  
  
Harry shook his head.  
  
"Potter unless you can come up with someone else, I'm afraid you haven't got much choice. Get some more rest today, visit with your friends, the rest of the Gryffindors have been clamoring to get in here. Think about what I'm saying. I have to go teach class, we'll talk again tomorrow morning." He looked at Potter again but his head was down and he was once more looking rather pale. 


	21. Fear and Joy

A/N yikes now I have to say SORRY again, this chapter obviously does not match up to my sneak peak so last chapters sneak peak will actually be the sneak peak for chapter 22. Sorry but I started writing and this one just happened. I am half way through the next chapter before I started writing I added up all the votes and Hermione came out on top, however now it appears Harry had squeaked ahead, BUT since I had started writing already and was half way through it will be Hermione that goes to Draco. Sorry to those who wanted Harry, it was very very close. Don't worry however it's not an earth shattering scene and Draco still doesn't reveal his secrets it just helps to show him that even mudbloods can care plus it will lead to something else. So Harry and Snape will talk again NEXT chapter (grins-I promise). Thank you to all for those wonderful reviews, lighted eagle: you make me smile as always, as do many of you with all those wonderful comments. I love the ENTHUSIASM, it really motivates me. Griffingoalie, thanks and anytime you find the time to review it will be appreciated ( Denise: I loved your review, you are absolutely right and some of his feelings over Dumbledore will be explored during his talks with Snape (you know once he slowly gets him to open up, this will happen in the next number of chapters). Harry knows deep down Dumbledore cares for him deeply but it's like any relationship sometimes the trust gets questioned as do the conditions. Note to Janet: Um now Janet how do you know Lucius is going to show up? (shakes head wondering if I need to take Occlumency lessons with Snape cause you've gotten into my head?) But you only got it ½ right cause it won't happen at hogwarts (grins mischievously) you'll find out where in chapter 22. Ok I'll shut up now and let you get to the story.  
  
Chapter 21 - Fear and Joy 'He wound his way into Dumbledore's office. The door was open, Fawkes gave a piercing cry but before the Phoenix could attack he reared up behind the startled Dumbledore and sank his teeth deep into the frail neck. The old wizard sank off the chair onto the floor in a pool of blood, he saw with an incredible gleam of satisfaction the light leave Dumbledore's light blue eyes.'  
  
Harry woke up with a yell, his scar searing. He clasped both hands over it feeling horribly ill. He could faintly hear Professor McGonagall's voice. "Potter, what's happening, is it your ribs?"  
  
He threw up over the side of the bed then gasped shivering profusely, "No, Professor Dumbledore, Voldemort got him" Came Harry's anguished whisper.  
  
"Hush Potter, Professor Dumbledore is well." Minerva stated.  
  
"No please go look, please".  
  
She shook her head, "Calm down." Then she left for a moment and Harry shakily put on his robe and glasses. He was still so angry with the headmaster for not having told him the truth. If he had known he would never have been fooled into go into the Ministry of Magic and Sirius would still be alive. He knew Dumbledore felt badly and he knew Dumbledore cared for him but his anger and his mistrust were still there. But the thought that Dumbledore was dead tore a hole through his chest. He had always treated him with kindness. Unwelcome tears welled up and threatened to spill. He breathed deeply trying to get the horrible feeling that he usually associated with Sirius' death under control.  
  
"Potter get back into bed. Professor Snape is going to check."  
  
She pushed him back down on the pillows. "Was this like last time, when you saw Mr. Weasley being attacked?"  
  
Harry nodded miserably his heart racing. The horrible vision of Dumbledore lying on the floor staring sightlessly just like Cedric made it hard to breathe. Harry closed his eyes, his hand going to his scar. Professor McGonagall patted his shoulder.  
  
Snape came into the hospital wing at a clipped pace. He was wearing a black robe over what looked like a gray nightshirt.  
  
"The headmaster is just fine. Potter was this like last time?" Snape asked urgently.  
  
A huge flood of relief washed over Harry. "I think so. Are you sure he's ok? It was so real like with Mr. Weasley."  
  
"I assure you he's fine albeit worried about you. Here take a sip of the tea." Snape held up a vial contained the tea that he had specially brewed for him from ingredients from the forbidden forest.  
  
Harry drank some and immediately felt his stomach settle down but the pain in his head still made the room spin.  
  
Potter had looked so devastated when he first entered. Snape realized that he was afraid of losing yet another person that cared about him. A pang of sympathy washed over him. He gently applied a cloth soaked with incentia cooling balm to Potter's forehead. He looked up to see Minerva with a slightly amused smile on her face; he quickly sat back and gave Minerva an annoyed glare.  
  
Harry lay back with his eyes closed trying to clear his thoughts. The cooling balm soothed the pain in his head. The dream had been so real, he wished he could have seen for himself that Dumbledore was ok. He felt a hand on his forehead softly stroking is hair. He opened his eyes and found himself looking into Dumbledore's very much alive blue eyes.  
  
"Harry, are you ok now?"  
  
"Yes, I had a nightmare and" his breathing became more rapid.  
  
"Calm down, I know it was very upsetting for you but I need for you to tell me what exactly you dreamt."  
  
Harry nodded and slowly relived the horrible dream; he was shaking again as he got to the end.  
  
Dumbledore smiled softly. "I do not think that Voldemort was in your head this time. As you can see I am fine. I think your own fears prompted this nightmare."  
  
"But my scar hurt and it usually only does this when I have a connection with Voldemort." Harry so wanted to believe Dumbledore's words but the pain he had felt was like before.  
  
"Headmaster, if I may answer that question. Potter when you and I worked on Occlumency your scar hurt because you were relieving things that had happened and that were painful to you. I agree with the headmaster, I think your presence fears combined with events in the past to produce this particular nightmare." Harry took a deep breath feeling slightly better.  
  
"Now I want you to go back to sleep, try to clear your mind and not think about anything." Dumbledore softly.  
  
Harry nodded glancing up at Snape.  
  
Snape looked at him with worry in his eyes. "We'll work on preventing things like this happening in the future."  
  
Professor McGonagall patted his arm again. "Sleep well Potter."  
  
Harry awoke the next morning feeling well rested despite the horrible dream from the night before.  
  
Madam Pomfrey brought him breakfast. He wasn't very hungry but he knew if he wanted to get out of the wing he better eat everything on the tray. He forced it down. Snape came in, he dark eyes flickering over his tray. "Good to see you eating Potter." He went over to Madam Pomfrey and the two of them had a quiet conversation.  
  
"Well Potter, against my better judgement, Professor Snape thinks you are well enough to leave the wing today. I would have liked to wait another day but apparently I'm being overruled. So let's get your shirt off and heal your ribs."  
  
Harry glanced up at Snape. He still didn't like him and he certainly didn't trust him but he was starting to understand that Snape was trying to help him. He reluctantly mouthed a "thank you". Snape curtly nodded his head.  
  
"All right Potter let me check those ribs." Her hands expertly fingered down his rib cage, while Harry bit his lip whenever she came across one that caused a stab of pain. "They are starting to heal well on their own but this potion will help speed up the process. In 24 hours you won't even feel a twinge." She helped him sit up and gave him a glass of potion that almost made him gag.  
  
"Ugh, why do these healing potions always have to taste so horrible." He asked grimacing from the bitter taste.  
  
Madam Pomfrey in her no nonsense approach sternly replied. "If they tasted like honey they wouldn't be very effective."  
  
Snape sat down beside Harry. He pulled a bottle out from under his robe. "I promised you once the overdose wore off I'd heal your arm." He stretched out Harry's bruised arm the one he had originally taken the blood from and smeared a cream that smelled like it had come from deep in a spruce forest. As it spread over his skin it created a warm soothing sensation and the residual pain he had felt disappeared.  
  
Harry lay back enjoying the feeling of being pain free for the first time in many days. "Potter, I have brought you some clothes, I assume you'll be able to dress yourself?" Professor McGonagall asked.  
  
Harry's eyes flew open. "Yes, of course." He sat up as Madam Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall stepped back and Snape pulled the curtains around him to allow him some privacy.  
  
"I have a class to teach, Minerva I'm assuming you will help Potter up to his room?" Snape inquired.  
  
"Actually I have already arranged an escort for Mr. Potter." She smiled as Hermione and Ron entered with beaming smiles.  
  
Harry, now fully dressed stepped out from behind the curtains to be enveloped in a huge hug by Hermione and Ron. "We missed you dreadfully." Hermione smiled up at him.  
  
"We're not the only ones." Ron smiled broadly with a twinkle in his eyes.  
  
"I missed you both too, I'm so glad to be getting out of here." Harry smiled.  
  
"Potter, keep in mind you haven't been doing much moving about. Walk slowly you are likely to experience some dizziness until you get your strength back." Madam Pomfrey ordered.  
  
"I insist that for today you stay in bed." Came Professor McGonagall's stern order.  
  
Harry agreed to everything. He was just so happy to finally be feeling better and walking around. They slowly made it up the stairs with Ron and Hermione chatting with him the whole time. "I'm so glad you're going to be able to go to the Halloween party."  
  
Harry smiled. "I wouldn't miss that."  
  
They entered the Gryffindor common room and Harry's heart jumped when suddenly people jumped up from behind the chairs and sofa's yelling surprise. Balloons floated up to the ceiling and his fellow Gryffindors hugged him "Welcome back!" Harry smiled gratefully over at Ron and Hermione, he knew that they had thrown this together very quickly. After a half-hour they helped him get into bed. Hermione surrounded him with books and all the homework he had missed while Ron emptied a bag of candy and chocolate on the bed. "In case you get hungry." He grinned broadly.  
  
"We have to get to potions or Snape will give us detention."  
  
Harry nodded gratefully. "Thanks so much for doing this."  
  
Hermione hugged him again. "You know we all love you." She whispered in his ear.  
  
Harry lay back in bed feeling happier than he had in a long long time. 


	22. FOG

A/N: (Grinning broadly) LOVE LOVE LOVE the reviews! It's like dangling chocolate in front of me. Keep them coming! It's so wonderful to hear that you are enjoying this, keeps the muse dancing! Nefertiri Riddle: thank you and yes a deatheater will surface in awhile and you'll hear of some others later. Romm: There will be a very emotional confrontation between Harry and Draco down the road after someone they both care about hovers near death. Kangaroo-stay tuned to special Halloween episode-it will be fun and happy. Lighted Eagle: What can I say-you make me laugh so much (cough cough, choking on reference to being hailed as a god all the while blushing profusely) Corgi: well you were right, Snape just put him back in (smiles) Snapefan51: ahem at some point you'll be seeing err reading more of Snape and he won't even be wearing a nightshirt (winks) Musiclover: Awww I love you, thank you so much for the extremely flattering review.  
  
Special note to all of you who wanted Harry to find Draco, I am sorry I had added up reviews before I started writing and Hermione won. After I was ½ way through I saw new reviews and Harry won but it was too late. However don't worry all the mistrust, tension and mystery between them will explode down the road. Draco has just been too rotten through books 1-5. I just can't change him over night for my little story; he has to do some soul searching first. Hope you all enjoy the Draco and Hermione scenes though. Sneak Peak for Chapter 23: more Draco and Hermione, a scene is misunderstood by observers, Harry is in a panic.  
  
Chapter 22 - FOG  
  
Draco went into Potions class with Crabbe and Goyle by his side. Pansy kept fussing over him and he found her terribly irritating. He sat down, his heart racing and his stomach in turmoil. At breakfast this morning the mail had come and a letter had fallen into his lap. He recognized the writing immediately. It was from his father. He had tucked it under his cloak. A part of him just wanted to shred it without ever even looking at it but the other part wondered what his father would be writing to him about. He resolved to find a quiet place after class to read it.  
  
It was mid morning when Harry woke up. He hadn't planned on falling asleep but the combination of having the nightmare last night and finally being back in his own bed made sleep irresistible.  
  
He got up, hesitating for a moment as a wave of dizziness overwhelmed him. It passed quickly and he made his way over to the window. A heavy layer of fog had rolled in. He loved the fog, especially lately. The summer had been so sunny and the pain of losing Sirius was even worse when everyone was enjoying the warmth and the brightness. He rested his head against the wall when he suddenly noticed some movement below. He frowned when he recognized Malfoy heading across the lawn down to the lake. What was he doing? There was something up with him, something almost desperate. Harry's instincts told him something was wrong.  
  
"Harry, what are you doing out of bed? Professor McGonagall would be really angry if she walked in." Hermione scolded.  
  
"I'm ok I just wanted to look out of the window at the fog." He kept looking out watching Malfoy slowly disappear into the drifting clouds of gray.  
  
"Do you know why Malfoy would be out in the fog?"  
  
"What?" Hermione looked out of the window and just caught a brief glimpse of Malfoy before he disappeared from sight. "He really shouldn't be out there. He's not fully recovered yet. I mean he's always been pale but he looked positively white in potions today."  
  
"Was he his usually nasty self?"  
  
"Actually I doubt he barely even said a word to anyone."  
  
She looked at Harry who seemed to be staring out into the fog looking rather concerned. "Something is up with him."  
  
"Harry, two days ago when we were in the wing, you said something about Malfoy crying on Snape's shoulder. Did that really happen?"  
  
Harry looked at her wide-eyed. She could tell he was really uncomfortable. He opened his mouth to say something then closed it again, staring at the wall. "I can't talk about that. Sorry I promised."  
  
"Do you want me to follow him to make sure he's ok?"  
  
Harry frowned. "No, he could be meeting with Lucius."  
  
"Look Harry you obviously know more than I do about Malfoy. If you think something is wrong I can go and check. I'll be careful and I have my wand with me just in case." Hermione stated confidently.  
  
"It's not that I care what happens to Malfoy, it's just I feel guilty for causing the accident and for saying what I did."  
  
Hermione smiled at him warmly. "Don't worry, I'll make sure he's all right and I will likely get my head bitten off for it."  
  
Harry smiled at her. "Thanks but be really careful. You don't know who could be out there."  
  
"I'm on Hogwarts grounds, I'm pretty safe."  
  
Harry watched as Hermione walked through the fog into the direction that Malfoy took.  
  
The fog was incredibly thick casting everything into a white oblivion. It suited Draco's mood as went to sit under one of the trees by the lake. With shaking hands, he opened the envelope.  
  
Dear Draco, As you have no doubt heard by now, I have escaped from Azkaban. My time there gave me opportunity to think about things. Especially you. I have been busy in service to the dark lord. I have much to share with you. Come to Hogsmeade on your next outing and meet me behind the Leaky Cauldron in late afternoon. I have missed you son. Your father  
  
A strange feeling coursed through Draco. What did he mean when he said he had thought about him and even missed him? Had his time in Azkaban really changed him? A flutter of hope entered his heart.  
  
He read and reread the letter. Snape had said that he would never be the father that he wanted but what if he was wrong. A chill coursed through him as he remembered all the times when his father was angry with him. He closed his eyes tightly remembering all the times he could hardly move after his father was displeased with him. He read the line "I have missed you son" again. What if all he missed was bringing him to his knees, being the stronger one, hurting him. Tears fell down his face. What was he going to do? He sat there while his heart raced and a cold chill settled over him.  
  
"Malfoy?"  
  
He looked up in shock to see the mudblood standing in front of him. He scrambled to his feet dropping the letter in his haste to wipe his face. A soft breeze picked up the letter depositing it at Hermione's feet.  
  
A look of panic crossed Malfoy's face as she picked it up. "Give me that." He said shakily.  
  
She frowned at him.  
  
He pulled out his wand. "Give it to me now." He shouted hoarsely.  
  
She quietly stepped closer to him and handed him the piece of paper. His hand shook as he snatched it from her.  
  
Harry was right, there was something very wrong with Malfoy. He was shaking and she had seen the tears on his face before he hastily wiped them away. He was practically in a panic when she had picked up what looked like a letter. He was still pointing his wand at her. His eyes wide with suspicion.  
  
"What are you doing here?" He asked breathing hard.  
  
"I like the fog, I came for a walk. Are you going to keep pointing the wand at me?" She kept her voice calm.  
  
He hesitated then put it inside his robe.  
  
"You really shouldn't be outside when it's this cold and damp, you just got out of the hospital wing." She stated gently.  
  
"Just mind your own business mudblood."  
  
Anger surged up in Hermione.  
  
"Go hover around Potty, after his overdose he needs his pets around him, maybe he'll let you crawl under the covers with him and" Draco never had a chance to finish because Hermione had sprang at him and slapped him across the face. He was stunned for a moment but then grabbed her arm. "You hit me once before, don't you ever do that again!"  
  
She stood furiously before him. "Maybe if your parents had taught you some manners I wouldn't have to. Maybe if you showed some empathy for other people's feelings more people would care about you."  
  
He let go of her arm as a look of anguish crossed his face. "Just get out of here." He said quietly.  
  
"What's the matter Malfoy did I hit a nerve?" She challenged him.  
  
His eyes narrowed at her. Then with a swirl of his black cloak he turned and started walking away from her. Unbelievably the fog had thickened even more. Hermione stomped up the hill back to Hogwarts. She was furious with him, she wanted nothing more than to slap him again.  
  
Suddenly she heard a cry and a soft curse. She peered through the fog and saw Malfoy on the ground. She stopped. "What's the matter Malfoy, falling over your own feet?"  
  
"Shut up Granger!" Came the pained reply. He got to his feet after tripping over a tree root, only to fall again a second later when he tried to put weight on his twisted ankle.  
  
"As enjoyable as it would be to watch you crawl back to school, I'll help you this one time because it's getting colder." Hermione moved towards him.  
  
"Don't bother I'd rather crawl!" He shouted at her getting up again and angrily taking a step. With a groan he fell to his knees and stayed down panting from the pain that shot up his leg.  
  
"Malfoy, stop being such an idiot!" She angrily reached down and grabbed his arm. He grudgingly let her help him to his feet and put his hand on her shoulder.  
  
Hermione hesitated, staring worriedly into the fog.  
  
"It's this way Granger." Draco pointed to the right impatiently.  
  
"I'm not sure."  
  
"Well I am. Are we just going to stand here for the rest of the day." Draco snarled.  
  
"You better be right." They slowly walked with Draco limping badly and wincing every so often.  
  
Suddenly they found themselves in front of Hagrid's cabin. Hermione glared at him. "Well done!"  
  
Draco couldn't stop the shiver that coursed through him. He was cold and his ankle throbbed and he felt sick. He didn't want to go any further but he certainly didn't want to spend time with Hagrid.  
  
Hermione looked at the tall, blond boy beside her. He looked positively miserable. "Come on." She tugged at him to head towards Hagrid's door. He went reluctantly. She knocked on the door but there was no answer. "Hagrid?" She sighed loudly. "Great he's not home." Malfoy remained silent and she could feel him shiver again. She turned the door handle and found it unlocked. "Fang?" She called out cautiously but the large drooly dog wasn't there either.  
  
She dropped Malfoy off on the sofa and got the fire going so the small house would warm up. Malfoy sat on the sofa staring off into space with such a torturous look she felt a pang of pity for him.  
  
She grabbed a blanket and put it around his shoulders, he looked up at her startled as if he had completely forgotten that she was there. Her hand rested on his shoulder for a moment. "What's wrong." She asked him softly.  
  
For a moment his gray blue eyes looked at her with such overwhelming sadness that she almost wanted to hug him but then it was replaced by a sneer. "I'm trapped here with a mudblood, what do you think is wrong."  
  
She stood before him clenching her fists.  
  
"What are going to do, hit me again? Do you think your little slap is going to hurt me?" He challenged her his gray blue eyes defiant.  
  
Hermione's dark eyes bore into him. "No but something obviously has, tell me Malfoy why were you outside crying in the fog?"  
  
Harry stared out the window anxiously waiting for Hermione to return.  
  
"Potter, what are you doing out of bed? Sitting by a cold window isn't going to speed up your recovery."  
  
Harry jumped startled to hear Snape's voice. He had forgotten Snape was coming to hear his decision.  
  
"I was just looking at the fog."  
  
"Are you done." Snape's eyes bore into him.  
  
"Yes." Harry got up and slowly got back in the bed.  
  
"Have you made a decision? Who are you going to talk to?"  
  
"There isn't anyone I want to talk to. I don't need to talk to anyone. It won't change anything." Harry responded frustration evident in his tone.  
  
"No it won't change the past, it won't bring Sirius back or Cedric, but it might change the future and prevent more of those you care about from losing their lives." Snape said quietly.  
  
"It doesn't matter what I do, Voldemort already knows who is close to me, Kreacher ensured that. Everyone who I am close to is in danger." Harry's voice grew louder.  
  
"So it's better to just push everyone away, keep everything inside yourself, not let anyone in?" Snape pushed.  
  
Harry glared at him, then angrily looked past him at the wall. "There's no- one."  
  
Snape got up abruptly. "I expect you in my office tomorrow at 6:30pm for detention. If there's no one you want to talk to then it will have to be someone you don't want to talk to." Snape looked at him angrily. "Don't be late."  
  
Harry stared after him with a sinking feeling in his stomach. 


	23. the iceblock

A/N Aaargh you all are INSATIABLE and I love it although you are killing me. Once again I am overwhelmed by the reviews, I do a more detailed and proper thank you in the next chapter. I'm taking a break tomorrow tonight to mull over the next chapter, the torture sessions err I mean the conversations between Harry and Snape, and the Halloween episode and well do a few other things I've been neglecting. Just want to explain that there will be no romance in this story (unless of course the characters in this story force me into writing one---but I'm going to fight them) and although there may be some unexplored feelings surfacing and a bit of a fascination building, they will develop into a friendship tentatively. As for this scene some of you might think it's unlikely for Hermione and Draco to ever become friends but I was fascinated yet mystified by Draco's reaction to Hermione's slap in book 3 as I was by his behaviour at the beginning of book 4, when albeit in his nasty insulting manner he basically warned her about the death eaters coming for muggles and mudbloods, basically a 'you better get out of sight' but then again maybe I'm just reading between the lines too much that they all become blurry and jumbled and say what I want them to. Ok I confess I made a blunder in my last chapter and funny thing is I woke up early this morning and it hit me.the leaky cauldron is in diagon alley not hogsmeade.ooops, I'll have to got back and fix that at some point. I've named this chapter in honour of Corgil, whose message totally cracked me up "Hand Hermione an ice pick she's going to need it." ."  
  
Chapter 23 - the iceblock  
  
Draco felt a surge of momentary hatred for the girl standing in front of him. How dare she try to goad him into telling her anything. "Not that it's any of your business Granger but I had something in my eye."  
  
She raised an eyebrow at him. "You're lying and you're hiding something." She challenged him quietly.  
  
"Just shut up mudblood." He yelled and leapt to his feet. His ankle gave out and with a hiss of pain he fell to his knees.  
  
Hermione stepped back watching him for a moment. He was so arrogant and cruel and he made her so angry. Breathing hard, he closed his eyes tightly and shakily got up on his good leg turning to collapse on the sofa again. He lay back still panting.  
  
She went over to a bucket of water and with a spell turned it to ice. She grabbed an ice pick that she found thrown in amongst the dishes and proceeded to pick away at the ice, secretly wishing she could pick away at Malfoy the same way. She wrapped the ice in a cloth and brought it over to the sofa. He lay there quietly with his arm flung across his eyes.  
  
She started to untie his shoelace, when he sat up with a gasp. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Putting ice on your ankle unless of course you want to stay here indefinitely." She said matter of factly, daring him to stop her.  
  
His eyes glared at her. "Just be." He hesitated.  
  
"Gentle?" She smiled sweetly. "Don't worry I won't hurt you."  
  
"Just be careful, I don't want your mudblood hands all over me."  
  
"Unless you want my mudblood hand connecting to your pureblood face again, I'd shut up if I were you!" Her eyes flashed.  
  
For a split second his anger abated and he had to suppress the urge to smile. She certainly was a feisty little mudblood. "ooooo I'm scared." He smirked. Her hand came up but he easily caught it, as she knew he would.  
  
He narrowed his eyes then let go of her. He leant against the back of the sofa as he watched her take of his shoe and sock. He couldn't suppress the groan when she first applied the ice to his swollen ankle.  
  
"You'll need to go to the hospital wing when we get back. Madam Pomfrey will be able to heal this quickly."  
  
"No! Thanks to Potter I've spent more than enough time there." He said angrily.  
  
"So you'd rather walk around in pain, that's not very smart."  
  
His gray blue eyes turned icy. "Well I guess we can't all be as smart as you Granger." He lay back down, ignoring her.  
  
Hermione propped some pillows up under his foot and left the ice resting on his ankle. She got up and went over to the window. The fog was so heavy now she couldn't see a foot past the window. Harry would be so worried about her. She had to get back.  
  
Draco sat up again. He could see that the fog had gotten even thicker. Snape would be furious if he knew what had happened. He was finally starting to get a little warmer; he didn't relish the prospect of having to go out into the dampness again. With the blanket wrapped around him he put his good foot down and gingerly tested his bad ankle. The ice had helped numb the pain somewhat. With one hand gripping the sofa he propped himself up and took a step.  
  
A stabbing pain shot up his leg, he yelped as his ankle twisted again. Hermione got to him just in time to catch his arm and push him back on the sofa. She lost her balance and fell against him. His arms went around her gently. Hermione froze for a moment. Draco froze, for a split second he wanted nothing more than to have her or anyone's arms around him telling him everything would be ok. He shivered involuntarily. Hermione felt the shiver. Later when she thought about it she didn't know what made her do it. She wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. His head dropped to her shoulder and he stayed still for a moment, his breathing ragged from the pain still shooting up his leg.  
  
The door opened. "Hermione?"  
  
Malfoy pushed her away so fast she almost fell off the sofa. They both looked at the door to find Hagrid, Crabbe and Goyle standing there.  
  
"I've been out check'n on the pumpkins fer Halloween. And I found these two looking for Malfoy."  
  
"Well you found him, I was out for a walk in the fog and he had fallen and hurt his ankle. We got lost on the way back and ended up here. I just tripped and accidentally fell on the sofa." The words came out of Hermione's mouth in a fast gush and she was almost breathless at the end.  
  
Hagrid raised his bushy eyebrows. Crabbe and Goyle stared at Malfoy. Draco put on his most arrogant sneer. "What are two looking at, help me up and back to the castle." He would be sure to tell them how much he detested the time he had had to spend with the mudblood.  
  
He looked back at her one more time just before they headed out the door. It was an odd look, one she was not used to seeing on his face. There was no sneer or coldness or arrogance. For a brief moment the thought crossed Hermione's mind that Malfoy was always so nasty to her and Ron and Harry because he was jealous of their friendship. She almost laughed out loud at that absurd thought yet despite all his nastiness there had been something different about him.  
  
Hagrid and Fang brought her back to the castle. She thanked him and he patted her shoulder. "Say Hi to boys for me."  
  
She tore up the stairs breathlessly blurted out the password and headed for Harry's room. She was about to knock when the door opened and Harry stood there all dressed with his cloak on.  
  
"What are you doing you shouldn't be dressed and out of bed."  
  
He looked at her stunned and then with a big sigh of relief threw his arms around her and held her tightly. "Hermione I was so worried about you. I've been going crazy up here."  
  
"It's ok, I'm fine, we were in Hagrid's cabin."  
  
"We, you mean you and Malfoy?"  
  
She nodded, "You are right there is something going on with him but he wouldn't tell me. He twisted his ankle so I was helping him try to get back to Hogwarts but the fog was so thick and we ended up at Hagrid's cabin. He was usual nasty self, well for the most part." She paused. "Then Hagrid and  
  
"Hang on, what did you mean by for the most part?"  
  
She smiled at him. "I don't know, he just seemed really distracted at times, and he looked sad, I think. But most of the time we just fought." She smiled embarrassedly. "I'm afraid I slapped him again."  
  
Harry grinned. "Well I'm sure that put him in a good mood."  
  
She laughed. "Not exactly."  
  
She shook her head. "Enough about Malfoy, how are you feeling?"  
  
A tortured look crossed his face.  
  
"Harry?" She followed him back to the bed and sat down beside him.  
  
"I start detention with Snape tomorrow."  
  
"Oh! Well I'm sure it will be fine. He actually seemed really worried about you and the one time when Ron and I snuck in to see you, when he had actually forbidden it, he didn't give us a detention or even take off any points."  
  
Harry smiled wryly. Hermione put her arm around his shoulder. "When it's we'll be waiting for you. Don't worry."  
  
Harry stared at the wall. Hermione didn't know what Snape was going to try to make happen. 


	24. trying to help

A/N no time to talk other than to say Ooodles of THANK YOU's for all the wonderful reviews, they are APPRECIATED. Keep em coming.  
  
Chapter 24 - trying to help  
  
Draco hobbled towards his room with Crabbe and Goyle flanking him. He had to lean heavily on them as the pain shooting through his ankle prevented him from putting any weight on it.  
  
Suddenly Crabbe and Goyle came to a halt. "Why are you stop." Draco stopped in mid sentence as he looked up to see Professor Snape standing in front of them.  
  
"What happened here?" Snape asked, his dark eyes sweeping over Draco.  
  
"I'm fine, I twisted my ankle."  
  
Snape's gaze went to Crabbe and Goyle, "You're going the wrong way, take him to the hospital wing."  
  
"No!" Draco responded angrily.  
  
A flicker of anger sparked in Snape's eyes but his voice remained calm. "Yes! Madam Pomfrey is going to look at it and heal it."  
  
Draco shook his head. "I don't want to go back there, I just got out."  
  
"It won't take long. Come on."  
  
Crabbe and Goyle dragged him along leaving Draco little room to argue.  
  
"Good heavens Mr. Malfoy, back so soon?" Madam Pomfrey looked startled.  
  
He just turned an icy glare on her.  
  
"Here put him down on this bed. What happened?"  
  
Draco full of resentment, lay back and silently stared at the ceiling.  
  
"Apparently Mr. Malfoy has sprained his ankle." Snape then looked at Crabbe and Goyle. "You two better get to class."  
  
Madam Pomfrey examined his ankle, turning it to and fro. A soft hiss of pain came from Malfoy. Snape left and returned a short while later with a glass.  
  
"Here drink this down, it will take away the pain."  
  
Draco downed it while Madam Pomfrey rubbed, as gently as she could, a healing balm on his ankle. Draco's eyelids grew very heavy and before he could register that Snape had added something to the pain remedy he fell asleep.  
  
"I added a small amount of calming potion to the pain killer. He's rather upset that I forced him to come here. He should wake up in about an hour."  
  
"Thank you Severus, I'm sure he'll be happy to be healed and the additional rest will do him good." Poppy smiled.  
  
It was almost midnight, when Snape went into the hospital wing again. He sat by Draco's bed watching him sleep. He hadn't awoken all those hours ago as expected. Snape wondered if he had given him too much potion or if Draco was just exhausted. He knew he hadn't been eating well since he got out of the wing and he just missed two meals again. Draco rolled over on his side and a small smile formed on his face. Snape smiled, at least he was dreaming something pleasant.  
  
Draco felt warm and for a second he felt like someone cared even if it was Granger. He opened his eyes but instead of being in Granger's hug he found himself in the hospital wing.  
  
"Draco?"  
  
He looked up at Professor Snape.  
  
"How are you feeling? I was worried when you didn't wake up this afternoon."  
  
Draco glanced towards the windows and realized it was dark outside. "What time is it?"  
  
"It's just after midnight now."  
  
Draco blinked, after all that sleep he still felt tired.  
  
"Are you hungry?" Snape sat down beside him.  
  
He nodded. "A bit."  
  
Snape got up and left. Draco assumed he was getting him something to eat. He sat up and cautiously flexed his ankle. It was still a little sore but no more pains came shooting up his leg.  
  
Snape came back with a tray full of sandwiches. "Thanks."  
  
"We haven't talked in awhile, is there anything you want to tell me?"  
  
Draco grabbed a couple of sandwiches. He wanted to tell him about the letter from his father but he knew Snape would talk him out of meeting with him. He hadn't decided what to do yet but he needed to make the decision alone.  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"Eat up and then get some more sleep. Your ankle should be almost back to normal; you'll likely still limp a bit for another day. Draco, remember you can come to me if there is anything you want to talk about anytime."  
  
Draco nodded. He knew Snape cared about him but he saw how he was with Saint Potter when he was sick. As usual he came in second to Saint Potter. After Snape left he crept under the warm covers again and fell asleep shortly after.  
  
The next time he awoke, he was startled to find Granger sitting by the bed.  
  
"What are you doing in my room!" He sat up quickly.  
  
She laughed. "I know you've spent some time here lately but since when is the hospital wing your room?  
  
He looked around realizing she was right. He had forgotten he was here. He glared at her. "What do you want?"  
  
"Nothing from you. I just wondered how your ankle was and when you weren't at breakfast I figured you were here."  
  
"My ankle is fine." Then with a sneer, "Don't tell me you came because you were worried."  
  
She frowned at him for a moment, then with a slight shrug of her shoulders responded. "Apparently I was, someone must have slipped some insanity potion into my pumpkin juice." With that she got up and walked away, leaving Draco looking after her with a puzzled expression.  
  
The day flew by quickly, Harry attended only about half of his classes due to Madam Pomfrey's strict orders. He was well rested by the time 6:30 came around. With a heavy heart he knocked on Snape's door.  
  
"Come in Potter." Came Snape's voice.  
  
He walked in and came to a halt in front of Snape.  
  
"Potter stop looking like a lamb about to be slaughtered. You are here for detention. I want you to scrub out all those vials over there on the table and after you are done with that start sweeping between the tables."  
  
Snape went and sat behind his desk and began working on some papers.  
  
Harry stood there stunned for a moment.  
  
"Potter? Are you waiting for mold to grow?" Snape asked with a raised eyebrow.  
  
Harry shook his head and went over to the vials. He worked for about 30 minutes when Snape spoke again.  
  
"You are doing a very thorough job, do you have to help with the cleaning at your aunt's house?"  
  
Harry snorted, "Yes, they give me endless chores. Since they don't want me there they pretty much use me as their hired help."  
  
"So you don't have a close relationship with them?"  
  
Harry laughed. "They would be thrilled if Voldemort" He stopped and corrected himself. "if he who should not be named, killed me."  
  
"Perhaps she's not good at showing it but don't you think your aunt has some feelings for you? You are after all her only nephew and she raised you."  
  
Harry shook his head. "She doesn't love me."  
  
"How do you know?" Came Snapes soft reply.  
  
"Because I ended up having to spend the first 11 years of my life in the broom closet under the stairs. Does that sound like love." He responded bitterly. The conversation had started so slowly and so innocently that Harry hadn't consciously realized that Snape had tricked him into talking.  
  
"What about your uncle and your cousin?"  
  
Harry just glared at him resentfully.  
  
"Potter, please tell me about them." Snape's request came politely but with a quiet dangerous tone.  
  
"Why should I? I'm supposed to talk about things I'd rather not talk about while you and Dumbledore get to keep huge secrets from me and they are secrets that are about me." Harry yelled at Snape, his breathing speeding up and his hands shaking.  
  
"The headmaster has told you everything. There are no more secrets."  
  
Harry laughed bitterly again, "I'm supposed to believe that after what I learned last year? I can't trust anyone."  
  
Potter was visibly paling and getting upset. "Calm down. Take a deep breath." Snape waited till he did. "We better stop here for tonight but you have to realize that there are many people you can trust. If you had come to me after your nightmare about the dark lord torturing your godfather I would have helped. You may not like me but you can trust me."  
  
Harry didn't say anything. His green eyes eyes still blazing in anger.  
  
Snape knew that getting Potter to open up was going to be difficult considering the extremes he went through to avoid occlumency. He wasn't about to spill all his feelings to anyone, especially himself. He needed to build the trust slowly. It would be as hard for Potter as it was for him.  
  
He added softly, "Before you go to sleep tonight, I want you to clear your thoughts. Relax and take deep breaths. Don't lie in bed thinking about things. Block it all out. Make your mind go blank."  
  
Potter nodded and then left. Leaving Snape wondering if this would ever work. 


	25. SoMeThInG wIcKeD

A/N hee hee hee (insert evil laugh) my lovely witches, here is the special Halloween episode, enjoy! (Cackles gleefully even though she is a vampire and keeps biting herself with her snazzy set of fangs.) Happy "All Hallows Eve" Sneak peak Chapter 26, Harry and Snape celebrate Samhain, it's majorly angsty for both look for it on the weekend cause tomorrow I'll be busy 'feeding' mmmm juicy necks, send reviews and send blood.  
  
Chapter 25 - SoMeThInG wIcKeD  
  
"Here comes the circus now to steal your life away Catch unwary children at their play Disturb what was a peaceful island of calm A storm is coming on the horizon The traveller begs for you for his words to heed To fear the evil thing that he proceeds Recurring evil in the autumn times of sin A mad collection of broken men Thunder ripping out across the sky Draw the lightning out of my mind By the prickling of my thumbs Something wicked this way comes The house of mirrors is your place of play Ten thousand faces driving you insane A carnival of hate now crawling through your mind A gripping fear that leaves you paralyzed Thunder ripping out across the sky Draw the lightning out of my mind By the prickling of my thumbs Something wicked this way comes" Credit: Nuclear Assault - Something Wicked and of course Shakespeare's Macbeth.  
  
Hermione's long shimmering gown swished down the stairs as she made her way to the great hall. Peeves and Nearly Headless Nick swept past her, reveling in their favourite celebration of the year. The great hall was done up with magical spell that made the ceiling appear to be lit by a huge orange full moon, Towering trees cast spooky shadows and bats screeched overhead.  
  
The hall was lit by large flickering candles and spooky music played. A dark haired handsome knight walked towards her. Despite the black mask shielding his face she knew those striking green eyes anywhere. "Harry." She smiled at him. He shook his head. "I'm not Harry tonight."  
  
"Oh excuse me, should I just address you as the black knight."  
  
Harry smiled. "Sir Knight will do."  
  
She playfully smacked his arm.  
  
"You are supposed to be the knight in shining armor, so why are you the black knight tonight?"  
  
Harry's smile briefly disappeared. "I guess I'm rebelling tonight." He then added. "You look lovely Hermione, although I know you are not but you do look like a perfect angel."  
  
"Thanks Harry."  
  
"Um Hi Hermione, you look nice." Ron stumbled. He was dressed in brown and wore a mask to resemble a spider and had 4 more additional arms and legs dangling off him.  
  
"Of all the things you could have been why are you a spider?"  
  
He laughed. "To try and confront my fears."  
  
An unearthly scream shattered the air as fog swirled at their feet. "Wwwwhat was that?" Neville asked. Neville was dressed in blue as a large Cornish pixie.  
  
"Nothing to worry about, it's just the banshee that was hired for tonight. She's up there in the tree." Explained Luna, she was dressed as a genie.  
  
They looked up to see the luminous figure with long black hair swirling around her white pale face. She peered down at all the revelers as if looking for the one whom death stalked.  
  
Harry looked around and shuddered slightly when he saw Snape. Snape as usual was dressed in black. He had a long cloak around him and his face had a paling charm, his skin had a deathly pallor and on his neck where two bloody puncture wounds. He smiled at Professor McGonagall and Harry saw two long sharp gleaming fangs.  
  
"Doesn't Professor McGonagall look great?" Asked Ginny who was disguised as emerald green mermaid? Professor McGonagall wore a silver gown and her hair hung down past her waist, she was obviously an enchantress.  
  
Suddenly a cloud passed over the moon and the candles blew out. The banshee screamed again and a voice that everyone recognized as Dumbledore's spoke. "The cloud will move from the moon in five minutes, during that time chocolate bats will fly rapidly around you. Those who catch the most bats will win the enchanted goblin cup; it will automatically refill with steaming mugs of hot chocolate with marshmallows whenever you so desire. Good luck."  
  
Pandemonium broke out as everyone tried to catch the tiny chocolate bats. Once the five minutes were over the winner turned out to be Seamus who immediately drank a rich creamy hot chocolate from his steaming goblin cup.  
  
A werewolf then howled long and sorrowfully. Professor Lupin came into view holding a candle; he was disguised as a werewolf. Since it wasn't really a full moon, Harry and the others knew that it was just a disguise and no one had anything to fear. "Somewhere in this room you will find a magical pumpkin, it will wear many faces and when it becomes a pirate it will contain a magical eyeball. If you hold it in your hand it will look at the person you are to dance with, leading off the first dance of this spooky night and award the two winners a big mug of warm butterbeer and free supply of one butterbeer per weekend for the rest of the school year.  
  
The 'sticky webs group' started singing while the students scrambled to find the magical pumpkin. As Hermione searched her halo fell off and bent down to pick it up, she saw something orange gleaming in a hollow of the towering oak tree. She made her way over to it and picked up the magical pumpkin. It's faces changed while the 'sticky webs" sang when she saw the evil face of a pirate she opened it and took out the slippery eyeball. Professor Lupin's voice echoed across the hall again. "Congratulations Ms. Granger, enjoy your dance and your butterbeers." The eyeball spun and landed on a lean figure in black wearing a hood and a black mask.  
  
She squinted but whoever it was sank back further in the hood. He carried a scythe in his hand and Hermione laughed. "I'm the good angel and you are the angel of death, light and dark, how appropriate." The dark angel didn't respond but held out his gloved hand. Hermione took it and his arm slipped around her waist as they moved across the floor. He was a fabulous dancer and Hermione was almost sad when the dance ended. Whoever he was he drank his butterbeer down quickly and then walked to the other end of the hall. It was then that Hermione realized the dark angel walked with a slight limp. Professor Snape stood in the glow of the full fake moon and flashed his fangs at the students. "This night isn't all fun and games, evil lurks in our midst, pull out your wands and ready yourselves for the flying gargoyle who will try and grab you and fly off with you. The first who can immobilize him and lock him into this gilded cage will win a bottle of polyjuice potion. Those who lose and end up flying with the gargoyle." Snape stopped for a moment to smile evilly and lick his fangs. "Will become my midnight snack." He waved his wand in the air and the golden gargoyle flew through the air with a raucous shriek.  
  
The second Snape stepped down the banshee gave the worst bloodcurdling cry of the night and pointed her long boney finger at him.  
  
Snape underneath the paling potion turned deadly white, as he looked up startled at the frightening specter.  
  
Draco's heart did a painful jump. Banshees predicted death. He shivered at the onset of a sudden chill.  
  
Across the room Hermione gasped. "Did you see that, the banshee pointed at Professor Snape?"  
  
"Oh don't worry Hermione, everything about this evening has been staged." Ron stated.  
  
"I hope you are right." She replied with a frown.  
  
They took off in search of the golden gargoyle and much to everyone's surprise; Neville shouted "immobulus" at the gargoyle and pointed his wand.  
  
Harry almost laughed when he saw the look on Snape's face. He was positively stunned.  
  
Snape managed to clear his throat and mutter "Congratulations Mr. Longbottom, here is your potion. Be careful what you use it for."  
  
Neville beamed.  
  
The music started to play again.  
  
"I love this song, do you want to dance." Hermione asked Ron, who blushed. "Um, yah, ok."  
  
They made their way out to the floor.  
  
Harry danced with Luna but he couldn't get the banshee out of his head. A touch of fear entered his heart as he glanced at Snape. What if Hermione was right? What if the banshee predicted death and Snape was the next one? What if it happened because he was helping him? He shivered slightly. 


	26. SAMHAIN

First and foremost: Snape intrigues me. I love writing him; I would NEVER kill him. So Snape lovers relax (wow there are so many of you) I didn't mean to scare you even though it was Halloween err BOO, ok so maybe it was fun. However you must all also keep in mind the banshee did serve a purpose- and the chapter was called 'SoMeThInG wIcKed' stay tuned down the road. The screech and finger pointing at Snape was not staged. (grins mischievously)  
  
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR THE WONDERFUL REVIEWS, keep em coming (you've got me to a point now where I feel guilty if I don't write a new chapter) and yummm the blood was great, I'm satiated till next Halloween.  
  
Emily-no yelling at the banshee, Lee Lee-no throwing empty goblets at the banshee, behave both of you cause Banshees make for bad enemies(  
  
Pam: LOL no I'm not JKR but then again if I were I likely wouldn't fess up. I have no idea what JKR will do with book 6 but I hope we get to see Snape develop further and not be a double spy. I want Harry to feel more love and to have someone he can really talk to. I really hope Draco shows a more human side.  
  
Andrea88: (grins) Strangely enough I don't get tired of hearing from those who like my story in fact the more I hear it the more I update and start thinking about future chapters.  
  
Skills: what can I say, I'm blushing!  
  
Gaia-moore-thanks you are sweetie. Give the writing a try, the more you write the better you get with practice. Just pick your favourite character and write a one-shot flick about them and let me know cause I'd love to read it.  
  
Watche tale neith-Hmmm a bit of yoga, great idea, thank you.  
  
Droxy-here comes Loki and yes I will be looking for another one again. I love black cats.  
  
NBM-OMG you are so right, I totally forgot about the gargoyle, I have fixed it so please reread the chapter! I must have been tired. OK when I reread it I realized I had poor Draco drinking butter BEAR instead of beer.whoops.  
  
Bubbly Fizz, I know I'm so mean to poor Draco, but he's just been such a nasty piece of work in the past I have to create reasons for it, plus of course I'm trying to elicit a bit of sympathy for him from the Draco haters. Just wait if you think I've been mean before, it will get worse.  
  
Vikki: A little sneak peak just for you of the Draco/Lucius meeting, Lucius is furious and Draco will be seriously hurt (as in life threatening). Hermione/Ron/Harry will help him as will Snape. He won't be in the hospital ward this time.  
  
Heather: Thank you and I LOVE Halloween too. Hope you had a great one.  
  
Frogfoot24: Oooodles and oodles of thank you's. I love the lengthy reviews. I have read one of your stories and and you evil evil one, you killed Snape (great story though), got me choked up (I'll read the rest of your works another time as my server died). Rest assured he won't die in this one. Love your analysis of Snape and Harry ITA. I'll get you liking Draco yet (well my version of him anyway).  
  
Supernova8610, Xikum, Nefertiri Riddle ET All who wondered: YES the limping angel of death that Hermione danced with was indeed Draco. Madam Pomfrey had healed his ankle and he was able to dance but afterwards it was a little sore again so hence he limped.  
  
Dragonlady-the veritaserum is a great idea but I want the trust to build naturally not be forced. Both harry and Snape are so vulnerable emotionally.  
  
Lighted Eagle: thanks for the prezzies, keep em coming.  
  
Kangaroo-as always you make me laugh, loved the idea of Draco wanting to be on the light side, hmmmm writer ponders some mysterious chapter down the road.  
  
Music Lover and James padfoot and arrrg sorry I can't read my writing-um whoever else it was that asked (name started with a J I think) and All others: Draco and Hermione won't have a romantic relationship, in that there won't be any kissing or sex etc. But they working towards a deep connection which could perhaps in a future story lead to more but not in this story. They will bond and Hermione will be a source of comfort to both Harry and Draco but especially Draco.  
  
Chapter 26 - Samhain (dedicated in memory of my black fuzzy boy who I always celebrated Halloween with, I miss you bud!)  
  
Harry was a grabbing a drink of butterbeer when he turned to find Snape standing beside him.  
  
"Potter, I need for you to come with me."  
  
"Why?" Harry narrowed his eyes. What did Snape want with him on Halloween?  
  
"It's important." Snape didn't elaborate just stared at him with his dark eyes.  
  
He put down his butterbeer and followed Snape out of the great hall.  
  
Snape went up to one of the alcoves and loosened a brick. He turned to Harry, grabbed his arm and then reached for something inside the brick.  
  
Harry gasped when he felt the familiar tug of a port key, when he next blinked; he froze at what lay before him.  
  
Panicked he looked at Snape. "Why did you bring me here! Why do you hate me so much!!!"  
  
"Potter, calm down." Snape said quietly.  
  
"Give me the port key, I want to go back." Harry tried to grab it from the ledge Snape had placed the small unicorn on.  
  
"Potter no, you need to be here right now." Snape put his hands on Harry's shoulders restraining him from grabbing the unicorn.  
  
"Get your hands off me." Harry pulled back and glared at Snape, anger overwhelming him.  
  
Snape realized that aside from that first shocked glance, Potter had completely avoided looking at the arch with the ragged veil.  
  
"There is a reason I brought you to the ministry of magic tonight and it's not to torture you, it's not to be cruel and it's not because I hate you." Snape quietly explained.  
  
"Why then? To try and force me to talk about . . ." His eyes went to the veil for a split second. "I won't and there is nothing you can say or do that will make me." Harry said defiantly.  
  
"This is not part of our lessons or our talks. You don't have to say a word to me. I have done this because I know how much the loss of Sirius hurts you."  
  
"Then forcing me to be here is the cruelest thing you could do." Harry yelled at him. "I want to go back to Hogwarts, NOW!"  
  
Snape took a breath to calm himself so he could continue to speak quietly.  
  
"We aren't going back until you listen to me."  
  
Harry turned and headed for the door. Snape grabbed his arms and pinned him against the wall.  
  
"Stop for a moment! Aside from being known as Halloween this night is also known as Samhain, it is special night for witches and wizards."  
  
Harry stopped struggling although anger was evident in his green eyes.  
  
" Samhain marks the end of the old year, a time when the veil between this world and the next is at it's thinnest and contact with those from the other side may be made. On this night we celebrate and honour those we have lost. I thought you might like to be here tonight."  
  
Harry swallowed heavily, "You mean I could see Sirius? My parents?" He asked hoarsely.  
  
"You won't see them in their physical form outside of the veil, they won't come to life they won't step outside the veil, but you might see shadows of them behind it. You can talk to them through it, they won't be able to talk to you but you may feel their presence."  
  
For the first time that night, Harry did more than quickly glance at the veil. He looked at it as if trying to see someone behind it. Snape released his grip on him and went over to the arch. Out of his pocket he took a small candle and lit it. He placed it on the floor in front of the veil. Harry followed him, his heart beating rapidly.  
  
He sat down on the floor near the candle. "Can I please be alone with with it." He looked up at Snape.  
  
Snape shook his head. "No I don't think that would be a good idea."  
  
Harry stared at him. "I won't go through it."  
  
Snape's eyes closed. "You almost overdosed on dreamless sleep potion, I can't take that chance, I can't trust you. I'm sorry."  
  
Harry tried again. "Please, Professor Snape."  
  
Snape stared at him for a long moment, then shook his head.  
  
"I promise I'll stay right here, I won't move. You want me to trust you but you won't trust me. Please, if Sirius or my parents show up, I want to be alone with them."  
  
Potter's voice was a desperate plea. He blinked quickly and dropped his gaze to the flickering candle. Snape knew he was fighting back the emotion creeping over him. He sighed "Against my better judgement, I'll give you a few minutes. Don't break my trust again." He added sternly.  
  
As soon as Snape left, Harry looked up at the veil. "Sirius? Mom? Dad? Are any of you there?"  
  
The ragged veil just fluttered slightly from the breeze left when Snape had shut the door. "Please if you are there, please let me see you." His voice broke. Tears started falling from the corners of his eyes. His throat closed up as he remembered Sirius falling through the veil.  
  
His heart jumped when through the glaze of tears he saw a shadowy figure. It slowly took shape and suddenly he saw Sirius. A sob caught in his throat. He took a ragged breath. "Sirius, I'm so sorry." He choked. "It was all my fault, I didn't listen to anyone. Voldemort totally fooled me and you died because of it. I didn't mean to, I just wanted to help. All I keep seeing is the look in your eyes when you fell through the veil. You shouldn't have died, it was much too soon."  
  
Sirius shook his head sadly at Harry. Harry felt him trying to reach out, to comfort him to tell him to stop blaming himself but he couldn't any more than Harry could stop all the pain. "No please don't go again." Harry choked out as the Sirius figure stepped back he was smiling warmly at Harry. "Noooooo!" The last bit of control he had disintegrated. His hands came up to cover his face as racking sobs shook his body.  
  
Snape stepped back into the room when he heard Potter's cry. He hoped what he had done wouldn't be a set back for him. Just as he was about to go over to him, Lily stepped up to the veil. His heart jumped when she looked at him smiling warmly and silently mouthed the word 'thank you'. He nodded to her before her gaze dropped to her son.  
  
Tears came unbidden to Snape's eyes and the enormous hollow ache he felt when she had died came back ten fold knocking the air out of him.  
  
Harry grew quieter. He looked up at the veil again and found himself looking into the sad eyes of his mother. "Mom?" He wished he could throw himself into her arms just once but he knew it would never happen. After a warm smile, she too then faded back. His head fell into his hands again, and he shook from head to toe.  
  
Snape had finally managed to compose himself. He went over to Potter, putting a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Come on Potter, we need to get back." He said trying to keep the emotion out of his voice. It had been sheer torture watching Lily step further back into the veil once again lost to his sight.  
  
After clearing his voice, Harry asked "Can't we stay awhile longer? I haven't seen my father yet?"  
  
Snape looked at the veil once more time. It was vacant.  
  
"No Potter, I'm sorry. He would have come with Li, er your mother if he were able. We need to go now it's late."  
  
Harry shakily got to his feet, chills were sweeping through him, and the room had grown cold in the last while. He wiped his face repeatedly; the tears wouldn't stop flowing.  
  
Snape grabbed his arm and the unicorn again.  
  
They were in the corridor of Hogwarts once more. Snape regarded Potter; he was pale and shivering. It was obvious to anyone that he had been crying. He realized he couldn't just let him be alone tonight with others who had no idea how he felt and how consumed with grief he was. "Come with me Potter." Snape took him down to his rooms. He threw some blankets and a pillow down on the sofa.  
  
Harry stood in the doorway of Snape's room. He didn't want to spend the night here but he didn't want to go to the Gryffindor dorm either where everyone would be happy after the party.  
  
"Come in. I'll let Professor McGonagall know you are here and she can assure your classmates that you are ok." He looked at Potter who looked as if he would bolt out the door at any given moment. "You don't have to talk, you don't have to do anything. You are here to rest and to try to get a good night's sleep. That's Loki by the way." He pointed at the large black furry cat that wound his way around Harry's legs. "Come on."  
  
Harry felt extremely uncomfortable being in Snape's dark rooms. He had to fight the irrational suspicion that Snape would secretly poison him in his sleep, yet he countered his suspicion with what Snape had done today. He knew it was likely only because he was acting on Dumbledore's orders. He would be safe.  
  
He lay down on the sofa and the large black cat jumped up beside him. The cat peered at him intently with its large orange eyes and started kneading his arm.  
  
Snape sat down near him. "Did I make a mistake bringing you there tonight?"  
  
"Wasn't it Dumbledore's idea." Harry asked quietly.  
  
"No, it was Professor Lupin's and mine." Snape responded curtly.  
  
Harry's eyes looked into Snape's. "Why?"  
  
"We thought you might want the chance to see them again. To know that they aren't gone forever that they are there just beyond the veil. Since you and I have been working together, I thought it would be a good idea for me to take you."  
  
Harry closed his eyes for a moment to suppress the tears that were welling up again. He would have to thank Lupin but he couldn't quite believe Snape had done this for him.  
  
Snape continued talking. "I know how raw your emotions still are. So I wasn't sure if this year was too soon. Should I have waited?"  
  
His throat tight, Harry shook his head. He had gotten to see Sirius and his mother again. He was very grateful. He wanted to thank Snape but couldn't get any words past the enormous lump in his throat. He hid his face in Loki's soft fur.  
  
"Sleep now." Came Snape's voice softly.  
  
Snape went outside sitting on the massive stone steps to calm himself. The second he had seen Lily his heart had started to race and it hadn't quieted yet. She was so beautiful. The only bit of beauty he ever had in his life. Her heart was full of compassion and forgiveness. She was the only person in his entire life he had ever confided his childhood to and she had understood. Tears welled up in his dark eyes and his hands came up to cover his face.  
  
A hand suddenly rested on his shoulder and a voice softly said, "Severus?" He hastily blinked and looked up to find Minerva standing beside him. She sat down and kept her hand on his shoulder. "It is a special night, we shouldn't be sad Severus. We should celebrate with those who are with us and those who are always near us." She smiled at him. "Would you care to join the rest of us for wee late night bite?"  
  
He took a deep breath, blinking quickly and nodded. After a short while of feasting and a lighthearted celebration with the rest of the professors, Snape returned to his rooms. Potter was fast asleep and Loki was waiting for him. When he settled down on his bed, Loki came into his arms purring loudly and nuzzled his head against his neck. Snape stroked the soft fur and went to sleep. 


	27. Draco's elf

A/N THANK YOU all of you! Keep those reviews coming, they feed my muse and it's hungry. (grrr muse's stomach growling)  
  
To all who wondered where James is, um he was doing a good deed or something somewhere, he's fine but I wouldn't let him come to the veil because I didn't want to upset Snape more than he already was. (grins and says sorry Harry)  
  
MJ: Thanks (well except for the murdering me part) Why not try writing and posting just a one chapter one about your favourite character. I'd love to read it.  
  
Narnian Princess-Draco's back-hope you enjoy him.  
  
Vikki- WOW, I think you and I want the same things in book 6! Thanks for the wonderful review. I'm writing this to cover things I would like to see in the next one but most likely won't. I'm so glad people are enjoying it.  
  
Kangaroo- (smiles) cracked the tough shell did I? Hope it didn't hurt too much. I'll check out that website.  
  
Andrea88-arrrgh yes Dumbledore would have been a good alternative. Hmmm I'm sure he'll come in handy in another chapter.  
  
Kyra Invictus Black-Don't worry there will be more. Of course I'll be a bleary eyed exhausted wreak by then. Loved that you enjoyed the 'fantasy'.  
  
Lillian & Lime- OMG you had me in stitches! I don't mind you siccing werewolves and vampires on me BUT Zombies??? Eeeeeeek-ok ok I won't kill Snape (never would have). And um-it's safe to come out of the closet now- grins mischievously and dangles a Draco/Hr scene by the closet door  
  
Bubbly Fizz03 & Droxy & Snapefan---Thanks for the wonderfully long review-I love reading them. No need to bed there will be more. I was choked up too. Snape will not be Harry's father in this story. I just kept James away for Snape's sake.  
  
Frogfoot24: Thank you so much for the wonderfully long reviews-I love them. I look forward to your new story. I'll keep you in suspense just a tad longer re: the past relationship/friendship between Lily and Snape. And NO- there will be no Snape/Hermione romance in this story, romance is very low key if any. Thanks for all the wonderful praise.  
  
Candledot- thank you thank you thank you, your words are inspiring!  
  
Amber 16-thank you so much, it was so devastating losing him. He was a priceless part of my life.  
  
Mikee: make sure those kleenex don't come from old growth forests (grins as environmentalist in me pops out) Thanks so much for the review, I actually needed a kleenex too while writing it.  
  
d.Wz Bang- I couldn't find your Halloween story-what is the name of it? I'd love to read it.  
  
Chapter 27 - Draco's elf  
  
"Where did Harry go?" Ron asked as they made their way back to Gryffindor tower.  
  
"He left with Professor Snape. Professor McGonagall said not worry, he'd be back by morning. I asked her if it had something to do with detention but she said no. That wouldn't have been fair." Hermione answered frowning. "I hope Harry is all right."  
  
"If he's with Snape, I doubt it." Scoffed Ron.  
  
"Oh I just remembered I have to do something. I'll head back to the dorm in a moment. Good night Ron, I'll see you in the morning."  
  
"Goodnight Hermione."  
  
She took a small candle out of her robe and stepped outside. This Samhain night she went down to the lake to light a candle for Calip, one of the oldest kitchen elves at Hogwarts who she learned had died this past summer. She had read that the veil between the worlds was supposed to be the thinnest this night and she wanted to light a candle so that Calip would know that someone was thinking about her. If Harry had been around she had wanted to take him with her so he could honour Sirius. Her heart ached for Harry, she knew how much he missed Sirius, she hoped wherever he went with Snape that he was all right.  
  
She sat down on the cold grass and lit her candle. The half moon reflected on the waters of the lake. She stared out at the shining glow, deep in thought.  
  
A slight rustling of leaves made her look up into the startled expression of Draco Malfoy.  
  
For a second neither spoke. Malfoy found his voice first.  
  
"What are you doing Granger, trying to summon up some spirits." Malfoy asked with a raised eyebrow.  
  
The brief irritation she had felt at being interrupted passed. "Not that you would ever understand, but I've lit a candle for one of the kitchen elves who died this past summer. Since it's Samhain I thought I could reach her and let her know that I cared." Just as she looked up at him tears came into her eyes. She quickly looked away awaiting his sneering comments.  
  
"Sorry Granger." Came Draco's soft reply much to her surprise.  
  
"Have you ever lost anyone you loved." She asked while staring at the lake.  
  
"When I was eight there was a house elf that was always really good to me and she was killed."  
  
"She was killed? How?" Hermione asked dread curling in her stomach.  
  
Draco hesitated then spoke quietly as he sat down near her. "My father killed her, she had disobeyed an order and he said it was necessary to show the other elves that disobedience was not tolerated."  
  
Hermione's eyes were wide with shock. "Why didn't you stop him?"  
  
Draco stared out at the lake "because I couldn't". He wasn't about to tell the mudblood that he had tried but his father had angrily used a belt on him that time to show his displeasure. It was the first really bad beating he had ever experienced and he learned at age eight to never disrespect his father again. From that day on, he never again interfered with the house elves. He closed his eyes remembering the elf; she had brought him special cupcakes and treats whenever he was sick or when Lucius lost his temper with him.  
  
"You mean wouldn't! Why would some small helpless being be worthy of your caring? You probably enjoyed seeing her killed." She spat at him.  
  
"Shut up Mudblood." He yelled at her. "You don't know what you are talking about. You think you are so smart you know everything. You haven't a clue what goes on in the wizard world." His pale face was flushed and Hermione was shocked to see tears of anger sparkling in his gray blue eyes. He got up quickly and started to walk away.  
  
"Malfoy stop." She called after him.  
  
Much to her surprise he did. His back was to her and his black cape swirled around him. The moon shimmered off his light hair. "Tell me what happened." She said softly.  
  
But it was too late the old Malfoy was back. He turned with an icy look in his eyes. "I already told you." He sneered at her. "And you're right I enjoyed it." He said maliciously before turning and storming out of her sight.  
  
Her eyes narrowed as she stared at the space he had just been in. Did she imagine it or had he almost been human a few moments ago. She realized she should have kept her temper in check and not accused him. He was after all just eight when it happened and couldn't have done much to stop Lucius.  
  
She stayed outside for a short while longer but an icy wind blew up so she too headed back.  
  
Unbeknownst to her, Malfoy had not headed inside but had gone instead to another part of the lake, where he sat down and stared at the same reflection of the moon on the water as Hermione had.  
  
He pulled his cloak tightly around him as the icy wind chilled him to the bone and wildly blew his blond hair. His father's letter preyed heavily on his mind. He knew what Snape had said about the death eaters was right but he also knew that Lucius Malfoy had a lot of power and a lot of influence. It was that prestige and power that Draco had wanted all his life. No one stood up to his father. He had copied and imitated him for years. After his father had killed the elf, he detached himself from the rest. He never befriended any of them again and he treated them coldly and harshly. That way if anything happened to any of them he wouldn't feel anything, he wouldn't care. But tonight the mudblood had made him remember. The horror of what his father did came flooding back, the pain in the house elf's eyes burned into his soul as did those final awful moments when his father had made him watch the light go out of her eyes as she died. He blinked back the blasted tears that kept forming. He had tried to focus on his father's words as he punished him. "You dare defy your father!!! It was just an elf!"  
  
But the tears that shimmered in Granger's eyes kept knocking the memory of his father away. What did it feel like being in her world, feeling the things she did? She honoured an elf she barely knew. He had spent years not thinking about the elf that he had known. He looked up at the stars and choked out. "I'm sorry Lypsa." Despite his best attempt to fight them off, a few tears shimmered their way down his face as he shivered in the night air.  
  
He sat outside for a long time until the cold almost made him numb. Then he headed inside and sat in front of the fire in the Slytherin common room trying to get warm again. 


	28. a step forward

A/N: author grins-laughing at cute threats to post soon-ok here you go. Look for the next one on the weekend, Harry and Snape detention/occlumency. Thanks to all of you for taking the time to review, know that you are appreciated.  
  
MJ: thanks as always, so what is your natural language if you don't mind me asking? I think its just so incredibly wild how many people form different countries are reading fanfiction. P.S. occlumency will be in the next chapter.  
  
Nefertiri Riddle: Sorry but Draco and Hermione won't have a romance however I hope you will like it as it will be a growing friendship/comfort and definitely a growing fascination between them as they become more aware of each other.  
  
Msmatty bloom: ITA, I was so upset for harry at the end of book 5, he so needed someone to hug and comfort him. You and I share the same fear that JKR will make Snape be a double spy and end up betraying Dumbledore and the rest. I hope not. I also hope that if his is good that he doesn't have to die to prove it, ie sacrifices himself to save Harry, That would be such a tragic end and so disheartening. Please go ahead and post your story, I'd love to read it as I'm sure would other Snape lovers.  
  
Mira: nope it wasn't nanorimo-it was just me testing my limits to see I could do it, sometimes my will power is super strong. Thanks for your kind words. I'm glad you like snape, he complicated and it's hard to keep that nasty edge he defaults too while slowly making him a bit kinder as trust is gained.  
  
D. Whiz Bang: um um (author desperately searched for reason) oh got one, thestrals can only be seen by those who have seen a wizard/witches death, elves don't count, yeah yeah that's it, JKR just missed explaining that part (looks about shiftily hoping JKR isn't reading this.) Smiles good catch.  
  
Chillkrote-lots of angst but sorry no romance, hey it's late and I'm rhyming yikes, just a growing friendship between Hermione and Draco and a bit of fascination with each other.  
  
Droxy: you are very observant and sensitive, love you for it. When one has to put a pet to sleep because there just isn't any more hope just pain and suffering, there is so much remorse and guilt. Lillian and Lime LOL-I'm putting my fangs back in so I can look scary and fight off those zipped vampires. Grins hungrily and licks bloody fangs.  
  
Steffi Snape-don't you worry, I wouldn't kill Draco either.  
  
Frogfoot; thank you thank you thank you, I just love your reviews. Unfortunately Lucius is going to catch up with Draco before he opens up to Hermione and special sneak peak (it will be Harry who finds out first, after an emotional outburst between the two). You are right about Lucius, but I am making him unredeemable in this story, Draco is still young and hopefully saveable.  
  
Chapter 28 - a step forward  
  
Harry awoke the next morning feeling rather embarrassed as well as tired. He had slept restlessly all night, seeing the veil over and over again. His sense of loss almost as strong as it was at the beginning yet combined with the bittersweet memory of having seen Sirius and his mom. He put his glasses on and petted Loki who had come into the room and jumped up beside him.  
  
"Potter, you better get to your dorm and get ready for breakfast."  
  
Harry nodded and hesitantly looked up at him. "Thanks for letting me stay here last night."  
  
Snape nodded his head curtly. He dark gaze flickered over him. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"Fine." Harry answered then looking at the floor added. "Thanks for taking me there last night."  
  
"You're welcome. Don't forget you have detention this afternoon."  
  
The familiar curl of dread formed in his stomach. He went to the Gryffindor dorm and changed. When he walked into the great hall everyone from Gryffindor's eyes turned to him. He headed for his seat. Before anyone could say a word he spoke up. "I'm fine, I just had to take care of something last night, everything's fine."  
  
He forced a smile on his face and everyone went back to talking about the night before. Everyone except Ron and Hermione.  
  
"What happened with Snape last night?" whispered Hermione.  
  
Harry shook his head. "It was just part of my detention." They both looked at him with disbelief. "Really I'm fine." He quickly grabbed a glass of pumpkin juice.  
  
Ron and Hermione looked at each other, they both knew he was obviously upset.  
  
After breakfast as they were heading back to the common room, Hermione saw Malfoy.  
  
"Um, I forgot to do something, I'll catch up with you both in a minute."  
  
"Sure." Harry smiled at her.  
  
She followed Malfoy and Crabbe and Goyle as they headed to the dungeons. "Malfoy can I speak with you for a minute."  
  
He turned, his gray blue eyes narrowed and the familiar sneer showed up. "Oh look boys, the mugblood wants to spend time with me."  
  
Crabbe and Goyle snickered. They kept walking while Malfoy stood still glaring at her.  
  
Hermione waited till Crabbe and Goyle were out of sight. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry for snapping at you last night. That's all."  
  
The sneer dropped and his eyes widened looking startled. She turned to walk away. "I tried to save her." His voice was quiet.  
  
She turned back to him and smiled softly. "I wondered about that, since you got so mad at me last night. You were only eight, I guess there wasn't really any way for you to stop your father."  
  
He shook his head.  
  
She added. "I'm sorry she died."  
  
A softest of smiles crossed Draco's lips. "Thanks."  
  
She turned and walked away realizing that for the first time ever she had seen Malfoy smile a genuine smile that was gained from humiliating or bullying someone.  
  
Draco turned and headed for the dungeons with the soft smile still on his lips.  
  
Harry and Ron were sitting in front of the fire talking about Quidditch when she walked in.  
  
"Hey I've got to talk to Professor McGonagall for a moment, I'll be right back." Ron leapt up from the sofa.  
  
Hermione gave him an inquiring look. He understood she was wondering if Harry had said anything. He shook his head.  
  
She sighed and sat down beside him. "Are you feeling ok? You look tired?"  
  
"I'm fine." An annoyed look crossed Harry's face.  
  
She rolled her eyes. "You always say that but you obviously aren't." She frowned at him. "I went down to the lake last night and lit a candle for Calip one of the kitchen elves that died over the summer. I was hoping you could come with me since it was Samhain and I thought you might like to light a candle for Sirius. Do you know about Samhain?"  
  
Harry suddenly stiffened and a flash of pain crossed his face. "I know about it."  
  
She sat closer to him. "What really happened last night."  
  
His heart started racing but when he looked into Hermione's warm brown eyes he relaxed. "Snape took me to the Ministry of Magic."  
  
"Oh Harry." Hermione put her arm around him.  
  
"I didn't want to be there but he told me about Samhain and the veil."  
  
Hermione saw how painful it still was for him to even mention the veil. "Did you go over to it." She asked softly.  
  
He nodded looking at his shoes. Her heart ached for him.  
  
"I saw Sirius and my mum." He said it in such a soft whisper it was barely audible.  
  
She felt tears well up in her eyes. She put her other arm around him and pulled him close. He let her; his arms came around her tightly. "Thanks Hermione. I'm really glad I got to see them but." He couldn't go on.  
  
"Shh it's ok, I know, it hurts so much because they aren't in your life. He nodded miserable.  
  
She shifted her position so his head was on her shoulder and he was stretched out beside her. She held him and stroked his hair. Her cheek resting against his forehead. Sleep overcame Harry as his eyes closed.  
  
Awhile later Ron came into the room and found them like that. At first his eyes narrowed.  
  
"Snape took him to the veil last night." Hermione whispered.  
  
Incredible sympathy entered Ron's eyes. He went over and sat close to them. "Is he ok?"  
  
"He's sad, he's exhausted. We have to help him Ron."  
  
Ron nodded looked at Harry with concern evident on his face. "If he'll let us. He keeps pushing us away."  
  
"And we have to push right back." Hermione whispered.  
  
After awhile Harry woke up, feeling very embarrassed for having fallen asleep on Hermione.  
  
"Sorry, I guess I was more tired than I thought."  
  
"Are you feeling any better?" Ron asked.  
  
Harry smiled wryly. "Yah, a bit. Thanks you two. I have to go talk to Professor Lupin."  
  
"Ok." Hermione answered as she and Ron both smiled at him.  
  
Harry went down to Lupin's office and knocked on the door. He opened and smiled. "I was wondering if I would see you today." He said gently.  
  
"I saw Sirius and my mum last night. I just wanted to say thanks, Professor Snape told me it was also your idea."  
  
"We weren't sure if it was too soon? Can you use the experience as something positive? The knowledge that those we love are never truly gone? Can you take comfort that are always near you, loving you, wanting you to be happy?"  
  
Harry's throat closed at Lupin's words and he looked away blinking rapidly.  
  
Lupin's hands rested softly on Harry's shoulders.  
  
"It's ok to grieve Harry. You need to let Professor Snape in, talk to him. He has his faults and he has a lot of old scars and wounds that make him the way he is but you know that deep down he strives for the light, no matter how much darkness haunts him. Professor Dumbledore trusts him, I trust him, Professor McGonagall trusts him, it isn't easy to earn our trust but he has."  
  
"How, why?" Harry choked out.  
  
"It's not my place to explain that but know from all of us his life is the most at risk. Will you promise me that you will give him a chance?"  
  
Harry took a deep breath and nodded. 


	29. a step backward

A/N Love and appreciate you all. Praise and critiques are equally important so thank you! This is going to be an angsty chapter, yesterday my car died, got stranded, needed towtruck, spent $500 in car repairs, car still not working. So I'm freaked out, distracted and likely won't update as frequently as usual until things get sorted out a bit but I will commit to 3 new chapters a week albeit they'll be a bit on the shorter side, sorry that's the best I can do right now. For those of you who have asked, I have no idea how long this fan fic will go. I have some future chapters mapped out but still haven't worked out an ending, so LOL it may very well go on till Christmas, hope you're still enjoying it by then.  
  
Quick answer to questions you have asked:  
  
Andreea, somewhere in the future chaps there will be a comfort scene where Dumbledore does act like Sevvie's father in comforting him, I think you will like it, you'll have to let me know. House colours are: red with a gold lion for Gryffindor, blue with a bronze eagle for ravenclaw, yellow with a black badger for hufflepuff, green with a silver serpent for slytherin.  
  
SsssroaB, Awwwww don't you worry Snape and Draco will go through a tough time ahead BUT I love what they are turning into in my story I could never kill them.  
  
Snapefan51, Snape will share a bit about himself with Harry soon in order to help him.  
  
Frogfoot, what can I say, I love love love your reviews, we think alike on many topics, I'll respond soon.  
  
Steffi Snape, of course you can use the thin veil part, just search the web under samhain and you'll read a lot about it, it's not my idea I just modified it a bit.  
  
Darkangel, Thanks it means a lot to be on readers fav list, I am honoured. There won't be romance in this story just comfort and friendship and a bit of fascination. Snape is not Harry's father in this fic. I just didn't put James in because I wanted Snape to focus on Lily.  
  
Chapter 29- A step backward  
  
Despite his conversation with Lupin, Harry regarded his upcoming detention with a sense of dread. He knew Snape would try to make him talk again. All those years of living with the Dursley's he never had anyone to talk to. Having to now share his innermost feelings and fears wasn't easy. He had just been starting to do it with Sirius, he trusted him, Sirius understood him, Sirius had loved and missed his parents too. They shared a common link. He didn't have that with Snape or anyone.  
  
He sat by the window near his bed, looking out into the brilliant sunshine. He had needed to get away from everyone. After lunch in the common room a couple of 2nd year Hufflepuffs had started singing Christmas Carols in preparation for strolling the streets of Hogsmead before Christmas. The words of the songs "heavenly sleep' and 'everlasting peace' made a huge lump form in his throat. He desperately blinked back the tears that threatened to spill out in front of everyone.  
  
After having spent the one and only Christmas with Sirius last year at Grimmauld Place the unbearable pain at never being able to spend another one with him hit hard. He took off out of the great hall as discreetly as possible and came to sit by the window hoping that the scenery would calm the painful beats of his heart.  
  
He realized after awhile that it was time for detention with Snape. He headed down to the dungeon and knocked on Snape's door.  
  
"Come in Potter." Came Snape's voice. "Have you been practicing clearing your mind before going to sleep at night?" Snape asked his dark eyes boring into him.  
  
Harry nodded.  
  
"Good, I think then we need to try occlumency again and see if you have better results." Snape stood looking at him with his arms folded.  
  
The sick feeling in Harry's stomach grew. He took a deep breath and nodded trying to desperately clear his mind before Snape threw the spell at him.  
  
"Take out your wand and use it if you need to but try to block me with your mind. Are you ready? " Came Snape's voice softly.  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Legilimens"  
  
Harry focused as hard as he could to keep his mind blank and to block the intrusion from Snape but he felt a force like a hand grabbing into his head then he saw his parents come one by one out of Voldemorts wand, then he saw Sirius fall through the veil, then he saw his Sirius and his mother in the veil. The spell ended and once more he found himself on the floor shaking, his hand over his burning scar.  
  
He heard Snape exhaling. His voice came very close to his ear. "Judging by your reaction today, my fears of taking you to the veil are confirmed. It was too soon. Lupin and I made a mistake."  
  
Harry didn't look up, he couldn't stop the shivers that tore through his body. He felt Snape's hands at this shoulders lifting him to his feet and guiding him over to the sofa. He put both hands over his head, and with his elbows resting on his knees he concentrated on taking some deep breaths.  
  
"Potter, I want you try something for me. As soon as you have caught your breath I want you to come and sit in front of me here on the carpet."  
  
Harry opened his eyes and looked up at Snape. He slowly got up and sat down cross-legged in front of him.  
  
Potter looked terrible, his face was ashen and his eyes looked haunted. Snape blinked trying to shake off the pang of sympathy he felt. He couldn't get sidetracked feeling pity, he needed to push him so he would finally learn occlumency.  
  
"I want you to try a relaxation technique. Close your eyes and try to make your mind blank." Snape watched him as he closed his eyes.  
  
"Now I want you to take a deep breath, slowly. Hold it for a few moments, then release it as slowly as you can. Then pause for a moment before taking the next breath."  
  
Harry followed Snape's instructions. His shaking gradually grew less and less.  
  
"I want you to do this every night before you go to sleep and every time before we practice Occlumency."  
  
Harry did it one more time before he opened his eyes.  
  
"Do you want to try Legilimens again?"  
  
Harry shrugged. "Sure."  
  
He stood up again as Snape pointed his wand.  
  
"Legilimens."  
  
This time he was back in the graveyard with Wormtail. The pain still sharp in his leg from the spider attack. Then he experienced Cedric's death again. Voldemort's cruciatus curse came next. He found himself on his knees again.  
  
"You are not even TRYING!" Came Snape's frustrated voice. "How am I supposed to teach you when you don't bother to clear your mind, when all you can focus on is self pity!  
  
Harry's eyes flew open. "Who are you to talk about self pity. You who hated my father and me and Sirius for things that happened long ago. You don't know how it feels to lose the only person you could trust, the only person who felt the same way about things, the only person in the world who you could turn to! You goaded Sirius about having to stay at Grimmauld Place and not do anything. Because of you he came to the Ministry of Magic and died." Harry angrily shouted at him, moisture gathering in his eyes.  
  
Snape grabbed his arm. "So we are back to it being my fault?" He growled.  
  
The tears overflowed as Harry wrenched his arm from Snape's grasp. "No." He stopped to take a ragged breath. "It's mine, just like Cedric's was. Everyone that comes near me, dies because of me. How do you think it feels having that hanging over you!" Harry gulped. "But I guess to you it's just self pity!!!" Harry snarled the last sentence at him as he tore through the door leaving Snape standing there stunned.  
  
Harry tore down the hallway coming to rest against a wall. He felt nauseous and his heart literally hurt. His hands covered his face as he tried to calm himself.  
  
Draco turned the corner in the hallway and was startled to see Potter with his hands over his face leaning against a wall. He was breathing heavily.  
  
Professor Snape suddenly turned the corner. "Potter."  
  
Potter turned to him and yelled. "Just leave me alone!" He ran past Draco not even seeing him in his haste to get away.  
  
Draco looked up at Professor Snape. "What's with him."  
  
"None of your business!" Snape growled and immediately regretted his words when he saw Draco take a step backwards.  
  
"Sorry. He's just being difficult as usual. Did you want to come talk to me?" Snape asked keeping his voice controlled this time.  
  
Draco narrowed his eyes. He had wanted to talk to Snape but when he snapped at him about Potter, he changed his mind. He shook his head and walked past him.  
  
Snape clenched his teeth. Why did he ever think he could help either boy. 


	30. revelations

A/N: Thanks for all the LOVELY reviews send a bunch more and I'll post the next chapter real soon, I'm half way through. Thank you also for the sympathy and well wishes for my car, the most expensive part was the starter replacement but it had a bunch of other problems as well, everything (knock on wood) is fixed except for one more thing that will be as soon as my poor bank account gets another paycheck into it. If I've missed answering anyone's questions, please ask again as I've been a tad distracted.  
  
Softballstar: OMG re: bio. You are a sweetheart! I'm blushing really I am. Ok I'll spill, Draco was hesitantly going to talk to Snape about Lucius, he didn't go through with it which means Snape won't be able to stop him. Which will lead to Draco's near death with in turn leads to a world of guilt and anguish for Snape.  
  
SteffiSnape: relax, Snape's health is safe for awhile yet- but his emotions will be severely strained when Draco almost dies (I said ALMOST, so no one freak out when things look really bad). Thanks for adding me to your fave author list, I really appreciate it.  
  
Arwen Rayne: There's room in my menagerie for a Snape also LOL.  
  
Denise: ITA you'd think it would be a lot gentler. I hated Snape's reaction to Harry's distress. It certainly is an intrusion of the mind. Snape was so out of control when Harry looked into his pensive yet Snape is free to look at all of Harry's deepest fears and thoughts and offer no empathy. It bothered me too but the way Snape is, a wad of pain and hurt on the inside masked by a controlled and bitter exterior. (but of course I'm going to melt him very very gradually in this fan fic)  
  
Heather Snape: Yup I know exactly how you feel, that's how I got the idea with the Christmas songs, first hand experience, been there a couple of times one time also with my gran and yet again this year with a beloved pet. Christmas songs are just so sad and Christmas is so full of warmth and family that when they are missing it hurts twice as much at that time.  
  
Nana Hedwig: Yes I believe Snape knows about the prophecy. Good point you raise. I've been focusing on Harry dealing with Sirius' death but the prophesy will surface a little in this chapter and the next but more so in an upcoming occlumency one.  
  
Frogfoot24: As usual it is a joy reading all your thoughts, because we feel the same way about many of the characters. Hmmm mercy for Severus? There will be a bit of understanding for him in the next chapter but likely not enough to warrant a cookie.darn! Thanks for understanding why I'm taking it so slowly with all of them, when there is so much baggage, understanding and empathy won't happen overnight and when it does it will come in small packages but there will always be the true nature of what the character has become. So small steps forward tempered with the outbursts of defense when they feel threatened. Trust is hard won and it takes time. You are amazingly observant and yes Draco and Harry will both realize how much Snape eventually means to both of them (it will be a huge revelation for Harry, definitely one he didn't see coming) but it will be awhile yet. Draco already knows Snape means something to him but his jealousy over Harry will result negatively for him.  
  
Sneak Peak, huge progress for Harry and Snape but the green eyed monster and regression for Draco.  
  
Chapter 30 - Revelations  
  
Snape went back into his office and sat in front of the fire.  
  
Draco had stormed off after he spoke to him. He assumed he was angry because he had snapped and not revealed why Potter was upset. At least Draco was safe at school and didn't have to worry about the Dark Lord invading his thoughts. Also Lucius was in hiding and wouldn't dare show his face on school grounds. Still he was very worried about the blond teen. What if he was debating becoming a death eater again?  
  
Then there was Potter. He was on a self-pity cruise, Snape told himself. However he had to admit no one he knew had tackled as much and suffered as much as Potter. Although he never talked about it the shadow of the prophecy must weigh heavily on him. It was no wonder he was so afraid of letting anyone close and if he had really listened to what Potter was saying today, he would have truly heard the fear in his voice and the desperation of losing yet another person he cared about.  
  
He had obviously still not earned Potter's trust and accusing him of self pity when he was still so raw from the loss of Sirius was as Dumbledore would have said harsh. He frowned at the thought.  
  
He didn't know how to help Potter, everytime when he thought progress was being made he stepped back again, the accusations flew and the walls went up.  
  
It pained him to see into his mind today and to realize how much seeing Lily and Sirius through the veil upset Potter. The trauma of seeing Sirius fall through the veil the first time and then the realization of knowing he was there and would never be a physical presence in his life again must have led to his emotional outburst today.  
  
Potter acted like he was the only person who had ever suffered loss. Snape knew he had to help him but he didn't want to make the sacrifice of letting his own closely guarded secrets go. Could he reveal to Potter what his own childhood was like, could he reveal what Lily meant to him? Could Potter handle it? Would he trust him then or resent him making future lessons even more impossible?  
  
He poured himself a cup of coffee, sipping at the warm dark liquid. Could he trust Potter to keep his mouth shut? Could he trust himself to talk to him about the past when it was tightly locked inside of him? Perhaps Potter was right; he had indulged in his own self pity for all these years. Had it blinded him?  
  
The door to his office opened and Lupin came in. "You wanted to see me Severus?"  
  
Snape nodded. "We made a mistake with Potter, it was much too soon for him to handle the veil."  
  
Lupin's brow wrinkled. "I think you are wrong. Although it made the loss so much more real, I think he was very grateful for having been able to see them again. He came and thanked me."  
  
"Occlumency was a disaster today. He tore out of here angry and hurt. He has no control over his emotions."  
  
Lupin nodded sadly. "A few short months ago he lost Sirius, last Christmas he had the one and only real Christmas with someone he considered family. That's all gone now. Instead he has a terrible prophecy looming over his head, a probable war and with it the likely loss of more people he cares about. He will either need to kill or be killed, Severus he's only 16 that is a terrible burden to bear, I don't think he's talked to anyone about it. His emotions are so close to the surface, you are angry with him for not being able to control them yet he doesn't know how to."  
  
"Which makes him easy prey for the Dark Lord."  
  
"Yes unfortunately." Lupin said softly. "All the more for you to be extra patient and understanding. You need to reach him Severus but you are not going to succeed by force, he is strong and he won't respond to that, you can't bully him."  
  
Snape nodded.  
  
*** Draco went to his room. Hogsmead weekend was fast approaching and he still hadn't decided whether to meet up with his father. A part of him missed him. He was always proud to see his father's prestige in action. People scrambled to please him. Those rare moments when he was proud of him were unequalled and almost made the punishments worth it. When he was happy with him, his pride shone forth far and wide and the message loud and clear "look at my son, he makes the Malfoy name proud."  
  
Draco sat back on his bed. He rested his head against the headboard and stared up at the ceiling. At times like this he felt overwhelmed with confusion.  
  
***  
  
Harry went out to the lake and sat and stared into the water.  
  
He hated Snape for saying that all he was feeling was self-pity. It wasn't self-pity. It was an overwhelming sense of dread that wouldn't leave him. Logically he knew learning occlumency was important but sometimes the fear of what would happen in the future and the pain of what happened in the past was overwhelming. He was supposed to be strong and courageous but sometimes he just wished the sleep potion overdose had killed him. He took a deep breath, no hang on; he didn't really mean that. He knew the lives of everyone on the side of light was counting on him, it was an incredible burden, if he failed as badly as he did with occlumency then they all would die. He couldn't let that happen without a fight.  
  
It was sheer torture having Snape see into his mind, yet no matter what he couldn't be as controlled as Snape. He thought back to Sirius, he had wanted him to continue with occlumency. He sighed staring out at the calm waters, "I'm sorry Sirius, I don't know how."  
  
"Potter."  
  
Harry jumped. He looked up to find Snape standing near him. He narrowed his eyes at him, what did he want.  
  
With an unreadable expression on his face Snape sat down beside him.  
  
"I used to come to this exact spot to do homework." Snape said quietly looking out at the water.  
  
Harry knew that because he had seen it in his pensieve, he dared not comment as Snape would remember what he did.  
  
Snape continued on quietly, "When I'm trying to teach you, I'm not a patient man. I like to see results quickly. I forget all the things that are creating obstacles to your learning. I learned at a young age to control my emotions and my feelings and I suppose I willed you to be able to do the same. When you are unable to do so, I get frustrated at you."  
  
"You never had the fate of the wizarding and muggle world hanging over your head!" Harry shouted at him bitterly.  
  
"Relax Potter." His dark eyes bore into him. "I didn't come out here to accuse you, I came out to explain. You may continue to hate me but for the sake of the light we need to reach an understanding so we can move forward."  
  
Harry stared down at the grass thinking about what Snape had said. His heart racing uncomfortably. "I don't hate you but" He stopped not sure how to continue.  
  
"But what." Snape asked curtly.  
  
Harry swallowed hard. A shadow of understanding flitted through Snape's thoughts.  
  
"But you still blame me partially for Black's death?"  
  
Harry glanced up at him expecting an explosion from Snape but his face was unreadable, his eyes calm. He looked away nodding.  
  
"Do you also blame the headmaster?"  
  
Harry nodded again, not liking the silky tone in Snape's voice.  
  
"Do you blame yourself?"  
  
A stab of pain shot through his heart.  
  
He choked out. "Of course."  
  
Snape's voice came softly. "Why?" 


	31. a touch of EMPATHY

A/N: author very depressed sigh, so sad, Frogfoot (loved everything else you said in your review though) sniff sniff, what do you mean JKR said not to get too attached to Draco? It's too late; I'm already attached hoping for some reform. That means she's going to kill him off, (throws herself on the floor crying wildly) no no no I've come to love my version of the little nasty yet scared too death of the forbidden forest brat, I'm going to hate whichever book she does that in. She'll have to make him really really really evil in order for me to accept that, OMG what if Harry kills him how will I ever like Harry again, or if Snape kills him..whimper aaargh or if he turns good and sacrifices his life in order to save Harry (cries some more) I can't take it. sniff sniff, ok Draco is going to have to have a crying scene in the next chapter to expel some of my emotions... whimper (and what was it that JKR said about Snape---don't feel too sorry for him, oh no does that mean he'll turn out to be a double spy and he'll betray Harry and Dumbledore?) I gotta say I like people's fan fics here better than anything I'm hearing about the upcoming JKR books. (whimpers some more). At least our favourites can live on in these fan fics. I hope the least thing she does is give Harry some happiness and love and comfort at the end, cause I'm certainly going to by the time I'm done with this fan fic.  
  
Sniffs some more, almost too depressed to continue.  
  
Um sorry I can't remember right now who asked me but ITA means I Totally Agree.  
  
Chapter 31 - a touch of EMPATHY  
  
Snape could see Potter visibly tense.  
  
Harry swallowed hard and glanced at Snape. He was looking at him calmly, with what almost looked like a bit of understanding. That softened look in his eyes that had never been there before made Harry blurt out the guilt that he had been feeling since it happened. Everything came out in a rush.  
  
"I did everything wrong. I didn't listen to Hermione, I didn't listen to Sirius when he said I had to resume Occlumency, I messed up lessons with you, I didn't go to you when I dreamt that Voldemort had Sirius, I believed Kreacher, I almost got everyone killed, I could have used the mirror but when I tried it was too late, Sirius was gone." He closed his eyes tightly breathing very fast and hard.  
  
It was hard for Snape to stay detached seeing Potter like this, a bundle of visible pain. For the first time since he had been coerced by the headmaster to work on Occlumency with him an overwhelming urge to offer some comfort possessed him.  
  
Harry felt Snape's hand on the back of his neck. "Remember the relaxation exercise we practiced today? Take a deep breath, and focus on controlling your breathing, let all the anxiety you are feeling right now flow out with each breath." Came Snape's quiet voice.  
  
Harry tried but his first few attempts at a deep breath failed. "Shhhh calm down." Snape patted the back of his neck. "Just take it slow."  
  
After a few moments, Harry felt in control again, yet completely miserable that he had just blurted everything out to Snape. He felt sick and feverish and couldn't stop trembling.  
  
"You just mentioned a mirror? What did you mean by that?" He still had his hand on Potter's neck and instantly felt him grow tense again.  
  
Harry hesitated then squeezed his eyes shut thinking about last Christmas. He spoke hoarsely, "Sirius gave me a present after last Christmas as I was leaving to return to Hogwarts but it was wrapped and I was distracted by other things and didn't look at it. After, after what happened I found it and it was a mirror and he had written that whenever I wanted to contact him I could through the mirror. If I had looked at it when he gave it to me, I could have used it to find out that he was still at Grimmauld place and not being held captive by Voldemort." His voice grew thick and he put his hands over his face. "None of this would have happened."  
  
Snape exhaled softly. The amount of guilt Potter was carrying around was astounding. Snape closed his eyes for a moment feeling his own bout of guilt for accusing Potter of being wrapped up in self-pity.  
  
"How do you think Sirius would feel knowing that something he had given you as a gift was causing you so much misery?"  
  
Harry snorted. "He'd hate it."  
  
"Exactly. You can't change this, it happened. Since you also blame the headmaster and myself then you know it wasn't all your fault. All that guilt you are feeling can't change anything, it will just hurt you and those remaining that you care about."  
  
Harry inhaled sharply. "Don't you think I know that. Logically I know I can't bring him back and sometimes I can actually go a few hours without thinking about him but then something happens and I can't help it, it's like a wave welling up and it drowns me." His head fell to his knees and a tear rolled down his face. He hated that he always ended up crying in front of Snape. At least so far Snape didn't mock him for it. He felt Snape's hand rubbing his neck again.  
  
"You know that your godfather and I were far from ever being friends. I despised him for his cruelty in school. However we were on the same side recently. Without having the kind of relationship you had with him I obviously don't feel anywhere near the extent that you feel but." Snape hesitated removing his hand.  
  
Harry wiped the tear away and looked up at him. Snape looked at him with those unreadable dark eyes. "I'm not without feeling guilt. You were right I did goad him back at Grimmauld place, I wanted to vex him for once in revenge of all those times he humiliated me and made me feel worthless in our youth."  
  
"My father did that to you also."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I hated what I saw when I looked in your pensieve. I has always looked at my father as a hero and then seeing him act like Malfoy." He stopped not sure how to go on.  
  
"Made you see him in a different light?"  
  
"When my name was placed in the Goblet of Fire and when Rita Skeeter wrote all those articles about me, people's reactions were embarrassing and humiliating. I know how you felt."  
  
He stared at Potter with stunned disbelief. Snape had never considered that Potter actually emphasized with him. He wished he hadn't been so blinded by anger when he had caught him peering into his pensieve. He wished he had reacted more calmly and spoke to him after. He had just assumed that Potter was getting a good laugh out of James' actions.  
  
"Try not to get caught up in those feelings. I let my anger and my frustration lead me into making a terrible mistake, one that I can't ever reverse."  
  
Harry looked at him. "When you joined the deatheaters?"  
  
He nodded, his dark eyes shadowed.  
  
"But you're working with Professor Dumbledore now, you're on the side of light."  
  
"Yes but it doesn't erase all the things I did before that." Snape's tone took on a curt edge at this point.  
  
Harry realized he wouldn't welcome any further questions about his time as a deatheater.  
  
"You do realize that if the dark lord gets into your head, he will know I'm a spy?" Snape asked.  
  
Harry looked at him startled. "I hadn't thought about that."  
  
"Will you resume Occlumency lessons tomorrow afternoon?" Snape asked his eyes guarded.  
  
Harry looked troubled again. "I don't know how I'm ever going to learn but I'll try."  
  
"If we continue to talk about things like we have today, I think you will find it easier as time goes by." Snape stood up. "It's getting darker and colder, I think you need to go in now."  
  
Harry stood up and followed Snape back inside.  
  
Unbeknownst to either Snape or Harry, Draco stood near where they had been. It pained him to see Professor Snape sitting there talking to the golden boy, his enemy. As he had walked closer he heard Snape asking him about resuming occlumency lessons. Anger rose in Draco, he couldn't believe Snape was teaching Potter occlumency. He never offered to teach him that. Lucius didn't know how to do it so he had never learned. All these years he had thought Professor Snape was on his side. Now it seemed he was just as much or more on Potters side but in secrecy. Acting like he despised him yet helping him on the sly. The one person in the world that Draco thought he could count on was apparently befriending the enemy, the boy who everyone loved and admired. He sat down miserably against a tree biting his lower lip. Saint Potter had everyone.  
  
(author still sniffing and indulging in own bout of self pity, poor Harry, poor Snape and whimper poor little Draco. Sigh I know I know its not real) sniff 


	32. Anger and Tears as the Dragon Regresses

A/N: Awwww poor little brat's having his own bout of self pity. Arafel and All Draco Lovers this one's for you (we are getting closer and closer to a climax for him and some very dark days.) Harry lovers no worries he'll back in the next one (he needed to recuperate a bit after the last one.)  
  
Andreea88: I think well hope you'll be feeling even sorrier for Draco in the next week or so. Solstice came from the idea of a season ending and new one beginning, as the characters are also renewing for the battles that they face.  
  
Crystal113: Thank you! Draco (well my version anyway) is very confused, on one hand he's been brought up to admire and copy his father, he wants to be like him and wants the power he has. In many ways he's totally in awe of Lucius. On the other hand he's scared to death of him and from continually being controlled and brought to his knees whenever he displeases him. Draco wants love and recognition and in his heart there is still a grain of hope that perhaps Lucius' time in Azkaban changed him. Yet his head of course tells him to trust Snape and stay far away from Lucius. Draco's incredible jealousy of Harry and now Snape's attention to harry make him pull away and ignore what his head is telling him. Instead he follows that childish grain of hope in his heart that Lucius may yet become the father he wants.  
  
Blunt but Honest: Am glad you made it through to Chapter 32. You make an awesome editor. Thanks for the critique, some thinks I am aware of and have been working on alas I still slip on occasion when time is short. I'll check out the webpage, it may also come in handy for other works. Snape has made improvements with Harry in the last chapter but he will always remain 'prickly'.  
  
Vikki and Frogfoot: Thanks oodles to both of you. As for the JKR interview- maybe there is hope she won't actually kill Draco and won't make Snape a double agent. Since Draco will likely stay evil (although he's really rather like a malicious child most of the time) I hope the worst that will happen to him is to end up in Azkaban, not die a horrible death in the forbidden forest that he's been terrified of since book 1. Her words are rather cryptic on Snape, I hope his heart is revealed and he ends up by the end of book 7 being as important to Harry as Sirius was. Frogfoot, I always look so forward to reviews and analysis, I love your insights and thoughts, even if you did get me all teary eyed last time. (LOL must be PMS, I'm crying because a character I like in a book MAY get killed)  
  
Thanks to all the new readers, it's so great hearing from you and knowing that you are enjoying it.  
  
Hrei-siesn' Sigh yes poor Draco is going to meet Lucius-get those hugs (bandages and healing potions) ready.  
  
Anora & Tamz: Draco will find help in unexpected places (smiles mischievously while dabbing tear with sleeve)  
  
Kangaroo, very very soon.  
  
Denise: Thanks so much but as for having the power, only in my version sigh. I can't influence what JKR will do to Draco and Snape.  
  
Amy, interesting comments, yes I guess I like the little slimebag, I want him reformed though. Snape is on the side of light and Draco is his favourite, so I wish he would influence him somehow. Do you have the VHS or the DVD version with the extra scenes that were cut? The way Lucius uses his staff on Draco in Knockturn Alley definitely points at abuse, especially the fear in Draco's eyes and his apologies to his father. I don't think I'll be done till Christmas though.  
  
Wavy Avey: Hey I'm right there sobbing with you. LOL glad I'm not the only one who's upset, misery loves company.  
  
Chapter 32 - Anger and Tears as the Dragon Regresses  
  
Snape walked into the Slytherin dorm, Draco's room to be exact. "Draco, I've been looking for you."  
  
Draco looked at him resentfully. Snape narrowed his eyes. "Are you all right?"  
  
"Perfect." Draco replied coldly.  
  
"Good, I want to talk to you about the upcoming hogsmead trip. There is a potions convention occurring with a well known expert from the Far East wizarding world. Since you excel at potions I wondered if you would like to join me in attending?"  
  
For a moment a flash of interest lit up Draco's gray blue eyes, then his expression grew sullen again. "Is Potter going too?"  
  
Snape couldn't stop the small smile from forming on his face. "Potter? He'd likely blow the place up."  
  
Draco smiled sarcastically, "Oh yah, I forgot he's still taking remedial potions, right?"  
  
"Yes" Came Snape's reply. Draco was acting very oddly.  
  
Are you sure you are all right, you seem tense?"  
  
"Like I said before, everything is perfect." His gray blue eyes flashed as he turned away.  
  
"And Lucius is a kind and gentle man." Snape responded sarcastically. "Spill it Draco, I'm not leaving until you tell me what's got you in a knot!"  
  
Draco's eyes narrowed and he sneered at Snape. "None of your business." He yelled at him a raw edge to his voice.  
  
Snape recognized the words as being the same ones he had snarled at Draco earlier when he asked what was up with Potter. He glared at him. "Stop acting like an infant!"  
  
Draco seethed with anger and made a move towards the door. Snape grabbed his arm. "You are not leaving this room until you tell why you are so angry at me." Snape snarled in a controlled voice. Draco wrenched his arm out of Snape's grip.  
  
"Sit down, NOW." Snape snarled in an increasingly angry tone.  
  
Draco's heart raced furiously. He spat at him "You aren't any better than my father."  
  
"Really?" Came Snape's voice silkily. "Have I pulled out a whip?"  
  
"Maybe not that way but you are always trying to control me just like he is. He may be a slave to Voldemort but you are one to Potter!" He angrily burst out.  
  
Snape's eyebrow shot up. "Potter? How exactly does Potter figure into all this."  
  
Draco glared at him resentfully but stayed silent.  
  
"Draco?" Snape said in his most dangerous tone, his dark eyes glittering.  
  
"You're not teaching him remedial potions, you're teaching him occlumency!" Draco shouted.  
  
A flash of fear entered Snape's heart. He had been careless. Draco had found out, if he told the wrong person his life was instantly forfeit. He tried to control his racing thoughts. "Why do you say that?" Snape asked in measured tones.  
  
"Because I went down to the lake to do some homework and heard you asking Potter to continue occlumency." Draco responded with anger, however Snape also detected the hurt in Draco's tone.  
  
"What else did you hear?"  
  
"Nothing, why did I miss the part where you told him he could always count on you that you were there for him!" Draco shouted his breathing laboured.  
  
Snape paused realizing finally why Draco was so upset. He obviously felt betrayed.  
  
"No I didn't tell him that. I meant what I said to you Draco, and that's one of the reasons I am here to invite you to come with me. Potter is not invited."  
  
Draco turned to the wall and leaned his forehead against it. Snape stared at his back.  
  
"If you're teaching Occlumency, why haven't you ever taught me." Came his voice softly.  
  
"Because Professor Dumbledore asked me to teach Potter." Snape explained.  
  
Draco snorted. "Of course, Saint Potter always gets special privileges.  
  
"Perhaps he needs them, he is the one after all constantly fighting off the Dark Lord."  
  
"I wish the Dark Lord would just get him and Dumbledore." Draco never got to finish his thoughts as Snape angrily turned him and pushed his shoulders into the wall.  
  
"Stop acting like some spoiled jealous little brat. There are some things you are not privy to know and what happens between Dumbledore and Potter is one of them! You are not to say a word to anyone about the lessons he is receiving, UNDERSTAND!"  
  
Draco swallowed, furiously blinking back tears.  
  
Snape exhaled softly releasing his grip. "Draco this is very important, my life would be at stake if you say anything to anyone. Can I count on you to keep this to yourself? Once I'm finished working with Potter I promise you I'll teach you."  
  
Draco shrugged nonchalantly. "Fine, I won't say anything but don't bother teaching me." His voice strained as he stared at the floor.  
  
"I thought you wanted to learn? Isn't that the main reason you are sulking?"  
  
Draco glared at him again. "I'll find someone else to teach me."  
  
"There is no one else, I'm the best." Snape responded.  
  
"Can you just go now!" Snape looked at him, he was as usual pale, his white blond hair mussed now that he no longer gelled it back, his gray blue eyes stormy and unreadable. Everything about his stance made Snape determined to reach him again. He stepped away from him and went and sat on the edge of the bed.  
  
"Do you think about Lucius?"  
  
"I don't want to talk about him." Draco scowled.  
  
"I hope you have given up the idea about becoming a death eater."  
  
The ensuing silence worried Snape.  
  
"Draco?"  
  
"I don't want to become a death eater." His voice was quiet.  
  
"I'm very glad to hear that. Will you come to the potions seminar? I promise you will enjoy it." Snape said softly.  
  
Draco's gaze lit on him, those gray blue eyes full of confusion. He stumbled over his words. "I can't, I have plans to do stuff with Crabbe and Goyle."  
  
Snape nodded, "Very well but we would have had a great learning experience."  
  
"Why don't you just take Potter he could use the extra lessons." Draco slipped in with a touch of malice.  
  
Snape regarded him with anger. Draco's moods changed like quicksilver. "Don't you think it's time you grew up a bit and got over this jealousy of Potter. I doubt if you lived in his world you'd be handling it as well!" Snape walked out of the room without a backward glance.  
  
Draco's face twisted as self loathing over took him. Why couldn't he have just said yes to Snape's invitation? A huge wave of pressure welled up in his chest from the deep ache in his heart. It burst as a gasping sob emerged. Why couldn't someone just care without putting all these expectations on him? He had pushed Snape away again when what he really wanted was to tell Snape about the letter. Another sob welled up and he threw himself across the bed hugging his pillow as tears spilled over. Why had he been so stupid, he really was as useless as his father always said. The tears came faster now as his body shook. He lay there for a long while uninterrupted; the tears finally stopped as sleep claimed him. 


	33. PROGRESS and REJECTION

A/N: THANKS TO ALL FOR ALL THE KIND WORDS. This one is a bit short sorry but I'm planning on the ones a little further ahead and they require lots of attention cause they're so tense. Ok to answer a few questions, some of you want Draco to know what Harry is going through, patience my sweets, he will learn a bit while he recuperates but the majority of it will happen with Snape's help (there will be a more thorough mutual understanding and Draco needs to learn about empathy) but not for a while yet, first Harry will learn a bit of Draco's nightmare of a life. I know some of you are chomping at the bit for Harry and Draco to become friends but they've been enemies for 5 years and Draco has been a slimebag, he needs to learn some things about friendship and compassion first before I let him become friends with Harry. Hang in there all, I promise it will eventually happen.  
  
Rurouni Tsuki: Yes to question 1 (comfort leading to friendship and an awareness of each other). Yes to question 2 (but very slowly, Draco has been utterly malicous, he won't change overnight, he still needs to learn somethings before he can be friends with Harry)  
  
Elocynne: THANK YOU. I Love the long reviews, thank you, it helps me to know what is working and what people like.  
  
nana-hedwig: yes to question # one. And right Snape is slowly starting to understand Harry better. You'll see more of that happening below and in the next chapter.  
  
blunt-but-honest: Thanks, I've made the title and chapter number font larger and have bolded it, I hope it comes out (I think I tried bolding once before and it didn't show up after I downloaded).  
  
kristendotcom: Wow all 33 at once, you must have been almost cross eyed when you finished? Thanks so much for the kind words and I love hearing that readers are enjoying it. Below is the 1st of 3 new chapters this week.  
  
hermionegreen: Yes it will be very beneficial for Draco to glimpse Harry's life and I promise it will happen but not yet, Draco needs to learn about friendship and empathy first. He's never had it in his life and he needs to understand it first before he'll be ready to offer any in return.  
  
wavy avey : Author throwing you a HUG, and don't you worry Draco will get lots of hugs and compassion after his encounter with Lucius.  
  
Draka-Nova: I'll answer your 'wonders to herself" Will Draco tell someone? NO. Will his father actually hurt him? YES BADLY. Will somebody see it happening? NO.  
  
Softballstar: re: I hope he doesn't get hurt too badly. SORRY but he will be.  
  
frogfoot24: sniff sniff, I'm going to miss you while you write all those exams. I had a psych prof once say that students writing exams register more stress than soldiers on the front line, quite bizarre if one thinks about it. Come back soon and don't worry Draco will be good and no Lucius doesn't know how to do legilimens.  
  
Eliza, so happy you are enjoying it, thank you so much for all the sweet praise.  
  
Immortal Akasha : Love hearing from new readers, thanks for all the wonderful comments, love that you are enjoying it. I'm honoured to be on the list. As for your questions: Will Draco and Snape come to some understanding? Yes eventually when Draco learns to share Snape. And what about Lucius? How cruel will he be to poor Draco? VERY.  
  
Denise: I heard a rumour book six would come out in the spring of 2005 but who knows. Thanks for the lovely review.  
  
Snapefan: ??? Is that really you? I made you cry over the little ferret? LOL that is just too cute. You better keep that box of kleenex handy. Not only will you feel sorry for Draco but you'll also feel sooooooooo sorry for Snape I think sometime next week.  
  
Hp-Azn: Glad you are liking it, and no sorry I don't go online on msn, just don't have the time. Spare minutes are spent writing this story. You can ask me questions about upcoming storyline during the review if you like and I'll be happy to answer.  
  
chuckleseviltroll312: I'm not quite sure yet but I'm guessing till Christmas so likely another 17 or so chapters if I do 3 a week.  
  
Steffi Snape: I'm not quite sure as I never know exactly how my chapters will go but I'm guessing on the weekend will be the start of 'the meeting". So the worst will happen next week.  
  
twinlakeshgrl: I know you've been patient for a long time but sorry it will be awhile yet however I think you'll like how Harry helps him. So don't die, the scene you want will come after this set of climax's is over.  
  
Kangaroo: re: when dray gets hurt, will harry or hermione be worried and go to see him? No worries they'll be doing a lot more than that (smiles, I think you'll like it)  
  
Droxy: I love you what a lovely review, I'm totally blushing. Thank you!  
  
Chapter 33 - PROGRESS and REJECTION  
  
Harry walked into Snape's office with a little less reluctance than usual. He had thought about the talk with Snape down by the lake over and over again since yesterday. He also remembered what Lupin had told him. He'd known for a long time that he needed to learn occlumency but the realization of what Voldemort would do to Snape if he found out that he was a spy for Dumbledore caused ice to flow through his veins. The last thing he needed was someone else dying because he had made a mistake.  
  
"Potter, did you practice last night?" Snape asked curtly.  
  
He nodded.  
  
"Legilimens." Snape cast the spell so quickly Harry was caught off guard.  
  
Uncle Vernon had grasped him roughly and threw him into his room. In the next flash he secured bars over the windows. Then Harry lay on the bed feeling miserable, his stomach growling.  
  
Through all this he managed to stay on his feet just panting slightly. He blinked and tried to take deeper breaths once he realized the spell was over.  
  
"Much better, especially since I didn't give you time to prepare." Snape acknowledged. "Why did you get locked into the room?"  
  
Harry shaking slightly, sat down on one of the chairs by Snape's desk. "Uncle Vernon had a dinner party with some influential people, Dobby, the Malfoy's former house elf was trying to keep me from going to Hogwarts my second year and with magic dropped a desert on one of the guest's head. I was thrown into my room and locked in for what was supposed to be forever, but Ron and his brothers got me out later that night."  
  
"I see." Snape frowned. "Shall we try again?"  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Legilimens"  
  
Aunt Petunia was screaming at him, "Go to your room! I wish your parents hadn't died and we weren't stuck having to take you in!" The next memory was a young Harry with his arms around his knees sobbing in the cupboard under the stairs, as Dudley had a birthday party and he wasn't allowed to attend. The third memory was Aunt Marge insulting his dead parents.  
  
This time had fallen to his knees but he shakily managed to pull himself upright again. He had managed to clear his mind this time before Snape ended the spell.  
  
Snape looked shaken. He had never realized how bad Potter's childhood had been.  
  
Harry hated for Snape to see some of those memories but he still couldn't ward all of them off.  
  
"You are improving but obviously you haven't been able to block off some of those memories as they are still influencing you and making you react with weakness. Has your aunt always treated you like this?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"Did she or you uncle ever beat you?" Snape asked in a quiet hesitant voice.  
  
Harry thought quietly. "I was punished when I did things wrong but no the punishments were never excessive."  
  
Snape breathed a sigh of relief. "That's at least one thing in their favour. Nothing messes a child up more than then being unloved combined with constant beatings."  
  
Harry wondered if Snape was talking about himself. He didn't dare ask though, now that a tentative truce was in place.  
  
***Hermione was deeply immersed in a book on Animagus but inexplicably something broke her concentration and make her look up. Malfoy had just entered the library.  
  
He walked slowly as if some heavy weight pressed on his shoulders. He had a lost and tired look about him as if he had a lot on his mind and had had very little sleep. He suddenly noticed her as his icy eyes narrowed. Even from half way across the room she saw the shadows under his eyes.  
  
He wearily dropped down into a chair two tables over from where she sat.  
  
She couldn't describe the feeling she felt in the last while whenever she saw Malfoy. Ever since she had gone to find him in the fog, something about him made her want to reach out to him and to try and befriend him. She knew Ron would classify her as insane if he ever found out. Looking at Malfoy it was as if something in him had changed and he wasn't any longer that malicious, evil boy that enjoyed causing others pain and misery.  
  
Was it women's intuition or just a huge error in judgement? Sure he had responded to her apology about the elf and back in Hagrid's cabin when she had hugged him, his head had dropped on her shoulder but it was likely just from the pain in his ankle. She thought back to when she had found him crying in the fog and to the words Harry had hurled at him about crying on Snape's shoulder. Malfoy had never cried even when he had gotten hurt in Hagrid's class, and not even when Moody had punished him pretty severely two years ago. Something must have really upset him and whatever it was it hadn't ended because he still looked completely miserable.  
  
She put down her book and went over to him.  
  
He looked up at her resentfully. "What do you want?" He snarled quietly.  
  
She didn't say anything, disappointed that once again he was being his nasty self. She shrugged which seemed to infuriate him even further.  
  
"Spit it out mudblood, what to you want? He spoke more loudly his voice sounding hoarse.  
  
"I just wanted to ask if you were all right because you look like you aren't feeling well but since your nastiness is back forget it because I don't care!" Her eyes looked fiery and she turned on her heel.  
  
He yelled after her "I don't care either so just leave me alone."  
  
His heart raced as he angrily turned back to his potions study book. He almost wished he hadn't snapped at her. Seeing her reminded him of Potter and how he now had Snape on his bandwagon. His head ached and his hand came up to his forehead. Through the blond strands of hair hanging over his eyes, he peered at Granger again but her attention was back on her book.  
  
Hermione was furious with herself. Why had she even bothered to try to reach out to him? He was a foul mouthed, miserable, evil boy and she wouldn't waste another second on him. With consciously realizing it her eyes wandered over to him again. He sat hunched over in the chair, one hand to his head, his white blond hair down over his eyes. He looked desolate. She snorted, serves him right. She would never allow herself to feel sorry for him again! 


	34. TALKING

A/N: Well the next chapter is the start of the Hogsmeade weekend, Draco lovers you can slowly start bracing yourselves and get the kleenex handy. Snape lovers you too can start to prepare but you won't need them till next week sometime. Harry lovers you'll once again see his wonderful compassion and of course Hermione will play a part in the upcoming scenes as will Ron and Lupin and Dumbledore.  
  
I don't have time to answer questions today but I promise I will in the next chapter (on the weekend). THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR ALL THE REVIEWS! You keep this story going.  
  
Chapter 34 - talking  
  
It was the night before the Hogsmeade trip and everyone at dinner was making their plans.  
  
"Well I think we should hang out at the 3 Broomsticks for awhile." Ron proposed.  
  
"Not until I do some Christmas shopping." Stated Hermione.  
  
"But it's still over a month away, how can you even think about it?" Ron asked with an exasperated tone.  
  
Harry didn't pay much attention to the conversation. His mind was on the next occlumency lesson. He felt a little better now that he was making some progress but he was terrified that he would never learn it well enough to block Voldemort if he tried again. Every night now he sat on his bed and did the deep breathing exercise that Snape had taught him. He came out of his reverie of thoughts when Hermione's words caught his attention.  
  
"Well I had been in a good mood up to then. But Malfoy was completely rotten yesterday, right back to his old nasty self."  
  
Ron scoffed. "When was he ever his new self?"  
  
Hermione snorted. "You are right, it was all my imagination!"  
  
Harry glanced over to the Slytherin table and Malfoy sat there expressionless staring at his plate, taking an occasional drink from his butter beer. As if feeling Harry's gaze on him he looked up. Harry was struck again by an odd feeling of pity, Malfoy's eyes looked hollow and haunted but they changed quickly as anger shadowed them and they narrowed back into the dark look he knew so well. Harry focused back on Hermione. "Did something else happened with Malfoy?"  
  
Ron looked confused between the two of them. "Something else? What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Nothing Ron, it was no big deal. Awhile back he sprained his ankle and I helped him, he was actually a touch civil to me for awhile after but yesterday at the library he looked, I don't know sad, depressed but when I went over to him, he was miserable and called me, well you know what."  
  
Someone aught to inflict some serious hurt on him, I think it should be me."  
  
"Ron if you did that I'd never speak to you again! You are better than that. Promise me you won't do anything."  
  
Ron grumbled but promised.  
  
Harry smiled. "You know Hermione can take care of herself pretty well, especially when it comes to Malfoy."  
  
"Yah, I remember." Ron smiled remembering when she had slapped him in 3rd year.  
  
Harry glanced back at Malfoy. He sat at his table seemingly oblivious to the conversations and activity around him.  
  
Hermione suddenly gasped. "I forgot to feed Crookshanks, I'll be right back." She jumped up and literally ran out of the room. Harry noticed Malfoy's gaze following her. He had an odd look akin to worry on his face but then as he glanced at the Gryffindor table, contempt and apparently anger once again masked his features.  
  
"Harry how are detentions going with Snape?" Ron asked quietly.  
  
"Better, Snape's actually being more patient and not snarling at me all the time. He taught me how to do a deep breathing exercise, which helps me to relax. " He explained.  
  
"Do you think you can ward off you know who if he tries to get into your head again?"  
  
"I don't think I'm there yet. Snape has been doing something different. I don't know how but everytime he does the spell I have memories relating to the Dursleys. I think he's taking it slow so I can deal with things that happened with them."  
  
Ron looked awkward. "But shouldn't he be focusing on the really bad things like" He stopped awkwardly not wanting to upset Harry.  
  
"Like when Sirius died?" Harry said quietly.  
  
"Yah." Ron whispered.  
  
Harry took a deep breath. "I think we'll get there at some point. He knows I can't just put that out of my mind, it still." He stopped again feeling the familiar burning at the back of his eyes.  
  
"Hurts too much?" Hermione had returned and had heard the last few quiet sentences between them. Harry stared fixedly at the table. She put her arm around him and her head on his shoulder offering him some comfort. He closed his eyes and put his head on hers for a moment. "Thanks Hermione."  
  
***Silently the blond boy sitting at the Slytherin table watched the exchange with a surge of anger. The stupid golden trio, always flaunting their friendship. A knot formed in his stomach. Maybe life as a death eater wouldn't be so bad. His gaze went up to Snape and he jumped slightly when Snape looked back at him, his brow furrowed looking worried. Draco looked away quickly. He wanted power so people would respect him and no one would be better than him. Especially Potter and his pets. But Snape's words kept creeping into his mind on what life as a death eater was really like. He wanted to hear it from his father because he didn't want to be a slave and his father wouldn't be a slave to anyone. He wanted to see his dad.  
  
*** Hours later Harry found himself in Occlumency again. He wavered unsteadily after just re experiencing the Dementor attack and Dudley and Uncle Vernon coming at him fists raised. Then the notice of his expulsion from Hogwarts.  
  
He tried to do the deep breathing Snape had taught him. Snape looked concerned. "Your uncle. He came at you with his fists raised?"  
  
"Yes but he didn't hit me, he thought I had used magic to hurt my cousin Dudley but I used it to try and get rid of the Dementors Umbridge sent."  
  
"Potter how do you feel about them?" Snape asked.  
  
Harry shrugged. "I don't feel anything, they don't care about me and I don't care about them."  
  
"If Voldemort had his deatheaters go after them and kill them all, how would you feel?" Snape asked quietly.  
  
Harry's green eyes opened wide with alarm. "Why are you asking that? Do you know something is going to happen? I can't let that happen." His heart raced.  
  
"Calm down Potter!" Snape snapped. "You obviously do care."  
  
Harry grew quiet. The thought that Voldemort could kill them all had made an icy chill course through his body. His aunt and his cousin were after all his only living relatives. He didn't want to be responsible for their deaths.  
  
"You're not succeeding at blocking me at all today. I had to end the last spell. Clear your mind!" Snape said impatiently.  
  
"I'm trying." Harry responded with anger.  
  
Snape waved his wand. "Prepare yourself." Then. "Legilimens."  
  
Trelawney's voice echoed in Dumbledore's office, Harry looked devastated realizing he would have to kill or be killed in the final battle with Voldemort.  
  
He lay on the floor gasping.  
  
"Get up, let's try again." Snape's voice sounded weary.  
  
"no."  
  
Snape turned at the softly spoken word. Potter had pulled himself into a sitting position. He could see that he wasn't being defiant perhaps just tired of not making progress.  
  
Snape sat down on the floor across from him. "Let's do the breathing exercise."  
  
Potter's green gaze lifted slowly to meet his.  
  
"Close your eyes, don't think of anything. Take an slow deep breath." He waited till Potter did it. "Good, now hold it. Slowly release it. Do it again."  
  
After the last image, Harry had felt dizzy and disheartened. If Voldemort got into his head he would know everything.  
  
"Have you had anymore dreams?" Snape asked softly.  
  
"No, I've been doing these breathing exercises and trying not to think of anything."  
  
"Good. Tell me how you feel about the prophecy?"  
  
"Why did that happen? I kept getting images about the Dursley's why did I suddenly get the prophecy?" Harry looked up at him, his eyes haunted.  
  
"I was controlling the images. Those who are skilled at Legilimens can direct their victim's thoughts to certain events or times. I didn't control the last one, I thought I would let your subconscious direct me to one of the things that weighed heavily in your thoughts."  
  
"I would never have wanted to have to kill but I won't let anyone hurt my friends and those that I care about." He stopped, an expression of pain briefly crossing his face. "I couldn't stop Sirius' death, I don't think I could live with it if someone else dies because of me. Otherwise I don't care if Voldemort kills me, I could see my parents and Sirius."  
  
Snape's heart beat painfully. "Don't you think your parents and Sirius would want you to live a long time? You are much too young to be crossing the veil."  
  
Potter looked at him, "You mean like Cedric was?"  
  
Snape's dark gaze flinched briefly. "Yes." He sighed. "You're tired and Hogsmeade is this weekend. We'll end here tonight and talk during your next detention. I think we need to discuss a few things before continuing again. Continue as you have been with clearing your mind and breathing exercises."  
  
Harry stood up.  
  
"Potter, you carry a great weight on your shoulders but tomorrow don't think about any of this. Have a good time." Came Snape's surprising advice.  
  
Harry looked up into the dark eyes and smiled softly at Snape.  
  
A ghost of what might be interpreted as a smile briefly crossed Snape's face. 


	35. THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON

WARNING: VIOLENCE AND ABUSE IN THIS CHAPTER.  
  
A/N: Thank you so much to all of you, I love reading your reviews! This was a VERY hard chapter to write, (as will likely the next 10 or so, very angsty) even though this is all fiction and Draco is just a character on paper, my heart aches for him, I guess it's really aching for all the abused and unloved children in this world. I hope they as Draco will, find someone to offer hope, support and comfort.  
  
Watcher Tale Neith: LOL stop prodding me (grins) not for awhile yet but progress will be made in the next few chapters.  
  
Frogfoot: Hope you ACED it. Radiological physics, eeeep that would be my nightmare.  
  
Rurouni Tsuki: THANK YOU! I update 3 times a week, sometimes 4 time permitting. To answer the ?'s: 1) Just comfort and friendship with some mutual fascination but no actual romance. 2) Yes but it will take time, advancements will be made. Hermione and Snape will lead the way to make this happen. LOVED the long review, keep em coming.  
  
Snapefan: thanks for telling me what you like there will of course be more of that.  
  
Supernova, Thank you, I would be delighted to read and review, will do so tomorrow on what will likely be a snowed in Sunday.  
  
Andreeea99-Thanks, I've heard them on the radio but honesty haven't paid attention to the words, will do so next time.  
  
Kangaroo, hope you like it, poor Draco. Thanks for telling me what you like.  
  
Escawing: Thank you and yes there will be a comfort scene between Hermione and Draco, when he breaks down after his ordeal.  
  
Immortal Akasha: Yes indeed Harry will help Snape become less bitter. Hermione and Draco will bond, but not romantically although there may be hints of a mutual fascination that may hint at romance in the future but not in the actual story. And yes I will deal with Snape's past. You'll get another glimpse soon in an upcoming scene between Snape and Dumbledore. Corgil: LOL thanks loved the Louisville slugger line!  
  
Romm: Nope, Hermione has a compassionate heart she will be there for him.  
  
Xikum: wonderful observations you'll see more of the 'family' interactions for all 3 coming up as in how they deal with the past.  
  
13 ravens: Love your name. WOW 34 in a row! I should send you eye drops. Thanks so much for all the kind words!  
  
Denise: This chapter was heart wrenching for me to write as will the next few weeks worth.  
  
Shadow Adams THANKYOU!  
  
Barbara Kennedy: You are undervaluing yourself. You are excellent with the hurt/comfort. I especially love the Severus-explosion story. Nope Hermione won't notice Snape, she'll have her hands full with Draco but Dumbledore will be there for Snape.  
  
James Padfoot: DM/HG will be friends but no romance. There may be hints of it but it won't actually happen, just a growing fascination and mostly comfort.  
  
Myranya-thank you! No worries, everything will be slow and will hopefully progress believably.  
  
Snapefan: sending virtual Kleenex to you!  
  
Droxy, sniff, I think I read the same Draco suicide story. Don't worry he'll stay alive in this story although it will look grim for a bit. I too think he will take the Dark mark in book 6 or 7 but I'm eternally hopeful he will have a change of heart and be redeemed.  
  
Chapter 35 - The Dark Side of the Moon  
  
I took a walk around the world to  
  
Ease my troubled mind  
  
I left my body laying somewhere  
  
In the sands of time  
  
I watched the world float to the dark  
  
Side of the moon  
  
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah  
  
3 Doors Down - Kryptonite  
  
After checking out all the new things at Zonko's, Hermione, Ron and Harry left Ginny, Neville, and Luna there promising to meet them over at the Three Broomsticks in awhile. Big flakes of snow had started falling that morning and a white sheet of snow had collected on the ground by the time they headed over to Honeydukes.  
  
"Oh this is a wonderful, perfect setting to do my Christmas shopping." Exclaimed Hermione as she twirled in the snow. Harry and Ron looked at each other with amusement  
  
Hermione sighed at them, then a mischievous grin formed on her face as she scooped down grabbing two handfuls of the soft fluffy snow and throwing it in their faces. She burst out laughing with glee as they sputtered but then with a shriek started running as they each bent down to grab handfuls.  
  
****Draco shivered slightly as he waited behind the shrieking shack. He felt sick, like he had just done something terribly wrong. He stood there wishing he had gone to the potions seminar with Snape.  
  
"Hello Draco." Drawled Lucius' voice.  
  
Draco jumped when suddenly his father apparated in front of him. "Hello father." They stood staring at each other for a moment. Draco noticed that despite the time spent in Azkaban his father looked much the same. Tall, arrogant with long silver blond hair and eyes of steel.  
  
"So Draco, tell me what have you accomplished while I've been away? Other than getting yourself injured by Potter during Quidditch." Came the cold voice.  
  
Draco shivered under his cloak again. "I'm at the top of my class in the Dark Arts and in Potions."  
  
"I see. Am I too assume Granger is at the top in the rest?"  
  
Draco swallowed. "Yes but I'll beat her before the school year is over."  
  
"I hope so Draco. The Dark Lord wants his death eaters not only strong but also smart. If you graduate at the top, he will be very impressed, as of course will I. I have been telling him what a wonderful heir to the Malfoy name you are and how you assisted Umbridge last year. He admires your loyalty to the dark side. You will go far Draco, perhaps even farther than I."  
  
Draco looked down at the snow for a moment. "Would that make you proud?" He hesitantly looked up.  
  
"Very." Lucius smiled at him.  
  
Draco smiled back. "What's it like being a death eater?" There was a tone of uncertainty in his tone.  
  
Lucius smiled again. "There is no greater honour than being made a death eater. The power you have is supreme, outshined only by the dark lord himself. That power coupled with the Malfoy fortune make us virtually unstoppable."  
  
"But you were sent to Azkaban. Why didn't the dark lord rescue you?"  
  
Lucius' eyes narrowed. "Don't you ever question the dark lord!!! He had reasons for biding his time but he never lets down a faithful follower."  
  
Hesitantly Draco asked. "Do you have to do everything he says?"  
  
Lucius didn't respond for a moment, then he strode over to Draco roughly grabbing his chin forcing his eyes up to look into his. "Why are you asking such questions! Who has put ideas into your head?"  
  
"No-one, I just wondered." Draco stuttered.  
  
Lucius stepped back looking suspicious. "You better not be having second thoughts about becoming a death eater. I have been preparing you since the day you were born."  
  
A shiver coursed up Draco's spine. "I'm not, I just want to know more about it."  
  
"You will provide the same loyalty to the dark lord that you provide to the Malfoy name!"  
  
"What kinds of jobs does the dark lord have you do for him?" He asked hesitantly.  
  
"Torture muggles, mudbloods and muggle lovers." Lucius smiled evilly.  
  
" But aren't you just a slave to the Dark Lord? Where is the power in that?" He asked afraid of the answer.  
  
Lucius' face twisted. "It's true then? I didn't believe it when Crabbe and Goyle told me that their sons had seen you in the arms of that mudblood Granger. No one but a mudblood could have put these thoughts into your head." His hand lashed out as he viciously backhanded Draco. He fell against a tree. His jaw cracked with a terrible pain as blood ran out of his mouth.  
  
He slowly got to his feet, while his heart dropped. His father hadn't changed he was still the same. His hand went to his jaw holding it as he choked out. "The mudblood fell on me, that's what Crabbe and Goyle saw, nothing else happened nor ever would happen. Mudbloods are filthy!"  
  
Lucius glared at him then nodded curtly. "Do you remember that I taught you that valuable lesson long ago? Malfoys do not interact with mudbloods and such. I was starting to wonder if you needed a refresher!"  
  
Draco quickly shook his head then winced as he tried to wipe the blood off his face.  
  
"Be prepared to the take the dark mark soon."  
  
Draco stood trembling in front of him. "Why do you always have to hit me, can't you just talk to me."  
  
A dark scowl crossed Lucius face. "As head of Malfoy house I expect totally loyalty, respect and obedience without question. Since you appear to have trouble learning that from me I look forward to the day when the Dark Lord teaches you these lessons. Apparently I have been too lenient on you Draco." He drawled in a cold icy voice.  
  
Defiance burned in Draco's eyes. "Perhaps I don't want to be a death eater anymore."  
  
Lucius' response was swift. The staff came down on Draco who brought his right hand up to ward it off. He felt his wrist snap as the staff connected. With a cry of pain his left hand cradled the broken wrist. The staff came down again hitting him across the chest, he felt a rib crack and sank to his knees. His face twisted in pain as his breathing grew laboured.  
  
With watery eyes he looked up at Lucius and gasped. "I wish you weren't my father! I wish Professor Snape was!"  
  
Anger blazed from Lucius eyes as he raised his staff. It cut across Draco's shoulders; he fell hard to the ground on the rocks beneath him. The staff kept striking across his back but Draco didn't care anymore. He would not beg for mercy this time nor would he give any signs that he had been beaten into submission. Tears soaked the rocks he lay on but his blond hair fell over his face so Lucius couldn't see them . A warm welcoming blackness soon engulfed him.  
  
Lucius kept striking his son until voices shattered his anger. Someone was coming. A tiny grain of fear curled in Lucius' gut. Draco lay too still. The Dark Lord would be severely displeased if his soon to be death eater had died unexpectedly. He rolled Draco over on his back and felt for a pulse. With relief he noticed there was a very faint one. He noticed the tears on Draco's face. Foolish boy, the punishment would have ended much sooner if he hadn't been so defiant. Perhaps this time he would finally remember this lesson.  
  
He hears screams for the village and smiled. He would apparate there and join in the fun. Whoever those approaching voices belonged to would no doubt find Draco and fix him up. With a crack he was gone leaving the unconscious boy bleeding in the snow. 


	36. THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON PART 2

A/N i'LL ANSWER QUESTIONS IN THE NEXT CHAPTER. Next one features a sweet Hermione and Draco moment, and a bit of Ron and Lupin, then Harry as he brings Snape to the cabin.  
  
Chapter 35 - THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON Part 2  
  
"I watched the world float to the  
  
Dark side of the moon  
  
After all I knew it had to be something  
  
To do with you  
  
I really don't mind what happens now and then  
  
As long as you'll be my friend at the end" 3 Doors Down - Kryptonite  
  
After a snowball fight, which ended with Hermione, Harry and Ron thoroughly wet and bedraggled but laughing, they went into Honeydukes and treated themselves to a warm hot chocolate with a generous heap of whipping cream and nutmeg sprinkle.  
  
While taking a slow sip from her steaming mug, Hermione glanced at Harry. For the first time since the last Quidditch match did she see his green eyes sparkle with laughter. He and Ron were still reliving the snowball match and how they had rubbed snow on her as revenge for getting them earlier. She smiled at them happily; it felt so good just like old times.  
  
Harry rubbed his numb hands together and wrapped them around the warm steaming mug. He was so glad they had all come to Hogsmeade today. For a brief moment thoughts of Sirius flitted through his mind but he consoled himself with the knowledge that Sirius would want him to have fun, still he missed him and wished he could have been here with them.  
  
"I think we better start." Ron's words were cut off by screams from outside.  
  
They jumped up hurrying to the window. Before they even got there Harry stumbled to his knees struck by the icy cold hopeless feeling that only a Dementor could bring. Ron and Hermione froze when they saw what must have been at least 50 dementors outside in the square. They turned and quickly picked Harry of the ground.  
  
"What are we going to do?" Ron asked looking around desperately.  
  
"Out the back door, quickly!" Shouted Hermione. As they headed out the back carefully making sure no one was around Hermione spoke up.  
  
"It's not safe here, especially not for Harry, let's head up to the shrieking shack I'm sure they won't go there, there's an old rustic cabin up there, we can hide there until the coast is clear."  
  
Harry had sufficiently recovered by then. "I could use my patronus against them."  
  
"NO, the place may also be crawling with death eaters out to get you for you know who." Shouted Ron.  
  
The three of them hurried through the swirling snow up to the shack.  
  
"Come on the cabin is this way." Hermione directed as she led them to the back. She suddenly froze staring horrified at the ground.  
  
Sprawled and covered in snow was a body. They recognized the black cloak and barely discernable emblem as belonging to a Hogwarts student.  
  
Harry ran over dropping to his knees brushing the snow off the student's face. Inhaling sharply he recognized Malfoy.  
  
"Someone has attacked him!" Hermione spoke with panic evident in her voice.  
  
Draco's face had dried blood on it and a terrible green blue tinged bruise on his jaw.  
  
Hermione lightly ran her hands down his chest. "He has broken ribs."  
  
"His hand isn't looking to good either." Ron pointed out looking at the unnatural angle of his wrist.  
  
"We've got to get him to the cabin. Harry lifted him under the shoulders while Ron grabbed his legs; they carried him slowly following Hermione into the forest to the small snow covered cabin.  
  
With a quick "Alohamora" she unlocked the door and led them inside. There was an old wrought iron bed in the corner and they carefully lay Malfoy down on it. Hermione waved her wand and a fire appeared in the large stone fireplace.  
  
"He's badly injured, we need to get help from a professor. Harry you are the most affected by Dementors you need to stay here. Ron and I will head into town. I'll see if I can get some supplies from somewhere and Ron you will need to find a teacher. I've seen Madam Pomfrey at the Three Broomsticks in the past, maybe you can find her there. Professor Snape would also be good, he might have a healing potion he can use."  
  
Fear entered Harry's heart. "No you can't go. I'll go. I won't let you risk your lives. I can conjure up a patronus to ward off dementors, you haven't learned that well enough yet."  
  
"Harry we don't have time to argue! Malfoy is barely breathing he could DIE! We have to get help. You need to stay safe! Come on Ron!" Hermione barked out the orders and grabbing Ron's arm pulled him out of the cabin locking the door behind her.  
  
Harry went over to Malfoy. Hermione was right, he was barely breathing. His skin tone was an awful shade of gray and his skin cold to the touch. He searched the cabin for more blankets and covered Malfoy with them.  
  
After what seemed like a long while Malfoy moaned and seemed to grow restless. His eyes opened and he struggled to sit up.  
  
His vision was blurry. Every fiber of his being hurt. What had happened? Where was he? Then the memories came rushing back. He whimpered at the memory of his father's fury.  
  
An arm came around him and helped him up. He stared to retch as his stomach cramped up from all the blood he had swallowed. A bucket appeared in front of him as he weakly threw up into it. Waves of pain coursed through him as his ribs screamed from the effort, there was a severe pain in his chest and he could hardly breath. He felt himself break out in a cold sweat and he shivered uncontrollably.  
  
Someone was holding him up with an arm on either side of him. He grabbed onto the arm in front of him with his uninjured hand for support and tried to work through the pain tearing through him.  
  
Malfoy was shivering violently, as Harry held him up with one hand he cast a spell with the other and cleaned out the bucket. He remembered how badly his ribs had hurt after the Quidditch tournament. He didn't envy Malfoy what he was feeling right now. He tried to maneuver him to lie down again but Malfoy let go off the tight grip he had on his arm and grabbed the bucket once more. He threw up again and Harry realized it was likely from the shock and pain of his injuries. "Easy Malfoy, just try to breathe through it. Try to take as deep a breath as you can then hold it and slowly release it, it will make you feel better."  
  
Draco recognizing the voice started fighting back tears, not quite believing that his father must have just left him lying there bleeding. Of all people to find him why did it have to be Potter? He glanced up at him with bleary eyes. He looked away quickly as his eyes welled up. He'd rather die than cry in front of Potter.  
  
Harry noticed him struggling and knew exactly how he felt. He hadn't wanted to cry in front of Snape, yet when it happened Snape didn't hold it over his head.  
  
"It's ok Malfoy, I won't tell anyone." But Malfoy kept the tears at bay. The sound of his breathing scared Harry. It as shallow and almost sounded like he was underwater.  
  
He carefully lowered him back down on the bed. Malfoy gasped out in pain.  
  
"What is it, what's hurting?" Harry knew it was a stupid question as likely everything hurt.  
  
Malfoy didn't answer and his eyes were tightly closed his breath coming in shallow pants. Harry gently pulled his hand out from his back. His heart jumped when he saw faints streaks of blood on his hand.  
  
"You're bleeding. You've got more injuries. He gently rolled him over a little more. Malfoy sprang to life and struggled against him murmuring a weak but desperate "No."  
  
Draco didn't want Potter seeing his back. Despite the heavy fog hanging in his mind, he knew Potter wouldn't know what exactly had happened but still he felt so humiliated over what Lucius had done, he didn't want anyone to see it.  
  
"Shhh, you're bleeding I have to find the wound."  
  
He gently untied the cloak and lifted his shirt up. He froze, his stomach churned at the bloody sight. Malfoy's back was covered in red angry welts ending in deep bleeding gauges in his skin.  
  
"Who did this to you?" Harry whispered. He gently rolled Malfoy over on his stomach but the groan of pain and the frantic attempt for breath made him realize Malfoy had to stay on his side. The pressure from his ribs was too painful. He got him on his side again. He noticed the gray blue eyes were open again although rather unfocused. He knelt down in front of him.  
  
"I'm going to clean the wounds as best as I can. Hermione and Ron went for help. They're trying to find Madam Pomfrey and Professor Snape. They'll be back soon. You have to hang on."  
  
Draco's eyes closed as he put his full effort into attempting to speak but he only succeeded in wincing. At the mention of Snape's name is throat closed painfully. He so desperately wanted Snape, even though he knew he's be so disappointed in him. He was so ashamed but he knew Snape wouldn't abandon him.  
  
Harry patted his shoulder. "Come on Malfoy, fight. I know you can. You've got this year and another at Hogwarts to make my life miserable as only you can."  
  
With that Draco's eyes opened again and gray blue looked into green for a moment.  
  
Draco tried to speak again. He wanted to tell Potter where he could find Professor Snape but his jaw ached so baldly he could barely open his mouth.  
  
Harry looked concerned and he spoke reassuringly. "Just take it slow. Do you want me to get some paper and a pen? You could try and write with your left hand?"  
  
Draco nodded weakly. Harry helped his slowly sit up again and watched as his trembling hand tried to write what he wanted to say. He made out 'Snape' and 'Potion' but the last word had ended in a scribble as the pen fell out his hand. Draco's eyes closed in frustration as Potter laid him down on his side again.  
  
"Rest your hand for minute, then try again."  
  
Harry's heart raced. He was afraid. Malfoy was getting weaker. Despite being enemies he certaintly didn't want to watch Malfoy die like this. Silently he wished Ron or Hermione would come racing through the door with Pomfrey or Snape. A shiver ran through him as he thought of the dementors and possible death eaters out there. What if they couldn't come back? He shook his head, he couldn't think that now, he had to focus on Malfoy.  
  
He grabbed a bowl of luke warm water and a soft rag. He pulled out his wand making Malfoy's shirt and cloak disappear. He made sure the blanket covered him as much as possible in the front so he would stay warm as he carefully wiped off as much blood as possible.  
  
Draco fervently hoped the darkness would envelop him again, the pain was excruciating. He couldn't stop the whimper of pain escaping from his lips.  
  
Harry's hand went to his shoulder. "I'm sorry this is hurting you more, I'm almost finished."  
  
Draco's stomach cramped up and with a cry he attempted to sit up. Potter's arm went around him instantly and the bucket was put in front of him. There was nothing left in him to throw up but his stomach kept cramping.  
  
With a heartbreaking groan Malfoy went limp and fell against Harry.  
  
Just then he heard 'Alohamora' and Hermione came through the door.  
  
Harry breathed a sigh of relief. "Are you all right, I'm so glad you are back."  
  
Hermione's worried gaze lit on Malfoy. "I couldn't find Snape or Pomfrey, I'm hoping Ron had more luck. I found a bunch of supplies to make potions with that can help him. I've also brought a warmth package. The dementors and death eaters were gone but I heard that two people had been killed. I couldn't find Ginny, Luna and Neville, I hope they're ok."  
  
Harry lay Draco down on his side again. "I'm going to see if I can find Snape. Malfoy was trying to communicate about Snape, something about Snape potions, maybe he's in a potions store or something we've never paid attention to?"  
  
Hermione's eyes lit up, "The Potions Seminar! Oh why didn't I think of that before. There was one last year in the Golden Pentagram? There might be one this weekend. Maybe he's still there?"  
  
Harry headed for the door. "I'm going. The dementors and death eaters are gone and you're definitely better at making potions than I am. He's in really bad shape. He keeps throwing up maybe you can make something for his stomach and also a painkiller."  
  
She looked at Draco's pale form, he looked so helpless and vulnerable. 


	37. THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON PART 3

A/N: What can I say, I had no intention of killing the two that I just killed in this chapter, the two deaths were supposed to be two nameless unknown to us muggle supporters but then my muse kicked in and suddenly their names appeared. I don't know why. So sorry to those who liked them.  
  
Galadreial: BIG HUG for you. Talk to me anytime. Hope it continues to help, the grieving part of this story is helping me too and just between you and me Harry and Draco will shed a few more tears before it's all over. (Even Snape in an upcoming chapter)  
  
Watcher Tale Neith- how would you like to Occlumency with Harry and Draco together (smiles mischievously)  
  
Melindaleo: "I've yet to come across a story that has made me care for Draco." Author whimpers over failure. Sniff how can you not care for my version of the poor little soul. Whimpers some more. Darn I guess I'll have try harder, let me know if I ever succeed. ITA with everything else you said.  
  
Droxy: Thanks so much for the long reviews, always love your reflections, they are inspiring. Don't worry Loki gets to sleep with Snape every night and he'll be making an appearance soon cause Draco won't be recuperating (at least not at first) in the hospital ward.  
  
Immortal Akasha; hugs for Draco, Draco won't be smiling for awhile but you'll see a new side of Snape soon. Thanks for all the lovely words.  
  
Angel74: so was it fluffy or just comforting?  
  
Rurouni Tsuki. Smiles ugh I don't think I'll be eating bread at your house(, thanks for all the kind words, hope you keep enjoying it.  
  
Barbara Kennedy: re: stretcher, they were too worried about the Dementors and death eaters and um no there is no healer in Hogsmeade cause he um retired and moved to London, yah that's it (grins sheepishly cause I was too wrapped up in plot to even think about that)  
  
Wanye: of course Draco is a good student, he was made a prefect. Harry had high marks but that was before Umbridge became the prof. As for Draco having top marks well I'm assuming since he's Snape's fav he would excel in potions and since he's the son of death eater I'm guessing he's good at anything to do with the dark arts, however since it's just a fan fic it's all just my interpretation cause only JKR really knows.  
  
13 Ravens: all right "coughHermionecough" Hope you like it.  
  
Nana Hedwig: mmmm swiss chocolate my favourite.  
  
Padfoot: LOL you made me laugh. Poor Draco's in no shape to run but I bet he appreciates the lollipop although his poor jaw is rather sore and broken. Ooops you are right I did make him gryffindorish I better fix the little slytherin.  
  
Xikum: I'm writing Draco based on abused children who despite the abuse reach for the known rather than the unknown. Draco had never known a different life so he is torn. I love your hope for the Malfoy's and I share it.  
  
Snapefan: LOVE that you want to put Lucius cane where the sun don't shine.  
  
Tweety is Cool: Sigh I know I was so mean but I had to be.  
  
Andreea88: Dumbledore will come soon, I promise.  
  
Denise: thanks so much for the lengthy review and no I don't want to kill you all cause then there wouldn't be any more reviews and I wouldn't feel inspired to go on, it would all just stay in my head.  
  
Kangaroo: double chocolate Ben and Jerry's for me? YUM!  
  
Cristina, wow all the way from Brazil. That is SO COOL! Glad to hear that you like it. LOL, means laugh out loud. I hope you review again sometime.  
  
CHAPTER 37, DARK SIDE OF THE MOON PART 3.  
  
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if  
  
Not for me then you would be dead  
  
I picked you up and put you back  
  
On solid ground 3 Doors Down - Kryptonite  
  
"The beating he took is much worse than we thought." Harry said quietly. Hermione frowned looking at Harry, he looked weary. "Check out his back, I cleaned it but maybe you can put something on it to help heal it or make it hurt less." With those soft-spoken words he left.  
  
The first thing Hermione did was put the warmth package up against Draco's body.  
  
"There that should help make you feel a little better until I get the potions brewed." She whispered to him. He looked so pale, his light hair very disheveled. His poor jaw was turning a terrible gray blue colour. She was amazed at how young and childlike he looked without the nasty sneer that usually occupied his face. His breathing was very faint but laboured. Concerned she lightly stroked his forehead, he was cold to the touch. She leant over him lightly lifting the blanket, seeing that Harry must have removed his cloak and shirt. She gasped as one hand came over her mouth. His back looked as if some vicious animal had attacked him. She shuddered at how much that must have hurt. She wondered if death eaters had done it, perhaps at some kind of retaliation against something Lucius might have done. Draco had enemies in school but she couldn't imagine any other student hurting him like this, not even Ron and Ron really hated him.  
  
She gently lowered the blanket again and immediately started brewing potions. Before she had finished she heard an Alohamora as the door opened. Ron and Professor Lupin entered.  
  
"How is he?" Lupin asked hurrying over to Draco.  
  
"He's pretty bad. He can't breathe very well and Harry said he kept throwing up."  
  
Lupin started to examine Draco's injuries while Ron went over to help Hermione. "What happened in the village, did you find out who was killed?"  
  
Ron nodded and swallowed painfully. "Padma and Colin. I don't know the details but I think they sprang in to help one of the muggle born shop keepers and the death eaters attention went on them and they did the killing curse."  
  
Hermione visibly trembled, she felt sick to her stomach as tears entered her eyes. The war was beginning and two students had lost their lives. Ron looked extremely shaken. He had once dated Padma. She took a moment to hold him close in a hug. He sighed deeply into her hair.  
  
"How long has he been unconscious?" Lupin asked as he lowered his ear to Draco's chest.  
  
Hermione let go of Ron. "I don't really know, not long I think. Harry was holding him up when I came in, I think he had thrown up and then fainted."  
  
Lupin with concern etched heavily on his face, "I think he has a collapsed lung and the other isn't sounding too good either. His condition is very grave. We need Professor Snape."  
  
"Now that the coast is clear can't we just go back to Hogwarts and let Madam Pomfrey heal him?" Ron suggested.  
  
"I'm afraid Madam Pomfrey had an illness in her family, she won't be back for at least a week. Professor Snape was filling in for her."  
  
"Harry's gone to look for him"  
  
"If he's not back shortly we'll need to get him to Dumbledore, he'll be able to help although with today's events he'll have his hands full."  
  
Draco gasped as he came too again.  
  
"Bring the vial over here Hermione, I think he'll need it."  
  
Draco heard the soft voice, it sounded familiar but he couldn't quite place it. He slowly opened his eyes seeing Professor Lupin in front of him.  
  
Granger appeared beside him. She looked at him with concern in her dark eyes. Draco looked away not wanting attention from the mudblood. He'd already suffered enough pain because of her kind. Lupin held the vial to his mouth. Draco whimpered "No" and tried to turn his head away.  
  
"It's ok Draco, Hermione has brewed up this potion to help settle your stomach. I presume you'd rather not throw up again?" Lupin asked softly. He gently lifted Draco's chin.  
  
He gasped at the sudden pain shooting through his jaw as Lupin dribbled the potion into the side of his mouth. He swallowed wincing each time.  
  
Hermione left and returned with another vial. Draco shook his head. Tears came unbidden into his eyes as Lupin again forced his chin up so he could get the potion into his mouth. He felt helpless; he hated that he was being forced by scruffy looking Lupin to take a potion he didn't want. He swallowed as it ran down his throat.  
  
Lupin got up as Hermione sat down beside him. "That one was for the pain. In a few minutes all your wounds shouldn't hurt as much."  
  
A soft sob escaped Draco's lips as he turned his face into the pillow. He felt himself growing weaker. He was dying surrounded by people he had always considered to be his enemies. No matter how hard he tried to screw his eyes shut, tears escaped and started running down his face into the pillow. "I don't want to die." He sobbed not realizing he had whispered it just loud enough for Hermione to hear. Every breath he took burned like fire and his whole body ached.  
  
Pity clenched her heart as she put one arm around Draco and took his hand in hers with the other. "We're not going to let you die." She whispered into his ear. His body was tense and she knew how much effort he was putting into not breaking down in front of her.  
  
When Granger took his hand into hers, he clenched it desperately wanting to feel some warmth, someone who was alive. He knew she didn't really care about him, how could she after all that he had done but he didn't care. If these were his last moments on earth he just wanted to pretend that someone did care.  
  
"Remember that day out in the fog? I've seen you cry before, it's not a big deal. I won't tell anyone so don't worry. Stop putting all your strength into trying to not cry, put it into hanging on till Professor Snape comes, it won't be much longer now." She whispered reassuringly.  
  
Ron watched the scene closely and made a move to go over but Lupin gently grabbed his arm. "Relax Ron, the boy is suffering immensely, he needs some reassurance and comfort. Hermione can best provide that."  
  
A ragged sob tore through Draco as he gripped her hand even harder. Hermione put her face down on his and held him close. "Shhhhh Draco, you're going to be ok, we won't let you die." Lulled by her words and the fact the pain and nausea was starting to ebb, Draco fell into an exhausted sleep in Hermione's arms.  
  
Ron disturbed by Hermione's reactions to Draco crossed from the window over to her. "I know he's hurt and in pain but he's been miserable to you for years, how can you be so nice to him?'  
  
"I know and you're right but something's changing with him. Harry knows it too. Besides even if it isn't true, he's seriously hurt Ron. Look at his back."  
  
Frowning Ron lifted the blanket, turning pale as he gasped. "Bloody hell! Who would do this to him!"  
  
Hermione shrugged. "Didn't you make a wish that someone should inflict some serious hurt on him?"  
  
Ron paled. "Well yes but not like this."  
  
***Harry ran back into town. He headed for the Golden Pentagram but when he got inside it was deserted. He ran to the three broomsticks but it was closed. He pounded on the door in frustration.  
  
"Potter!"  
  
He turned to see Professor Snape leave a crowd of people and head over to him.  
  
Breathlessly he gasped. "Professor."  
  
Snape cut him off. "I'm sorry Potter, I know it's upsetting."  
  
Harry narrowed his eyes confused. "What?"  
  
Snape looked startled. His dark eyes looked into his intently. "Why are you here, you should be back at Hogwarts with the other students, didn't Moody or Tonks escort you back?"  
  
Harry shook his head; "No I haven't seen them. You have to come with me. Malfoy is hurt bad, Hermione's trying to help him, they're in a cabin by the Shrieking Shack."  
  
Snape's eyes grew wide with worry. "What happened to him?"  
  
"I don't know we think maybe Lucius did something to anger the death eaters and they got their revenge through his son."  
  
Snape paled. Lucius, was it possible that somehow Draco had encountered Lucius? "Lead the way Potter." 


	38. FaDiNg AwAy

A/N: I just finished a future chapter (approx. 5-8 away) that popped into my head and just begged to be written, sigh poor Draco has bad memories lashes out at Snape and Harry. Anyway writing that one delayed this one so here it is. More on the weekend. WOW am overwhelmed by all those reviews from the last chapter. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I will answer questions in the next chapter. Glad almost everyone is feeling for my version of Draco (I know I know JKR's version will likely get meaner and more dangerous as time goes by) but I just had to explain him and lead him along on the path to redemption. NOW I do want everyone to realize that Draco isn't going to suddenly put his whole life behind him and suddenly turn into a sweet angel, cause he won't. It will be slow but progress will be made in making him a better person. Ditto for Snape, you have seen improvements in him but you are just starting to see his own demons emerge and his fear makes him lash out. Chapter 39, comfort for Harry and Snape.  
  
CHAPTER 38 - FaDiNg AwAy  
  
You called me strong, you called me weak,  
  
But still your secrets I will keep  
  
You took for granted all the times I  
  
Never let you down  
  
3 Doors Down - Kryptonite  
  
Hermione stood back anxiously as Lupin examined Draco again.  
  
"How is he? He seemed to think he was dying." She asked with fear in her voice.  
  
Ron stood back looking at the beaten bloodied body of the boy that had plagued him and Harry since their education at Hogwarts had begun. There had been many times he would have liked to have given Malfoy a real beating, especially after he called Hermione mugblood, endlessly taunted Harry and insulted his mother but seeing him broken like this physically and emotionally made him feel sick. He hated to admit it but he actually felt sorry for Malfoy.  
  
"We can't wait any longer I'm afraid. He's fading fast. A fever has sprung up. I have a portkey, we're going to have to use it." Lupin looked more weathered and worn than usual.  
  
Just then they heard Harry's voice. "Alohamora." And he and Professor Snape came bursting through.  
  
Snape's dark eyes looked anxious and worried. "Remus, how is he." He asked as he hurried to Draco's side. His heart clenched seeing how pale he was.  
  
Lupin shook his head and responded in a quiet voice. "It's bad, Severus." He hesitantly put his hand on the dark man's shoulder. "You need to get him back and start treatment immediately, if it isn't already too late."  
  
A shiver coursed through Snape at his words. In a strained voice he said. "Draco? Draco?" But there was no response from the unconscious boy as Snape examined his ribs, wrist and listened to his breathing.  
  
"His lungs seem to be the most serious problem." He concluded.  
  
"Professor you should know that I gave him the potion you taught us a few weeks ago, the one against nausea and shock because Harry said he'd been throwing up. I also gave him the pain killer you taught us last year." Hermione explained hoping she had done the right thing.  
  
Snape nodded absentmindedly. "Well done but I have to get him back now, I have potions I need to use for his injuries."  
  
He reached down to pick him up. Harry added. "Watch out for his back, and he can't breath when lying flat." Snape frowned lifting the blanket to check his back. He gasped when he saw the raw injuries. He realized Lucius' snake tipped staff must have caused them. He cringed visibly shaken to the core.  
  
"Professor Snape?" Came Potter's worried tone from far away.  
  
He shook his head, blinking rapidly, fighting down the brief moment of nausea from the bitter memories seeing Draco's injuries had stirred.  
  
He looked into Potter's worried gaze. "Come over here, take a vial of the potions that Granger brewed and then hang onto my arm. I'm going to use my port key back to my rooms. Remus, you'll bring the other two back?" Lupin nodded, quietly turning to Hermione and Ron.  
  
Harry took the two vials and put his hand on Snape's arm. Snape gently cradled Draco's limp body wrapped in blankets against him then reached for the port key.  
  
Harry felt the familiar tugging of the port key. In a flash he was back at Hogwarts in Snape's private rooms, where Snape had taken him after Samhain.  
  
Snape laid Draco on his own bed. He threw aside the warm comforter and lit a fire with his wand. He worked with an urgency that made Harry hesitate to interrupt him and offer his help.  
  
"Potter can you go to the hospital ward and get me a bottle of Madam Pomfrey's Skeletheal? Professor Spout should be there to help you find it." Snape barked out the order.  
  
Harry nodded and ran out of the rooms.  
  
While he was gone, Lupin came in with Hermione and Ron. Snape had just conjured up a blanket sized shining blue sheet covered in what looked like ice. "A blanket of frost, good idea Severus that should help lower the fever."  
  
Lupin went over to help but Snape's dark eyes flashed. "I can handle this, all of you leave now." He snarled.  
  
Severus, he's at death's door, you are too close you can't do this by yourself." Lupin said in an even tone.  
  
Snape turned with such a look of smoldering fury that Ron and Hermione stepped back. Lupin however stood his ground. "If you have any chance of saving him you need help."  
  
"I have help, now leave!"  
  
Lupin stared hard at him, Snape flinched but then turned to Draco.  
  
Lupin sighed. "Come children."  
  
Hermione threw one last glance at Draco. He was gray, his skin covered in a thin sheet of sweat, his hair plastered to his head. She closed her eyes tightly making a silent wish. "Please let Draco live." She felt so sorry for Professor Snape, she knew Draco had always been his favourite student, she could see how upset he was. Reluctantly she joined the others in leaving.  
  
Harry came back with the Skeletheal clutched tightly in his hand. He brought it over to Snape who had been rubbing a strange smelling thick potion on Draco's chest. "Potter help me lift him up."  
  
Draco was limp as a ragdoll. Snape brought pillows and propped them up behind him so he would be elevated on top of the blanket of frost. He then measured a glass of Skeletheal out and slowly poured some down Draco's throat while muttering a spell that seemed to make Draco swallow. He wound tight bandages around his ribs and wrist and held his jaw while the potion started to set the bones back where they should be. With Harry's help he lifted Draco forward so he could spread another potion across the wounds on his back. They immediately stopped bleeding and closed up, they also looked less red and angry than before.  
  
Snape laid him down again and listened to his breathing. Not liking what he was hearing he added another potion down his throat. Snape's heart started racing as nothing was helping to ease his laboured breathing. The grim reality hit him that Draco may never wake from this vicious beating.  
  
He would never know how much he cared for him and that he would have given his own life to save him.  
  
Despite his utmost attempt, his throat closed and an agony he hadn't felt in a long time welled up inside of him. He gripped Draco's hand while his other hand went to cover his face. He suddenly felt Potters's hand on his shoulder and heard the tentative whisper. "Professor Snape?"  
  
"Potter GET OUT!"  
  
"But Professor." Harry tried to reason with him.  
  
"GET OUT! If I hadn't had to spend so much time trying to teach you occlumency I would have been more aware of what the death eaters were up to and this wouldn't have happened and Colin and Padma would still be with us!"  
  
Harry took a horrified step back. "Colin and Padma?" He asked confused.  
  
Snape's angry glare lit on him. "They are DEAD and Draco may soon be NOW GET OUT!"  
  
Trembling badly, his green eyes wide with shock. Harry backed away. Snape somehow blamed him for all that had happened. Had all the time he had spent teaching him occlumency taken him away from his duties as a spy? Did this mean because of him he had missed important news that could have prevented the attack on Hogsmeade today? Colin, little adoring Colin snapping away with his camera, Colin who thought of him as a hero. Harry squeezed his eyes shut. Feeling sick, his heart aching, he walked down the dark corridor. It was starting to happen again more deaths because of him.  
  
Snape swallowed heavily. What did he just say? He had just blamed everything on Potter, he knew it wasn't Potters fault. It was his own. He should have been more forceful more coercive with Draco. He should have made him go to the potions seminar. He thought back to the tiny blond baby Lucius had thrust into his arms proudly proclaiming his heir. He was so pure and innocent and Snape had felt the urge to protect the tiny tyke. He had argued with Lucius on numerous occasions when he was overly harsh with his words on Draco. He hadn't realized till Draco was 11 exactly how brutal Lucius could be. Even so he thought from that point onward Draco would have the sense not to provoke him but Lucius' excuses for punishing him seemed unavoidable as he thought back to Draco's last nightmare.  
  
Did he run into Lucius by accident, or did Lucius contact him. Did Draco seek out Lucius on purpose with some false hope that Lucius' time in Azkaban had changed him? Perhaps he would never know.  
  
For the first time in a very long time he felt the tears well up as he stroked Draco's blond hair willing him to fight. 


	39. A WIZARD'S COMFORT

A/N: Ok so I lied Snape didn't make it into this one. BUT he will be in the next one a lot. Dumbledore is of course a bit pissed at him but also comforts his devastated potions master.  
  
KittenKat: consider me honoured, thank you.  
  
Droxy: re Snape/Lucius - it will happen and it will be dark. No Yule ball but they will all have a lovely Christmas. Oh and no Lucius didn't kill the students he was busy beating Draco at that moment. P.s. Loki back in chapter after this one.  
  
Missy black: so sorry about your dog. Don't worry Harry won't die and Snape will feel very guilty and fix things.  
  
Padfoot aka Da Elf: Don't die! I'm updating I'm updating. You've got me in stitches, elephants, fireworks, flobberworms (gotta love those flobberworms), poor Lucius-aargh did I just say that?  
  
Jay Jay-Snape feels really really bad and Dumbledore's about to make him feel worse.  
  
Crystal113: yes Harry forgives Snape. The trio will eventually find out sometime after Draco wakes up.  
  
Snapefan51: THANK YOU, Snape flinched because Lupin rarely ever gets angry and he knows deep down what Lupin said was right. As for Snape knowing about Lucius' cane, Draco after had had the nightmare told him Lucius had hit him with it, last Christmas, and um Snap's waiting for his hug (smiles he's going to need it, and you'll really want to be hugging him)  
  
Immortal Akasha, so COOL you are from Brazil. Love how the HP stories are loved worldwide. Lucky JKR, she's done a wonderful thing. Yes harry will forgive Snape.  
  
NanaHedwig, hmmm nightmare, I'll see if I can squeeze one in for you somewhere. Yes Snape is the healer but he'll have help. Yes Snape will spend a spot of time with Harry very soon. Yes Harry feels very guilty but nothing compared to how Dumbledore makes Snape feel.  
  
Eliza-I'm blushing, masterpiece, thank you so much, harry won't find out for awhile the whole story on Draco but even when he does they won't immediately become friends. Draco needs to learn empathy first.  
  
Lee Lee Potter: Don't smack Ron, he'll be nice to Draco a bit down the road.  
  
Rowan Rhys: thank you, please keep writing on, oh now I forgot the name! Your story it starts with an M. It's quite dark and poor Draco.  
  
Eos elloeous: You'll find out more about draco's mom in a future chapter, but I'll give you a hint, she doesn't care at all about her son, she didn't want him to start with.  
  
Demonwitch666: Hang in there, when you least expect it, it can suddenly get better, life is weird that way. Glad you like my story.  
  
Shadow Adams, WOW thank you and no, Harry will understand and forgive.  
  
Candle Dot: Thank you, no Harry won't go off the deep end, he just needs some TLC and he gets it in this chapter.  
  
Lilain Snape, Thank you, it won't be slash. There will be a touching scene between Draco and Snape in a while. Hey I LOVE Germany! Spent a couple of vacations over there, love Bavaria and Munchen!  
  
JKH: there won't be a Draco/Hermione romance, just friendship and comfort, hope you continue to enjoy.  
  
***If I've missed answering anyone's questions please let me know, I got a little bleary eyed towards the end.  
  
CHAPTER 39 - A WIZARD'S COMFORT  
  
"Harry?" Ron called out as Harry swept past him.  
  
He stopped. Ron went over to him as Harry fixedly stared at the floor. He was obviously upset as they all were.  
  
"How's Malfoy?"  
  
"Hanging in." Came Harry's rough response.  
  
Ron reached out to touch his tense shoulder. Ron swallowed. "You heard about Padma and Colin?" He asked in a strained voice.  
  
Harry nodded then looked at Ron with haunted eyes. Ron knew that look it was the one Harry had whenever someone mentioned Sirius.  
  
Harry trembled and looked away again. Ron wasn't sure what to do. All the students were upset about the two deaths, well almost everyone, there were a few slytherins who weren't. Harry looked devastated. Ron wondered if it had brought back all his feelings of loss from Sirius's death.  
  
"Harry what's wrong?"  
  
Harry's green eyes snapped angrily. "It is my fault! I couldn't master Occlumency and Snape wasted time on me and couldn't spy on the deatheaters, he couldn't stop what happened at Hogsmeade." A tear ran down his face.  
  
Ron looked shocked. "Oh Harry, it's not your fault! Come on, you're sounding totally loony."  
  
Harry took a deep rasping breath. "Snape doesn't think so, he blames me."  
  
Ron scoffed. "Snape! Who cares what he thinks, I don't trust him."  
  
"He's right." Harry squeezed his eyes shut.  
  
Ron grabbed his shoulders shaking him roughly. "Snap out of it, Snape's upset because his beloved precious Malfoy is hurt, he totally lashed out at Lupin too who was just trying to help!"  
  
Harry's hands came up to his face. Ron stopped shaking him and pulled him into a brotherly hug patting him on the back. Harry's body shook as a shuddering sob tore through him.  
  
Hermione came around the corner. "Oh good, I was look." She stopped in mid sentence staring at them.  
  
Her mouth dropped open and words spilled out. "Draco, I mean he's not."  
  
"NO." Ron growled. "Malfoy's not dead but Snape is blaming Harry for everything that happened."  
  
Harry let go of Ron and sank to the floor wiping his face. Hermione and Ron both dropped down beside him.  
  
"Harry you can't listen to Professor Snape he is very upset about Malfoy, he's doing and saying things that aren't rational."  
  
In a tear laced voice Harry asked. "How did Colin and Padma die."  
  
"The death eaters did the killing curse. It isn't your fault." Hermione whispered tears entering her eyes.  
  
A shiver coursed through Harry.  
  
"Harry please don't blame yourself, this has nothing to do with you. You couldn't have prevented it." Her heart ached when looking at his pain filled eyes. With a sob she threw her arms around him.  
  
Harry hugged her tightly, his own tears spilling over. He had never allowed himself to really cry into front of the two of them before but this time he couldn't stop himself. Ron's arms went around the two of them.  
  
"Harry?" All three looked up to find Dumbledore standing there looking very grave. They wiped their eyes. "Harry, come to my office please."  
  
He looked gently at the other two. "Hermione, Ron please go to the Gryffindor tower, Professor McGonagall will inform you both of the new house rules. There will obviously not be anymore trips outside of school grounds for the rest of the year."  
  
Hermione wiped her eyes again looking worriedly at Harry. Ron gave Harry's shoulder a reassuring squeeze before getting up.  
  
Harry stayed on the ground feeling too miserable to move. "Professor Dumbledore, Draco was."  
  
Dumbledore cut him off. "Professor Lupin has explained what happened. Will you come with me please." He extended his hand.  
  
Swallowing heavily and blinking rapidly Harry looked up and grabbed the offered hand.  
  
Dumbledore helped him to his feet and then at a remarkably clipped pace for a man of his age, headed towards his office. Harry felt a growing sense of dread as he followed him. Did Dumbledore blame him too?  
  
As they reached the office's inner chamber, Dumbledore beckoned Harry to sit.  
  
"I want you to tell me everything that happened today."  
  
"I'm sorry." Was all Harry said in a choked voice.  
  
Dumbledore narrowed his eyes. "Why are you sorry Harry?"  
  
"It's my fault, if I had learned occlumency faster then Snape could have focused on being a spy and could have prevented Padma and Colin's death and Malfoy's beating."  
  
Dumbledore shook his head. "This had nothing to do with you learning occlumency faster. How can it be your fault?"  
  
"Professor Snape." He closed his eyes for a moment as his head dropped.  
  
"Professor Snape blames you? He actually said it was your fault?" The old wizard asked disbelief in his voice.  
  
Harry nodded listlessly.  
  
"Harry listen to me. This is important. This was not your fault. Not in any way. Voldemort decided to give a little demonstration with a few chosen death eaters. As well he wanted to show that the Dementors are under his control. Unfortunately two students got in the way and I believe since they were Hogwarts students they were killed as a direct message to me. If anyone is responsible it is myself."  
  
He paused taking a calming breath. "You must remember that Professor Snape is very close to the Malfoy's and seeing Draco near death is very upsetting to him. However I must say he needs to keep a tight check on his thoughtless words."  
  
Dumbledore sat beside Harry. "I know you are still very angry with me for keeping things from you. I have deeply regretted those events. That's why I wanted to talk to you and tell you that what happened today was between Voldemort and myself. You are not to blame. If anything what happened today is a clear message that you need to continue with occlumency as soon as possible before Voldemort starts attempting to access your thoughts. I will be speaking with Professor Snape and taking turns staying with Draco."  
  
Harry shook his head. "He won't leave Draco and he won't want to teach me Occlumency again."  
  
Dumbledore sat back in the chair as he contemplated Harry. He was pale, looked weary and it was obvious the events at Hogsmeade had taken their toll on him. Memories of Sirius must have loomed up ten fold. He wondered if Harry would allow him to offer some comfort. He knew at the end of last school year Harry wouldn't have let him, he was too angry, too hurt and too betrayed. He certainly couldn't blame him for feeling that way.  
  
The boy sat there staring at the floor, his eyes vacant. Dumbledore put an arm around him. "Harry?"  
  
The green eyes looked up with mixed emotions, a touch of anger, hurt and masses of despair as he again looked down. "Come here." Dumbledore said softly opening his other arm, inviting him for a hug.  
  
For a split second Harry looked apprehensive, he still had mixed feelings about Dumbledore, still partially blamed him for Sirius' death, but he knew Dumbledore hadn't done it on purpose, Dumbledore had made mistakes, Dumbledore cared about him even if it was just because he was the prophesied saviour.  
  
He turned willingly into the warm embrace. Dumbledore rubbed small circles on his back while stroking Harry's hair with his other hand. "I felt very bad last school year for having to tell you about the prophecy and for not being able to console you over Sirius' death. I am hoping you will some day forgive me for that and understand that the last thing I intended was to cause you more pain."  
  
Tears welled up in Harry's eyes over the headmaster's words. He wrapped his arms around him and sank deeper into his robes to stifle the cry of despair welling up in him.  
  
When Harry's shoulders started to shake, Dumbledore tightened his hold. "I am so sorry Harry." He whispered.  
  
The last bit of control Harry had dissolved. "It's starting again, more people I know dying and I don't know how to stop Voldemort. I feel useless and stupid, it's my fault, I can't even master Occlumency yet, how am I supposed to stop him." He cried into Dumbledore's robes.  
  
A moment of anger surged up in Dumbledore when he thought of the damage Severus' angry careless words had caused.  
  
"You are making progress in occlumency, Professor Snape has told me that. You aren't alone, we are all fighting with you on this."  
  
"But the ultimate battle is between Voldemort and me." Harry replied in a tear choked voice.  
  
"Yes, I'm afraid so." His hand went to Harry's cheek and gently wiped away his tears.  
  
"Would you like to spend the night here? I'll transfigure this chair into a bed for you and allow you a spot of dreamless sleep potion."  
  
Harry nodded.  
  
Dumbledore created a warm flannel sheeted bed with a thick wooly comforter. He waited until Harry fell into an exhausted sleep, then angrily headed down to Snape's rooms. 


	40. The Potion Master’s Distress

A/N: I can't believe I did this. I actually made myself cry. Next chapter: Snape and Harry.  
  
THANK YOU TO ALL YOU WONDERFUL REVIEWER'S, VIRTUAL BUTTERBEER TO ALL OF YOU!  
  
Niora: Thank you so much, I'm sending virtual eyedrops, can't believe you read it all at once!  
  
Kara: Your english is fine. Wow all the way from Holland.  
  
Too lazy too sign in: I'm confused, Harry's abuse? Did you mean Draco? Please give me detail, I love knowing what you like.  
  
Snapefan: After you read this, tell me if you still want to kick Albus' butt?  
  
Wingfright: ok ok ok here's another fix (smiles)  
  
Ckat44: oooh I'm looking forward to reading your story.  
  
Draka Nova: Glad you like it, hope you aced all your assignments. Draco will likely, groggily start to come around in I think the chapter after the next one.  
  
Rubberduckie: awww puppy dog face gets me every time, ok here you go, Look for Snape to take some of the guilt off Harry in the next chapter.  
  
Chucklesevil troll312: 1)Yes Malfoy will live but he'll be going through some major angst in the next while. 2) He's got the power to wreak havoc at will. 3) nameless death eaters.  
  
Angela: Thanks for asking, I'm better but still angsty, still feel like I'm in limbo. Sending you virtual eyedrops, (smiles) that was a lot of reading.  
  
************************************ CHAPTER 40 - The Potion Master's Distress ************************************ Albus Dumbledore tore the door open to Severus Snape's rooms angrily wanting a word with him for once again being overly cruel. The sight that greeted him stopped him in his tracks.  
  
Snape was lying on the bed propped up against the headboard cradling Draco in his arms. His dark hair forming a curtain hiding his face as his forehead rested on Draco's blond head. The boy was obviously not conscious, however the slight rise and fall of his chest reassured Dumbledore that he was still alive.  
  
"Severus?" The dark head came up, the dark eyes wide with suffering.  
  
Every ounce of anger, Dumbledore had felt towards him vanished momentarily. Only one time many years ago had he seen Severus in such a state. The night he turned to the light.  
  
"I've tried everything, even the stopper in death potion but I'm losing him." Came Severus' strained voice.  
  
Concerned Dumbledore stepped closer and went to Draco's side. "Severus you need to lie him down on the bed, I'd like to examine him."  
  
The dark head shook "No."  
  
"Severus you need to let go of him for a moment." Dumbledore coaxed.  
  
The dark eyes squeezed shut. "He can't die like this, I need him to know that I care, that I would have done anything to prevent this."  
  
Dumbledore softly put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't give up on him. Draco knows how much you care about him." He assured him quietly.  
  
He shook his head but slowly got up gently laying Draco on the elevated pillows.  
  
Dumbledore listened to the pale boy's laboured breathing, felt his fevered forehead and his faint pulse. His hands hovered over Draco's chest. He started mumbling strange words that Snape had never heard. A silvery golden orb started forming between his hands. His eyes were closed tightly in concentration. His hands then turned palm down as the orb flattened and sank into Draco's chest. Breathing hard Dumbledore sat back.  
  
"What was that?" Came the choked voice. As Snape's dark eyes went soft with wonder.  
  
Dumbledore picked up Draco's hand holding it warmly in his own. "It is an ancient spell."  
  
"Will it save him?" Hope entered Snape's voice.  
  
"Severus I do not want to give you false hope. Whether or not it works depends very much on Draco's spirit. If his spirit still has enough strength and will in it, this will help him to fight to live. However I caution you, Severus, if his spirit is too tired and no longer wants to fight, then this will make his transition through the veil gentle and peaceful."  
  
Dumbledore's eyes were on Draco as he spoke but the soft sob from behind him drew his attention back to Snape.  
  
He had sunk to the floor hunched over, his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking.  
  
With a warm squeeze, Dumbledore lay Draco's hand back on the covers and went to sit on the floor beside his distraught potions master.  
  
He remembered how many years ago Severus Snape had been in shock after witnessing the murders of an entire muggle family complete with young children by a group of death eaters that he had been a part off. He had come to him that night begging for mercy after collapsing on the cold stone floors. Severus had let him comfort him that night. Severus had proven to be a valuable spy, loyal to the light, however his own violent childhood and his hard years at Hogwarts as a student had made him a bitter man, never welcoming love, comfort and barely friendship. He hated being touched and avoided physical demonstrations of friendship such as hugs like the plaque. After all these years Dumbledore had never completely been able to bring down Severus Snape's defenses and help him to become less bitter. His bitter defense shielded him like a kind of armor.  
  
Seeing him so devastated by Draco's injuries made him realize that love had indeed broken through those defenses. It was obvious that Severus cared about Draco like a son.  
  
Dumbledore's arm went around Severus' shaking shoulders.  
  
"I can't say anything right now that will made you feel better. What happened here isn't your fault. The death eaters wreaked havoc and must not have realized that Draco is the son of a death eater."  
  
Snape looked up, his eyes wild. "It was LUCIUS!"  
  
Dumbledore paled and grew quiet for a moment, thinking hard. "I know Lucius is a violent man but Draco is his son. Why would you think that Lucius did this?"  
  
Snape swallowed hard. "He's beaten Draco before but never like this. I don't know what prompted him to do this."  
  
"Are you sure this was Lucius?"  
  
"Positive."  
  
Dumbledore's gaze went back to Draco. "We will need to protect him. I won't allow him to be beaten again."  
  
Snape hoarsely replied, "if he lives."  
  
He sighed looking at Snape.  
  
"I want you to go into the other room, lie down and get some sleep. I will stay with Draco tonight. Tomorrow morning, I need for you to talk to Harry."  
  
Snape glanced up at him with a guilty look at the mention of Harry's name. He quietly asked, "How's Harry."  
  
Dumbledore's eyebrow went up and he sternly replied. "After being overcome by incredible guilt, he is currently asleep in my office. Your cruel vicious accusations have led to Harry feeling worthless, his defenses are virtually non existent and he now has enormous doubts that he can defeat Voldemort. Single handedly in one night you have devastated that boy just because you are upset and decided to lash out and take your pain and your frustration out on him. You promised me you wouldn't harm him!"  
  
The look on Dumbledore's face made Snape wince and look away.  
  
Dumbledore continued. "Severus you are an adult, I expect the students to on occasion lose control and say hurtful damaging things but you have let me down immensely. This isn't the first time you have taken your bitterness out on the students! You need to learn to control yourself before one of these days you cause permanent damage. Verbally abusing a child is on the same level as physical abuse. Both destroy the spirit. You are personally familiar with both, I would have expected better from you!"  
  
Snape inhaled sharply, he glanced up at Dumbledore with guilt heavy in his eyes, then quickly looked away again. He hated to see the disappointment in Dumbledore's eyes.  
  
"Tomorrow morning you will talk to Harry and you will give him an occlumency lesson. I expect you to fix the damage you have caused."  
  
Snape shook his head. "I promise I will talk to Harry and make things right but tomorrow I need to stay with Draco."  
  
"The other professors and I will stay with Draco, if there is any change in his condition we will immediately summon you."  
  
Snape's dark haunted gaze lit on Draco.  
  
"Severus?"  
  
"As you wish headmaster." Came Snape's tired response.  
  
"You need to get some rest. This has been an incredible shock for you. I know you are hurting and I will try to do everything in my power to help Draco but you need to take care of yourself and you need to reassure Harry."  
  
He got up and took Snape's arm. "Come, trust me, let me help you."  
  
A part of him wanted to tear away from Dumbledore's grasp but the other part wanted the help and comfort he offered.  
  
He got up and followed Dumbledore into the other room. Reluctantly he lay down on the comfortable sofa, Loki immediately jumped up on it. Dumbledore pulled a warm blanket over him. Loki curled up in the crook of his arm purring loudly.  
  
"Please wake me immediately if there is any change in Draco's condition. If he." Snape squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "If he starts to pass beyond the veil I want to hold him in those final moments. He needs to feel loved, he's had so little of that in his life." Snape's voice sounded heavy.  
  
"Shhh, Severus, I promise I will wake you. But there is still hope, focus on that as you fall asleep." Dumbledore stroked back the dark hair. "Draco is very lucky to have you in his life."  
  
He sat beside him until he fell asleep. Then he went and sat beside Draco, again taking his hand into his own. The boy's condition was very grave.  
  
He leant over him. "Come on Dragon, I know you can fight this. There is a lot of spirit in you, it has always strived for the dark side but I believe that something has changed and Lucius saw that. You have many people here at Hogwarts that will help you, especially Professor Snape who obviously loves you like a son. Fight Draco, please fight." 


	41. AWAKENINGS

A/N: I'll answer questions in the next chapter.  
  
THANK YOU AGAIN TO ALL THE WONDERFUL REVIEWER'S, Hmmmm this time CHOCOLATE FROGS FOR YOU ALL. Whoops, ONE JUST HOPPED OFF THE SCREEN! Sneak peak at chapter 42, Snape and Harry get to finish their talk before being interrupted.  
  
************************************************************* CHAPTER 41 - AWAKENINGS  
  
The following morning Severus awoke with Loki stretched out across his chest. He softly stroked the purring cat who stretched out and kneaded him with his front claws.  
  
Snape then got up and went into his bedroom. Professor Dumbledore was asleep in a chair beside Draco. Draco was still unconscious, his breathing still shallow and laboured. As he approached Dumbledore's eyes flew open amazingly alert. "He's still with us Severus."  
  
Snape gently applied a cloth soaked in cooling balm to Draco's forehead.  
  
Dumbledore got up. He put a hand on Snape's shoulder. "Sit with him for awhile. I'm going to check on Harry. I will get him to meet you in your office shortly. I'll arrange to have Minerva stay with Draco while I'm away."  
  
Snape nodded. "Thank you for staying with him last night."  
  
"Were you able to get some sleep?"  
  
Snape nodded again. "I'm feeling better." He looked at Draco. "I'm thankful he's still with us."  
  
"I promise you Severus, I will do everything my power to ensure that he continues to." Dumbledore vowed quietly.  
  
Harry awoke in Dumbledore's office. The events from the day before came rushing back. His heart fell to his toes. Colin and Padma were dead, and Draco may be as well by now.  
  
His thoughts were interrupted when the door opened and Dumbledore walked in. The headmaster looked worn and tired. "Harry, I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning?"  
  
Harry looked away.  
  
"Harry, please remember what we talked about last night. Yesterday's events were not your fault."  
  
Harry looked in the light blue eyes and nodded. "Thanks for letting me stay here last night." He put on his shoes.  
  
"Harry, after you get a bite to eat I need you to go down to Professor Snape's office for an occlumency lesson."  
  
"NO!" Harry shouted, then repeated "no" in a softer voice.  
  
"Yes!" Dumbledore responded firmly. "Professor Snape feels very bad for what he said yesterday. Harry you have to realize that even Professors are human and sometimes make mistakes and sometimes say things that we shouldn't. Professor Snape is extremely worried about Draco. He has known him since he was a baby. He looks upon him as Sirius looked upon you, almost as a son. He took out all his pain and worry on you yesterday and he feels very guilty for doing so. Please give him a chance to explain."  
  
Harry responded with reluctance in his voice. "I'll go to his office."  
  
"Thank you Harry."  
  
The green eyed gaze looked upon Dumbledore again. "How is Malfoy?"  
  
"His condition is still grave but he has made it through the night, so there is hope that he can recover."  
  
"Was Bellatrix Lestrange one of the death eaters yesterday?"  
  
Dumbledore nodded, "I am afraid she was, although she wasn't one of the two that killed Colin and Padma."  
  
"Who killed them?" Harry asked with anger in his voice.  
  
"No one that is familiar to you."  
  
"Where any of them caught?"  
  
"Yes, some of the aurors caught three death eaters. They have been transported to a new facility that is harder to break out of."  
  
Harry sighed.  
  
Dumbledore looked at him gently. "Please do not think about this. Concentrate instead on your occlumency lessons."  
  
Harry responded. "I'll try."  
  
He knocked on Snape's door and heard a quiet "Come in Potter."  
  
Reluctantly he entered.  
  
Snape sat behind his desk he beckoned for Harry to come and sit.  
  
"Potter, I want to apologize to you for the things I said yesterday."  
  
The dark eyes looked at him intently.  
  
Harry shrugged. "You're only saying this because Dumbledore made you."  
  
"No that isn't the reason. A minute after the words left my mouth I regretted them. You have to realize Potter that adults lash out sometimes too, we don't always mean what we say, sometimes we are upset, sometimes we are angry, sometimes we are sad. We aren't in some fairytale world of lollipops and sugarplums!"  
  
Anger flashed in Harry's eyes. "You always want everyone to treat you with respect but you never give any in return!"  
  
Snape looked at him oddly. "Were you not listening? Did I not just apologize!"  
  
Harry glared at him. "Fine."  
  
Snape took a deep breath. "I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour. None of what happened yesterday was your fault. In fact I thank you for coming to Draco's aid and for finding me as quickly as you did. If he lives it will likely be because of you and your friends."  
  
Harry looked startled; he hadn't expected Snape to say what he did.  
  
"I hope Draco will be all right."  
  
"Thank you." Snape eyes looked sad. "The headmaster thinks it is very important for you to continue occlumency. Do you feel up to it? Have you been practicing?"  
  
"I haven't had any more nightmares and I practice clearing my mind at night."  
  
"I think then it is time to move forward to some of your more painful memories because that is where the dark lord will strike, where you are most vulnerable." Snape said gently.  
  
Harry nodded feeling sick.  
  
Snape stood up, pulling out his wand.  
  
Harry got to his feet trying to clear his mind.  
  
"On the count of three, one two three legilimens."  
  
Harry heard his mother screaming, trying to save his life, and then he saw a green flash. In the next memory he heard Snape yelling: "GET OUT! If I hadn't had to spend so much time trying to teach you occlumency I would have been more aware of what the death eaters were up to and this wouldn't have happened and Colin and Padma would still be with us!"  
  
Harry had fallen to his knees. The incredible wave of guilt coursed through him.  
  
He felt Snape's hands on his shoulders and he tried to pull away.  
  
"Harry, I'm very sorry. Your mother would have killed me for having said that."  
  
Harry's eyes opened as he looked at Snape with shock. "Why would you care what my mother would have thought."  
  
Snape released him and sat back on his heels. He closed his eyes for a moment. "I have been debating whether to show you this but I think it is important for you to understand."  
  
He stood up. "Get up Potter."  
  
Confused Harry rose to his feet.  
  
Snape went over to his pensieve and pulled a strand of silver from it putting it back to his head. "Take out your wand, concentrate hard, you are trying to get into my mind. Look me in the eyes and shout legilimens."  
  
Harry shook his head. "I can't do that."  
  
"Why not? I won't fight you, it shouldn't be very difficult."  
  
"I'll end up seeing something that you don't really want me to see and then you'll get angry and I'll never make any progress in occlumency." Harry stubbornly replied.  
  
"Things I don't want you to see are safely stored in my pensieve, beside you have already seen part of this."  
  
Harry looked confused.  
  
"Just do it, I'll explain after."  
  
Harry looked into Snape's dark eyes. "Legilimens."  
  
Suddenly a cold feeling shot through his wand into his body, he saw Snape holding a woman, the same woman he saw last time. Professor Snape on his knees. Tears were running down his pale face as he sobbed, "I loved you, you'll never know. I'm so sorry." Snape's shoulders shook, his head fell as he pulled the limp form closer. Then suddenly he heard Snape sob "Lily."  
  
Stunned Harry waved the wand upwards lifting the spell.  
  
The woman that Snape loved was his mother? He stared at Snape who stood trembling and pale in front of him.  
  
"What were you, why?" Harry asked breathlessly. He felt as if someone was choking the oxygen out of him.  
  
"Come, sit down, I'll explain." Snape said in a strained voice.  
  
His chest hurt so much, he could barely breathe. He tried to move but daggers of pain coursed through him, he whimpered. He heard voices around him. A cool hand stroked his forehead and a warm hand gently rubbed his chest. He lifted his heavy eyelids to look into Professor Dumbledore's light blue eyes.  
  
Dumbledore smiled softly. "Nice to have you back Draco." He then turned to someone else. "Please get Professor Snape, he's in his office." He turned back to Draco. "I know you are in pain but all your wounds are healing, most will be fine by the end of the week, the only one that will cause you discomfort is the pain in your chest. Your lung had collapsed after your rib pieced it, we were all very worried about you but you are healing now, that wound in particular however because of its severity will take some weeks to heal thoroughly. You will need to get plenty of rest and not do anything strenuous. For now, though I want you to rest and take a sip of this strengthening potion."  
  
Draco felt Dumbledore's hand gently lift his head and drip a few drops from a vial down his throat. He grimaced when another pain shot through his chest. Dumbledore immediately put his hand on him and the warm sensations coming from it started to make the pain ebb a bit. His eyes closed again and he fell into a peaceful healing sleep. 


	42. variations of LOVE

A/N: LOL you certainly all have lots of questions, I'll try to answer them and make sense as I'm writing with a big mug of coffee with a generous dash of Bailey's, mmmm might make me a bit giddy. (giggles happily)  
  
THANK YOU AGAIN TO ALL THE WONDERFUL REVIEWS, What should I give you this time, ok ok Irish coffees for all so we can all be warm and giggly. Thanks to all who have just read the story for the first time, I'm sending VIRTUAL EYEDROPS to you in addition to the virtual irish coffee.  
  
Judging by all the reviews I've come to realize that Draco has quite a following. If JKR kills him or truly turns him to the dark, there will be many sad readers. I also love that some of you former Draco haters, love him in my fanfic. I don't like him in the books either but he's still young and still redeemable in my eyes even if JKR doesn't agree.  
  
Mr. Krum: THANK YOU SO MUCH, and I'm a girl.  
  
Kip: I am honoured!  
  
Too Lazy too sign in: I haven't figured out how to find Vampire Queen (you're just going to have to stop being lazy and sign in LOL). Harry wasn't abused by the Dursleys in mine, that must have been another story. He did take dreamless sleep potion in order to do better at occlumency.  
  
Lilia Snape: Ok Snape with Draco, nur fur dich (couldn't figure out how to do the little dots over the u.) well actually I already had that scene planned but we'll pretend. Leipzig, what is it like there? Mountainous or flat?  
  
Hogwarts, a history girl: Glad you love it but no there won't be any romance but definitely friendship between hg/dm. They'll have an angsty scene together again soon.  
  
JKH: Draco dreaming, well it's not night but yes he does have a dream, check below. Yes you will get a really good look at his inner turmoil in a couple of chapters. Feel free to glomp him.  
  
Droxy: re: Lollipops and sugar plums, actually made me laugh too when it popped out. No I won't let Draco die. Sometime in the new year I hope to have a black kitty again, he'll either be Boddhi or Loki. Hmmm what if Lucius nails Snape? Oh oh.  
  
Galadreial: Ok I'm going on memory here but I know you have to click onto the log in page at the top. Then document manager to download your story. Then I think it was create story and afterwards update/add new chapters as you get going (kind of hazy on this cause I can't remember exactly how I got on a new story but there should be instructions at that point) Good luck and I look forward to reading it!  
  
Skillz: yes blondie will make it-don't worry.  
  
Lyss33: Give it a try, I'd love to read it!  
  
Kangaroo-really??? LOL Harry saw the scene after Voldemort killed his mother, Snape found her body. The rest is explained below. Snape decided since he's been invading Harry's mind with legilimens, it would only be fair for Harry to use it on him. Snape is trying to rebuild the trust he had destroyed the day before. Don't worry Harry will come around after he cools off.  
  
Nana Hedwig: Snape's respect for Harry will grow in leaps in awhile. He'll really see who Harry is.  
  
Peikkolapsi: Thanks (blushing) but please write your own fanfic, I'd love to read it. Wow I got you liking the blond brat, you'll be feeling even sorrier for him in awhile.  
  
Ckatt44: Nope Snape is not Harry's father, well not in this fan fic anyway.  
  
Frogfoot: Wonderful to have you back!!! Don't worry Christmas will be warm and happy.  
  
Snapefan51: Just to be safe keep those Kleenex handy for the chapter after this one.  
  
Barbara Kennedy: Yes, I predict you might need more tissues.  
  
Blunt but honest: Glad you like it. I haven't used the program yet because I've been too busy between life and churning out chapters. When I'm all done, I'm planning on going back and editing all my chapters more thoroughly.  
  
Pip3: Yes Draco will live.  
  
Immortal Akasha: sorry no tears but I think you'll like a scene that will play out soon. Yes 'Loki's' are wonderful.  
  
Draco's Girl: Yes Harry and Draco will still have spats but an understanding will start to develop as Harry sees Draco's world and Draco sees Harry's. Draco's jealousy will ebb allowing him to feel empathy. No Snape only threatened Draco with the belt as a demonstration and reminder that punishment from him would never be like it was from Lucius. Now the backhanded slap that happened early on when Snape lost his temper will be explained in an upcoming chapter. Snape shouldn't have done that but it will be explained. ************************************************************  
  
SNEAK PEAK at chapter 43, hmmmm where has the potions master disappeared to? Ahem anyone remember the finger pointing banshee from Halloween night? (cackles evilly, she wasn't just a prop you know)  
  
************************************************************* CHAPTER 42 - VARIATIONS OF LOVE  
  
Snape sat down behind his desk looking more pale and wane than usual.  
  
Harry shakily sat down across from him.  
  
"Last year when you looked into my pensieve you saw your mother defend me when your father and his friends tormented me."  
  
Harry nodded, "Yes but you called her a mudblood! You were just like Malfoy when he calls Hermione the same thing!"  
  
"Yes I lashed out. But may I remind you that Ms. Granger helped Draco when he needed it? So did your mother when I needed help."  
  
Harry looked confused. "When?"  
  
Snape grew quiet, stonily looking at his desk.  
  
"Professor Snape?"  
  
Snape cleared his throat. "When I was 16, I received an owl from a neighbour telling me that my mother was dead. I went down to the lake and Lily came across me. I insulted her and tried to make her go away but she sat down beside me and started talking to me. I didn't tell her what had happened at first but she sensed things somehow and reached out to me. I finally told her." Snape grew silent for a moment, staring off at the wall behind Harry. "She was so warm, she had so much kindness.. I fell a little in love with her that day. During the year we studied together, I helped her with her potions studies and she helped me with divination. She actually tried to talk me out of becoming a death eater but I didn't listen, I thought it would give me all the power and control I wanted. When I took the dark mark our friendship ended. She told me she could not stay friends with someone who committed the horrible acts that death eaters did. She of course married your father after graduation. By the time you were a year old I had already turned spy for Dumbledore. When I heard of the Dark Lord's plans I immediately went to your house. I had hoped that somehow I could stop the Dark Lord. But I got there much too late."  
  
Snape closed his eyes for a moment and Harry could see how much the memory upset him. He cleared his throat again. "I never told your mother how I really felt about her. Seeing her lying there." He stopped and cleared his throat for the third time. "You may look a lot like James but you have your mother's compassionate spirit and her fiery temper. I've been seeing more and more of her in you.  
  
"So you and my mother were friends?" Harry asked in disbelief.  
  
"Yes." Came Snape's tired answer.  
  
"How did my father and Sirius feel about that?" he couldn't imagine either of them accepting Snape as Lily's friend.  
  
"They never knew."  
  
Harry swallowed. "Why did you let me see this memory?"  
  
"After all the times I've performed legilimens on you I thought it would be fair to let you perform it on me. After the things I said yesterday, I wanted you to see a memory that I have closely guarded and that no-one but you and I know about. In order to proceed with occlumency, I need you to trust me and I'm afraid I may have shattered that yesterday. You are after all Lily's son and I will help you in any way I can."  
  
"But all these years you have hated me because I reminded you of my father."  
  
Snape's dark eyes bore into him. "Yes that's true. Perhaps a part of me despised your father and his gang for years of misery they caused me and a part of me was jealous of James because Lily loved him. If things had been different" He paused for a moment in thought. "Nevertheless we need to move forward."  
  
Harry remained silent trying to digest all the information that Snape had just revealed. Anger welled up inside him when he thought of Snape's behaviour over the last 5 years.  
  
"If you truly loved my mother how could you be so unfair to me? You say my father made your life miserable well you did the same thing to me!"  
  
"I saved your life in your first year here and I likely saved your life last year when I told the order you were in trouble. It is still very hard for me to not think of your father when I look at you."  
  
Harry looked at him with anger flashing from his eyes. "I don' t know why you showed me that memory because it doesn't change anything." He got up to leave. Just then a knock came at the door.  
  
"Come in."  
  
Professor McGonagall walked in. "Severus excuse me but Draco is awake."  
  
Snape suddenly looked 10 years younger. He glanced at Harry. "I'm sorry Harry, but I need to go. Please continue to do the breathing exercises and clear your mind every night. You may be angry with me but I am trying to help you."  
  
With that he left the room and Harry sat down again for quite awhile trying to understand why his mother had befriended the man who had called her mudblood.  
  
*************************************************** ********  
  
Black smoke billowed around him stealing his breath, suffocating him. His lungs felt like they were on fire, he stumbled across the snow covered ground falling hard into the cold after tripping over something. He painfully pulled himself up looking back at what he had fallen over. His heart froze; lying on his back in the snow was Professor Snape. He fell to his knees beside him frantically looking for a pulse. There wasn't one, he was gone. The only person in the entire world who truly cared about him was dead. He awoke shivering violently. Someones arms were around him. "Shhhh, it's ok now, it's ok. Calm down Draco, you are safe, you are at Hogwarts, you just had a dream it's not real. Just try to breathe slowly."  
  
He realized it was Professor Snape and willed his weak arms to wrap around him, burying his face in Snape's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."  
  
"Draco, I'm the one who is sorry, I should have paid more attention. I should have forced you to go to the potions seminar. Here let me look at you." Snape pulled back. His hands went to Draco's face. "You don't know how good it feels to see you awake." Snape's voice sounded hoarse.  
  
Tears filled Draco's gray blue eyes. Snape's hand brushed his cheek. "Hush it's ok now, it's over and you made it through. It will take a bit of time but you will recover fully."  
  
"My father." Draco whispered.  
  
"I know. When I saw the wounds on your back I knew what had caused them. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you." Snape whispered his voice heavy with guilt.  
  
Draco blinked rapidly. Snape squeezed his hand reassuringly.  
  
"You are the only person" Draco whispered before the lump in his throat grew effectively choking him off from finishing his sentence.  
  
Snape stroked Draco's hair. "I'm not the only one. Believe it or not Granger, Potter and Weasley actually found you and helped save you. Professor Lupin and McGonagall all helped take care of you. Professor Dumbledore performed an ancient spell that I believe saved your life and brought you back to us."  
  
Draco squeezed his eyes shut. "Do they know?" Came the faint question.  
  
"Only the headmaster knows and perhaps McGonagall and Lupin. The others think the death eaters did it. The death eaters and dementors paid a visit to Hogsmead yesterday. Two students were killed. Everyone thinks that you were a victim of that attack."  
  
Draco's hand clung to his own. Snape could see how afraid and alone he felt right now.  
  
"We're all here for you. I won't allow this to happen again. Draco, I have to ask how did you end up running into Lucius?'  
  
Draco winced at his words. His breathing increased. "He sent me a letter. He said he missed me. I thought maybe the time in Azkaban had changed him. I wanted to see him and find out."  
  
Snape inhaled sharply. "I guess you found out the hard way that he hasn't changed."  
  
A sole tear rolled down Draco's cheek.  
  
"It's over and it doesn't matter now. Please if you ever feel inclined to do something like this again, come and talk to me or the headmaster. If you absolutely wanted to see Lucius I wouldn't have talked you out of it but I would have been nearby and I would have prevented you almost losing your life. I know Lucius has a cruel violent streak but I would never have thought he would almost kill you."  
  
"He just left me in the snow." Draco whispered.  
  
Snape saw the despair on Draco's face. "Don't think about it anymore right now. Concentrate on resting and healing. How is your chest feeling?"  
  
"Hurts." Draco responded hoarsely.  
  
"That's to be expected for now, it will take awhile. How about your back?" Snape asked gently.  
  
"Better, it doesn't hurt as much anymore."  
  
"Good I have a healing potion on it and some more will be put on tomorrow morning. How about your jaw and your wrist?"  
  
Draco lifted his wrist and flexed it slowly. "Both are still sore and stiff but they don't really hurt anymore."  
  
"We have to focus on bringing your fever down now, you were on the verge of getting pneumonia." Snape noticed Draco's eyelids falling shut, he realized the boy needed lots of sleep and the time span for being awake was brief. He stroked his warm forehead again and squeezed his hand. "Go back to sleep now, no more nightmares ok or I'll have to add dreamless sleep potion to all the other potions you are currently on. I'll stay here with you until you fall asleep."  
  
Draco smiled softly. He was so glad Professor Snape was here beside him.  
  
Just as he was falling asleep he heard the quiet whisper. "You are loved Draco." 


	43. Remembering

A/N: I Samhain cat, solemnly swear to never drink and download again!  
  
Hi all, so sorry for the mix up in chapters last time. I downloaded some future chapters in error that of course made no sense coming after chapter 41. Glad some of you liked them, now you'll just have to pretend you've never seen them before when they do come up. I realized my mistake after the first review and panicked (ha ha I guess I had my own angsty moment) and removed the chapter, then realized I should have just changed the contents, so after a series of errors and lots of time till it got fixed, the correct chapter went up. Albeit quite a few of you read the wrong chapters before the correction took place. Hope you enjoyed the correct chapter.  
  
I'll answer questions on the weekend, cause it's a very busy week for me, darn I have to play a social butterfly. And I won't be able to update again till likely Saturday.  
  
************************************************************* Chapter 43 - Remembering  
  
Snape sat by Draco's beside for awhile watching him sleep to ensure that he wasn't having any more nightmares. The boy slept peacefully with Loki curled around him, so he summoned Remus to stay with him for awhile.  
  
He went to his office telling no one of his plans. He sat down by his desk and wrote a letter to Dumbledore, to Harry and to Draco. He sealed them in an envelope addressed to each one in the event of his death. He then cast a charm on them that they could only be opened if he died.  
  
He went to stand in front of the large gargoyle on his desk taking out one tooth in its mouth. He brought out a tiny package and waved his wand over it bringing it back to its original size. He pulled it out of its container and felt the familiar tug of a port key.  
  
He arrived in the town of Willowwren. He made his way over to the small but lavish guesthouse of a wealthy shopkeeper, a man who was loyal to Voldemort.  
  
With a wave of his wand he caused the door to crash off its hinges and fall heavily to the ground. Lucius leapt to his feet pulling out his wand but he was too late as Snape with a flick of his own wand caused Lucius' to fly to him.  
  
The blond man's icy steel eyes narrowed as he looked into the dark angry eyes of his old friend.  
  
Before Lucius could say a word, Snape snarled "gaugario". With a gasp Lucius Malfoy fell to the ground groaning in pain as deep gashes appeared in his finally tailored clothes. He gasped "Stop Severus, please stop."  
  
Snape stood there silently watching waiting for Lucius to reach a point just shy of unconsciousness. Then he lifted the spell.  
  
Lucius trembled in agony. He eyes watered from the pain as he attempted to get to his feet. He failed and collapsed to the floor again. "Why?" He whispered.  
  
"To remind you, since you have forgotten how much it hurts to be beaten mercilessly." Snape towered over him, his face a dark mask.  
  
Lucius shuddered, his head falling on his arm as he took deep breaths.  
  
Snape continued in a soft dangerous tone, his eyes glinting without mercy.  
  
"How many countless times did you and I help each other to recover from the lessons our fathers taught us? How many potions did we brew on the side for our own personal use during holidays? How could you inflict that kind of pain repeatedly on your son?"  
  
Lucius winced, his voice strained as he answered. "I'm his father, if he needs to be taught a lesson it's my job to do so. I don't want you coddling him!" Lucius' eyes narrowed furiously at Snape.  
  
"I have never coddled anyone in my entire life. Unless you consider my attempts to save Draco's life as coddling!"  
  
Lucius spat out "Draco's life was never in danger. I heard voices when I left him, I'm sure he was immediately healed!"  
  
Snape glared and Lucius shivered. "As a result of your beating, one broken rib pierced his lung and another pressed against the other lung. You broke his ribs, his jaw and his wrist in addition to all the welts on his back. He is barely clinging to life, his life is currently a series of nightmares caused by the high fever that is consuming him."  
  
Lucius paled a fraction. He attempted once again to get up. This time he succeeded in getting to the sofa leaving a trail of blood that flowed from his wounds. "I'm sure with your help he will make a full recovery."  
  
"Don't be so sure, nothing I have used has helped. Are you proud of yourself, do you feel all powerful having nearly beaten your child to death? I'm sure Darius Malfoy always felt the same way after beating you" Snape smirked maliciously.  
  
A flash of fear split across Lucius' face. Snape realized he hadn't intentionally meant to almost kill Draco. "You will have no more contact with Draco, you will not write him any more letters, you will not see him unsupervised. He is under Hogwart's protection now but more importantly under my protection. If you ever hurt him again I will kill you!"  
  
Lucius snarled. "He is my son!" then before Snape had a chance to react Lucius reached under the sofa cushion and pulled out another wand shouting 'crucio' as he pointed it.  
  
Snape fell to the floor, his body in agony. It didn't last long as Lucius weakly ended the spell. The wand trembled in his hands. "Get out Severus!"  
  
Snape still had his wand in his hand and pointed it at Lucius.  
  
Bellatrix Lestrange entered the house seeing Lucius lying bleeding on the sofa with his wand out, she immediately hurled a curse at the man in front of him "Lightnatrus"  
  
A bolt of silver fire shot from her wand directly into Snape's back and through his heart. He crumpled to the floor.  
  
"You idiot, he's a fellow death eater!" Lucius snarled at her.  
  
"But he attacked you, you're bleeding." She response shrilly. "We were having a disagreement." He dragged himself off the sofa and fell to his knees in front of Snape. He listened for a heart beat.  
  
"You killed him. He has no pulse. Get into the kitchen and look in the jar over the sink. There is purple vial there bring it here!" Lucius ordered.  
  
"Damn you Severus! You're the only one at Hogwarts who will bother to try and save my heir, you cannot be dead!"  
  
When Bellatrix returned, Lucius grabbed the 'stopper in death potion' from her and immediately poured all of it down Snape's throat. He reclaimed his wand and pulled the port key container out of Snape's hand. He dropped it on Snape and with his wand opened it. Snape immediately disappeared.  
  
"Pomfrey the old bat can try and save him." He muttered. "Lestrange get over here and heal my injuries!"  
  
***********************************************************  
  
Draco whimpered. He felt so hot yet he couldn't stop shivering. He felt someone stroking his hair back as he opened his eyes. "There there Mr. Malfoy, Professor Lupin and I are trying to bring down your fever, it's escalated again. Professor McGonagall explained.  
  
He felt sick and ached all over. He realized he was lying on some icy cold blanket and another covered him. "I want Professor Snape." He demanded hoarsely.  
  
"Professor Snape needed to do some work, he asked Professor Lupin to stay with you but Professor Lupin had to meet with the headmaster. I've been worried about you so I wanted to see if I could help you."  
  
Draco closed his eyes feeling wretched.  
  
He felt McGonagall take his hand patting it lightly. "Try to sleep child, you'll feel better soon."  
  
There was so much sympathy in her voice. Draco turned away biting his lip.  
  
"We were required to contact your mother to let her know what had happened to you. She sends her best for a quick recovery."  
  
Draco snorted as he opened his eyes again. "She didn't care enough to come did she?" He remarked sarcastically.  
  
McGonagall squeezed his hand tightly. "It doesn't matter, we are all here for you."  
  
He squeezed his eyes shut again. For some reason Weasley's mother popped into his head. He was always jealous of how warm and caring she was to her children. With a slight shaky inhale of breath, he closed his eyes tightly again.  
  
To his immense surprise he felt a soft hand stroke his cheek. He opened his eyes looking into McGonagall's sympathetic worried eyes. "Sleep child. Why don't you pretend it's a wonderful warm day, you are playing Quidditch and you spot the snitch. . . ." McGonagall went on to describe how he chased it and ultimately caught it. He turned towards her and drifted off to sleep dreaming about the golden snitch.  
  
************************************************************* Harry was still very angry at Snape. He went out into the cold and went down to the lake.  
  
"Sirius, Snape was friends with my mother, can you believe that?" He whispered out into the cold air. He closed his eyes tightly and laughed hoarsely. "No of course you can't because you're not even here for me to talk to anymore. It's been six months since you." He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence; the horrible ache welled up in him again.  
  
He missed talking to him so much. His throat closed. "Why did you have to die, why did the one person I could talk to about anything have to die?" The terrible pain in his heart welled briefly before he shook his head trying not to think about Sirius's death.  
  
His thoughts wandered to Snape. Did he really try to help him today? Had he really not meant to blame him for what happened at Hogsmead? He remembered the sorrow he felt when he saw Snape's memory. He wondered if Snape felt his sadness and pain and anger when he performed legilimens on him? He kept thinking about Snape and how upset he had been when he looked in his pensieve. Yet today he offered an up close and personal memory willingly. Was it truly because he wanted for him to trust him? He got up and headed to Snape's rooms. He knocked on the door.  
  
"Come in." Came Professor McGonagall's voice.  
  
He entered and walked into the bedroom. Professor McGonagall was sitting beside Draco.  
  
"How is he?"  
  
She smiled softly at him. "He's fighting a fever but he is doing better. You really shouldn't be here, Professor Snape didn't want visitors for him yet. I've had to threaten Mr. Crabbe and Mr. Goyle and Miss Parkinson with detentions if they didn't stop hanging around."  
  
"Maybe it would help him to know his friends care."  
  
"No, not until he's stronger. I have to agree with Professor Snape on this."  
  
Harry nodded. "Do you know where Snape is?"  
  
"Professor Snape needed some time to do some work in his office. I'll tell him you are looking for him when he comes back here."  
  
Harry nodded listlessly.  
  
"Are you feeling all right, you look a little pale?" She asked concerned.  
  
He smiled softly. "Thanks, I'm ok." He left and headed for Snape's office. 


	44. nurture

A/N Thanks to all of you!!! I'm sending virtual magical chocolate dipped shortbread this time (it's magical because it just keeps multiplying)!  
  
Crystal113: Yes & Yes  
  
Nana Hedwig: hmm all of this just might add up to a bad nightmare for Harry.  
  
Dilligas: Wow Virtual eyedrops for you. THANKS for all the gushing, I'm very honoured.  
  
Hermione Green: Since Snape actually 'died' if only for a short while, the spell on the envelopes was broken.  
  
Heather Snape: Yes but only the one addressed to himself.  
  
Kateri1: Just upset.  
  
Arafel2: Harry will only read the one addressed to himself.  
  
Immortal akasha: screams no don't hang Harry-he'll have a sore throat (grins)  
  
Anifan1: I really like getting them out first as an acknowledgement of my gratitude. I've been putting a line of stars in front of the start of the chapters for people who want to bypass, they can just space down.  
  
Foxy wolf: WOW thank you, virtual eyedrops to you, I will check out your story this weekend.  
  
Juxtaposed: Virtual eyedrops for you too. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I loved your long long review. Means a lot.  
  
Eos elleous: Yes Hermione will, No crabbe and goyle won't because Draco doesn't want to see anyone. He's going to be VERY upset shortly.  
  
*************************************************************  
  
Chapter 44 - nurture  
  
Harry was determined to see Snape. He didn't care if Snape was angry at the interruption. He knocked on the door. There was no answer. He knocked again. With a sigh of frustration he walked away. 'Hang on, I'll leave him a note,' He thought to himself. He went back knocked again then entered the dark office. He headed to the desk and stopped in shock. Professor Snape lay on the floor in front of his desk.  
  
"Professor Snape?" Harry yelled as he dropped down to his knees beside him. Snape looked gray, he had that same terrible pallor as Draco had when they first found him.  
  
He put his hand to his neck, his heart leaped in shock. There was no pulse. Shaking, Harry panicked for a second, then ran to the fireplace.  
  
He poked his head in "Professor Dumbledore, Lupin, McGonagall HELP! Come to Snape 's office immediately, I think he's dead!"  
  
With his heart beating painfully, Harry ran back to Snape. He had barely knelt down to him when Dumbledore and Lupin appeared out of the fireplace.  
  
"Harry what happened?"  
  
"I don't know, I came to find Professor Snape and I found him like this. He has no pulse, he's he's." Harry couldn't finish. Lupin put his hands on Harry's shoulders.  
  
Breathing fast, Harry watched in awe as Dumbledore formed a red black orb between his hands then turned his hands down and pushed the orb into Snape's heart. He sat back trembling.  
  
"Are you ok Albus?" Lupin asked.  
  
Dumbledore looked exhausted. "It's not me you need to worry about. Professor Snape is no longer with us yet he has not passed beyond the veil. Someone cast a lightnarius spell on him and it has stopped his heart. The lightnarius spell is akin to a bolt of lightening. This would have killed him within minutes but it appears that someone gave him the stopper in death potions which has resulted in Professor Snape spirit hovering between life and death."  
  
Harry swallowed heavily. "Will he live?"  
  
Lupin squeezed his shoulders reassuringly.  
  
"I do not know Harry. It is out of our hands. "Dumbledore sat there numb with his hand on Snape's forehead gently stroking the black hair. *************************************************************  
  
Professor McGonagall sped out of Snape's room towards his office when she ran into Hermione.  
  
"Please Professor, I know he can't have visitors but can you tell me how he is?"  
  
"Ms. Granger, I have to be somewhere, please stay with Mr. Malfoy until I return, if he wakes up try to get some broth into him if his stomach can handle it."  
  
Hermione was stunned. Something was obviously wrong. She headed into the office wondering why Professor McGonagall was in such a hurry.  
  
Malfoy was asleep with a large furry cat curled up by his legs. He was still very pale but there was faint flush in his cheeks. His hand was flung out and Hermione took it into her hand. She had gotten updates about his condition from Professor McGonagall. She knew he had improved and they were sure he would live but they needed to bring down his fever and that he wouldn't be completely healed until sometime early in the New Year.  
  
She sat back looking at him. He was a strange boy. There were times she hated him so much because he could be so cruel and malicious. Yet in the last few weeks she had caught glimpses of another side of him, a more vulnerable troubled side that hinted at things that weren't quite what they seemed. He looked almost angelic lying there his face turned towards her.  
  
He coughed slightly and opened his eyes. He looked startled at first, then the famous Malfoy sneer came into place. "What are you doing here?" He asked hoarsely. He pulled his hand out of her grasp.  
  
"I came to see how you were and Professor McGonagall asked me to stay till she came back."  
  
He glared at her resentfully. "I don't need a babysitter."  
  
"Well obviously you do or Professor McGonagall wouldn't have asked." Hermione stated matter of factly. "She also told me if you woke to get you to drink some broth. Do you think you could keep it down?"  
  
"I don't want any." He quietly said. He wasn't sure if it would stay down and he didn't want to be sick in front of her.  
  
She sensed he was worried. "How about just two sips, it would help you to recover quicker and gain your strength back." She suggested softly.  
  
He shrugged and nodded nonchalantly.  
  
She filled up a quarter cup from the kettle McGonagall had beside the bed. Draco lifted himself but the pain in his chest made his eyes blur.  
  
"Draco are you all right?" Came Hermione's soft inquiry.  
  
He inhaled sharply, the pain still radiating. She grabbed a pillow from somewhere and put it behind his back. His white knuckled hands firmly grasped the mattress.  
  
Hermione put his hand on top of the one closest to her. This time Draco didn't pull away. His breathing was ragged for a moment or two, and then he started to relax against the pillows.  
  
She pulled her hand away and handed him the broth. He looked at it warily then with a shaky hand tried to grasp it. Hermione kept her hand on it as he brought it up to his mouth. He finally let go of it as his hand trembled so much he made the cup shake. He let Hermione lift it to his lips. He took a swallow. "There you are, now just one more. Good."  
  
The warm liquid felt good going down his throat. For a moment anyway, then an incredible nausea swept over him. He winced and doubled over. Hermione grabbed a vial off the nightstand and forced his head back pouring ¼ of it into his mouth. "It's ok this will settle your stomach."  
  
Taking a shaky breath, his stomach started to calm down. He wearily closed his eyes.  
  
"Draco you need to lie down again." Too tired to argue, he carefully sank down. Hermione removed the excess pillows. She pulled the blanket of frost over him.  
  
"No" he whispered.  
  
"It's to bring your fever down, Professor Snape conjured them up." She felt his forehead; it was too warm yet at the same time Draco shivered.  
  
Hermione decided that the one he was lying on was likely helpful in controlling his temperature. She took the top one off and pulled the warm soft comforter over Draco.  
  
"Better?"  
  
He nodded keeping his eyes closed. She gave his arm a soft squeeze realizing how sick he really still was and that despite all the magic he would need a lot of help over the next while. When his breathing evened out, she realized he had fallen asleep.  
  
*************************************************************  
  
Professor Snape lay in the hospital ward. Harry sat beside him wondering why he felt so worried about the man lying in front of him. He hated Snape and Snape hated him, at least that's what he kept telling himself. He knew that deep down he no longer hated Snape, he actually liked him at times. He remembered when Snape had comforted him down by the lake. He had almost believed that Snape actually cared that day. That feeling disappeared of course when he put all the blame of the events of Hogsmeade on him, yet he had apologized and even let him see his memory of his mum. Somehow during the course of occlumency lessons he had grown to depend on Snape's presence.  
  
"Potter, you need to get some rest. The headmaster and I are here to keep an eye on him." Professor McGonagall said as she sat beside him.  
  
"I'm almost afraid to leave, that he'll be gone before morning." Harry voiced his concerns softly.  
  
"If he is meant to go, you being here or not won't be a factor. Professor Dumbledore looks upon Professor Snape almost as a son, they've had a very tenuous relationship at times but both of them care very much. Dumbledore will do everything he can to help him live."  
  
Harry nodded staring at the terrible black mark on Snape's chest. It was where the spell had hit. He had the same terrible mark on his back.  
  
"Was it one of the death eaters?" He asked quietly.  
  
"It likely was." McGonagall answered.  
  
"Who is staying with Malfoy? Is he being brought up here?"  
  
"No, he must not be told about Professor Snape's condition, it would be a set back in his recovery. Professor Lupin is staying with him right now. Ms. Granger stayed with him for a short while till Lupin took over. Now I really must insist that you to go to bed. You have classes tomorrow."  
  
He got up reluctantly. "Good night."  
  
She smiled at him sadly.  
  
Harry however did not go straight to the Gryffindor tower. He went back down to Snape's office instead. The events of the last two days had haunted him and he wanted a quiet place to think. He went into the darkened room an illuminated a candle on Snape's desk. He sat down and replayed all the conversations they had had. His eyes narrowed when his gaze fell on an envelope marked Harry. He picked it up. 


	45. Harry's Letter

A/N: For anyone who is confused by Snape's 'death' and the fact the letters can be opened. Remember the banshee from All Hallow's Eve? She predicts death and for all intent and purpose Professor Snape died, he would have stayed dead if Lucius hadn't administered the 'stopper in death' potion. If anyone has ever taken CPR, they know because a CPR instructor likely told you, that a person who's heart has stopped is technically dead, it is only by miracle that some can be resuscitated by CPR. The stopper in death potion became the CPR, sometimes a miracle happens, and sometimes it doesn't (and of course it will in this case, I wouldn't kill off Snape)  
  
THANK YOU EVERYONE, Spiked eggnog for all, just a little for me, not enough for anymore uploading mistakes (still grinning embarrassedly).  
  
Foxywolf: I forgot to read your story, I AM SO SORRY, I will soon, I promise! Yes Draco and Hermione will just be friends in this story but you can always use your imagination to what could happen after (smiles).  
  
Crystal: Yes Draco finds out, yes the trio finds out. As for the shortbread, you just need to utter the spell "shortbreaddisapearius"  
  
Heretic Angel: I know it hurts so badly, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I lost a dear friend a few years ago, she was gone from one minute to the next. I think some of my unresolved feelings from past losses surface a lot in this story.  
  
Dilligas: Every Hour??? Awwwww you're killing me, the pressure the pressure (grins)  
  
Marauder Moony: sigh all right all right, I'm being nice (this time) no cliffie.  
  
Kangaroo: nope not an item, nope neither will die. Yes next chapter re: Snape/dumbledore.  
  
************************************************************* Chapter 45- Harry's Letter  
  
He picked up the letter and read what Snape had written on the cover. "To be opened in the event of my death" it was obvious by the way the envelope glittered that he had put a spell on it, likely one that would keep it sealed while he was alive. He knew since Snape had technically died, if even for a few moments, that the spell was likely broken.  
  
With trembling hands he ripped it open.  
  
"Harry, I know this sounds strange to you since I usually call you Potter but Harry had started sounding a bit more comfortable, especially for the purpose of this letter.  
  
First let me reiterate that under no circumstance should you blame yourself for Hogsmeade, it was not your fault. Diggory's death and Black's death are also not your fault, nor for that matter is mine.  
  
I know you are still suffering over Black's death, I know how that feels as I also know this Christmas will likely be very hard for you. You asked me once when does losing someone get easier and I snapped at you 'never'. That isn't quite true. While the actual pain of that loss never leaves you, the ache does diminish over time. We are all here only for awhile.  
  
I've included something for you that I've kept all these years and it is very precious to me. Your mother wrote this after our first real talk down by the lake. I thought perhaps it might offer you some comfort as it did me at the time.  
  
I am sorry I will not be there when you continue Occlumency lessons and when you conquer the skills needed to ward off legilimens. I know it will happen soon. You are strong but in order to be at your strongest you will need to stop shutting out those who care about you. Talk to them, share your fears about the prophecy and your fears regarding them. Don't make the same mistake I have made, tell those you love how much you care.  
  
I leave here asking a favour of you and your friends. Draco is going to need you. My goal was to keep him from becoming a death eater, please help me to achieve that. Draco still I believe deep inside thinks power is the ultimate goal. Dissuade him from that in whatever means necessary. He will I believe be devastated by my death, you who are no stranger to grief can commiserate with him. Perhaps together you can find the strength to fight for the light.  
  
Harry, I have complete faith in you that you will be able to defeat The Dark Lord. You are a special young man and many love you, don't ever forget that love.  
  
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to see Lily in you. She would have been so proud." It was signed "Professor Severus Snape"  
  
Harry hadn't even realized that tears coursed down his cheeks. He quickly wiped them away. He sat still for a moment clutching Snape's letter. He realized suddenly because it had happened so slowly that he cared more for Snape than he ever thought possible. Through the Occlumency Snape had been privy to his deepest fears, strongest emotions and most personal thoughts. He had become his confidant and if the died, he would miss him.  
  
Through bleary eyes, Harry saw two other letters. One addressed to Dumbledore and one to Draco. But his attention went back to the envelope. He knew his mother's letter was still in there and he was almost afraid to open it. Lost words from his mother were precious. His hands shook considerably when he pulled out the letter.  
  
It was old and slightly yellowed; yet apparently had been lovingly preserved over the years. He held it up to his nose it was slightly scented of summer lilies. "Dear Severus,  
  
I just wanted to say again how sorry I was to hear about your mother and what your father did. What a horrible childhood you must have had.  
  
If you ever just want to talk or go for a walk I am here for you, you need never be alone. Don't worry about James or Sirius' reactions. Who I choose to be friends with is none of their business.  
  
I want to reassure you that everything you told me yesterday will stay in the strictest confidence. I am very honoured that you trusted me enough to tell me.  
  
I am so sorry your mother died and in such a terrible manner. Whenever you think of your mother or anyone else who you have lost, look to the stars. I like to think of them as peepholes into heaven, where the light of those we have loved and lost still shines through on us as a message to us that they will always love us and that they are happy.  
  
Till the next time, Your friend Lily"  
  
In the envelope was a small silver luminescent star. Harry picked it up and it shimmered magically in the candlelight. He carefully put it back into the envelope and with a soft sob his head dropped to his hands.  
  
He sat that way for a long time. When the room grew cold, he finally got up and went over to the desk. He picked up the letter to Dumbledore but he left the one to Draco. Draco was too sick to see it.  
  
He made his way back to the hospital ward.  
  
As he walked in Professor McGonagall stood up.  
  
"Mr. Potter, you should have been in bed hours ago, what do you think you are doing." The stern look on her face softened a bit as Harry came closer.  
  
He looked at her and cleared his throat. "I thought you could give this to Professor Dumbledore, I found it in Snape's office."  
  
"Potter?" She got up and went over to him peering intently at him. "What is it?"  
  
Harry shook his head, the lump in his throat too large to reply. He looked over at Professor Snape. He looked no better, still pale as death.  
  
"Did Professor Snape write you a letter also?" She asked softly.  
  
He looked back at her with sorrowful eyes.  
  
"Yes" he responded hoarsely.  
  
"You know we are all doing what is necessary. We are trying everything to save Professor Snape's life."  
  
Professor McGonagall looked at Harry. Her heart went out to him; he had been through so much. A childhood spent with those horrible muggles, then Diggory's death right in front of him and Sirius' death just 6 months ago.  
  
He and Severus must somehow have reached an understanding. She could tell that Harry cared. He had that same hollow look about him that had tugged at her heart the night of Diggory's death and at the end of last school year.  
  
"There, there Potter, don't look so sad. We haven't lost Professor Snape yet. You know how ornery he is he'll fight with every ounce in him and we'll aid him in that fight." She said softly.  
  
Normally she never let her maternal instincts surface in the day to day teachings at Hogwarts but in Potter's case she couldn't help herself. The orphaned boy had brought out a protective instinct from the 1st time she had laid eyes on him as a wee boy in Hagrid's arms.  
  
She had had many a fight with Albus over Harry's treatment by the muggles but it always came down to the protection of his life.  
  
She reached out and put her hands on his shoulders. "Do you find yourself caring more for Professor Snape then you thought you did?"  
  
He hoarsely cleared his throat. "He wrote a lot of really nice things." His voice grew faint at the end.  
  
"I know Professor Snape can be unfair at times, he lashes out and says things he shouldn't. I have known him for a long time, underneath all that cold, controlled exterior he is a wounded soul." She smiled softly "He would be so angry if he heard me telling you that but you need to look past all the hostility on the outside and see the real man underneath. I've seen a different side of him when he is around you."  
  
She put her arm around him and led him over the bed beside Snape. She sat down beside him.  
  
"Remember when you were last here? I can't tell you how delighted I was to walk in and find Professor Snape feeding you oatmeal. He was rather embarrassed at having been caught but I know how many hours he sat by your bedside and how many other sleepless hours he searched the forbidden forest for herbs to calm your stomach. He cares about you Potter. Take to heart what he has written you and realize he likely cares even more than he was able to put into words."  
  
Harry's green gaze left Professor Snape's face and looked up at her. He swallowed heavily and blinked rapidly before his gaze fell to the floor as he nodded.  
  
She hugged him close and gave him a quick kiss on his forehead.  
  
He smiled at her softly. "Is there anything I can do to help him?"  
  
"Well, there is a potion that needs to be brewed that might help heal the damage to his heart. Madame Pomfrey won't be back for a few days yet and Professor Snape has none in his potions storage. Perhaps you and Ms. Granger can start the work on it and the rest of us will help once you have the ingredients."  
  
Harry nodded, looking a little more hopeful. "I would feel so much better if I could do something to help."  
  
"Ok then tomorrow morning in the time you usually have double potions, you and Ms. Granger can start to work on it. But right now I insist you go to bed, immediately. No stops on the way."  
  
He sighed. "Yes Professor McGonagall, I promise." He got up and after one more glance at Snape, went to the Gryffindor tower. 


	46. Another Letter, a nightmare and a confro...

A/N: Yikes I'm not quite sure where I'm going to be with this story by Christmas but hopefully I can add some festiveness in it. THANK YOU EVERYONE, oooeey goooey virtual Tiramisu for all. Ok the part in Snape's letter about the murder will be explained later, in a conversation he has with Draco.  
  
Heretic Angel: Glad that you're feeling a tad better. Vent anytime you feel the need. I will read your story(s) during the holidays, sooner if I can.  
  
Draka Nova: They will talk hopefully before the New Year (I'm trying), a little today but there is still much hostility. Lucky you re: Snow day.  
  
Wavey Avey: You'll likely be needing more tissue.  
  
Cry 4 me: virtual eyedrops for you, THANK YOU.  
  
Galadreial: I LOVE Johnny Depp. He was yummy in Chocolat (sexy gypsy boy) and hilarious in the Pirates-do you know he based his character partially on Pepe Le Peu? He is such a character. I also loved him in Edward Scissorhands. I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time with your stepmom. Just think though she did apologize which means she is at least trying, so try to give her a little credit for that. Since you are a writer have you thought of perhaps writing her a letter (kind of like Snape did with Harry) and tell her how she makes you feel sometimes? Let her know how much she hurts you? Let her know you want the relationship to work. Let her know how you feel left out when she favours your stepsister. Sometimes we expect people to know how we are feeling but in reality they haven't a clue. I had a huge fight with my mother a few years ago and we didn't talk for 2 months but we did eventually iron it out by talking. If the letter doesn't work, would talking to your dad help? Make sure you talk about what's going on, the worse thing is keeping things bottled inside. I hope things improve really soon, let me know. (sends virtual hug)  
  
Chrissie: OMG I can't believe I did that, sneak peak, LOL and I'm an English major! Yikes. Thanks for bringing it to my attention (geez I can't even blame it on the Bailey's). Cattle prod??? Ok ok so here's another chapter (grins). Thanks for the kind thoughts, I miss my fuzzball so much and Yes I am like you I have zillions of pics. I look at him often.  
  
Xikum: you are psychic, Draco will still be feeling quite sick but he will help with the potion.  
  
Kangaroo: Snape won't be out for too long. He's a quick healer, I mean Christmas is coming he can't miss it.  
  
Arafel: so was return of the king good? I loved the first one, wasn't fond of the second, love Aragon, although, Gollum creeps me out, actually makes the hair on the back of my neck curl.  
  
Anora: not for awhile yet, but likely before the New Year. I'm trying, I got delayed a bit.  
  
chuckleseviltroll312 : answers: today. Re: Ron, he's around but not all that concerned about Draco yet. Crabbe and Goyle tried to see Draco but McGonagall wouldn't let him. Remember when Lucius was beating him he mentioned Crabbe and Goyle had ratted on Draco to their parents when they found him with Hermione in Hagrid's cabin, so Draco isn't feeling all that fond of them and he's too traumatized to really want to see anyone. If you have more questions, fire away.  
  
Snapefan: He'll wake soon, I promise.  
  
Enahma: I finally found your review again. Just wanted to say thanks and I fixed that glaring error. I can't believe I had forgotten that. A big THANK YOU for pointing it out.  
  
************************************************************* Chapter 46- Another Letter, a nightmare and a confrontation  
  
"Any change?" Albus asked as he walked back into the hospital ward.  
  
"No, I'm afraid not. How's Mr. Malfoy?" Minerva asked  
  
"Sleeping quietly. Remus said that Hermione was able to get a few sips of broth into him although without a potion directly afterwards he would have been sick. We need to coax him to take more nourishment and monitor the nausea." Albus said as he sat down by Severus' bedside.  
  
"Now Minerva, I insist you get some rest. I want to stay with Severus, Remus will stay with Draco for tonight."  
  
Minerva frowned. "Dumbledore you need to rest also."  
  
"Stop fussing, I promise I will get some rest." Albus smiled at her softly.  
  
She patted his shoulder. "Potter came by, it seems Severus wrote him a letter and also wrote you one." She handed it to him.  
  
"Is Harry all right?" Albus asked concern heavy in his quiet voice.  
  
"He's a bit shaken and very worried."  
  
"Another reason for you to go to the Gryffindor tower in case he needs you."  
  
"All right Albus, you win. Call me if you need me." She looked at Severus and squeezed his hand. "Come back to us soon Severus."  
  
Later long after Minerva had left, the headmaster opened the letter.  
  
Dear Albus, calling you by your first name had never been comfortable for me, despite your repeated assurances to use it. You have always been Professor Dumbledore or the headmaster to me, my mentor and I am sorry to never have told you in person, my savior.  
  
If you hadn't shown me so much mercy so many years ago, I am certain I would have died long ago. Your kindness, your support and you guidance have meant more to me over the years than you'll ever know. You are far more of a father to me than my real one ever was. You forgave me even when I committed murder. I know I have disappointed you greatly at times yet aside from a few disapproving words you never gave up on me. I am grateful for that.  
  
I know you weren't feeling all that fondly of me whenever my old feelings of what James Potter and his gang did influenced how I treated Harry. Now that I have gotten to know Harry better I've come to realize what a special young man he is becoming and you were right about him. I let hatred and jealousy interfere with my judgement. I am sorry.  
  
Expressing feelings is not something I am skilled at, and it is something you need to coerce Harry to do. He has still not told anyone about the prophecy nor his fears about it. He isolates himself when he needs those who love him the most. Deep down I know he still feels very betrayed by you, you need to be especially supportive of him now, let him know how much care and how much you love him."  
  
Albus stopped reading for a moment stroking Snape's forehead wishing the dark eyes would open.  
  
"Yes Severus, I do care immensely for Harry as I do for you. When you came to me years ago my heart went out to the lonely abused child who had lost the only person who had loved him. I took you in, I gave you a job and a home of sorts. I have cared about you and worried over you as if you were my son. " He put his hand on the unconscious man's chest willing warmth into him. The black mark from the spell was etched into his chest, he felt cold to the touch.  
  
He started reading again.  
  
"I need you to take care of Draco. You know it is my greatest wish to keep him away from the dark side. He has been raised all his life to believe that power is the only thing that has any worth. He is slowly moving away from that belief but he will need a lot of encouragement and support. He will need especially your support. Please befriend him and make sure he understands that he can come to you. He has never had love in his life, he needs it.  
  
You must understand and forgive me as to why I did what I did. I could not let Lucius believe that he could ever do this to Draco ever again. I knew it would be dangerous but I had to take the risk to ensure his future safety. Draco is under your care now.  
  
Thank you again Albus for all that you have done. I know you and Harry will eventually defeat the dark lord. Know that my spirit is with you.' Severus  
  
Dumbledore closed his eyes letting the tears roll down his ancient face. Just when Severus was finally starting to lose some of his bitterness, this had to happen to him.  
  
*************************************************************Harry had gone into the Gryffindor common room. It was late and everyone was in bed. He lay down on the sofa in front of the fireplace and drifted off into an exhausted sleep.  
  
It was dark but warm in the room he found himself in, he heard distant voices. He turned around to see Snape standing there with a surprised look on his face just before he crumbled onto the floor. Behind stood Bellatrix Lestrange with her wand out. Snape fell as if dead at her feet.  
  
He awoke with a start, breathing rapidly. What had just happened? Was that what had happened to Snape or did he mix up what had happened to Sirius?  
  
"Potter, what are you doing out of bed!" Came Professor McGonagall's stern voice.  
  
"Sorry I must have fallen asleep here."  
  
"Are you all right, you look upset?" She asked her tone softening.  
  
"I'm fine." He assured her. "I'll go to bed now."  
  
"You do that Potter, pleasant dreams."  
  
As soon as McGonagall had gone to her room, Harry snuck back down. He couldn't get the dream out of his head and wanted to make sure Snape was still alive. He resolved to just take one quick look to assure himself and then he would come right back up to bed.  
  
*************************************************************When Draco awoke he found Professor Lupin beside him.  
  
"What are you doing here?" He asked hoarsely.  
  
I'm just making sure you are all right." Lupin answered.  
  
"Where's Professor Snape?"  
  
"He's sleeping. He's been with you for most of the time so we're taking turns."  
  
"I want to see him."  
  
"Shhhh it's late, you'll see him tomorrow." Lupin lied, wondering how they were going to explain Snape's absence tomorrow. Perhaps Draco would sleep for great lengths of time as he had today and they could work with that. If not they might need to give him a sleep draught.  
  
The blond teenager's icy gaze narrowed at him. He could tell Draco was suspicious but also too weak to do much about it. As Draco's eyes closed again Lupin waited for a few moments then headed down to Snape's office to find a vial of sleeping draught in case it came in necessary.  
  
Draco pretended to be asleep. When he heard Lupin leave he gingerly got out of bed. He almost collapsed in a heap on the floor. The pain in his chest was excruciating making him groan out loud. Loki looked at him worriedly. "I'm ok, just stay there, I'll come back in a minute."  
  
Panting hard he put on his robe and made his way into Snape's living room. He had expected to find Snape asleep on the sofa but he wasn't there.  
  
He started to worry. Where was he? Why was everyone being secretive? Had something happened to Snape? Very slowly, stopping to rest every few feet or so he made his way to the hospital ward. Hogwarts was virtually deserted at night. When a coughing fit overcame him he had to stop and try to catch his breath. His eyes kept watering from the pain and the nausea returned. Finally feeling incredibly dizzy he arrived at the hospital wing. If Snape wasn't there he would rest for a few minutes then head down to his office.  
  
He opened the door and walked in. A sole lantern burned illuminating a still white figure on the bed. He neared it; his heart gave a painful jump as he recognized Professor Snape.  
  
His throat closed and he gasped out "No!"  
  
"Malfoy? What are you doing here?" Draco turned to find Potter behind him.  
  
"Go away, you have no right to be here!" He gasped out wavering on his feet.  
  
Harry ignored him and despite feeble attempts on Draco's part to ward him off, he grabbed him and steered him to a chair by Snape's bedside. "Now sit, before you pass out." He told him quietly.  
  
Draco had no choice as his legs gave out.  
  
"Get away from Professor Snape, Potter!" He snarled at Harry.  
  
Anger briefly flashed in Harry's eyes but then worry clouded them over. "Malfoy I am the one who found him and I have as much right as you to be here." Harry said firmly in a loud voice.  
  
"He wouldn't want you here, I don't want you here. You've got the whole world I've only got Professor Snape." Draco yelled as loud as his injured lungs would allow.  
  
Harry's eyes narrowed. "Is that what you think? The one person who meant the most to me in this world was killed this past summer. I don't want to lose anyone else again and that includes Snape. Why should you, spoiled selfish arrogant Malfoy, care as to what happens to Snape? You've got doting parents who cater to your every whim!"  
  
Malfoy's eyes closed and his face contorted in anger. A stab of guilt hit Harry. Malfoy was still very ill and here he was yelling at him.  
  
He took a calming breath. Malfoy's eyes opened glaring at him. He had never seen them shine quite so icily ever before.  
  
Draco took a gulp of air. "Professor Snape went after my father, that's why he's lying here!"  
  
Harry frowned. "Why would he go after your father, his best friend? Come on Malfoy you'll have to do better than that!"  
  
"Because he did this to me!" Draco blurted out in anger. A wave of horror washed over him as his hands came to his face.  
  
Harry froze. Then realizing how badly Malfoy shivered, he went over to him. "Calm down. Are you saying Lucius almost killed you?"  
  
Just then the headmaster came in. "What is going on here? I step away for a moment and there is a shouting match, Draco what are you doing out of bed? Harry you also shouldn't be here. I want you to go to Professor Snape's rooms and find Professor Lupin and tell him where Draco is."  
  
Harry nodded and got up.  
  
Dumbledore reached down lifting Draco to his feet. "Come over here and lie down."  
  
He guided him to the bed across from Snape's pulling the curtains around as he got Draco to lie on the bed.  
  
Draco's breathing was labored and he was shivering uncontrollably. He wrapped blankets around him, then gently pulled his hands away from his face.  
  
The gray blue eyes looked up at him full of misery. "It's my fault."  
  
"There there, it's no-one's fault. Professor Snape made the decision to go after your father all by himself."  
  
"But if I had told him about the letter or if I had gone to the seminar nothing." He stopped gasping for air.  
  
"Shhhhh, it's in the past now. But I want you to remember when I found you by the library a few weeks ago, I told you, you can come and talk to me anytime you need to. If you weren't comfortable talking to Professor Snape I would really have hoped you would come to me before placing yourself in such danger. I know you think I'm a useless old fool but give me a chance."  
  
Draco stiffened and moved slightly away. His guilt-ridden gaze looked up fearfully.  
  
Dumbledore held his hand up. "Relax, I'm not angry with you but I'm hoping in the future you will feel comfortable enough to come and talk to me when you feel alone. My new password as of today is pumpkin toffee."  
  
Draco's eyes squeezed shut. "Will he be ok?" he asked in barely a whisper. Dumbledore put an arm around him but Draco remained stiff and unresponsive to his embrace.  
  
"We don't know yet but we are hopeful."  
  
He put his hand on Draco's chest. The warmth radiating from it eased the pain a bit and made breathing a little easier.  
  
"I'm going to Madam Pomfrey's cupboard and I'll get you a dreamless sleep potion. I want you to lie down, and try to relax. We want Professor Snape to wake up with you well on the road to recovery. Understand?"  
  
He nodded. 


	47. crying in the rain

A/N: This was SUPPOSED to be up Saturday night but my server kept crashing, so I tried all day Sunday and I couldn't log in, so there will likely be a new chap up soon after this one. THANK YOU EVERYONE! Thanks for the virtual treats! A double mocca hot chocolate with lots of whipping cream on top to you all. There will be at least 2 more chapters before Christmas, assuming I can log in (after all that angst I have to squeeze a mushy happy chapter in there somewhere) so stay tuned. And I will try to bring the story to a sort of conclusion by the New Year or early January (albeit not end it cause after a 3 month break I might come back and do more or start a new one, not sure yet).  
  
PsychoticSorceress: virtual eye drops to you. THANK YOU and I LOVE long reviews!  
  
chuckleseviltroll312 : answers: OOTP spoilers, represents Book 5, order of the phoenix spoilers I put that on for people who have not read book 5 and don't want to know what happens and who died. Slash, means male/male romance, I don't actually have any romance in mine but because there is a lot of relationship building between Snape/Harry/Draco I didn't want anyone who loves slash to misinterpret and then be disappointed so I listed no slash up front. This is my only story on fan fic. Hagrid is in this one. And school is going on behind the scenes. Yes Snape will be ok before Christmas. I named it Solstice because it represents the changing of the seasons, which in turns represent dying, wakening, renewal, the circle of life. Let me know when your story is out so I can read it.  
  
Wavey Avey: re: Draco cuddle (grins) your wish is my command (a bit in this chapter but more in the next chapter)  
  
Honeybear: Snape will wake up by Christmas (can't have him miss out on all the love). Yes Draco will accept Hermione's friendship; she's the first of the golden trio that makes any progress. Harry will take the longest because there is the most jealousy there, he'll even make progress with Ron over the holidays. But don't worry he and Harry will become friends before I'm done.  
  
Selia: Yes by Christmas.  
  
13 Ravens: Thank you you are so SWEET. I'm so looking forward to the holidays, I'll actually have some time to read more people's fan fics, I'll be reading all of yours.  
  
Droxy: Thank you! Hmmm do you suppose that Harry and Snape are getting closer in the thought process because of the occlumency (grins)?  
  
Missy Black: I took my disguise off but darn I'm still not JKR! If I were I wouldn't keep driving a car that keeps breaking down.  
  
Crystal: Yes Harry does, in this chapter.  
  
Galadrial: I'll be reading it! I think Johnny Depp actually has 2 kids with a French model/actress and he lives with them in France.  
  
HermioneGreen: Thanks, snape will recover quicker than Draco but both will be better by Christmas.  
  
Kangaroo: There is still hostility between Harry and Draco, more so on Draco's side but it will change once I finish the story. Draco needs to learn empathy first, which he will.  
  
Shirrie: Thank you so much for the wonderful review. I have to take a break from the fan fiction pages in the new year, need to work on a real novel but I have no doubt I'll be back.  
  
Lola Slade: I'll be heart broken with you. We'll share a virtual box of Kleenex.  
  
Nana Hedwig: perhaps occlumency has brought Snape and Harry closer in the thought process than either expected? (grins). Yes I'm in Canada right by the pacific ocean. I've been in Switzerland, love it, it's so beautiful. Lucerne was one of my favourite places albeit one of my most memorable moments was a night spent in a hotel in Kuessnacht right beside a church bell tower. That bell rang all night every hour, no sleep but a humourous memory.  
  
************************************************************* Chapter 47- crying in the rain  
  
I'll never let you see  
  
The way my broken heart is hurting me  
  
I've got my pride and I know how to hide  
  
All my sorrow and pain  
  
I'll do my crying in the rain Crying In The Rain  
  
A-Ha  
  
As soon as Dumbledore's footsteps left the room, Draco painfully eased himself to his feet. With one hand on his chest he pulled back the curtains. An incredible coldness swept over him as he looked at Snape lying there still as death. With a strangled sob he left the hospital wing as fast as he could. He wanted to be alone, and he wanted to be as far away from the hospital wing as possible. If Snape died he didn't want to see it happen, it would be as if had uttered the death curse himself.  
  
He made his way down to Snape's office. A place of refuge. He entered the cold dark room, a single candle burned on the desk. He collapsed in the chair watching the candle burn for what seemed like hours. Then his eye caught sight of an envelope which bore his name.  
  
With trembling fingers he picked it up. It was addressed to him from Snape in the event of Snape's death. It glittered indicating Snape had put a spell on it so it could only be opened upon his death. Something compelled him to turn it over and much to his shock he realized he could open it. An incredible sense of fear washed over him. In the short while since he had left the wing, Snape must have died. He could barely breathe. He stared at the letter clasped in his hands in frozen disbelief.  
  
Trembling with a soft inhale of breath, he opened it and started to read.  
  
Dear Draco,  
  
I am so sorry. I had to ensure that Lucius never hurts you again. Please don't be upset, I know you are likely panicking right now, don't. Don't do anything rash. Professor Dumbledore will ensure that you are protected and that you have a safe refuge here at Hogwarts. Lucius will never see you again unless supervised and only if you want to.  
  
One of the few pleasures of my life has been watching you grow from that golden baby, into the young skilled wizard you are now. I am confident you will make the right choices in life and you will excel at life.  
  
I am sorry I won't be there to see it. The truth is Draco I have always wished you were my son, not Lucius'. Know that I love you and my spirit will watch over you.  
  
Draco, I ask a favour of you. I want you to let more people into your life. Professor Dumbledore, McGonagall and Lupin will all help you, trust them, talk to them, let them help you through this.  
  
This will likely sound unusual coming from me, but I want you to open your mind up to Potter and his friends. They are the ones who found you and did everything possible to save your life. Put aside your jealousy, prejudice and hostility and let them befriend you, they will help you.  
  
I can't tell you how proud I was of you when you told me you didn't want to follow in your father's footsteps and become a death eater. As I told you that day I want you to have love in your life and to have a happy life. This can only happen if the light wins. You have grown into a powerful wizard and your skills can help the light tremendously. Don't let jealousy and hate blind you, I made that mistake once and I was just starting to learn how wrong it really was. Open your mind, you will see things that will astound you.  
  
Live Draco and be happy. Know that I love you, always. Professor Severus Snape  
  
His breathing came in shallow pants as he read the letter. Biting his lip, and painfully gasping for air, he blinked back the tears that pressured.  
  
He couldn't stay here, Snape's presence was everywhere. He left the room and staggered out of Hogwarts. He fell to his knees a number of times but each time he got up and forced himself to continue heading down to his favourite spot by the lake. He collapsed against a tree. The rain poured down soaking him to the skin.  
  
Snape was gone.  
  
His tears came, flowing and intermingling with the cold relentless rain. *******************************************************************  
  
Remus and Harry walked into the hospital ward to find a stern faced Dumbledore.  
  
"I have just woken Minerva, Draco is missing we need to find him immediately. The shock of seeing Professor Snape in this condition in addition to his own injuries makes for a dangerous combination. He isn't thinking clearly and may do something rash."  
  
"We'll start searching the castle immediately." Remus remarked.  
  
"I'll wake Ron and Hermione to help."  
  
"No Harry, I already had Professor McGonagall do that." Dumbledore remarked. "I shouldn't have left him alone even for a few moments."  
  
As soon as Ron and Hermione entered the wing, Harry ran over to them.  
  
"I think we should check Snape's office first, he might have gone there to be alone." They took off down to the dungeons but realized as soon as they entered that Draco wasn't there. Harry suddenly remembered the letter and went over to the desk, he realized with a sense of dread that the letter was gone.  
  
"We have to find him quickly. You two need to keep this to yourselves but I found out tonight that Lucius is the one that beat Draco by The Shrieking Shack."  
  
"What! No way." Ron said in disbelief.  
  
Hermione's eyes grew wide. "Why would Lucius almost kill Draco?"  
  
"I don't know, maybe his time in Azkaban make him crazy. I know it doesn't make sense but that's what he said." Harry explained.  
  
"I can't believe that." Ron shook his head. "But if we have to find him let's split up, I'll check the great hall." Ron volunteered.  
  
"Ok I'll check the library." Harry said.  
  
Hermione took off on her own. She suddenly remembered on All Hallow's Eve how Draco had been down by the lake. It was pouring outside but then again Draco likely wasn't thinking very clearly.  
  
*************************************************************** Numb, he felt so numb, so tired and so nauseous. Everything was a horrible blur of events. His father almost beating him to death, all the pain, Professor Snape lying in the hospital ward, Professor Snape dying, the letter. He leant his head back against the tree trunk and stared up at the dark starless night, the rain pelted down on his face. "Why", he sobbed asking the heavens.  
  
After running along the grove where she has seen him on the night he told her about the elf, Hermione was ready to give up. He wasn't there. Through the pelting rain she saw another grove of trees further over and decided she may as well check there too. She found him quite unexpectedly after rounding a corner. He sat back against a tree; his blond hair darker soaked by the rain, his face pale in the Luminos light of her wand. She dropped down beside him. His face was turned up to the skies but his eyes were closed.  
  
"Draco, come on , we have to bring you inside."  
  
His eyes slowly opened. "Why can't you leave me alone." He responded hoarsely.  
  
"Because I and many others care about what happens to you." She said kneeling down next to him.  
  
"Well I don't care, the only one I cared about was Professor Snape." His voice broke near the end of the sentence.  
  
"And how do you think he will feel when he wakes up and finds you half dead with pneumonia or something because you're sitting out here in the cold rain?'  
  
He glared at her as he spat out. "He's dead!"  
  
She frowned. "No he's not. I was just in the hospital wing."  
  
Draco wearily turned away from her ignoring her words.  
  
"Come on I'll prove it, let me help you to the hospital wing." She coaxed gently.  
  
"NO! I'm not going back there!" He shouted with panic heavy in his voice.  
  
"Shhhhh, why not? I know it's hard for you seeing Professor Snape hurt but it was just as hard for him seeing you almost die yet he was by your side all the time."  
  
Draco's eyes squeezed shut and his hands came to his face.  
  
She reached over to him and said softly. "I don't understand why Lucius did this and you don't have to tell me but I'm so sorry this happened to you." She put her arms around him and held him for a moment, realizing that he was shivering and thoroughly soaked.  
  
"Let me help you to Professor Snape's bedroom then?"  
  
A very faint "I can't."  
  
Hermione then realized he had completely exhausted himself and was likely feeling very ill. She considered a stretcher but instead turned and with her wand sent a bolt directly to Hagrid's cabin. It took only a moment for Hagrid to come lumbering over. "What's wrong Hermione?" Then he spotted Draco in her arms.  
  
"What's Malfoy doing out here, he should be in a bed!"  
  
"He's had a shock, could you carry him to Professor Snape's room?"  
  
Draco stirred out of her grasp and looked at her with resentful eyes. "No, just leave me alone."  
  
Hermione looked up at Hagrid. "He thinks Professor Snape is dead."  
  
"He's not you know. Dumbledore is taking good care of him."  
  
Draco closed his eyes and shook his head. Hagrid bent down and easily picked him up. Draco tried to push him away but it was obvious he was drained of energy.  
  
As they headed down to Snape's room they encountered McGonagall and Harry.  
  
"Thank goodness you found him. Mr. Malfoy what were you thinking going outside in your condition? Especially this time of night in the pouring rain?"  
  
Hermione answered. "He's upset, he thinks Professor Snape is dead."  
  
"Oh dear child, he's not. He's badly injured but we are doing everything we can."  
  
They arrived in Snape's room and Hagrid gently set him down on the bed after McGonagall had covered it in a thick towel. She brought out another one and covered Draco with it. Then with a wave of her wand she whisked his wet pajamas and robe off and with another whisk had dry pajamas back on him. She gently towel dried his hair. Through all this Draco kept his eyes closed, his breathing was laboured.  
  
Hagrid lifted him again and McGonagall pulled the towel out from under him. He was placed down with his head on the pillow. McGonagall slid a warmth package under him.  
  
"All right children, thank you for your help but you have classes tomorrow, the last ones before the Christmas holidays and you need to get to bed, it's almost 2:00am."  
  
"Good night Draco, I hope you feel better soon." Came Hermione's soft voice.  
  
"Malfoy, Professor Snape had been hit with a Lightnarius spell, it stopped his heart so for a few moments he was dead, but someone gave him the stopper in death potion just in time. For those few moments after he got hit with the spell, he technically was dead that's why you were able to open the letter, because the spell was lifted. But there is still hope for him. Don't give up. You know he'd be really pissed if you got sick again once he woke up." Harry explained.  
  
Draco's eyes had opened when Harry started to speak. He looked at him wearily and blinked back the tears that threatened when he realized Snape wasn't dead. He nodded softly at Harry's last sentence.  
  
"Good night." Harry said to all as he left the room.  
  
"Hagrid, thank you for your help but I'll handle it from here."  
  
"All right then, good night." 


	48. winter solstice

A/N: THANK YOU EVERYONE. Hershey's hugs and kisses. Another chapter before Christmas. I had an angsty weekend, well stressful but I got comfort so I gave Draco some also. No time to answer questions today, but I will in the next one.  
  
************************************************************* Chapter 48 - Winter solstice  
  
With a grimace and a soft hiss of pain, Draco slowly turned on his side so he could breath easier. Some of the darkness that had descended over him lifted upon Potter's words. At least Snape wasn't dead. At least not yet. He could still cling to the hope that there was one person in the world that cared. A wave of nausea rolled over him, he winced as his stomach heaved and he leant over the side of the bed. Nothing came up but his stomach kept churning. A cool hand lifted his chin and poured the contents of a vial into his mouth. He swallowed it hoping it would work quickly. The cool hand stroked his forehead as McGonagall sat down beside him.  
  
"You've had quite a shock today." Came her voice softly as she regarded the exhausted teen. She wrapped blankets around him and slipped her arm under his shoulder lifting him up gently so his head rested on top of the blankets and her shoulder.  
  
Normally Draco would have pulled back from being held so close if had even an iota of strength left. He was completely drained, all his wounds from his round with Lucius ached. He felt dizzy, still slightly queasy even after the potion and his chest felt as if Hagrid was sitting on it. He wasn't hot anymore quite the opposite, his whole body inside and out felt cold.  
  
As much as he would have protested McGonagall's comfort he realized that it felt very good when she held him and rubbed the back of his neck. Though his head felt heavy and his thoughts were fuzzy, he sleepily wondered if this was how it would have felt being comforted by his mother if she had ever been so inclined? Safe and warm and cared about.  
  
A waft of broth filled his nose. He opened his eyes to find a cup held up to his mouth. "Take a few sips it will warm you up and strengthen you."  
  
Draco hesitated.  
  
"You won't get sick, the potion will have reached its full effect by now for at least the next 4 hours."  
  
He took a few swallows then turned away. His head fell wearily to her shoulder and he closed his eyes.  
  
She put down the cup and rubbed his arm. "Mr. Potter and Ms. Granger will be working on a special strengthening potion for Professor Snape tomorrow after transfigurations class. Since you excel in potions would you like to help them?"  
  
His weary eyes opened again. "Yes" was all he managed to get out. She brought the cup of broth up to him again and coaxed him to take a few more sips. He did reluctantly.  
  
"Get some sleep now and think about how at Christmas you'll be feeling much better and Professor Snape will hopefully be back in good health." She stoked the side of his face, smoothing back the blond hair. His eyes closed as he curled his arm up and over hers. Minerva's heart ached when she realized his mother likely never held him like this in his entire life. Poor little soul.  
  
It was a shame he and Potter disliked each other so much, they both grew up unloved.  
  
She held him until his breathing evened out and gently placed him down on the pillows.  
  
**************************************************************** He stood in front of Snape and fired a bolt of lightning from his wand. Snape crumpled at his feet with a look of horror. With a sharp intake of breath Draco bolted up in bed. A moan of pain escaped his lips, as a shot of fire tore through his chest. A hand came to his shoulder. "Take some slow deep breaths."  
  
"It's my fault." He gasped out in an anguished voice.  
  
"You didn't ask to be beaten and you didn't ask Professor Snape to go after your father. This is not your fault." Came Lupin's quiet voice calm and full of reason.  
  
"I shouldn't have gone to meet my father."  
  
Lupin squeezed his shoulder. "It's happened, it's in the past. Blaming yourself isn't going to change anything."  
  
Draco's wide grey blue eyes looked at him anxiously. "Professor Snape how is he?"  
  
"Unchanged."  
  
Draco took a short quick breath and stared at the bed sheets.  
  
"Draco, I need for you to take your pajama top off so I can apply a potion to your back that Professor Snape left. We want you thoroughly healed."  
  
Draco swallowed then with shaking fingers started undoing the buttons.  
  
"I know it's painful, and I promise to do it as quickly as possible."  
  
Draco nodded, laying his shirt on the bed in front of him. He carefully eased over and lay down on his stomach. He tensed as soon as Lupin started applying the cool potion that burned like fire over the tender healing skin.  
  
Lupin was amazed that Draco made no sound. Aside from trembling once when he applied potion to a particularly sensitive patch of skin, Draco didn't move.  
  
"I'm all done. Are you all right?"  
  
Draco slowly sat back up coughing from the pressure of lying flat down. Lupin helped him put his shirt back on doing up the buttons as Draco's hands now trembled more than before.  
  
"Lie down, let's put a warmth package on your chest, it will make you feel better."  
  
Draco lay on his side again. "Where's Professor McGonagall?"  
  
"Getting ready to teach Transfigurations at the moment. She insisted on staying with you for most of the night."  
  
"How are you feeling this morning Draco?" The headmaster walked in and put something on the nightstand.  
  
Draco tried to answer but coughed again.  
  
Dumbledore's brow furrowed as he glanced at Lupin. "Apparently last night's outing had a detrimental effect."  
  
Lupin got up as Dumbledore sat down beside the bed. He took the warmth package away and placed his hand over the lungs. Draco's eyes closed as the warmth radiated into him again. He didn't know what kind of magic Dumbledore performed whenever he did that but it always helped ease the pain. He took a deep breath without coughing.  
  
"Better Draco?" came his concerned voice.  
  
"Yes, thank you."  
  
"I think a bowl of oatmeal would help along the healing process." He picked up the bowl he had placed on the nightstand and put it in front of Draco.  
  
Draco stared at it apprehensively.  
  
"Remus do you have vial of the stomach settling potion in case Draco needs it?"  
  
"Yes, right here, Minerva made sure I had some in case he needed it."  
  
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Minerva always plans ahead."  
  
Dumbledore scooped up a large spoonful and handed it to Draco.  
  
With a deep breath his shaking hand tried to take the spoon.  
  
Dumbledore looked worried. "Maybe later you can try on your own. Here let me help for now." Dumbledore volunteered holding the spoon up to his mouth. "It will be our little secret." He whispered and winked.  
  
He couldn't quite believe the headmaster was spoon feeding him oatmeal and he was letting him. His father would be horrified. Draco couldn't help the small grin that unwittingly crept onto his face  
  
***************************************************************  
  
Harry had crept down to the hospital wing before Transfigurations. Dumbledore was sitting beside Snape.  
  
"Good Morning Harry, did you sleep well?"  
  
"Well sort of."  
  
Dumbledore nodded "We are all worried about Professor Snape, thank you for looking for Draco last night."  
  
"It was actually Hermione who found him."  
  
"I know but you and Ron looked and considering your past relationship with him it is admirable how the three of you made the effort."  
  
"I think Draco is changing slowly.'  
  
Dumbledore smiled. "I think you are right."  
  
"How's Professor Snape?"  
  
"I'm afraid still unchanged."  
  
"How long can he stay like this?"  
  
"Not much longer without us resorting to more extreme methods, which we will if we have to but I'm still hoping his condition will change before Christmas. I'm an optimist Harry."  
  
After transfiguration Harry and Hermione took the spell ingredients, cauldron with them to Snape's room.  
  
"I still don't understand all the ingredients, a drop of blood from those who matter most?" What is that supposed to mean?"" Hermione asked puzzled as they entered.  
  
"Maybe it means a drop of blood from those who mean the most to Professor Snape. Maybe from Dumbledore, Draco and myself."  
  
Draco was sitting up in bed, looking at them with a combination of resentment, embarrassment and yet a dash of hopefulness.  
  
"You and Dumbledore don't mean anything to him." Draco spat out in his usual manner.  
  
"Well he wrote us a letter too." Harry said quietly.  
  
Draco blanched and looked away.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Hermione inquired.  
  
"Fine." He grumbled trying to get out of bed.  
  
"Draco, you have to stay in bed." Lupin said quietly.  
  
"No way, Potter can't make a decent potion, I need to do it."  
  
"One step out of that bed and you will find yourself back on the bed in restraints. I mean it." Lupin threatened quietly in the same calm tone.  
  
Draco glared at him and settled back on the pillows.  
  
Harry ignored Malfoy's usual insults and set up the cauldron on a table Lupin had set up near the bed.  
  
Hermione read out loud the ingredients.  
  
Strengthening and awakening Potion 1 quart of water 1 sprig of rosemary 2 grams of saffron one seed of daturna 5 grams of feverfew one blossum of nightshade 3 drops of blood from those who matter most. Brew for 16 minutes until a slightly thickened consistency the colour of grass Dose with a quarter cup  
  
She looked at Draco, "If you are so smart at potions tell us what the last ingredient represents?"  
  
Draco stared at the bedsheets deep in thought. Then looked up at Harry. "Did he really write you and Dumbledore a letter too?"  
  
"Yes." Harry responded watching the shifting emotions on Draco's face.  
  
"I guess you are right then." He condescended quietly.  
  
"All right then, lets brew it." Hermione responded happily.  
  
She brought the still cool cauldron over to Draco's bed while Harry brought over the ingredients. Each measured and mixed the plant ingredients into the cauldron. Lupin left for a few minutes and returned with a small vial.  
  
"Blood from Professor Dumbledore." He added one drop. He then brought out two more syringes. He got Draco to stretch out his arm and withdrew a small amount of blood from a vein. He added a drop to the potion. He then got Harry to stretch out his arm, involuntarily Harry cringed slightly remembering how it had hurt when Snape had taken blood right after his dreamless sleep overdose. Draco looked amused. "Scared of the sight of blood Potter?"  
  
Harry glared at him. "No. I just don't like needles."  
  
Draco had the urge to say something sarcastic about the golden boy being scared of needles but he suppressed it.  
  
After Lupin added the last drop of blood, Harry added the water and they put the cauldron back on the burner on the table and started brewing the potion. Harry stirred it at the right intervals and when the 16 minutes was up the potion looked perfect. Harry bottled it. "I'll bring it down to Dumbledore to administer."  
  
"I want to be there." Draco demanded.  
  
"I'm sorry Draco, but you are confined to bed rest for the day. The potion will take time to work. If there is some change I promise I'll bring you down to Professor Snape but for now you need to stay here, get some more sleep and later catch up on your homework." Lupin stated.  
  
Harry threw the angry teen one more look. "I'll let you know if anything major happens."  
  
Draco nodded his head slightly, resentment burning in his eyes.  
  
Lupin went back to the chair he was sitting in and started to read a book he had put down.  
  
Hermione cleaned up and whispered "Sorry Draco".  
  
He looked up at her. "Thanks Hermione." His eyes widened, startled when he realized he had called her Hermione.  
  
She looked back at him just as startled. Then smiled and shook her head at the unexpected surprise.  
  
She left the room with Draco lying back on his pillows with a deep worried sigh. 


	49. the land of the living

A/N: Thank you to all of you, you are my muses! I'm trying really hard to do another chapter before Christmas, but just in case I don't make it MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL, may your wishes come true!  
  
JKH: Dumbledore behind the scenes told Minerva and Remus after Snape told him that Lucius has beaten Draco before. However none of them know the extent of Lucius' brutality to Draco, including Snape. That won't be revealed till the Occlumency lesson between Christmas and New Year. Re: Get well sex, the poor boy can hardly breathe, lol albeit he probably wouldn't protest. Thanks for the hugs and candy canes. Oh and nothing more will happen with Lucius cause in 3 months if I do a sequel, I'll be needing him. (well in the story I mean, not me personally, hee hee)  
  
Crystall13: grins, very fast, see below.  
  
Winternightfall: Thanks, I thought the poor boy needed some TLC.  
  
Wavey avey: Awwww more virtual kleenex to you.  
  
Hot water: No, it won't be a HG/DM flick just friendship.  
  
Lilia Snape. Thank you thank you thank you, Lucius won't be in anymore, I'm saving him in case I do a sequel sometime. I live on the island and yes B.C. is gorgeous. Draco will live with Snape.  
  
Melindaleol: Yes it is Christmas Eve in the next chapter hopefully tomorrow. Sigh I lost you on Draco, oh well I guess I can live with it. Yes Harry will definitely deal with his memories of Sirius at Christmas and Snape will be there for him.  
  
Dragon's Flame: oh oh can't have you going crazy now (grins), in this story Hermione will just be friends with all three cause it's not a romance, but she will be the one that leads the way in bridging the gap between Draco and Harry and Ron. What I'm working on is character development and growth and dealing with grief. So the things that keep the characters stagnant such as Snape's past and hatred which he has such trouble letting go of. Harry's grief and his habit of not letting people who care about him in. Draco is of course the most out of character so my goal is to turn him a bit away from the dark, his prejudices, his hatred his jealousy. The goal is to have the three develop enough so they are a formidable force against Voldemort. I've added a bit of grumpy Snape for you, hope you enjoy him.  
  
Andreea: I don't mind being praised all night, really I don't (blushes) Thanx so much. I didn't put Lupin in that comment because I like him and didn't think he would have protested the Lily/Snape friendship.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Chapter 49 - land of the living  
  
After classes were over and after a wonderful pre Christmas dinner in the great hall, Harry, Ron and Hermione said goodbye to their classmates wishing them a Merry Christmas.  
  
"You two don't need to stay here you know. Go spend Christmas with your families." Harry insisted.  
  
Ron and Hermione had decided that Harry especially needed them this year after Sirius' death.  
  
"You're family too Harry and besides my parents are all snowed in in Finland. Muggles can only rely on planes to get around in the air."  
  
"Mum had wanted you to come to the burrow Harry." Ron reminded him.  
  
"I know, but I'm just not in the spirit for Christmas this year not after Sirius' death." His voice grew very quiet near the end.  
  
"Well whatever happens we are here for you and we'll make it fun." Hermione hugged him.  
  
"How's Professor Snape?" Ron asked.  
  
"He's still hovering between life and death." Harry answered. He had been there when Dumbledore administered the potion but it hadn't helped yet.  
  
"Does Draco know?" Hermione asked.  
  
"No, Dumbledore thought until there was a change either way he shouldn't be told. He made himself a lot sicker yesterday." Harry explained.  
  
"Since when did Malfoy become Draco?" Ron asked raising a brow.  
  
Hermione grinned. "He actually called me Hermione this morning. I don't think he meant too judging by the shocked look on his face but it slipped out. I don't know Ron, I just started calling him Draco when we found him almost dead. He seems to need someone, even though he's trying his best to push everyone away. He's like Harry sometimes."  
  
Harry snorted. "Don't compare me to Malfoy, we have nothing in common."  
  
"Well you both care what happens to Professor Snape." Hermione slipped in with a grin.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
Much later that night Harry sat by Professor Snape's bedside while Dumbledore went to his rooms for awhile.  
  
Snape looked as pale as ever, his dark hair framing his face.  
  
Harry curled up in the chair, eventually falling asleep.  
  
Everything was so quiet, a single candle burned on the nightstand. Much to his surprise he realized Potter was asleep in the chair beside him. His dark hair lay mussed over his arm.  
  
Everything seemed a little fuzzy. He realized then that he was in the hospital wing. He couldn't remember how he had gotten there.  
  
He stretched; he seemed to be ok. He sat up slowly and with shock looked down at his chest. A burn mark was in the vicinity of his heart.  
  
He cleared his dry throat and reached over to the nightstand to the glass of water that was there. He took a few long swallows, then put down the glass again. With one hand he reached out and stroked the hair on Potter's head.  
  
Potter woke slowly and looked at him with bleary green eyes. The eyes suddenly opened wide as he bolted up.  
  
"Professor Snape, you're alive?" He jumped to his feet and threw his arms around Snape.  
  
Snape looked bemused as he patted Harry's back. "Apparently so."  
  
Embarrassed by his spontaneity Harry pulled back and sat back down. He couldn't keep the happiness out of his voice. "How are feeling? You didn't have a pulse when I found you."  
  
Snape was astounded by Harry's behavior and pleased that he had actually cared for his welfare. "I'm feeling fine. Where did you find me?"  
  
"In your office, you were lying on the floor in front of your desk. Dumbledore said you had been hit with a Lightnarius spell and then someone gave you the stopper in death potion."  
  
"It must have been Lucius." Snape responded thoughtfully.  
  
"Draco thinks Lucius was the one that almost killed you."  
  
Snape's thoughts cleared at the mention of Draco. "How's Draco?"  
  
"He's still recovering."  
  
Snape nodded, relieved that Draco was at least alive. "It wasn't Lucius."  
  
"It was Bellatrix wasn't it?"  
  
Snape's eyes narrowed. "How do you know that?"  
  
"I had a dream that she was standing behind you and fired the Lightnarius spell at you."  
  
Snape nodded. "Just before I blacked out I saw her reflection in a mirror but it happened so fast I didn't have time to react. I don't know how you could have known that."  
  
"Something to do with Legilimens maybe?"  
  
"I don't know maybe our thoughts connected in the last lesson. How are you feeling? We need to continue with Occlumency as soon as possible. Have you been practicing?  
  
Harry looked away, realizing that he hadn't done anything since before the Hogsmeade trip.  
  
"Promise me tonight you'll clear your thoughts before going to sleep?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"What day is this?"  
  
"Tomorrow is Christmas Eve day."  
  
Snape sighed.  
  
"Um Professor Snape. You should know that the letter you wrote to me, well, I mean I opened it and read it." Harry said quietly wondering if Snape would explode.  
  
"You did what! It wasn't supposed to be read unless I was dead." Snape's eyes looked dark and angry.  
  
"I'm sorry but because of the Lightnarius spell, the spell you put on the letters disappeared so they could be opened." Harry explained in an apologetic tone. "You said some really nice things. Thanks for letting me read the letter my mother wrote to you and for letting me see her star." He got up and took Lily's letter and star out of his pocket and put it on the nightstand beside Snape.  
  
The anger left Snape's eyes. "You're welcome." He looked at Harry intently with his dark gaze. "I meant what I said."  
  
Harry smiled softly. "I'm glad you're all right."  
  
Snape realized at that moment how much of a shock it must have been for Potter to see him lying dead. It must have stirred all those bad memories of Black's death. "I'm sorry, Harry." He said quietly.  
  
Harry didn't respond, he was a bit rattled that Snape had guessed how awful he had felt when he thought he was dead or would die.  
  
"Draco read the letter also. He didn't know about the Lightnarius spell so when he came across it and was able to open it he thought you had died. He went outside last night in the pouring rain and made himself a bit sicker than he was before. But Professor McGonagall took care of him and he seemed to be doing pretty well this morning."  
  
Snape had turned very pale upon learning that Draco had thought he was dead. He needed to see him and reassure him. Knowing Draco he wouldn't have confided in anyone on how he really felt. He started to get up but Potter stopped him.  
  
"No, I have to get Professor Dumbledore, you can't get up yet."  
  
Snape lay back again. "Very well Potter."  
  
Harry ran and got Dumbledore. The headmasters eyes lit up and twinkled at the news that Professor Snape was awake and feeling well.  
  
"Harry I would like you to go to bed now and get some rest. I will take care of things from here." He patted his shoulder. "Thank you for making that potion it obviously helped."  
  
Harry nodded, he was so relieved that Snape was ok, he went to the Gryffindor tower without protest. He debated stopping off and letting Draco know but decided that Snape would want to do that in person. Feeling a little more peaceful than he had in awhile he climbed into bed after updating Ron and Hermione on Snape's condition.  
  
Dumbledore walked into the hospital wing with a warm smile on his face. "Severus, good to have you back in the land of the living. You gave us quite a scare."  
  
Snape managed a small smile. "It's good to be back. Thanks for taking care of me."  
  
"We all did that but this morning Hermione, Harry and Draco brewed the strengthening and potion. They used a drop of blood from Harry and Draco and myself. They concluded that perhaps since you had written us letters we were the ones you most cared about?"  
  
Snape looked displeased. "You read my letter too?"  
  
"Now now Severus, don't get all in a foul mood over this. I care about you very much you know and it was refreshing reading that you have learned to care deeply for others even though you still have some trouble expressing it in person." He patted Snape's arm and squeezed it warmly.  
  
"How's Draco?"  
  
"He had quite the shock last night. We didn't tell him about what had happened to you but when Remus went to get a potion, he snuck out and came here and found you. I don't know how he found the strength to do it in his weakened condition but he obviously had the will to do so. He was very upset, I got him to lie down in the bed across from you but he took off from there when I went to get him a potion. Hermione found him outside down by the lake. Hagrid carried him in and Minerva took care of him. He was completely exhausted. He's been confined to bed today and he's been giving Remus a hard time. As we suspected, the damage to his lung will take awhile to heal properly, I think the shock of what Lucius did will take some time to wear off also, he has a hard time keeping food down, the only way he can right now is with a potion."  
  
"Can I see him?"  
  
Dumbledore smiled. "Yes I think that would be beneficial to you both but Remus gave Draco a heavy dose of dreamless sleep potion to ensure he stay in place for the night, Loki is curled around him and quite honestly Severus I insist you stay in bed for tonight also."  
  
Snape glared, "I'm fine!"  
  
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "No wonder you and Draco get along so well, you are both so difficult. Now get the idea out of your head for tonight, you'll see him tomorrow I promise. Was it Lucius who did this to you?"  
  
Snape still looked angry but he answered the question. "No, we got into a bit of battle but it was Bellatrix Lestrange, she hit me from the back, I just caught a glimpse of her in a mirror. I assume Lucius gave me the stopper in death potion, so I would take care of his heir and not let him die."  
  
"I promise you Severus, we will take care of Draco together and ensure he stays out of harm from Lucius. Now lie down and get some sleep or I'll cast a binding spell on you."  
  
Snape looked into Dumbledore's blue eyed gaze and realized he was serious. With a disgruntled groan he lay down on the pillows as Dumbledore tucked the thick comforter around him. "I'm very happy to have you back." 


	50. Twas the night before Christmas

A/N: people keep asking how many more chapters there will be, quite honestly I do not know. Likely around 10-12 more (lol but don't hold me to that) and it will finish early in the New Year. So I'm writing this morning while being blasted by Christmas music, sigh might make this more mushy than normal but being me it will still have some angst interspersed between the fluffiness.  
  
Chapter 50 - Twas the night before Christmas  
  
Twas the night before Christmas, 40 below  
  
When Snoopy went up in search of his foe  
  
He spied the Red Baron, fiercely they fought  
  
With ice on his wings Snoopy knew he was caught.  
  
Christmas bells those Christmas bells  
  
Ring out from the land  
  
Asking peace of all the world  
  
And good will to man  
  
The Baron had Snoopy dead in his sights  
  
He reached for the trigger to pull it up tight  
  
Why he didn't shoot, well, we'll never know  
  
Or was it the bells from the village below.  
  
Christmas bells those Christmas bells  
  
Ringing through the land  
  
Bringing peace to all the world  
  
And good will to man  
  
Snoopy versus the Red Baron  
  
Copyright, the Royal Guardsmen, from the album "Snoopy's Christmas"  
  
Harry stretched; he had just had one of the best sleeps in a long time. He opened his eyes and sat up quickly. He wasn't at Hogwarts, he was in a beautiful room, the walls made of logs and a rustic stone fireplace was emitting warmth from the corner. A floor to ceiling window was to his right.  
  
He got up and went over to it. The house was high on a snowy hill with forests around and a small village below. Puzzled he glanced down realizing he was wearing the same PJ's that he had gone to bed in. His robe was lying on a chair beside the bed. He put it on and ventured cautiously out the door.  
  
"Harry!" Hermione stood there beaming. "Isn't this wonderful!"  
  
"Yah but where are we and how did we get here?"  
  
"Professor Dumbledore decided we all needed to get out of Hogwarts so as a Christmas present, he brought us here. While we were sleeping he cast a spell over us and then via a special port key brought us out here. We are just outside of the village of yuletown at the far end of the forbidden forest deep in the mountains."  
  
"Harry, Hermione?" Came Ron's voice as he came out of a room next to Harry's. Hermione once again explained what had happened.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
Snape bolted up once he opened his eyes and found himself in semi familiar surroundings.  
  
"Severus, relax. This is my doing. Minerva, Remus, Hagrid and I decided to surprise you all so we whisked you here last night for 2 days of relaxation. I thought Harry and you and Draco especially could use it after what you've been through. Plus it gives Minerva, Remus and I a chance to relax after some very tense times.  
  
"I appreciate it. Where's Draco?"  
  
"Still asleep in the room next to you. If you feeling well enough you can go over to him."  
  
Severus got up putting on a robe. He looked out of the window. "This is where you brought me all those years ago? He stated in wonder.  
  
"Yes Severus, this is where you recovered from that terrible night and where we discussed how you could best serve the light."  
  
Snape nodded in amazement. "I loved it here."  
  
Dumbledore smiled. "Good we'll all be spending Christmas here."  
  
"I'm going to see Draco." Snape stated.  
  
"Yes, I'm sure seeing you will be the best Christmas present for him. Perhaps we should tie a big red bow around you?" Dumbledore teased. Snape's look was not amused.  
  
"Just remember Severus, it will be a bit of shock for him albeit a happy one."  
  
Snape nodded as he entered the room next door. Remus got up smiling at him. "Good to see you on your feet." He whispered.  
  
Snape nodded. "Thank you. Thank you also for taking care of Draco."  
  
Lupin grinned wryly. "He reminds me a lot of you."  
  
Snape sat beside the sleeping teen. He noted that the terrible bruises on his jaw were fading. He still looked very pale and his breathing still didn't sound quite right but overall he looked a lot better without the fever flush from the last time he saw him.  
  
Draco moaned contentedly as he stretched on the warm flannel sheets. His eyes slowly opened. The breath caught in his throat as he looked up through sleepy eyes. He blinked clearing the fog. Professor Snape sat on the bed in front of him.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Came Snape's low voice.  
  
Draco sat up staring at Snape wideyed, doubting that this was real.  
  
In a halting voice he quietly said. "I'm sorry."  
  
Snape frowned. Draco wasn't reacting at all as he expected him to. "What are you sorry about?"  
  
"I almost got you killed." He said hoarsely.  
  
Snape could see the incredible guilt Draco was carrying around.  
  
"First of all I'm fine, secondly this was my decision not yours." Snape responded impatiently. He regarded Draco, there was pain in the grey blue eyes and he looked down at the sheets.  
  
"It was my father wasn't it."  
  
"No it was Bellatrix Black. Lucius likely saved my life by giving me the stopper in death potion and sending me back here."  
  
Draco looked up startled.  
  
"Will you stop being an idiot and blaming yourself for my actions. I'm fine and we'll make sure that you are also." He said softly.  
  
A small smile formed on Draco's face. "Are you really ok?"  
  
Snape nodded.  
  
An incredible relief washed over Draco along with a surge of unequaled happiness. He threw his arms around Snape who hugged him tightly.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
Christmas carols played loudly in the background as Hagrid brought in a huge fir tree and plunked it down in the living room with its soaring ceilings. He placed it near the windows.  
  
Harry stood by the window, despite the beautiful surroundings and all the festiveness, he felt so detached. Memories of the best Christmas he had ever had came flooding back to him. Sirius singing and acting like a little excited kid. He was lost in his thoughts when Hermione came up beside him and nudged his elbow.  
  
"Hagrid wants us to go outside and help him build a big snowman."  
  
Harry didn't respond at first.  
  
"Sirius would want you to build a snowman."  
  
Harry snorted then softly grinned at Hermione. "You just don't give up do you."  
  
She grinned back mischievously. "No, never."  
  
They went outside, as soon as they got near to Hagrid he started hitting them with a barrage of snowballs. They fought back. Laughing and falling into the soft sticky snow.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Professor Snape got dressed and walked into the living room.  
  
"How's Draco?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
"Sleeping again, I think the last few days took a lot out of him."  
  
"That's to be expected. Put on your cloak Severus, I need you to bring this carrot out to our snowman builders."  
  
Snape's eyes narrowed. "They can get it themselves."  
  
"A little fresh air will do you good." Dumbledore insisted.  
  
"Fine." Snape put on his cloak and boots and snatched the carrot out of Dumbledore's hand.  
  
As he walked towards the sounds of laughter he suddenly got a snowball in the face. He froze glaring in the direction of where it had come from.  
  
"Potter! What do you think you are doing!!!"  
  
Hagrid burst out in a boisterous laugh. "Professor Snape it looks good on you, a dash of white with all that black you wear."  
  
Snape threw Hagrid a disgruntled look but when looking at Hagrid's glowing smile, he felt his mood lighten a bit.  
  
He looked back at Potter who had frozen but had a small twinkle in his green eyes.  
  
"All right Potter, have it your way." With a menacing grin Snape waved his wand causing a stream of snow to hit Harry right in the nose.  
  
He fell into the snow and came up gasping. "No fair, no wands!" As he grabbed another handful of snow and hurled it at Snape this time hitting his shoulder.  
  
The snowball fight between all of them continued for awhile, then they got busy building the snowman. Once the head was on Snape inserted the carrot.  
  
As Snape went back inside, he realized he had had fun. Dumbledore waited for him at the door and handed him a large fluffy towel. His light blue eyes were twinkling with mirth.  
  
"Not a word!" Snape snapped at him.  
  
When he finished drying off he entered the living room to find Draco sitting on the sofa with a sullen look on his face. Minerva and Remus were there also.  
  
"Well you certainly give as good as you get." Minerva laughed. "We watched all the fun from here."  
  
Draco looked up at him resentment burning in his eyes.  
  
"Yes well I was forced into it." Snape replied grumpily.  
  
The others came in later, laughing and flushed from the cold.  
  
They went to warm themselves by the fireplace. Hermione got up and started hanging ornaments on the tree. "Draco do you feel well enough to help me."  
  
He didn't answer, just shook his head.  
  
Ron had set up a chess set. "Do you want to see if you can beat me at chess?"  
  
"No!" He stood up angrily, the classic Malfoy sneer in place. "I don't want to be here with Potty, Weasel and the Mudblood!" His temper exploded. Then realizing what he had just said in front of all the professors, he paled and wavered on his feet.  
  
Dumbledore walked over to him after lifting a restraining hand against Snape. Without a word he took Draco's arm and led him out of the room.  
  
"Oh dear." Minerva sighed. "Children you have to realize he's been through a lot and I think that was just some pent up feelings that exploded. I really don't think he meant it."  
  
"Sounded like he meant it to me." Ron growled.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Draco's anger wasn't quite done when Dumbledore led him into the room. He took his wand of the nightstand and with it sliced a hole into one of the logs in the wall.  
  
Before he could do it again, Dumbledore had snatched it out of his hand and steered him over to the bed.  
  
"Sit down!"  
  
He sat and looked up at Dumbledore. He had never seen the headmaster look so stern and so angry.  
  
He closed his eyes and meekly said. "I'm sorry."  
  
"I should hope so. Your little temper tantrum is inexcusable. Every single person here has worked tirelessly to save your life and to ensure that you are taken care off. I had hoped you had learned a little something in the last while. You have dissapointed me greatly! Stay in this room until you have a change of attitude." Dumbledore headed for the door. "I expect you to apologize to everyone when you come back out."  
  
Draco lay back on his pillows in misery. Tears welled up in his eyes. Why did he always ruin everything? Stupid golden trio made him do it, he was overwhelmed with jealousy because they had seemed so happy and then when Snape joined them an uncontrollable anger welled up in him. The little voice of reason in the back of his head reminded him how they had helped him and how Potter and Granger had let him help with the potion. He sat with his hands over his face for a long time.  
  
The mood in the living room had lightened again when Dumbledore entered. Everyone was busy drinking butterbeers, munching on snacks and decorating the tree.  
  
Hagrid noisily and not with the best voice started loudly singing 'God rest ye merry hippogriffs' and everyone else joined in.  
  
Half an hour later as darkness descended and a soft snow started to fall, Draco came into the living room. Hagrid stopped singing. Dumbledore looked at him and softly said. "Draco?"  
  
He cleared his throat, he felt dizzy and his stomach churned. Then he quietly said. "I'm sorry." He looked at everyone.  
  
Dumbledore gave him a quick warm smile. "You are forgiven, come and have a bowl of oatmeal, I heated some up for you with a bit of cinnamon and cream." He also handed him a vial of the anti nausea potion.  
  
Draco went and sat beside him, feeling very awkward and embarrassed.  
  
Hermione went over to him and handed him an ornament. "Maybe when you finish eating you could hang this, you're taller than me and I can't quite reach that branch." He nodded and smiled at her gratefully. Then in a whisper only she could hear, "Sorry."  
  
She smiled back at him.  
  
Hagrid resumed singing as the fire crackled and a warmth descended on the room and it's occupants. 


	51. anxiety

CHAPTER 51 - anxiety  
  
THANK YOU FOR ALL THE REVIEWS and Holiday wishes. Hope you all had a wonderful day with more to come! Let the festivities continue! I'll answer any questions in an upcoming chapter, just too busy and too much fun right now that all I can manage is to write during the quiet times.  
  
Immortal Akasha : Had to do one special note to you. Thank you so much. You feed the muse and inspire the writer.  
  
Just a little fun at the beginning that I couldn't resist cause the rest of the chapter is very angsty. Next one will be Christmas Day for our Hogwarts bunch with a big bittersweet surprise, one for Harry and one for Draco.  
  
Apologies to Major Henry Livingston Jr. or Clement Clarke Moore or whoever it was that wrote it. 'Twas the Night Before Christmas" (my version Harry Potter style written on Christmas Eve just before I went to sleep)  
  
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the holiday escape  
  
Not a creature was stirring, not even a snape;  
  
The angst was hung by the chimney with care,  
  
In hopes that it soon would no longer be there;  
  
The witches and wizards were nestled all snug in their beds,  
  
While visions of new spells danced in their heads;  
  
And Draco in his silver robe, and I, Harry in my black robe,  
  
Had just settled down to sleep, not together though,  
  
When out in the snow there arose such a clatter,  
  
we sprang from our beds to see what was the matter.  
  
Away to the window we flew like a firebolt,  
  
Fought each other to open the shutters and give them a jolt.  
  
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow  
  
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below,  
  
When, what to our wondering eyes should appear,  
  
But a man dressed in black carrying eight butterbeers,  
  
"Now, Hermione! now, Ron! now, Draco and Harry!  
  
On, Remus! on Minerva! on, Dumbledore and Hagrid!  
  
To the living room now! Quickly don't tarry!  
  
His eyes -- how they glared! his complexion how pale!  
  
His temper at times was like the worst gale!  
  
Instead of friend he was usually a foe. His long hair was a colour the opposite of snow.  
  
He was thin and sallow, the master of potions,  
  
and even though he had a heart he had trouble showing emotions A sympathetic look in his eye and a pat on the back,  
  
Was the most one could expect from the usually foul tempered brat;  
  
'He's mine', snarled Draco, I growled back, 'let's be fair',  
  
he pulled out his wand in protest, I shouted 'let's share!'  
  
Snape snarled, laying a hand on the top of our hair,  
  
'Stop fighting, it's for both of you that I care!'  
  
He hugged us both, bringing tears to our eyes,  
  
'We're a team' he said, 'there will be no good byes.'  
  
He sent us to our rooms so we would no longer fight, And growled, "HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO YOU BOTH, NOW BE QUIET SO I CAN HAVE A PEACEFUL GOOD NIGHT!"  
  
****************************************************************  
  
As the evening wore on the beautiful tree slowly lit up with thousands of lights, illuminating the ornaments they had all hung.  
  
Hagrid came out of the kitchens with a dinner feast that rivaled the best house elves and Loki danced around his heels begging for scraps. Draco's stomach growled at the wonderful smells but despite the potion, his stomach still felt unsettled from the oatmeal he had eaten.  
  
Snape insisted he go lie down for awhile and get some sleep. He didn't want to go but since he had caused such a scene earlier he decided not to protest. He was still angry with Snape for having played with the golden trio and for having written Potter a letter. Reluctantly he went and lay down. All the anxiety of the last few weeks flooded back to him. He tried to calm himself, his breath coming in short shallow gasps.  
  
Snape came into the room with a cup of tea. Seeing that Draco was distressed, he sat down on the chair beside him and placed the tea on his nightstand. Draco turned away from him feeling angry yet also embarrassed. Snape still hadn't said anything to him after his outburst.  
  
"I know you are very upset and you have every right to be. Your life has turned up side down, you are sick, hurt, confused. You need to talk to me Draco or any one of us. You aren't alone, you know that."  
  
His only response was a short shaky intake of breath.  
  
"Here drink some tea, it will make you feel calmer and sleepy." Came Snape's voice softly  
  
He held the tea out in front of him. Draco sat up and took it, sipping at the warm liquid slowly. The grey blue eyes looked at Snape resentfully, "Wouldn't you rather be out there feasting with Potter?"  
  
Snape's eyes narrowed with worry. "Are you ever going to get over this incessant jealousy of Potter? Is that all that your outburst earlier was about? You were jealous because I got into a snowball fight with him?"  
  
Draco didn't respond, staring fixedly at his tea instead.  
  
Snape growled angrily. "Wasn't my almost dying trying to keep you safe enough for you!"  
  
Draco's eyes snapped open. Guilt washed over him. He didn't know what to say, how to explain the myriad of emotions he was feeling. A wall of despair crept up his throat.  
  
Snape's patience with the boy snapped and he got up without a backward glance and left the room.  
  
He almost bowled over Minerva on his way back to the living room. "Severus what's wrong, is Malfoy all right?"  
  
"Sometimes I could strangle him, he's impossible!" He growled and stalked past her.  
  
Minerva sighed. She knew how much Severus cared for the boy but he had always been short on patience and understanding. He was getting better but he still had a ways to go.  
  
She quietly opened the door and found Draco sitting with his knees up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them tightly and his head down. His breaths came in short shallow pants as he coughed in between.  
  
She went over to him and without a word wrapped her arm around his shoulder.  
  
"Calm down, Mr. Malfoy, you'll make yourself sick. You know Professor Snape can be a bit grumpy sometimes. You mustn't take it to heart when he's impatient. You are never going to get better if you get yourself so upset." She patted his shoulder. "I promise tomorrow everything will be better."  
  
With a shaky breath his head came up. There was pain in his eyes and she realized it wasn't just from whatever had happened with Severus.  
  
"Is your chest hurting?" She looked at him with utmost concern in her eyes.  
  
He nodded not trusting his voice.  
  
She patted his shoulder. "I'll be right back."  
  
"Not Snape." He pleaded and coughed again.  
  
She looked at him reproachfully. "He cares deeply about you, you aren't being fair."  
  
His head fell back to his knees.  
  
"I'll get the headmaster."  
  
Those horrible shooting pains tore through his chest again and it hurt to breathe. He was glad that Dumbledore was coming.  
  
They came back within a few minutes.  
  
"Draco, dear boy, could you lie down please." Came Dumbledore's voice.  
  
Once again he used the ancient spell to radiate warmth and pain relief deep into Draco's chest. The boy pale and upset, closed his eyes. The tea Snape had given him finally put him to sleep.  
  
"Severus needs to have a serious discussion with him, he won't be able to get better if he keeps all this anxiety wrapped up inside of him. He has no idea how to deal with it." Dumbledore commented.  
  
"Do you think Severus is the right person to help him do it?" Minerva asked with a raised brow.  
  
"If he can't we will need to find a way. I have not been able to really reach him. Have you had better luck?"  
  
"He hasn't volunteered anything but I think he's starting to realize I will help him." Minerva responded quietly looking at his white face. "I'm hoping our gift tomorrow will ease his worries a bit but it won't erase everything that has happened to him."  
  
"Only time, lots of love and support will help him deal with that."  
  
"Albus, Potter is hurting too, after last Christmas and Sirius' death he needs us also."  
  
"I know but I believe tomorrow might help release some of the those pent up emotions. It is the best thing we can give him. We can't bring Sirius back but perhaps it will bring him a little peace."  
  
"I hope so, the poor boy needs to be as strong as possible to combat everything that Voldemort can throw at him."  
  
"We will make sure that he is." Dumbledore assured her.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Back in the living room, Christmas songs blared from the magical music box Dumbledore had brought. The meal had ended and slowly everyone started to say good night and turn in. Harry's spirits had been high, Hermione, Ron, Lupin and Hagrid had kept him laughing and distracted, but as silence from their chatter quieted, and when 'Silent Night' came on the music box, Harry's heart ached.  
  
He went over to a darkened part of the room and looked out of the window. It was a beautiful evening as snow softly fell, his heart dropped as the words "Sleep in heavenly peace" softly washed over him. He relived that horrible moment when Sirius went through the veil. He put his forehead to the window, tightness welling up in his throat threatening to choke him. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to grasp at happy memories. He silently wished him a Happy Christmas and told him how much he missed him and wished he were here joining in all the fun.  
  
He felt a hand on his back and turned slowly to look into Snape's sympathetic dark eyes. Without a word, Snape pulled him close. His head resting on top of his. "Black would want you to be enjoy this Christmas and I'm sure his spirit is here with you as are the spirits of your parents."  
  
Harry stayed still for a moment listening to his words. He realized in some strange way Snape helped fill the space that Sirius left. Like with Sirius there was a connection with his parents or at least his mother.  
  
After patting him on the back, Snape pulled back and took the star and letter Lily had given him out of his pocket. "I want you to have these and take the words she wrote to heart, those we have loved and lost are always close."  
  
The prickling behind his eyes started up again as he took the fragile lovely little star and his mother's letter. With a quick pat on his shoulder, Snape whirled and walked away again leaving Harry looking after him in wonder.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
"Severus may I have a word with you?" The headmaster asked after all the others had gone to bed.  
  
Snape nodded.  
  
"I am very worried about Draco. I have been thinking about everything that has happened to him in the last while. He's had one shock after another. Have you explained what happened when you went after Lucius?"  
  
"Well I told him Lucius wasn't the one who almost killed me, that he was the one who likely gave me the stopper in death potion." Snape explained.  
  
"If you consider that Lucius, the man he has been in awe off all his life and in whose footsteps he was brought up to follow, almost beat him to death and left him for all intent and purpose dying in the snow, he must feel some hatred, betrayal and a huge sense of loss. Yet that same man who he now hates yet he once loved and perhaps to some degree still does, suddenly unexpectedly turns around and saves your life." Dumbledore explained quietly. "Try to be patient and imagine a little what he is feeling. I think part of the problem he can't keep any food down is that he is so upset, traumatized by everything that has happened. Then the one person he relies on to be a support in his life, almost dies. Just when he needs you the most emotionally, he sees you interact favourably with Harry who he wrongfully of course, considers his worst enemy. I'm sorry Severus, that last part was my fault. I thought it would do you good but I hadn't considered Draco's feelings. When he woke up after finding out you were alive, he was feeling quite good but when he looked outside he became withdrawn and unresponsive."  
  
Snape frowned. "I had thought of some of these things but what do I do to help him?"  
  
"Just be there for him, he needs your help, he needs to talk. Reassure him that you love him. There is no greater gift Severus than love." With that last sentence Dumbledore stood up. He patted Snape on the head and went to his room.  
  
Snape sat by the glow of the tree for a long time. Then got up and entered Draco's room. The blond teen was sleeping on his side. Snape reached down and hugged him gently. Draco's eyes opened sleepily, he was still drugged from the tea.  
  
"I'm sorry I was so impatient with you before. Just know that I will help you through this and I love you."  
  
Draco sighed some of his anxiety ebbing away as his eyes closed again. 


	52. bittersweet

A/N: mmmm Lindor chocolates for all of you lovely reviewers, chocolate not only tastes great but is also good for warding off dementors (you know in case there are any around).  
  
Next chapter will be some holiday fun as the witches and wizards get to open their presents and relax a bit.  
  
Snapefan51: thanks for all the lovely long reviews, LOVE them. And mmmm yum yum thanx for the virtual fudge and cookies they'll go straight to my virtual hips (girns)  
  
Rubberduckie: Why is your head hurting? And um (grins) keep a fire extinguisher handy if you're near flammable objects.  
  
Honey Bear: Eventually Snape and Harry but Dumbledore first.  
  
Foxy wolf: you are absolutely right about Lupin and there's a bit of him in this chapter but for storyline purposes I'm concentrating on Snape.  
  
JKH: Awwww thanks my feet appreciate the roses and chocolate. You are right Dumbledore has no idea yet of the extent of Lucius' escalation of violence, which won't be revealed to him until after the occlumency lesson. Oh and yes you may have Lucius for comparison (just make sure he doesn't bring the staff, or if he does keep some mace handy) You inspired me, the teddy bear idea is cute I'm just modifying it a little (grins broadly, you'll see in the next chapter).  
  
Nana Hedwig: If JKR explored the characters, especially Snape and Draco in more details in her upcoming books, I'd be THRILLED. Yes there will be more Harry Snape comforting. Rona and Hermione realize that Harry and Snape have grown closer because of the occlumency. Ron being very suspicious still has his doubts about Snape of course.  
  
Xikum: I swear sometimes I think you are performing legilimens on me (LOL) yes, the 'love' speech will happen before I'm done - it comes from Snape of course and Harry then reinforces it. You are most welcome and I'm glad you liked it.  
  
Catmint: Bellatrix won't be in the rest of this story but perhaps in the sequel sometimes late spring/early summer.  
  
Galadreial: hope you're having fun and things have gotten better! Hermione and Draco will just be friends, look for a sweet scene in the next chapter between them. She leads the way for Ron and Harry to befriend him.  
  
Helga: You so made me laugh! I hope you got to pee.  
  
Ckatt44: There is a good chance I'll do a sequel but it likely won't be for the next 3 months.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Chapter 52 - Bittersweet  
  
They all awoke Christmas morning to a raging blizzard. The winds howled and a mass of white swirled around the 2-story log chalet. Harry stood at the window in awe. He had never seen a snowstorm before. He got dressed and went downstairs. The fire in the great floor to ceiling stone fireplace was roaring. Hermione was sitting in front of it stoking it and throwing in pinecones. When she saw him a huge smile lit her face and she jumped up "Happy Christmas Harry!"  
  
He hugged her tightly "Happy Christmas Hermione." Soon Ron joined them and more hugs were shared. Ron looked under the massive tree. "Bloody Hell look at all the stuff."  
  
"Professor Dumbledore said we couldn't open them till after breakfast. So we'll have to wait awhile." Hermione explained.  
  
"Harry, dear boy might I have a word with you?" Dumbledore asked coming out of the kitchen.  
  
Harry nodded and followed Dumbledore as he headed up the stairs and led him to Professor Snape's room. Harry frowned wondering what was about to happen.  
  
As they entered the room Harry was startled to see Lupin, and McGonagall in addition to Snape.  
  
He turned in confusion to Dumbledore.  
  
He put his hand on Harry's shoulder. "Harry we have a present for you. It is something we have been working on for two years now however all the problems I was having with the Ministry of Magic prevented it from happening earlier. After the end of last school year Fudge came around and we were finally able to make this happen. It's long overdue and I'm sorry it comes too late."  
  
Lupin's soft voice added. "Even though it comes after his death, we think it is something that Sirius would have wanted and since you are his godson, we wanted you to have it."  
  
Snape added. "We hope it brings you a little peace."  
  
Dumbledore gave him an envelope. Harry's heart had clenched at the mention of Sirius' name. With shaking hands he pulled the paper out of the envelope. With his throat closing, he realized it was the official announcement of Sirius' innocence and a full pardon from the Ministry of Magic.  
  
He managed to choke out. "Thank you, all of you."  
  
His eyes lifted as he looked at Lupin.  
  
Lupin's eyes were watering. He went over to Harry and hugged him, sighing deeply. They looked at each other, too choked up to speak. Then Lupin smiled softly, "At least now he can rest in peace." A soft sob escaped Harry's lips upon those words. Lupin held him close, fighting back his own tears. Then with a quick kiss on Harry's head, Lupin pulled back and left the room along with Dumbledore and McGonagall. Harry wiped his face as Snape watched him.  
  
"Potter, are you ok."  
  
Not trusting himself to speak, Harry nodded.  
  
Snape went over to him and put his hands on his shoulders.  
  
Harry's head dropped. "All those years he spent in Azkaban and then later hiding." He managed to choke out.  
  
"I'm sorry Harry, I wish this could have at least been arranged while he was still alive."  
  
Harry nodded again wiping at his face.  
  
"Ready to eat a little breakfast?" Snape asked softly.  
  
"Yes." Came the shaky response.  
  
As he headed into the kitchen, McGonagall stopped him and hugged him warmly. "Happy Christmas." She said.  
  
He hugged her back, seeing the sympathy in her eyes. "Happy Christmas Professor McGonagall."  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Draco stood by the window watching the swirling snow. Last year at Christmas he was at the Malfoy manor and his father had hit him with the staff for the first time. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to obliterate the memory. His stomach felt queasy again.  
  
"Draco?" came Professor Snape's voice from the door.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"We have a special Christmas surprise for you."  
  
Snape entered joined by McGonagall, Lupin and Dumbledore.  
  
Draco looked at them suspiciously.  
  
Snape started to explain. "Draco before I went after Lucius, I told the headmaster that I wanted to appeal to the Ministry of Magic young wizard abuse committee to have you removed from your parent's custody. Professor Dumbledore had Cornelius Fudge examine you while you were unconscious. With Lucius as an escaped prisoner, there was no problem revoking his rights, the only problem was if your mother challenged it. She didn't. I'm assuming she's overwhelmed by Lucius getting caught. Which means you never have to worry about Lucius again. You are under my custody and that of Hogwarts and every professor in this room will look out for your welfare. You are safe now Draco."  
  
He handed him an envelope with the appropriate papers.  
  
Draco took the paper out of the envelope. He looked down at it, seeing Professor Snape's name on it as well as the Professors who stood in the room with him. His mother had signed it along with Cornelius Fudge. His body tensed. He fought back the tightness in his throat and the moisture in his eyes by releasing a shaky breath. He was overwhelmingly grateful that the people in this room had done this for him yet at the same time an incredible sense of despair descended on him.  
  
The Professors in the room regarded Draco with shock as suddenly a tear fell onto the paper.  
  
Before anyone could say anything Minerva went over to him, and hugged him close. Much to everyone's surprise Draco didn't pull away as expected, instead he wrapped an arm tightly around her neck as his head fell to her shoulder.  
  
Minerva felt the hot silent tears against her neck as she whispered in his ear. "It will be all right."  
  
His mother had signed the papers without so much of a second thought; she was obviously overjoyed to not have to pretend anymore. He knew his father wouldn't have signed but not because he loved him. He thought back to the Shrieking Shack again and how he practically left him there to die. His whole life had meant nothing. As if reading his mind. Professor McGonagall whispered, "It's a new beginning Draco."  
  
Professor Snape, out of all the professors was the most stunned. His usually controlled voice sounded a bit shaky. "Should we not have done this?"  
  
"I think it's ok Severus, I think he's just a little sad that it had to come to this. And bit overwhelmed by everything that's happened to him. Am I right Draco?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
Draco pulled back from McGonagall and before turning wiped his face. He looked at Snape with red rimmed eyes. "Yes, it's what I wanted." He stated trying to clear his throat.  
  
Snape frowned. "Are you sure? You know that you can visit either of your parents but the visits will be supervised."  
  
Draco responded. "I don't want to see them."  
  
Dumbledore stood up, "I think we should head back into the living room. Draco feel free to join us when you are ready." He glanced at Snape over his half moon glasses.  
  
He nodded his dark eyes worried.  
  
Minerva stood up, gently stroking Draco's blond hair. He looked up as she smiled at him warmly. "Don't take too long, it's Christmas, a day meant for having fun and you have presents to open."  
  
He couldn't speak and couldn't tell her how grateful he was that she was there and that she kept reaching out to him. He watched her go wondering why he had never realized in all his years at Hogwarts how caring she really was. Strict and a stickler for rules but she made him feel special. His gaze went over to Snape.  
  
In a low voice he spoke. "I'm so sorry Draco, I should have talked to you first. When I went after Lucius I wasn't sure if I was coming back so I spoke to Dumbledore who in turn spoke to the others to ensure you would never have to go back to Lucius. I don't regret that I have done this because it ensures that you will never again be a victim of Lucius' wrath but I am sorry it was not discussed with you first."  
  
Draco shook his head. "I don't want to go back. Not anymore."  
  
"The headmaster and I had a chat last night. He thought you might want to know the details of what happened when I went after your father and that you might be feeling confused over his saving my life."  
  
Draco nodded. "Why did he almost kill me and then save you?"  
  
"When I went after him I wanted to kill him but settled instead for casting a gaugario spell over him. Are you familiar with that one?"  
  
Draco shook his head.  
  
"It is used by the Dark Lord sometimes instead of the cruciatus curse on the Death Eaters when he is displeased. It's like using a horsewhip it cuts deeply into the flesh and is very painful. I wanted to remind Lucius how it felt to be beaten and what he did to you. He was in a lot of pain and he lashed out against me with the cruciatus curse. However he was losing blood and feeling rather weak, he lifted it quickly. I pointed my wand at him and Bellatrix Lestrange must have thought I was about to kill him. She is the one that fired the Lightnarius spell at me. Lucius had just wanted to punish you; he did not realize how seriously you were hurt. He heard voices, which I assume belonged to Potter and his entourage, and knew someone would find you and fix you up, that's why he left. The only reason I believe he gave me the stopper in death potion was because I told him that you were on the brink of death and I was trying to save you. He didn't want his only heir to die."  
  
Draco silently stared at the wall across the room. "That's all I've ever been to him. The heir, the one who had to be just like him but always ended up being just not quite good enough."  
  
"Not today because it is meant to be a fun day but on another day you and I will sit down and have a discussion about the past. There are things you don't know about me and also things you should know about your father. Although there is no excuse for what he has done."  
  
"When will you teach me Occlumency?" Draco asked unexpectedly.  
  
Snape's brow furrowed. He was going to resume lessons tomorrow with Potter. He wondered if perhaps as a first lesson for Draco he should combine it with Harry. He would need Potter's permission. This was one way that Draco perhaps could finally deal with his jealousy of Potter if he understood his world. Perhaps the boys could form a sort of truce. But then again, Draco was far from healed and Occlumency was physically and emotionally draining. He wasn't well enough yet.  
  
"I think you need to heal more first."  
  
Draco shook his head. "It would help distract me. I want you to teach me."  
  
Snape sighed. He'd been through so much he didn't want to deny him. "I'll think about it. But Draco you have to realize Occlumency is very difficult and you will relive some of the worst and painful moments in your life."  
  
Draco nodded. "I lived through them in person, I can handle a replay."  
  
"You don't understand how draining it can be."  
  
"If Potter can do it, so can I." He stated defiantly.  
  
Snape shook his head. "I fear you are in for a rough ride. Get it out of your head for the moment. Let's go out now and join in the festivities." 


	53. pictures and a fuzzy surprize

A/N Hmm what I can I feed my charming reviewers this time, virtual cheesecake smothered in raspberries and whipping cream (mmm I got myself drooling). An extra scoop of whipping cream for my reviewers who written the juicy long reviews I so enjoy reading. I'll answer questions tomorrow. So some of you will already be familiar with the next 3 chapters (after this one) that will be posted over the next 3 days, they were my uploading mistake from a few weeks ago. So those of you who have already seen them before I removed them, well ACT SURPRISED and those of you who didn't see them you are in for some MAJOR Draco angst. Harry's angst will follow in a few days.  
  
Chapter 53 - pictures and a fuzzy surprize  
  
Christmas bells those Christmas bells  
  
Ringing through the land Bringing peace to all the world And good will to man  
  
The Baron made Snoopy fly to the Rhine And forced him to land behind the enemy lines Snoopy was certain that this was the end When the Baron cried out, "Merry Christmas, my friend"  
  
The Baron then offered a holiday toast And Snoopy, our hero, saluted his host And then with a roar they were both on their way Each knowing they'd meet on some other day.  
  
Christmas bells those Christmas bells Ringing through the land Bringing peace to all the world And good will to man  
  
Snoopy versus the Red Baron  
  
Copyright, the Royal Guardsmen, from the album "Snoopy's Christmas"  
  
****************************************************************  
  
The smells from the kitchen made everyone's stomach growl.  
  
Draco followed Snape in and grabbed a chair beside him. Hermione and Ron wondered what had happened. First Harry had come in, his green eyes looking a little teary and now Draco's grey blue eyes were rimmed in red.  
  
Harry sat down beside Ron, loading up his plate. "Harry are you all right?"  
  
Harry looked at him and into Hermione's concerned face and smiled softly. "Yah." Then added. "I'll tell you later."  
  
Draco reached for a heaping plate of eggs. Snape's arm shot out restraining him.  
  
"You won't be able to keep those down. Might I suggest toast or oatmeal?" Snape said softly.  
  
Draco sighed. "I'm so sick of oatmeal and I hate toast."  
  
"Very well you can try them but in a small quantity. I'd rather you just had toast this morning and then tried some of the main Christmas meal."  
  
Draco grinned. "I'll have some of the Christmas meal too."  
  
Snape's eyes narrowed. "You may be feeling better but I don't think your stomach has caught up to you yet. If this makes you sick, I insist you lie down for an hour before lunch and get some rest."  
  
"Fine, but I won't get sick."  
  
Everyone else dug into the delicious breakfast. Hagrid amused everyone with his tale on how he had brought a sabertooth exanther kitten home one Christmas when he was small and how it had gotten out of his room and eaten the entire uncooked Christmas dinner overnight. He had to take it back to its mother on Christmas morning. He looked teary eyed at the memory.  
  
After the breakfast they headed out to the tree. There were the usual jumpers from Mrs. Weasley and lots of chocolates and treats from Honeydukes. Fred and George included a few of their gag toys. Hagrid gave Harry a book on enchanted creatures of the light. Hermione opened a present from Harry and discovered a lovely bracelet with cat charms on it. From Ron she got a new quill set. Ron opened his present from Hermione and found some really cool thin gloves. She explained they were for Quidditch and all the latest rage. Harry pointed to a present beside the tree. Ron brought it over and almost hyperventilated when he opened the latest edition Firebolt broomstick. "Bloody hell Harry, are you crazy."  
  
He shrugged laughing. "We'll be unstoppable on the Quidditch field."  
  
He opened Hermione's present and also found a pair of Quidditch gloves.  
  
"Harry, about your present." Ron started.  
  
"It's ok Ron, I don't need anything. Besides I got a present today that I want to share with you both." He pulled out the paper declaring Sirius' innocence.  
  
"Oh Harry." Hermione hugged him. "I'm sure wherever he is right now, he's happy."  
  
"That's great Harry. I was hoping this would somehow happen at some point." He squeezed his shoulder. "But what I was saying before about your present, I couldn't think of what to get you so I combined my present with something extra that Hermione had for you."  
  
Hermione smiled softly. "I hope it's ok, we thought you should have them."  
  
Ron pulled a package out from deep under the tree.  
  
Harry looked at it curiously and tore of the wrapping paper. He realized it was a photo album similar to the one Hagrid had given him in his first year.  
  
With his heart racing, he opened it and found picture after picture of Sirius and himself and Ron and Hermione last Christmas. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to keep the tears that had welled up from leaking out.  
  
"Ron and I had taken almost a full roll of film, I got it developed this past summer and was looking for the right time to give it to you. Think of the happy times Harry, they'll always be with you." Hermione hugged him.  
  
Draco opened his own presents with Snape at his side. He also had a lot of chocolates which he knew he couldn't eat yet. He opened a package with a handsome dark blue sweater from Professor McGonagall. The note on it said, "To add a wee bit of colour to your usually black and grey wardrobe." He looked over at her and smiled his thanks.  
  
Snape got up and brought him a broomstick shaped package. Draco opened it and to his amazement found a firebolt broomstick. "I figure as soon as you are better you can give Potter a run for his money on the Quidditch field."  
  
"Thanks." Draco said softly. "When do you think I can play Quidditch again?"  
  
Snape laughed softly. "Slow down, you need to wait at least another two weeks."  
  
Snape looked over at Harry. "Draco I'll be back in a moment." He got up and went into his room and then over to Harry. He handed him a present.  
  
He opened it and discovered a book, an old ancient book. 'Defense against the dark arts with a special section on Occlumency.'  
  
"Thanks Professor Snape."  
  
"You're welcome. I have a favour to ask you. Draco wants to take Occlumency. I thought for the first lesson I could combine it with yours. I would perform legilimens on him so he grasps what it is all about and what happens, then I would perform it on you. This would allow him to see some of your memories and perhaps finally end this blinding jealousy he has of you. It would help him to move on and commit him to stay on the side of light." Snape's dark eyes looked worried, as if he expected a negative reply.  
  
Harry looked over at Malfoy, who was holding a package and looking rather pale. He knew how much it meant for Snape to steer Malfoy to the light. He thought back to when he had seen him crying on Snape's shoulder, then to when they had found him half dead in the snow, and lastly when he blurted out that Lucius had been the one who beat him. Malfoy obviously needed help and if Snape thought it would help him maybe he could do it.  
  
"He's not really well yet. Are you sure he can handle it?" Harry asked glancing over at Malfoy again.  
  
"No I don't think he's well enough but he really wants this and after everything that's happened to him I think it might in the long run help him deal with it. I've warned him what to expect."  
  
"Can you trust him with what he might see?"  
  
"Yes. I have no doubt." Snape assured him.  
  
"Ok." Harry replied feeling slightly sick. The thought that Malfoy would see his worst memories might inspire him to learn Occlumency faster.  
  
"Thank you Harry. 4:00 in my office tomorrow."  
  
As soon as Snape left, Ron asked. "Harry are you sure about this? Malfoy of all people."  
  
"It will be ok I think."  
  
When Snape stepped away, Draco noticed another package. He reached for it and froze. It was his usual package of sweets and treats from his mother. They never meant anything, always just for show to prove he was the pampered and much loved Malfoy heir. He threw the package back under the tree. Just then a wave of nausea swept over him. He winced trying to fight back the urge to throw up. He scrambled to his feet and left the room as fast as he could. He barely made it around the corner when he fell to his knees and his breakfast came up. Snape whipped out his wand making it disappear.  
  
"Come on, I'll help you to your room and give you some potion." Snape said quietly.  
  
Trembling, with his stomach cramping and a cold chill sweeping over him, Draco let Snape lead him up the stairs to his room.  
  
Hermione had noticed as Draco turned white as a sheet and left the room with Professor Snape following closely. She got up and followed in time to see him leading Draco back to his room. He didn't look well.  
  
When a few moments later Snape came back down again without Draco, Hermione went up the stairs to her room and retrieved a package. She had bought it for Draco yesterday during a quick trip to Yuletown. She had hesitated whether to give it to him or not but seeing him still sick and pale prompted her. She didn't want to embarrass him by giving it to him in front of anyone so she quietly knocked on his door.  
  
"Come in." Came his soft reply.  
  
"Hi, are you feeling ok?" She asked.  
  
He was lying in his bed under a thick flannel comforter. "I've been better."  
  
"Look I bought you something when I was in Yuletown yesterday. It's a silly gift really but when I saw it." She stopped and shrugged. "I don't know something made me buy it for you." She handed him the package.  
  
His eyes narrowed as he slowly pulled himself into a sitting position. He tore the paper off and found a stuffed animal. It was a Swedish Short Snout dragon, blue grey in colour.  
  
He couldn't help smiling. "It's cute."  
  
"Well I thought, with everything that's happened, it might be a nice reminder that your name stands for dragon. And well dragons are strong and powerful and can conquer just about anything." She smiled back at him.  
  
A flood of warmth shot through his heart. No one had ever done anything so sweet for him before. Pansy had always fawned all over him but this gift from Hermione touched his heart. He wanted to hug the fuzzy toy to him but didn't want to appear juvenile in front of her.  
  
"Thanks Hermione."  
  
She smiled at him again, her dark eyes sparkling. She sighed. "I'm glad you like it. I thought you'd think it was silly and call me nasty names."  
  
He grinned. "No I'd rather not get slapped again."  
  
She looked abashed. "Sorry about that."  
  
He shook his head. "I was rather rotten."  
  
"Well yes you were." She laughed. "I better go and let you get some rest. Will you come back for the Christmas meal?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"Good."  
  
After she left, Draco curled up on his side cuddling his dragon close while Loki lay down beside him on the pillow purring him to sleep.  
  
Hours later, Draco woke up. He found his gifts minus the one from his mother on the chair next to him. He put on some grey slacks and the new dark blue sweater and slowly made his way down.  
  
He ran into Snape on the way. "I was just coming to get you. Are you feeling better?"  
  
Draco nodded smiling.  
  
"Good, you better take the potion before you start on this feast."  
  
After downing the contents of the vial, Draco sat down at the large table between Snape and Hermione. Professor McGonagall smiled at him noticing that he was wearing his new sweater.  
  
"Hey Malfoy, after this meal do you want to see if you can beat me at chess?" Weasley challenged.  
  
"Well Weasley, I happen to be great at chess so you're on." Draco replied.  
  
Just as Dumbledore was raising his glass for a toast, Snape whispered to Draco, "You and Potter will share an Occlumency lesson at 4:00pm tomorrow in my office."  
  
Draco looked up at Potter who was watching him. When Dumbledore spoke "Happy Christmas to all!" Grey blue eyes looked into green eyes and glasses were raised in salute. 


	54. BROKEN SPIRIT

A/N: I just saw the trailer for Prisoner of Azkaban, I can see by the trailer I'm totally going to love seeing the bogart Snape wearing Grandma Longbottoms hat and dress, what a howl! Who could of thought Snape would look quite sooo adorable and cute.hmm and Draco with bangs that should be interesting, his wrist all wrapped up and his arm in a sling. Harry's hair looks different, shorter perhaps? On the weekend I watched ½ of the movie "Rasputin" with Snape oops lol, I mean Alan Rickman in the title role, he really is talented actor, it was funny because they actually called him a wizard in it and for those of you who care, he is shirtless in it quite a bit during the love scenes. I'll be watching the other half tonight (LOL I mean of the movie).  
  
Eggnog Mouse cake to ALL my reviewers and a special thank for those lovely long reviews I LOVE them! Thanks to all the new readers and reviewers, virtual eyedrops to you all.  
  
Wavey Avey: loved the cherry on top ( . I love your reviews!  
  
Ayelet: Thank you, I know I annoyed some readers by taking so long but a friendship takes time especially when the two involved have been bitter enemies for 5 years.  
  
Galadreial: I love Nova Scotia, was in Halifax about 4 years ago. I haven't read a walk in your shoes yet. I've been having a lot of trouble with my server; it barely lets me update without crashing at least twice. As for James not showing up on Samhain, I only did that because it would have been awkward for Snape and would have taken away from his moment with Lily.  
  
Madame Moony: aaargh server problem, I tried to review the latest chapter and it crashed again. I really like your story 'A family for the Dragon' and I will leave a review once I can stay on line long enough.  
  
Snape Fan51: Thanx, I got one of the virtual frogs but the rest of those slippery buggers escaped out the window.  
  
Vampire Queen, Poor poor Harry, I like the Aunt Petunia idea.  
  
Tia: nope just a friendship  
  
Crzybdgrl: good idea and thanks  
  
Kangaroo, nope they will just be friends. So jealous you got to be in Switzerland, what a beautiful country.  
  
Barbara Kennedy: LOL re: I would love a picture of him snuggled up with it, asleep. Too cute!  
  
Nana Hedwig: I confess I haven't written any chapters past those 3, have ideas but haven't put them on paper yet, so I need to post them separately so I have time to concoct some new ones. I have re-edited them a bit however.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Ok on to the story, one little note: Draco's life as the tough bully, evil nemesis, pampered much loved spoiled prince of Malfoy façade is about to be totally destroyed. The entire truth revealed to his worst enemy and the person he trusts the most allowed it to happen. He is left completely devastated, vulnerable, exposed and humiliated. The world as he has fabricated it has crumbled around him, leaving him with a broken spirit.  
  
WARNING: MEMORIES OF VIOLENCE AND ABUSE  
  
CHAPTER 54 - BROKEN SPIRIT  
  
You must be joking  
  
You don't know a thing about it  
  
You've got no problem  
  
I'd stay right there if  
  
I were you  
  
I got it harder  
  
You couldn't dream how hard I got it  
  
Stay out of my shoes  
  
If you know what's good for you  
  
Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes  
  
Even if it was for just one day  
  
Wouldn't it be good  
  
Nik Kershaw  
  
After spending a fun Christmas afternoon playing games, eating good food and drinking butterbeer, the Hogwarts group retired for one more peaceful night in their rustic rooms. The following morning Dumbledore port keyed them back to Hogwarts.  
  
Snape insisted Draco spend a good part of the day in bed. He explained the legilimens spell again and warned him that both he and Potter would see some of his worst memories. He tried once again to talk him out of it but Draco held fast. He then counseled Draco as to how to clear his mind so he could attempt to ward the spell off. As 4:00 o'clock rolled around they met in Snape's office. Draco walked in just as Harry was thanking Snape for Christmas gift he had given him. "I understand it a lot better now. Thanks for the book."  
  
A tightness formed in Draco's chest again. He hated that Snape was giving Potter presents.  
  
Draco came to stand in front of them. The coldness back in his eyes, not an inch of fear on his face.  
  
Snape's heart ached just looking at him and knowing what he was about to face.  
  
"Draco, are you sure you are ready?" Snape warned.  
  
"Yes, bring it on." Draco stood there, defiance burning from his icy eyes. If Potter could do it, he a Malfoy would do it better.  
  
Harry looked at him worried. "Malfoy, it's not as easy as you think. It's hard and you'll feel things that."  
  
"Just shut up Potter!" He sneered at Harry arrogantly cutting him off.  
  
Snape sighed. "Draco listen, Harry is right. This will be extremely hard on you. He and I will see things you would likely rather we didn't. You won't be able to ward me off like you are thinking you can."  
  
He hated that Snape had called Potter, Harry. Draco narrowed his eyes at him. "Stop comparing me to Potter."  
  
Pity and anger welled simultaneously up in Snape. He had hoped some the Malfoy arrogance had worn off and a touch of humility had taken its place but he could see he was wrong. Draco insisted on hanging on to his old façade, making this experience much harder on him than it needed to be. He sighed again. Draco would be learning this lesson the hard way.  
  
He spoke softly. "Harry come here and grip the wand with me. Draco, on the count of three, prepare yourself and clear your mind, use your wand and your mind to try and stop me."  
  
He gave him a moment to prepare. Then, "One, two, three. Legilimens."  
  
In the first flash they saw as Narcissa Malfoy yelled at Lucius. "You have your precious heir, he is entirely your responsibility I want nothing to do with him I never wanted children." Lucius shouted back. "In the future you will at least play the doting mother in public!" "Fine but that's where it ends!" She responded coldly. A small three year blond boy listened at the door.  
  
In the next flash, they saw Lucius storming into a bedroom roughly dragging along the same four year old version of the small blond child. "But I wanna play somemore." He whined. Lucius sat on the bed and dragged the small struggling boy over his knees. In an icy controlled voice he spat as he accentuated each word with a hard smack. "Draco, you disobeyed me, I told you before you are not to ever play with muggles or mudbloods. They are filthy." He then pulled him up to face him gripping his arms tightly. "If I ever see or hear of you associating with a muggle or mudblood again your punishment will not be as soft, do you understand!" Draco, his tear filled gray blue eyes wide with fear, hysterically sobbed as he cowered "Yeess, I I sorry father."  
  
The third image showed Lucius forcibly holding an eight year old version of the same blond boy with tears running down his face over the bloody bruised body of a dying elf.  
  
The next image flashed of Lucius savagely lashing 14year old Draco with a whip. "Granger beats you in every class and Potter won the triwizard tournament and thwarted the Dark Lord, what were you doing during all this!  
  
The last image was behind the Shrieking Shack. Draco, bleeding from the mouth, was on his knees gasping at Lucius, "I wish you weren't my father! I wish Professor Snape was!" Lucius raised his staff.  
  
Snape in shock had dropped his wand, he scrambled to pick it up and shakily ended the spell. He would have ended it much earlier but he was frozen by the brutality of Draco's memories. He felt sick from what he had seen. He shook his head trying to clear the memories of his own childhood that had been stirred. He couldn't believe what Draco had said to Lucius in that last memory.  
  
Trembling he went over to Draco who had fallen flat on the floor.  
  
Draco found himself on the floor with tears running down his face, sobbing weakly, he felt again every beating Lucius had inflicted on him during these memories, every cruel word making him feel useless and unworthy of the Malfoy name. Every disdainful look his mother had ever cast on him as he tried to go to her for comfort. But worse of all Professor Snape had made him experience all this and Potter now knew almost everything.  
  
He felt Snape lift him but he hysterically fought against him. "How could you do this and in front of him." He choked out.  
  
Draco's face was flushed and he was trembling uncontrollably. He started sobbing wildly trying desperately to get up and flee the room.  
  
Snape's arms went around him trying to comfort him. "Shhhh Draco, remember you wanted to do this. You need to calm down, you're going to make yourself sick. I know that was very hard on you that's why we both warned you but it's going to be ok, they are just memories none of this will ever happen again."  
  
"Let me go, I HATE YOU for doing this to me! I hate you." Draco's voice trailed off as gasped for air weakly striking at Snape. He was in a panic. His chest ached badly, he couldn't breathe and his heart raced. He couldn't stop shaking and his legs wouldn't hold him up. All that kept going through his mind was that Snape had knowingly forced him to relive some of the worst memories of his life and he had invited Potter to watch.  
  
"Draco! We talked about this, you were ok with it!" Snape replied sternly grabbing his hands.  
  
"NO! THIS wasn't supposed to happen!" He replied with heart wrenching sobs doubling over. He thought he could ward off Snape before Potter saw any of his memories but it all happened too fast.  
  
He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Draco, I am so sorry."  
  
He looked up through tear filled eyes. It was Potter's hand on his shoulder, Potter's green eyes shimmered with tears. He asked softly, "Why didn't you tell someone. So many people would have helped you? All this time I thought you worshiped your father."  
  
He wasn't ready to accept pity from Potter. How dare he tell him what to do. He shook his hand off and burst out. "I love my father." He sobbed. "I loved him." His head dropped as he cried harder and his breathing became more laboured.  
  
"Potter, stay with him, I need to get a potion." Snape ordered as he hurried over to his cupboard.  
  
Harry moved closer putting an arm around the shaking blond boy's shoulders.  
  
Draco tried to pull away but Potter gripped him harder. He caught his breath temporarily feeling the need to explain, "My father wasn't always like that, sometimes he's proud of me and he never let anyone else hurt me."  
  
Tears spilled over Harry's face as his heart ached from the incredible pain that radiated off Draco. In a strained voice he said. "Draco, a father shouldn't treat his son like that."  
  
Golden Boy with the charmed life had no right to tell him how a father should behave. Anger entered the narrowed red rimmed gray blue eyes. "How would you know? You don't even have one." He choked out gasping for breath.  
  
Harry's heart gave a stab of pain.  
  
Snape came back lifting Draco's chin up and forcing a vial of potion into his mouth. He coughed and tried to spit it out but Snape held his mouth shut so that he couldn't. He immediately grew quiet and closed his eyes as Snape and Harry held him.  
  
Snape sighed heavily, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on Draco's blond hair for a moment. He always thought of Draco as a son but he never realized Draco might have considered him as a father figure. Hearing him say those words to Lucius almost knocked him to his knees. No wonder Lucius reacted as he had.  
  
He gently put an arm under Draco's shoulders and knees, picked him up and carried him into the other room onto the bed, putting a warmth package under his shoulders.  
  
"I gave him a rather large dose of calming potion. He was hysterical, obviously this was too much for him to handle all at once, I should never have allowed it."  
  
Snape put a blanket over him and they went to the other room with the fireplace.  
  
Harry looked at him shakily. "He's going to hate me even more now for having seen this."  
  
Snape shook his head. "I think I'll be taking the brunt of his anger for this." He knew how hurt Draco was and at first he would react rather than remember how much he had warned him what occlumency and legilimens was all about. He would need to make Draco see how his arrogance kept him from really listening.  
  
He looked at Potter. "He'll likely stay away from you for awhile, he's humiliated and embarrassed by what you saw. When he calms down he'll realize you offered him sympathy and you cared, deep down he will remember that once the initial shock, anger and embarrassment wears off. When we allow him to see your memories I'm hoping an understanding will slowly build. You have to give him time though. Don't expect any visible compassion or empathy from him. He may feel it but I highly doubt he'll show that to you. A lifetime of striving for the dark to please his father, isn't going to disappear in a day or two. It will take time." Snape took a breath, clearing his throat.  
  
Harry noticed how badly Snape trembled. Malfoy's words to Lucius must have shocked him. He knew how sick and awful he felt seeing Draco's memories and then his reactions afterwards, he could only imagine how Snape must feel.  
  
"Are you ok Professor Snape?"  
  
Snape's dark eyes lit on him with a touch of surprise. He quietly answered. "I'm fine Harry."  
  
Harry's compassion once again floored him. Knowing how pitiful his own childhood was and knowing how badly he was still grieving in addition to the enormous burden placed on him, the fact that Potter could still be compassionate was almost a miracle in itself. No wonder he had thwarted the dark lord so many times.  
  
"Thank you for reaching out to Draco. After all the things he's done over the last five years that couldn't have been easy." Snape responded quietly.  
  
They were so absorbed in their conversations they didn't hear the door open and close. 


	55. sharing the pain

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews! My muse and I are VERY grateful.  
  
Andrea88: Yes it was Draco sneaking out.  
  
Immortal Akasha: LOL you'll have to go to Yuletown and special order the dragon because unfortunately Hermione bought the last one on the shelf. But maybe Draco will share? Oh wait, he's not too good at sharing (grins).  
  
Marauder Moony: that was rather mean of me, so here you go, oh wait another kind of cliffie (evil smirk)  
  
Lilia Snape: thank you! No unfortunately my story will end before the next Quidditch match-you'll have to use your imagination. Yes I do and I love it too! Rasputin was very good albeit sad. No worries Draco will trust Snape, he's just too freaked out and not being rational at the moment.  
  
Twinlakesgirl: Don't worry it's coming, you'll see it but in order for Draco to understand what Occlumency/legilimens is all about-it needed to be down on him first. Then hopefully he'll be able to feel some empathy when it's Harry's turn.  
  
Barbara Kennedy: You are so right. Draco will never be the good sweet one, there's always going to be a dark side (well my version anyway) that is self centered and a touch arrogant but he will of course improve a lot and become more human. Hope the drawing muse visits.  
  
Simple confusion: yes it was Draco.  
  
WARNING: MEMORIES OF VIOLENCE AND ABUSE  
  
Chapter 55 - sharing the pain  
  
It's getting harder  
  
Just keeping life and soul together  
  
I'm sick of fighting  
  
Even though I know I should  
  
The cold is biting  
  
Through each and every nerve and fibre  
  
My broken spirit is frozen to the core  
  
Don't wanna be here no more  
  
Wouldn't it be good  
  
Nik Kershaw  
  
Draco had held the potion in his mouth and closed his eyes pretending to fall asleep. As soon as Potter and Professor Snape left the room, he spit it out and slowly got out of bed, it took him a few minutes to stop shaking enough to make it to the door. Potter and Snape were talking about him. A horrible feeling gathered in the pit of stomach, betrayal, anger and humiliation.  
  
He didn't know where to go but he knew he had to get away from those two as fast as possible. He ran down the corridors until gasping for breath he fell to the floor, he crawled over to a dark corner trying to slow down his breathing. His chest hurt badly. His head dropped into his hands when with an uncontrollable sob all the memories and the humiliation came rushing back.  
  
Ron was on his way back to the Gryffindor tower after practicing on his new Firebolt when he heard a strange noise like something falling. He followed it around a corner and found Malfoy down on the floor lying against a wall with his face in his hands. He frowned wondering what he was doing here when he was supposed to be in Occlumency. He noticed his shoulders shaking and realized with shock that Malfoy was crying. That wasn't a sight one came across everyday. Ron stared at him awkwardly, apparently Occlumency lessons did not go well. He stood uncomfortably for a moment, not sure of what he should do. He cleared his throat, "Er, um Malfoy, you all right?"  
  
Malfoy didn't respond, didn't even look up.  
  
Ron sighed, he knew Malfoy was still recovering and sitting in a cold corner of a stone corridor wouldn't help that recovery. He went over to him and crouched down. "Malfoy."  
  
"Leave me alone." Came the muffled reply.  
  
"I can't, Mione would kill me if she knew I just left you here obviously upset. So either you let me help you, or I'll have to find Professor Snape or someone."  
  
Malfoy furiously wiped at his face before his head snapped up at his words.  
  
Ron was shocked at his appearance, his eyes were swollen and red, he trembled uncontrollably.  
  
"NO, not Snape" He gasped.  
  
Ron frowned. "Ok, but you're not staying here. Malfoy you're a mess. You need to talk to someone."  
  
The teary gray blue eyes narrowed at him, then closed for a minute. "Dumbledore or McGonagall."  
  
"McGonagall went to Hogsmeade, I'll help you to Dumbledore's office." He grabbed his arm helping him to his feet, he wavered unsteadily. Ron draped Malfoy's arm around his neck and wrapped his arm around Malfoy's waist. Malfoy kept one hand over his face; he was still shaking badly.  
  
Ron wondered what had happened to upset him this much.  
  
They made their way to the headmaster's office.  
  
When they got there, Malfoy muttered. "pumpkin toffee" and the door swung open. Ron got into the spiral with him and soon he was able to open the door to his office.  
  
Professor Dumbledore got up from behind his desk and came over looking worried. "What happened."  
  
Malfoy slipped out of Ron's grasp and sank to the floor, throwing up at Ron's feet.  
  
Ron jumped back. "I don't know any details, all I know is he was supposed to be taking occlumency with Harry but he's like in shock or something. I found him collapsed in the hall."  
  
"Thank you Ron, I'll take it from here."  
  
With one more sympathetic look at Malfoy, Ron left.  
  
Dumbledore immediately made the mess disappear and softly said "Accio stomach potion." A vial immediately flew into his hand. He sank down beside Draco.  
  
"Here." He held the opened vial in front of him. Between sobs he took and swallowed it. Dumbledore opened the buttons on Draco's shirt and put his hand once again over his chest spreading warmth and easing the pain.  
  
He then put his hand on Draco's shoulder. "I'm guessing that Occlumency lessons didn't go as well as you had planned?"  
  
Crying weakly, Draco shook his head.  
  
"Brought back a lot of terrible memories?" Dumbledore asked gently.  
  
Draco's shoulders shook harder and small hiccuping sobs were his only answer.  
  
He moved closer to the crying boy; it was obvious that he was on the verge of being hysterical. He wondered why Severus had let it get so far and hadn't stopped the memories at a place where Draco could deal with them slowly.  
  
He put one arm around his shoulders pulling him close so Draco's head rested against his chest. Dumbledore leaned back against his desk. He gently rubbed the distraught blond boy's back taking care to not disturb the tender healing skin. His other hand stroked Draco's hair. For the first time ever when trying to offer him comfort he realized the tenseness eased from Draco's body, he finally seemed able to trust him a little as he cried softly against his robes.  
  
"Shhhh, they are just memories, they won't happen again."  
  
As he felt Draco start to relax and grow quieter, he said. "Remember a while ago when I found you outside of the library? I told you pain can be lightened when it is shared?"  
  
Draco's tear filled voice whispered a soggy, "yes."  
  
"Why don't you tell me what your first memory was today after Professor Snape performed legilimens?"  
  
Tensing again Draco shook his head.  
  
"I promise it will stay between us and it will help you to feel a little better." Dumbledore coaxed gently.  
  
Draco trembled again. He couldn't believe he was lying across Dumbledore's chest with his face buried in his robes and Dumbledore was being so kind and comforting him. Something had changed in the last while and he realized that Dumbledore wasn't the silly old fool he had always been told he was. Sometimes he felt that Dumbledore could see right into his thoughts. With a whimper as more tears welled up he turned his face so it was completely hidden in the old wizard's robes.  
  
With a ragged gasp, he forced himself to relive what had happened. "When I was around three, I heard my mother tell my father that she never wanted me and never wanted anything to with me other than pretend to be the doting mother in public."  
  
His hand went up around Dumbledore's neck, clinging to him. "Two years ago, Potter insulted my mother, he said she looked like she didn't want to be around me, he was right. I hated that that's why I tried to hit him with a spell and that was when Moody caught me. My mother doesn't want anything to do with me. She was happy to sign those papers."  
  
He breathed hard as Dumbledore hugged him tighter. "Some people shouldn't be parents. I'm sorry she's such a bad mother."  
  
Draco grew silent.  
  
Dumbledore nudged again. "What was the next memory?" He could feel Draco's heart beating frantically.  
  
Reluctantly he answered. "My father hitting me when I was four because I was playing with muggles and mudbloods. It was the first time he hit me really hard and he was furious with me for weeks afterwards. I'd never been scared of him till then."  
  
"So you've hated anyone that wasn't pureblood since you were four?"  
  
Draco took a halting breath. "Up until a while ago."  
  
Dumbledore asked softly. "What changed?"  
  
"Hermione." Her name came out in a whisper.  
  
He smiled. "Did she show you that muggle-borns have feelings and can even care about a pureblood who had been nothing but nasty to her?"  
  
"She helped me." Came the muffled reply  
  
"Yes Hermione is a very caring individual with a big heart. I hope you remember that and don't ever use the word 'mudblood' again.  
  
Draco shook again as his mind automatically fast forwarded to the next memory that Snape had made him relive.  
  
Dumbledore felt the shiver encompass Draco and put his chin lightly on the blond hair. "What happened next?"  
  
Draco's words came out in a garbled sob.  
  
"Shhhhh, I know how much it hurts to relive a bad memory, it's almost as if it's happening all over again. Take a deep breath, just relax." He gently patted the back of his neck.  
  
Whatever had happened to the poor boy, it had obviously been very traumatic for him. 


	56. consoling the dragon

A/N It's snowing, I can't believe it's snowing, there's little blizzard going on (almost mirroring my story, how bizarre) albeit no Christmas snow but I guess it will be New Year's snow.  
  
I'll answer questions in the next update.  
  
Except one, thank you to all of you who want me to go online to chat. I'm so sorry I just don't have the time to do that plus I have a server that continually crashes (or perhaps it's my computer) all I can handle in addition to regular life is these updates right now and of course answering questions in the reviews when I get a spare minute.  
  
Wavey Avey: so sorry to hear about your rotten boyfriend. You're better off without him. Feel better, there are lots more guys out there and some are wonderful. You'll be happy again. Hugs to you  
  
**************************************************************************** ***************  
  
WARNING: MEMORIES OF VIOLENCE AND ABUSE  
  
Chapter 56 - Consoling the Dragon  
  
I got it bad  
  
You don't know how bad I got it  
  
You got it easy  
  
You don't know when you got it good  
  
The heat is stifling  
  
Burning me up from the inside  
  
The sweat is coming through each and every pore  
  
Don't wanna be here no more  
  
Wouldn't it be good  
  
Nik Kershaw  
  
Draco's heart ached as he remembered what his father had done to Lypsa and then the horrible beating afterwards. He breathed raggedly into Dumbledore's robes. It took many minutes for him to calm himself enough to speak again.  
  
Finally taking a deep breath he started.  
  
"We had a house elf named Lypsa. Whenever my dad punished me and I was banished to my room, she would sneak in and bring me treats she had stolen from the kitchen. When I was eight another house elf told my father she was stealing and he started kicking her, I tried to stop him." His voice trailed off as he winced softly.  
  
He gripped Dumbledore tighter as he shuddered. With another ragged gasp he continued. "He hit me across the face really hard and I stumbled and hit the wall. When I got up again he had her by the throat. I screamed at him to let her go and he looked at me and said 'Fine'."  
  
Draco stopped again as tears flowed from his eyes and he couldn't stop himself from crying again.  
  
Dumbledore held the shaking boy close, whispering reassuring words in his ear. He felt sick hearing the details of Draco's life. All these years all this pain had been disguised by a controlled icy at times malicious exterior.  
  
Taking a shaky breath Draco continued, his voice broken and hoarse. "He threw her against the stone wall and I heard a crack, I think her neck broke. She was still alive all covered in blood and she was looking at me. My father dragged me over to her and forced me to watch her die. Then he pulled off his belt and with a spell my clothes. He was so furious with me and he kept hitting me and hitting me and wouldn't stop. He was yelling at me about disrespecting him and she was after all just an elf. I couldn't stop crying and usually he always stopped when I did but he was so mad because I was crying over Lypsa. When I couldn't stand it anymore I begged him to stop and he finally did. Later when he stormed off, I got dressed and went to my mother, I was bleeding and crying and I told her what he had done. She just looked at me, told me to clean myself up and that my father was in charge of discipline, I must have deserved it and that I had better obey him in the future."  
  
With a strangled sob he tried to pull away, feeling trapped by an overwhelming agony. Dumbledore grabbed him by his elbows, forcibly pulling him close. Draco's head fell to his shoulder, his body went limp as he sobbed his heart out.  
  
Dumbledore didn't say anything, couldn't actually. The horror of the scene Draco described and the terrible pain he was experiencing from it so many years later had closed off his throat. All he could do was hold the boy and offer him as much comfort as possible.  
  
After a few minutes, Draco quieted. Sitting back a bit wiping his eyes, he looked tentatively into the light blue eyes of the headmaster noticing with shock that tears welled in them.  
  
Clearing his throat Dumbledore quietly said. "I am so sorry about Lypsa. But you can take comfort in the fact that the last pair of eyes she looked at before dying were yours. We should all be so lucky to die looking into the eyes of someone who loved us."  
  
Draco's gaze fell as tears welled up again and spilled over. He felt Dumbledore's hand come up to the side of his face and gently wipe his tears away.  
  
"Did Professor Snape end the spell at this point?"  
  
Draco shook his head.  
  
Dumbledore frowned, wondering what had prevented his potions master from doing so. He knew there was no way Severus would intentionally cause Draco so much pain. He worried that Severus had gotten locked into his own terrible memories.  
  
"How many more memories did the spell make you relive?"  
  
The ragged reply was, "two".  
  
"Would you like a bit of calming potion before we continue?"  
  
Draco shook his head again. He took a shaky breath. "The next memory was from two years ago. He was mad at me because a mud." He stopped and glanced at Dumbledore with guilt before looking down and continuing. "because Granger got higher marks again and Potter had gotten into the triwizard tournament and then escaped the dark lord. He had started using a whip on me when I was 11, so he hit with that, but Professor Snape always gave me a pain potion before summer holidays so it didn't hurt for long."  
  
"What was the last one off?"  
  
"Hogsmeade." He looked hesitantly into the headmaster's eyes again.  
  
"What exactly caused that beating and made Lucius almost kill you?"  
  
Draco swallowed heavily. "I told him I thought I didn't want to be a death eater and that I wished Professor Snape was my father. He hit me with his staff. I could off stopped him if I had begged. My father always stopped when I let him know that he had beaten me into submission. I don't think he meant to almost kill me." Draco's voice had dropped into a whisper.  
  
"I don't think he did either." Came Dumbledore's reply.  
  
Draco's gaze was fixed on the floor when he suddenly heard Dumbledore emit a low chuckle. Surprised he looked up.  
  
"I'm sorry Draco but I just envisioned you telling Lucius that you didn't want to be a death eater and that you preferred to have Professor Snape as your father. That was rather brave, foolish as well, but very brave. I think the sorting hat would now place you into Gryffindor."  
  
Draco snorted, thinking of Potter. "I wouldn't go to Gryffindor."  
  
"Is that because Professor Snape is head of house for Slytherin?"  
  
He hesitated feeling a little guilty because that's not what crossed his mind first, then nodded slowly.  
  
Dumbledore smiled. "Good. Does this mean you are starting to realize that this wasn't Professor Snape's fault."  
  
Draco's gray blue eyes narrowed a bit and Dumbledore glimpsed a hint of anger.  
  
"I see. It's obvious then that you haven't realized yet that the Malfoy pride and arrogance led you to underestimate the power of legilimens? Tell me Draco, did you think that you could shake off the spell before Harry saw any of your memories?"  
  
Draco stared at the wall. He didn't want to look into Dumbledore's knowing gaze. He knew he was right but that didn't mean he wanted to admit it.  
  
"You don't have to answer me but please realize a little humility in life is a good thing to have. There's something I want you to think about. When you have your next Occlumency lesson and you see Harry's memories, I hope you will react with empathy. Knowing Harry as I do, I assume he reached out to you today with compassion?"  
  
He nodded reluctantly.  
  
"Try to offer him the same. He is doing this totally for your benefit at a great cost to himself." He looked at Draco over his half moon glasses. "Remember back in your 4th year when Rita Skeeter continuously humiliated Harry? You helped her and then chose to make fun of Harry's parent's dying and you egged on the rest of the slytherins to do the same? Think about what happened today and as bad you feel, imagine how much worse it would be if Harry had chosen to make fun of your pain and tell the whole school." Dumbledore's tone had taken on a hint of sternness. "Instead he chose to try and console you."  
  
Draco swallowed heavily. "I'm sorry."  
  
"I'm not the one you should be telling that to." He replied gently before continuing. "A little bit of compassion goes a long way. I have hope for you. When you and Harry were injured on the Quidditch field, I discovered something that made me regard you a little differently. Much to my surprise I had discovered your cloak over Harry, it surprised me greatly that you showed a bit of empathy. Your father would never have done that. Professor McGonagall told me later that you had actually tried to help Harry after he had a nightmare. These simple acts led me to give you my password. I trust very few people with it."  
  
He paused watching Draco tentatively glance at him.  
  
"I know this was terribly hard on you today but you shouldn't blame Professor Snape."  
  
"He knew what was going to happen and he let Saint Potter see it all." Draco couldn't help blurting out, betrayal still heavy in his heart.  
  
"Didn't Professor Snape warn you what would happen? Did Professor Snape suggest you take Occlumency now or was it your idea? Did Professor Snape even know about all the things that had happened to you? If you care even one iota for Professor Snape, and I know you do, you will think about these things and realize he is not to blame." Dumbledore sighed deeply. "Draco in some ways you are very spoiled, every material possession you have ever wanted has come your way and you have never had to share. A person's love doesn't' work that way, it can't be bought or forced and you can't own it. It is freely given."  
  
"But everyone loves Potter, everyone caters to him. The only one who didn't was Professor Snape and now even he is doing it." Draco replied sullenly.  
  
"Why do you suppose that is? Harry's spirit is loving and compassionate. He cares about others, he tries to help. Professor Snape has been working on Occlumency with him per my instructions. Because of that he has come to know Harry and to care about him. This does not take anything away from you. He cares about you just as much as before." He regarded Draco with worry.  
  
Draco's eyes closed tightly. He knew Dumbledore was disappointed in him and angry with him.  
  
"Draco, when we almost lost you, I went to see Professor Snape. I found him on the bed with you cradled in his arms. He was terribly distraught thinking he was losing you. I literally had to pry you out of his arms so I could treat you. You've known Professor Snape all of your life; he's always in control yet, I tell you this in confidence, he broke down in tears thinking you would die. His love for you is deep Draco. Seeing your memories today must have shaken him to the core." He stopped realizing that Draco was trembling.  
  
His voice shook with emotion. "I told him I hated him."  
  
"Do you?" Dumbledore challenged.  
  
Draco shook his head.  
  
He realized how exhausted Draco was. "Think about what I've said but now it's time for you to get some sleep. I will let you stay here tonight if you prefer."  
  
"Please." He said in a quiet voice, wiping his eyes. He looked up into Dumbledore's face almost afraid to meet his gaze but instead of anger he saw compassion shining from his eyes.  
  
He held his hand out to Draco.  
  
He took it feeling quite embarrassed for having lost it in front of the headmaster. Yet he did feel a little better except for the thought that at some point he would have to face Snape and Potter, his stomach jolted uncomfortably at the prospect. He let Dumbledore help him to his shaky legs. He watched as he transformed a chair into a bed. He gratefully lay down on the soft warm flannel sheets kicking his shoes off. He smiled softly as Dumbledore pulled blankets up over him.  
  
"I'm going to have a chat with Professor Snape, and let him know you are safe for tonight, also I think it would be advantageous for you to know a little about your father's history as well as Professor Snapes. It will help you to see the choices that can be made and how we choose to react to things that happen to us. Although Harry will likely best be able to help you see that."  
  
He briefly stroked the blond hair on Draco's forehead. "Rest dragon, you'll feel better tomorrow, I promise."  
  
Draco smiled wistfully at being called dragon by Dumbledore. 


	57. hugs all around

A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU. I wish you a New Year full of love, hope, peace and wonderful surprises that fulfil your heart's desire!  
  
Thank you to all my reviewers, extra bubbly champagne for you all (non alcoholic for those of you who are underage).  
  
Hermione Green: Yes he will!  
  
Ademara yatman: More snow to come apparently, Vancouver Island.  
  
Dreamer 22: so much fun reading your reviews as you read through.  
  
Music lover: just one at a time  
  
Foxy Wolf: I LOVE your poem. Well done!!! Hey I was trying to find your HP story to review. The only story that shows up under your name is for something else that I'm not familiar with. If you haven't written a HP story it's time, LOL, if you can write a poem like that I can't wait to see a nice angsty HP story and you could use your poem as the intro, it would be awesome.  
  
JIK: I can relate about computers/servers crashing. So far the Malfoy fortune stays with Lucius, despite what has happened he still has plans for his son (hint to take the dark mark) this won't happen in this story though. No worries Draco will improve but he'll never be all sugar spice. He'll always have an edge, as will Snape. YES, thanks for noticing the chapters when I accidentally uploaded them were just works in progress; they are now definitely more fleshed out, Dumbledore needed to lecture Draco a bit in addition to the comforting.  
  
Galadrial: Glad you had a wonderful time in Nova Scotia. Any chance you could live with one of your blood relatives? If you are happier and feel more at home there? Hugs!  
  
Xsnapelovers: There will be more Snape comforting Harry and an emotional Draco/Snape scene.  
  
Immortal Akasha or alias: Yes Draco will learn empathy, he's well on his way, but he'll need some prompting to express it. There won't be any Snape/Lucius in this story anymore but there will be Draco /Lucius in the sequel and it will be dark. Good luck coercing Draco to lend you his dragon, you might want to wait a bit though poor boy needs it at the moment. (smiles).  
  
Next Chapter after this one: What many of you have been waiting a long long time for, some of you patiently and lol others not so patiently, yes you guessed it, Occlumency when Draco finally gets to see Harry's life isn't as golden as he thought.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Chapter 57 - hugs all around  
  
They met over dinner where Ron promptly revealed what had happened in the hallway with Malfoy. "Harry, what in the world happened in Occlumency? He was so upset, I actually felt sorry for him. Me feeling sorry for Malfoy!" Ron said shaking his head in disbelief.  
  
Hermione noticed the haunted look in Harry's eyes. "Harry what happened?"  
  
Harry put down his fork; "It was awful." He hesitated trying to find the right words. "Malfoy's mum never wanted children, she doesn't care for him at all. Lucius has beaten Draco since he was little, his methods just got worst over the years. Hermione, he got beaten because I got away from Voldemort in our 4th year and because you got better marks, Lucius used a whip on him. Draco told him he didn't want to be a death eater that's why Lucius beat him with that snake staff in Hogsmeade."  
  
"Malfoy doesn't want to be a death eater? You saw all that?" Ron asked in shock.  
  
Harry nodded still feeling sick from seeing Draco's life and his reaction afterwards. "He's destroyed, I think we need to try and help him The only person he has is Professor Snape and he's angry at him right now. He must feel very alone."  
  
"When I found him I insisted he needed someone, I offered to get Snape and he definitely didn't want him. He asked for Dumbledore or McGonagall. Dumbledore looked really worried so I think he helped him." Ron explained.  
  
Hermione hadn't said a word after Harry's description of the lesson. Tears welled in her eyes. "You were right all along Harry, something was very wrong. He's so badly hurt."  
  
"His wounds are almost healed." Ron said quietly.  
  
"I don't mean physically, I mean inside, Ron."  
  
Ron nodded. "I guess you're right, he was crying in the hallway. I never thought I'd see Malfoy cry and actually feel bad about it."  
  
Hermione got up and went over to the Professor's table. "Professor Dumbledore I just wanted to know if Draco is ok? Harry and Ron were telling me what happened today."  
  
Dumbledore smiled at her softly. "As you can imagine Draco is rather upset. Maybe you and Harry and Ron could make an effort to be especially nice and patient with him over the next while. He needs friends and people to care about him. He's feeling very lost and isolated right now."  
  
She nodded. "Where is he?"  
  
"Asleep in my office."  
  
Hermione looked over at Snape. "Could I go into your rooms for a moment and get something that I had given Draco?"  
  
Snape nodded looking puzzled.  
  
She looked back at Dumbledore. "Could I bring it to him, I promise I won't wake him I'll just leave it for him, it might make him feel a little better when he wakes up."  
  
Dumbledore smiled at her. "Of course, my password is pumpkin toffee."  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
"Don't blame yourself Severus, none of us knew the extent of Lucius' cruelty. What we need to focus on now is Draco's recovery mentally, emotionally and physically. He's had a severe blow. The worse case scenario is that he will either retreat and become unresponsive or he will lash out at everyone. He needs us desperately." Dumbledore stated as he put his arm around him and patted his shoulder.  
  
Snape nodded. "I will reach out to him tomorrow and explain why I didn't end the spell earlier. He needs to know he's not alone, that I was in a similar situation once upon a time."  
  
"I think it would also benefit Harry to understand a bit more of your past. It will help him to understand you better."  
  
Snape looked uncomfortable at the prospect but nodded reluctantly.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Hermione found and retrieved the stuffed dragon and quickly went into Dumbledore's office. Draco lay on his side asleep on a bed near the desk. Fawkes cooed softly. She quietly waked to the side of the bed. She closed her eyes for a moment remembering when they had found him behind the shrieking shack and how much pain he was in after. He looked just as pale now. She carefully lifted the blanket and placed the dragon near him.  
  
She felt so bad for him. She hoped the dragon would remind him that he could conquer anything and also that she cared.  
  
As Hermione left, she passed Professor McGonagall in the hall.  
  
"How was Hogsmeade?" "It was fine I was able to get the things we needed. How's Mr. Malfoy? I just spoke to the headmaster and Professor Snape."  
  
"He's asleep."  
  
"Good, the poor boy needs some rest after all that."  
  
"What's going to happen to him? I mean he can't be sent back to his home after all this?" Hermione asked with worry.  
  
"No he will stay with Professor Snape, don't worry." She smiled softly "We've taken care of things."  
  
Hermione smiled back relieved. "I'm glad, Goodnight."  
  
Minerva and Remus had been filled in on all the details during dinner. They were horrified to learn the extent of abuse Draco had suffered. Minerva's heart went out to the poor boy. She insisted on sitting with him for awhile. She remembered back to his stay in the hospital ward when he had the nightmare. He had been so upset, she realized now what it likely was about.  
  
She sat beside him; he was sleeping peacefully now. She was so glad to see that. She had angrily objected to Albus and Severus over leaving alone. She worried after today's events, he could have a nightmare and wake up alone. If he was to be on the side of the light, he needed as much love and support as he could get.  
  
She thought back to the small 11 year old he had been. Such an angelic face yet a devilish personality She smiled remembering how he had gleefully turned in Mr. Potter and his friends for being outside after hours and the hurt look when she gave him detention along with the rest of them. Now in front of her was a taller, slim, pale teenager. The little boy cuteness was gone replaced by harder angles and sharper features. In some ways he was becoming the spitting image of his father yet hopefully on the inside he was becoming someone his father could never be.  
  
Draco made a sound much like a soft whimper. She reached over stroking his hair soothing him. His tired eyes suddenly opened wide looking at her with surprise. Then he apparently remembered where he was and what had happened. He looked away, visibly tensing. "It's ok Mr. Malfoy, think of Hogwarts as a sanctuary. Professors Dumbledore, Snape, Lupin and myself as your guardians, we're here to help you. " She paused looking at his pale thin face and added. "You are still the same person, you are strong, stubborn, willful. Once the shock of what happened today wears off you will be even stronger for it." His eyes lifted to hers again. She softly added. "I have no doubt."  
  
He looked away again. "You know?"  
  
She softly replied. "Yes." Seeing how uncomfortable he was she changed the topic.  
  
"Since Professors Snape and Dumbledore tell me you didn't keep your lunch down and had no dinner, I've brought you a cup of broth. How they can think you will recover without food is beyond me." McGonagall complained with a huff.  
  
An amused smile formed on Draco's face as he envisioned McGonagall chastising Snape and Dumbledore. He slowly sat up.  
  
When McGonagall handed him the cup, he looked at her concerned. "I can't without the potion."  
  
"I have a vial with me just in case but you need to start eating without having to rely on it."  
  
He took the cup hesitantly and slowly drank it down.  
  
"Good, now just stay calm think of happy things like being out on the Quidditch field on your new Firebolt."  
  
He smirked, "And I'll finally beat Potter."  
  
McGonagall gave him a disapproving look but inside she was glad for a moment at least, he had lost that broken, hopeless look.  
  
"Draco, if you ever want to talk or if you're feeling bad, I want you to know you can come to me."  
  
He stared at the bed covers for a moment as she took the cup out of his hand. "I wish today had never happened." He said in a whisper.  
  
She reached over to him and after hesitating for a moment his arm wrapped around her neck. "When you hug me like this it makes me wonder if that's how it would have felt if my mother had ever cared."  
  
"How exactly does it make you feel?" McGonagall inquired.  
  
Draco pulled back flushing slightly. "I don't know, warm, safe, like someone actually cares."  
  
McGonagall smiled. "Well someone does care. What happened is now in the past, and although you'll never forget it you have a new future to look forward to."  
  
There was still a lot of fear and uncertainly in his eyes. She realized it would take time for him to come to terms with his past. She hugged him close to her again. "Don't be scared of the future Draco."  
  
"I'm not." Came his muffled rather unconvincing reply.  
  
Later as she coaxed him to lie down again, he discovered his dragon. "Did you bring this up here?" He asked wondering how it got to be in the bed.  
  
"No it was likely Miss Granger, she was here just before me while you were asleep."  
  
He wrapped his arms around it under the covers. He fell asleep with the thought in his mind, 'dragons survive just about anything.'  
  
****************************************************************  
  
'The man came running out of the bedroom. As a loud bang disturbed him. Someone shouted 'avada kedavra' and he fell to the floor lifeless. Soon a woman followed carrying a small child, she screamed, a green flash hit her, she and the child fell to the ground. Another child perhaps 5 wandered out of another room woken by the noise. She looked up wideyed at the man in front of her. "She's yours Lucius." Came the cracking voice of the figure with red eyes. Lucius smiled "thank you my Lord" as he pointed his wand and snarled the killing curse. The little body crumpled to the ground amidst cheers from the gang of death eaters.'  
  
"No, no!" Harry cried out with his hand tightly gripping his searing scar.  
  
"Harry! Harry wake up, you're having a dream."  
  
Ron shook him as Harry sat up dazed. His scar on fire. His breathing, was laboured and as he scrambled to his feet, his stomach rebelled and he doubled over retching.  
  
"I'll get McGonagall." Ron jumped up and ran out of the room. Harry dragged himself out of the door and made it as far as the staircase before collapsing on it.  
  
Hermione heard a commotion and ran into the hallway; Harry was sitting on the stairs with his head in his hands. "Harry what happened?"  
  
He didn't respond. She put her arm around him putting her head down on his. A minute later Snape and Ron showed up. "Professor McGonagall wasn't in her room so I got Professor Snape."  
  
"Id like the two of you to return to your bed, I'll take are of Harry."  
  
They both hesitated.  
  
Snape looked them "NOW!" he said in a low dangerous tone.  
  
They both left casting worried glances at Harry.  
  
"Potter what happened?"  
  
Without looking up Harry recapped the entire dream to him, he didn't see Snape grow increasingly pale.  
  
He realized Voldemort and his death eaters were amusing themselves killing muggle families again. He knew how awful it had been for him to witness it all those years ago. He could see Harry was visibly shaken. He still hadn't looked up and he was shaking badly.  
  
"Harry, look at me!"  
  
Harry took a deep breath and looked up. His green eyes were moist.  
  
"I think you realize that you need to learn Occlumency as quickly as possible. We'll have a lesson tomorrow on the last day of the year. It's obvious that the dark lord's thoughts and actions are getting into your head again. We need to block them out."  
  
Harry nodded, his heart was still racing because the images of the dead family were still fresh in his mind.  
  
Snape's hand came out to stroke his hair.  
  
"Are you ok?"  
  
Harry closed his eyes tightly and shook his head.  
  
Snape moved closer putting an arm around his shoulder.  
  
"Lucius was the one who killed the small child."  
  
Snape sighed. "It doesn't surprise me."  
  
Harry, still trembling, leaned closer into Snape's hug.  
  
"Don't take it so to heart. There is nothing we can do now to help any of them. All we can do is get you as strong and skilled as possible so you can eventually defeat the dark lord."  
  
"I haven't been able to save anyone yet. Cedric and Sirius died right in front of me."  
  
"A New Year is upon us Potter, the headmaster, Professor Lupin and I had a discussion over dinner tonight. We are going to be step up training in the New Year and teach all of you who are interested more advanced skills such as how to apparate, more advanced potions, and occlumency. I want you to learn Occlumency quickly so you can assist me in training the others."  
  
"What about Draco?"  
  
"I'm not sure if he'll want to continue yet, he may need some time. Perhaps after he's seen your memories, he'll feel less humiliated."  
  
Harry smiled wryly.  
  
"Look to the New Year with hope Harry."  
  
Harry's despair filled green eyes looked up into Snape's dark ones.  
  
"Remember we are all here for you." Said Snape, squeezing Harry's shoulder. 


	58. two troubled teens

A/N: First day of the New Year! For all the dragon lovers, the stuffed furry kind I mean, I was looking for something else last night and lo and behold I found a site that actually has stuffed dragons and even a Harry Potter section, love the owls! So in case any of you want to take a peek,  
  
Thank you all my lovely reviewers, you know who you are! Especially those of you who do the really long ones, I may not always respond unless you are asking me questions but know that you are much appreciated. I'll answer question on the weekend, next chapter likely will be Saturday if I don't make it tomorrow.  
  
Marauder Moony: If memory serves me correctly and I really hope it does, I like your chapter title and am using it for this one.  
  
Chapter 58 - Two Troubled Teens  
  
When Draco opened his eyes the following morning, Professor Snape was sitting beside him. He immediately grew tense and his stomach clenched.  
  
"How are you feeling this morning?"  
  
He sat up. "Fine." He looked everywhere but at Snape.  
  
"The next Occlumency lesson is in an hour in my office if you'd like to join us."  
  
Draco's eyes flashed icily at Snape. "I don't ever want to do Occlumency again!"  
  
Snape took a breath, ensuring he stayed calm and patient. "You wouldn't, it would be Harry's turn today." He got up. "If you change your mind you are welcome to come." He realized Draco's defenses were up and at the moment nothing he could do or say would break the barrier. He obviously needed some more time to come to terms. He looked back at him again but Draco was staring at his bed covers. "We will need to talk about this at some point, Draco. You can't avoid it forever." He then left the room.  
  
Draco's heart raced uncomfortably, even the word Occlumency had caused an icy chill to settle over him. He wanted to talk to Snape, he wanted to tell him he was sorry for saying he hated him but he didn't know how. He was afraid that Snape say that he didn't care anymore and didn't love him.  
  
Dumbledore came down, he had heard the minimal exchange between Severus and Draco. Two people who were not very good at communicating their feelings. "Good morning Draco, come and join me for a bowl of oatmeal."  
  
He was grateful that the headmaster made the offer even though he was feeling queasy, but he knew the professors wouldn't rest until he ate a bit.  
  
He got up and Dumbledore let him bathe in his bathroom. He put on the change of clothes that someone had left for him. He put on the sweater McGonagall had given him.  
  
They walked into the great hall together. Draco's breathing grew a little more laboured as apprehension claimed him. Dumbledore's hand reassuringly patted the back of his neck. He relaxed a little.  
  
Hermione, Potter and Weasley were at a table and it looked as if Weasley was telling an amusing story. Hermione looked up, noticing him and smiled warmly. He smiled back hesitantly. He sat down beside Professor McGonagall who welcomed him, as did Professor Lupin. Professor Snape wasn't there. He picked at his bowl of oatmeal, managing to eat at least half with the Professors encouragement. He also drank a glass of orange juice.  
  
When Professor McGonagall left saying she needed to work on classes for next term, Hermione came over and sat beside him. "Why don't you come and sit with us for a bit?"  
  
He narrowed his eyes. "As if Potter and Weasley would welcome my company."  
  
"Maybe they would surprise you?" She challenged.  
  
He responded icily, "I don't want pity from anyone!"  
  
She snorted, "I never thought you'd be such a coward hiding away in a room all the time, I hope you'll at least go to the Occlumency lesson today. It might help you get over yourself a bit."  
  
With that she got up and went back to her table, leaving Draco seething and Dumbledore trying to suppress the smile that threatened to burst out. Lupin discreetly took a drink from his pumpkin juice but his eyes sparkled at Dumbledore.  
  
As the golden trio cleared out, Remus asked Albus for some help with a defense against the dark arts lesson. Dumbledore patted Draco on the shoulder again and followed Remus back to his office.  
  
He hated that the golden trio probably thought him to be a coward. He wasn't a coward. He survived more things than the three of them combined. As anger temporarily closed off the embarrassment and humiliation, he got up and hurried to Snape's office. He knew he was late. The closer he got, the more shaky his legs became, the quicker his heart raced and his oatmeal and orange juice rumbled uncomfortably. He broke out in a cold sweat remembering yesterday's events.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
"He's not going to come is he?" Harry said sitting on Snape's sofa.  
  
"I don't know. The shock hasn't worn off yet, his life has changed completely, and he's very humiliated."  
  
"Maybe I should have talked to him but he looked rather resentful this morning, I thought it might be too soon." Harry stated.  
  
"He wouldn't have responded favourably. You were right not to approach him yet. Let him come to you." Snape reassured.  
  
Suddenly the door opened and Draco stood there. He was slightly flushed and he was breathing hard.  
  
Harry was the first to speak. "Are you ok?"  
  
Draco ignored him staring at Snape. "Can we get on with this?'  
  
Snape frowned, thoroughly displeased with Draco's attitude. "Harry it's up to you?"  
  
Draco shot Snape a scathing look.  
  
Harry took a deep breath then nodded at Snape.  
  
"Draco, come over here and put your hand on the wand with me. Harry breathe deeply, I really appreciate you doing this."  
  
Draco narrowed his eyes at Harry as Snape said "Legilimens."  
  
The first memory they saw was a woman yelling at Harry. "You are a freak, just like your parents were!"  
  
Then "Knocking the stuffing out of me won't make Aunt Marge forget what I could tell her," Harry said to a big fat beefy man standing in front of him with his fist raised. Then an extremely fat ugly woman yelled at Harry "they should have put you in an orphanage, you are a sneaky little liar, insolent ungrateful.."  
  
Then they heard voices a woman screaming "no not Harry, not my son, kill me instead" while a horrible cold clammy feeling washed over them. They experienced a horrible drop as Harry felt himself falling through an icy mist.  
  
In the next image they saw Cedric Diggory lying dead on the ground with his eyes wide open, then felt a horrible pain as Harry clutched his scar, then a short man sliced open Harry's arm, then the cruciatus curse as the dark lord with gleaming red eyes pointed his wand at a bound Harry.  
  
Then mad eye mooney transforming into Barty Crouch.  
  
Then Deloris Umbridge forcing Harry to write with the black quill that etched into his skin like a scalpel.  
  
Then they saw and felt the incredible fear, despair, hatred well up in Harry as Lupin held him after Sirius Black fell through the veil. Then an eerie voice spoke saying Harry was the chosen one, the only one who could defeat the dark lord, he would have to kill or be killed because only one of them would survive.  
  
Then the images of a muggle family being killed by a group of deatheaters, a small child falling to the floor after Lucius Malfoy uttered the death curse.  
  
Snape lifted the spell knowing Harry had had more than enough. Harry fell to the floor trembling violently. Before going to Harry he glanced at Draco who was chalk white, his eyes wide and full of tears. Snape grabbed his arm but Draco staggered backwards breathing erratically.  
  
Snape sank down on the floor with Harry. Draco had back upped right to the door. He stood there trembling uncontrollably never taking his eyes off Potter. Potter's hand had come up over his face. Draco winced stunned by what he had seen and felt. He gasped for air, he knew he should go over to Harry but he felt frozen, he just couldn't. His stomach rolled and he knew he was going to be sick. He opened the door and went outside putting his head against the cool stones of the hallway. He tried to calm his breathing and clear his mind of the horrible things he had just seen.  
  
He wanted to lie down; he slowly made his way down the hallway hoping that Dumbledore hadn't returned to his office and that the bed was still there.  
  
"Draco?" He stopped recognizing the voice. She was one of the last people he wanted to have see him like this again. He closed his eyes tightly.  
  
"You went to the Occlumency lesson didn't you?" Hermione asked coming up beside him. He looked as if he was about to be sick she realized with alarm.  
  
She grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hallway to Professor Snape's living quarters. She got him to sit on the sofa, threw a blanket around his shoulders while she scoured the room trying to find a stomach vial. She finally found one and brought it over to him. His head had fallen to his knees, his hands over his face. She gently pried one hand away. "Here take this."  
  
He took the vial and quickly downed the contents.  
  
She sat down beside him. "Why aren't you talking to Harry?"  
  
He threw her an icy glare. "Why do you think! What am I supposed to say, sorry for your rotten life."  
  
"Yes and perhaps apologize for all the things you did to make it worse."  
  
His eyes narrowed and she realized there were tears in them as he turned away.  
  
"Draco." She said softly. "Please, we are all fighting for our lives because of Voldemort's return, don't let all the hate you felt in the past win. You must realize now that Harry's life isn't as wonderful as you thought it was, the same way we realize yours wasn't either. Can't you reach out to him at least a little?"  
  
Draco shook uncontrollably and took a few shaky calming breaths. In a heavy voice he asked. "How?"  
  
Hermione thought for a moment, "Well, when he's upset he usually goes down to the lake. It's gotten warmer outside maybe if you put some warm clothes on you could down and talk to him. Maybe start out thanking him for letting you see his memories, you know it wasn't easy for him to let you do that. It took years before he ever opened up to Ron and I."  
  
"What was that image about the dark lord and that eerie voice saying he would have to kill or be killed?" Draco asked quietly.  
  
Hermione frowned. "What are you talking about?"  
  
Draco looked puzzled then turned away. "I don't know, never mind."  
  
He took another shaky breath.  
  
"Do you feel a little better."  
  
He nodded still trying to slow down his breathing. She put her hand on his back, lightly rubbing. "Take some really deep breaths and release them slowly."  
  
He did. Then turned to look at her. Her heart ached when she saw how empty and bleak his eyes were.  
  
"Thanks again." He attempted a weak smile.  
  
"Your welcome. Do you think next time when Ron and Harry and I are eating you could join us."  
  
He looked uncomfortable at the thought. "Maybe but if I don't it's not because I'm a coward." His icy eyes flashed with a bit of anger.  
  
She couldn't suppress the grin that formed on her face. "If you say so."  
  
He smirked softly.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Snape trembled as he tried to console Harry. The intensity of the images and the sound of Lily begging tore at his heart. He could only imagine how Harry was feeling at the moment.  
  
He lifted him to his feet and brought him over to the sofa wrapping a comforter around him. Harry kept his hands up to his face trembling.  
  
"I can't believe I let Malfoy see all of that." He whispered. "He'll have a field day with it."  
  
"No he won't. Trust me on this. He's very shaken and hopefully humbled."  
  
Harry snorted in a choked voice. "Malfoy humbled?"  
  
"After what you saw yesterday do you really have to question that?"  
  
"It's not the same. Malfoy's parents didn't die because of him; he didn't watch his godfather fall through the veil because he messed up. He doesn't have to become a murderer in order to live."  
  
Snape sighed and put his arms around Harry, pulling him and the thick comforter close.  
  
"Your mother would hate that you are thinking that way. She'd tell you that she died so you could live not spend your days moping because of how she and your father died. And Black, he'd have a fit if he saw how his death weighs on your heart and keeps you from living. You know that Harry."  
  
"I miss him so much." Harry said as he finally sat up and dropped his hands from his face. His green eyes were so full of pain and misery.  
  
"I can't replace him but I'll help you as much as I can." Snape stated. His dark eyes serious.  
  
Harry looked at him and swallowed. "When you almost died, I realized that somehow you helped fill the hole a bit that Sirius left when he went through the veil. I'm glad you're alive."  
  
The simple honest words touched Snape's heart as much as when Harry hesitantly wrapped his arms around his neck. He stroked the black hair and patted his back. He knew somewhere James Potter was likely cursing him, well perhaps not, but he knew for sure that Lily was smiling. 


	59. IN YOUR SHOES

A/N: Thanks to all the reviews! LOL back upped thanks to all who caught that but hee hee you missed one, I called Moody, Mooney by mistake. I'll edit and fix one of these days.  
  
Approx. 3-5 chapters to come then I'm afraid that's it till April.  
  
Kemeran: I wondered if you'd ever say anything in addition to 'more please', well I can't tell you exactly what happens cause I haven't actually thought it all out yet but there will be a nice Harry/Ron/Hermione scene and an emotional Snape/Draco scene, then a Harry/Snape/Draco scene and the story will conclude (or go on hiatus) with a Snape/Harry scene ending it at a point similar to where it started from.  
  
Snape Fan: Big hugs to you too for all the incredible reviews. You are much appreciated.  
  
Vampire Queen: I'll send you some of my snow, I spent the day shoveling. YUCK!  
  
Denise: I love you! Thanks for taking the time writing that incredible long review. It's very important to me to know what readers like and where my strengths lie. It's wonderful to hear that you liked the last chapter so much (I actually put a lot of thought into that one) and that it touched you. Hearing that also touches me and makes my muse fly outside and do a happy dance on a snowflake (smiles) Thanks again.  
  
Melindalio: Don't worry the trio is very much intact but being the kind of people they are (which is why we love them) they are reaching out to Draco who desperately needs them right now (even if he would never admit it). He is trying to reach out to the light and to reject him would have dire consequences for all. Hermione and Ron are always there for Harry when he lets them be. He is surrounded by love, even thought he still has a hard time seeing it. You are right my version of Draco will still lash out as would however my version of Harry who if he desires has a lot of ammunition on Draco and could publicly destroy him. Voldemort has always tried to kill Harry so the only new thing the prophecy reveals is that harry has to kill him. So yes Draco could call him a future murderer but then look who his father is and what he has done.  
  
Death the only true freedom: Aww I love you for saying that. 13 Raven: Perhaps, but still much appreciated.  
  
Kassio: thank you (grins) I refuse to be rushed.  
  
Psychotic Sorceress: New Year's resolution, to write a book that gets published.  
  
Rowan Rys: thank you and I'll be checking out your new chaps. Wow I triggered a muse, that's so cool and I'm so flattered.  
  
Adenara Yatman: Whoa how was that for a load of snow! I had to shovel! But it really made the island look pretty.  
  
Wavy Avey: Hope you're feeling better. Was it Emily Dickinson who wrote: "If he undervalues me, what care I how fair he be." Words to live by. No more tears, write a story and get some of that angst out.  
  
Galadriel: Yes I'm Canadian, a west coaster. You should tell your step mum that it bothers you when she continually insults your mum. Ask her why she does that. Can any of your brothers drive? If not maybe your step mum can drive you to the mall for an hour and then arrange a pickup place and time. In the meantime don't stress out about it cause it hasn't happened yet.  
  
Missy Black: you impatient one, I know it's frustrating when it does that 'chapter does not exist' especially when you know it does.  
  
Foxywolf: Go ahead and write that story, I'm sure it will be great. Harry and Lupin should be friends.  
  
Mellondrama: I love the long review, sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I haven't seen ROTK yet, so I'm guessing it was good.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Chapter 59 - In your shoes  
  
Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes  
  
Even if it was just for one day  
  
And wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away  
  
Wouldn't it be good to be on your side  
  
The grass is always greener over there  
  
And wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care  
  
Wouldn't it be good  
  
Nik Kershaw  
  
After talking to Snape, Harry had gone to his room and grabbed his coat and scarf. Then he headed outside to his favourite spot down by the lake. He breathed in the fresh air and watched birds skimming the water. He quietly thought to himself, 'here I am late afternoon on New Year's Eve and my life seems overwhelming.'  
  
The last day of the year in which he had lost Sirius. He let himself indulge in a few sweet memories; he saw once again Sirius' thin smiling face, felt his hand on his shoulder and heard his voice. He stared at the lake letting tears well up and fall unchecked. His final tribute for this year, a silent salute to someone he loved and missed terribly. He winced, when would he ever start feeling better, when would the day come when he wouldn't miss him so much.  
  
Tomorrow it would be a New Year. Sirius' death would be said to have happened last year. He wasn't ready to let go of this year, this link to Sirius. Next year people would start to forget about him. He would be in the past. People would say get over it, move on, yet it still hurt so much. He closed his eyes as more tears flowed and he brought up his hands. He sat like that for awhile when he suddenly heard a soft noise and realized that he wasn't alone. He opened his eyes to find Malfoy sitting near him, looking at him apprehensively.  
  
After having talked to Hermione, Draco slowly went to the Slytherin rooms and grabbed a warm cloak. He went down to the lake and saw Potter sitting on some rocks. From a distance he looked to be staring out at the lake but as he got closer Potter put his head into his hands and Draco realized he was crying. He quietly went closer to him and sat down on a rock. Potter must have heard him because suddenly he looked up. His green eyes blurred with tears.  
  
"Why are you here?" Potter snapped at him angrily.  
  
Draco didn't know how to answer or what to say. He stared out at the lake. "In the Occlumency today there was a fat man, a relative I assume, did he, I mean were you.." Draco sighed with frustration not sure how to ask what he was thinking.  
  
Harry wiped his face. "What you want Malfoy! Do you want to know if he beat me?" Harry asked with impatience.  
  
Draco looked at him then gave a curt nod.  
  
Harry took a deep breath. He realized his memory must have reminded Malfoy of his own beatings. He slowly shook his head. "No, he was always quick with punishing me but no he didn't actually beat me. He and my aunt made me live in a cupboard under the stairs for the first 11 years of my life; they didn't love me or want me. I was an inconvenience for them, the freak who brought shame to the wonderful name of Dursley." He explained sarcastically, glancing at Malfoy.  
  
Draco stared at the ground in front of him. "Did my father really kill that little girl?" He asked in a hesitant voice.  
  
A wall of anger built up in Harry. What right did Malfoy have to question him about his memories, he got to see them and that was enough. "What do you think Malfoy! He's a death eater, one of Voldemort's slaves, of course he murdered the child, and many more I'm sure."  
  
Malfoy visibly winced. Harry studied Malfoy. As upset as the vision had made him, he suddenly realized how it must have felt like for Malfoy seeing his father do something so horrible. "Shouldn't come as a surprise considering what he did to you."  
  
Draco took a shuddering breath. Despite the stomach vial, he still felt sick. Chills coursed through him and his chest hurt again. He looked at Potter and discovered himself under a green-eyed scrutiny.  
  
"What Potter? You think I deserved it all don't you!" He snarled at him angrily. "Well I didn't! I was little once too and I adored him, I spent all my life wanting him to be proud of me!"  
  
"I didn't say that you deserved it!" Harry said quietly. "Why didn't you tell someone?"  
  
Draco shouted. "Who would've cared? Crabbe? Goyle?" His icy flashed angrily. "They would have owled their fathers right away and they would have told my father and then I would have been punished for not behaving as a Malfoy heir is expected to. Another beating maybe the cruciatus curse thrown in for the fun of it!" Draco got to his feet, then with a gasp fell to his knees with a hand to his chest.  
  
Harry looked startled.. "Calm down, you shouldn't even be out here. I don't know why you are."  
  
With a ragged breath, "How stupid are you Potter, I came to thank you for letting me see your memories!"  
  
Harry froze startled by the admission. If Malfoy weren't gasping for air so horribly and weren't shaking so badly he would have laughed at the way he spat it out. Despite the situation he couldn't keep the tone of amusement out of his voice. "Really, I haven't heard anything that remotely sounded like you were grateful."  
  
"Thank you! Now shut up Potter." Draco coughed, fighting against the pain.  
  
Harry took a breath and tried to calm him. "Just try and take some deep breaths. Do you want me to get Snape?"  
  
Malfoy shook his head and faintly replied "No."  
  
They sat there for awhile in silence; the only sound was Malfoy's strained breathing and occasional coughing.  
  
"I'm sorry your godfather died." Draco said quietly remembering the horrible rush of emotion that overwhelmed him during Potter's memory in Occlumency.  
  
The green eyes sparked angrily. "Just shut up about him! You don't understand at all how it feels losing someone like that when you've never had anyone you cared about in your life! He was one of the few links to my parents. I loved him and I miss him and I don't want to talk about him with you!" Moisture sparkled in his eyes as he turned away.  
  
Anger stirred in Draco again as he shouted. "Don't you think I know how you feel! When I thought Professor Snape had died, I wanted to die, I didn't care if I froze to death out here, or got pneumonia or whatever, if Hermione hadn't found me I likely would have and I wanted to! You know, you saw everything, my mother would have been thrilled if the burden was out of her life and she didn't have to pretend anymore, my father would have been disappointed that his heir was gone and he had no-one to knock down anymore but maybe he would have been happy because the major disappointment in his life was gone." Draco then blurted out, "Without Professor Snape I had no one! But you Potter you have your doting public and just about every professor even my Snape."  
  
Harry frowned. "Your Snape? He's not exactly a broomstick or something Malfoy."  
  
Draco's eyes narrowed icily. "He loves me as if I were his son!"  
  
Harry looked at him. "Well then you do understand because Sirius loved me the same way, and I loved him too."  
  
Draco quieted down a bit.  
  
"I'm not trying to take Professor Snape away from you. You know I hated him for the longest time and he certainly couldn't stand me, but we're getting along better now. I think I understand him more and he realizes I'm not my father. He's always honest and straightforward. He's helping to fill the hole in my life that Sirius left."  
  
Draco looked at him warily. "So you feel the same way about him?"  
  
Harry shook his head. "No of course not. I could never feel the same way that I did about Sirius again. It's different. I did realize though when Snape almost died that I care about him a lot and I would really have missed him."  
  
Draco swallowed and coughed. He said in a voice barely above a whisper. "Thanks for helping to save him."  
  
Harry nodded, thoroughly bewildered.  
  
"Hermione didn't know anything about that strange voice, the one saying that you had to kill the dark lord, what was that?"  
  
Harry looked at him horrified. "You didn't tell her did you?"  
  
Draco started coughing, after a few minutes and few gasping breaths he replied. "What if I did? I thought you were all so close, best friends and all that lame stuff."  
  
Potter stayed silent. Draco stared at him. "They don't know do they? You're keeping secrets from them? Why would you do that? Don't you trust them?"  
  
Harry's green eyes shot daggers at him as responded slowly in a cool controlled voice. "It is none of your business!"  
  
"What are you afraid of?" Draco asked puzzled. "Are you afraid they're going to desert you, stop being your friends because you're supposed to kill the dark lord? He asked in disbelief.  
  
"Just shut your mouth Malfoy!" Harry hissed. "Do you think I want them to know? Endanger their lives. They almost died when Voldemort tricked me, and Sirius did die! I have enough deaths on my conscience without adding theirs to it. You have no idea how it feels to be responsible for someone's death!" Harry yelled at him the emotion of those events creeping over him as his throat closed and he turned away looking at the lake. "Don't bet on it Potter. Snape wanted me to go to a potions seminar with him on the Hogsmeade weekend. But my father had sent me a letter and I believed what his wrote so I went to meet him. After what he did to me, Snape went after him. It was my fault he almost died!"  
  
"But he didn't die did he." Growled Harry.  
  
"Neither did Hermione and Weasley." Draco responded icily.  
  
Harry took a deep breath. "Are you going to open your big mouth and blab?"  
  
Gray blue eyes glared. "I should. You didn't keep your mouth shut about what happened to me!" Malfoy sneered at him.  
  
"I only did that so they would give you a break. It explained your behaviour over the past five years. That's not an easy thing to look past. After hearing you didn't want to be a deatheater, we wanted to help you. "  
  
Malfoy sneered again. "I don't need your pity Potter! I survived 16 years without it!"  
  
Harry raised an eyebrow. "Yah, good job you did of it!"  
  
Malfoy jumped up and flew at Harry but Harry was quicker and stronger than Malfoy was at the moment. He easily grabbed his arms and restrained him against the tree.  
  
"Are you insane, you can barely breathe without a coughing fit." Malfoy struggled and Harry snarled. "Knock it off!"  
  
When a flash of pain crossed Malfoy's face, Harry let go of him.  
  
Draco sank to the ground; his chest hurting again and he had a hard time catching his breath.  
  
Harry sighed. "Look I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said what I did. You are no more to blame what happened to you than I am. I lost my parent's because they died protecting me, I wish it could have been different. I certainly would never chosen to have lived with the Dursleys." Draco breathed deeply trying to ease the pain. "Was that your mother begging the dark lord to spare your life? Draco asked in a choked voice.  
  
"Yes, both my parents died trying to save me, but my mum's love kept Voldemort's curse from killing me." Harry closed his eyes once again hearing his mum's pleas.  
  
Malfoy didn't respond. After a few moments Harry looked over at him. His hands were over his face.  
  
"Malfoy?"  
  
With a tear-laced voice, he spoke. "You are so lucky."  
  
Harry shook with rage at Malfoy's words. "I'm lucky? Because my parent's are dead? Just because you may wish yours were dead. If mine had lived they would never have been like yours. My father would not have beaten me and he would never have been a slave to Voldemort. He died fighting him to the bitter end. I'm not lucky! I would have been lucky if they had lived!"  
  
Malfoy started coughing again. His wrapped his arms across his chest as he hunched over. When the coughing fit died down, he spoke hoarsely. "You are lucky because you will always know they died because they loved you so much. I don't even have one memory of either of my parents ever saying they even liked me."  
  
Harry sighed deeply, an uncomfortable feeling gnawing at his insides. He had angrily jumped to the wrong conclusion about what Malfoy had meant. He was so wrapped up in his own misery he forgot what an incredible shock it must have been for Malfoy to reexperience his life during the Occlumency lesson on top of the fact Lucius had almost killed him. "I'm sorry but believe me, it doesn't feel any better knowing they died because of me, it just makes me feel hollow inside. I'm the boy who lived yet everyone around me dies."  
  
Draco sniffed. "I'm sorry." Then he gave a short bitter laugh. "I never thought I'd say that to you without someone forcing me."  
  
"Does that mean I'm seeing glimpses of the real Draco for the first time?"  
  
"I don't know. I'm not who I thought I would be, my father ruined that forever. I'm not someone that everyone respects and caters too. I'm not powerful!" With that Draco's face crumbled and he pulled his knees to his chest wrapping his arms tightly around them as his head dropped down. He sobbed silently, his shoulders shook but he uttered no sound.  
  
"None of us will say anything to anyone. You can go on being Malfoy." Harry reassured him.  
  
"I won't say anything about you either." Draco said quietly.  
  
"You're not your father, and that's something to be proud of." Harry said softly. 


	60. the greatest gift

A/N: Thanks all for your patience! And once again for the wonderful muse inspiring reviews. It took awhile with this chapter because it's a long one and required some more thought than usual. I wasn't happy with the first attempt so I needed two more days to get it to a point where I was comfortable with it. As this fan fic winds down I want all the main characters on a path to healing. I think I'm getting them there.  
  
Sorry if I've missed answering anyone's questions, I was searching through the reviews but I got booted out after page 2 because apparently there is heavy traffic on the fan fic pages. So I'll try to answer any I've missed next time.  
  
Ana: Sorry if it is a big issue for you and for the inconvenience you are experiencing in having to scroll down to the start of the chapters but as a writer it is of the utmost importance to me to first of all thank all my wonderful and faithful reviewers and to answer their questions. To make it easier about half way through I started to put a line in separating the A/N from the start of the chapter, which hopefully made it a bit easier to bypass. As for the self-pity in book 5, I agree it is definitely there in Harry and Snape's lives and I have carried it on. However I choose to look at it with empathy because Harry has been severely traumatized in his young life and at this point there are indications that Snape may also have been.  
  
Crystal113: Thanks, glad you enjoyed it, it's going on hiatus till April because I need to focus on real life and making my goals a reality so I'll be writing a novel and I need a good start on it (I figure by April I will need a break and will treat myself to continuing either on this story or making it a sequel)  
  
TUVA: WOW, thank you, virtual eyedrops to you.  
  
Eos elloeous: on the surface Draco won't let Crabbe and Goyle know that he doesn't forgive them but for safety's sake (Snape's and Harry's) he will carry on the charade of being the sneering evil little slytherin. Hmm for the sequel or continuation I'm not sure yet if I'll incorporate romance. Personally I like Harry and Hermione, they compliment each other in skills, personality and looks but not sure what I'll come up with. But there will not be any romance or pairing when it goes on hiatus.  
  
JKH: mmmmm chocolate covered Draco, just in time for pms when I'm craving chocolate. Thanks, I'll share if you want LOL.  
  
Pip3: Just so you know the 'fighting' between Draco and Harry (as well as Hermione and Ron) will not change even when I do the sequel but there will be grudging respect between them to temper it out.  
  
Mr. Krum: thanks for catching that error. It was one indeed. Once I'm done, I'm going to go back and fix all my grammar and spelling. Another German reviewer, I love it there, Munich, Rothenburg, Nuremberg, I have happy memories. How do I come up with the stuff, I can't really answer that I credit my muse, it all just happens.  
  
Lilia Snape: Thank you and let me know what you think of the Snape/Draco much needed talk.  
  
Nana-hedwig: thank you for the lovely review but help I'm confused by your question. 'How Draco knows that what Lucius did was real? He only suspects it or he knows? Did Lucius tell him?' What are you referring to? Let me know and I'll try to answer in the next chapter or two. I'll be writing an angsty young adult story and will likely call it the 'dark side of the moon', haven't really got the plot figured out yet but I have a grip on some of the characters.  
  
Questie: Thanks so much! I will bring this to a close so it can be a stand alone. It will continue but it may be as a sequel. I might rename it to Solstice (fall and winter) and the sequel will be Solstice (spring and summer), not sure yet.  
  
Adenara Yatman: What do you think of the snow now? I had to take a day off from work, not that I minded though but I can relate to the steep driveway, when shoveling it I swear it's mount everest.  
  
Jared Angel: Harry will talk about the prophecy soon but not to Draco (full trust isn't there yet)  
  
Denise: thank you for those wonderful reviews, much appreciated. The April one will be a continuation or sequel to this one. I might do some one shot fics in between if I get writer's block while working on the novel.  
  
Vampire Queen: Don't know where you are but am blowing snow in all directions cause there's so much of it and it keeps coming down. I'm totally snowed in and sniff sniff there's no chocolate in the house and I want some. Grins despite the craving.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Chapter 60 - The greatest gift  
  
Snape looked up startled when his door opened and Harry walked in helping Draco. Draco was ashen and his breathing laboured.  
  
"What happened?" Snape asked concerned as he assisted Draco onto the bed.  
  
"He came down to the lake to talk to me, and had trouble breathing." Harry explained.  
  
"You are supposed to be resting Draco, you could have spoken to Harry when he came back inside.' Snape said softly.  
  
Draco coughed feeling miserable.  
  
"Hermione, Ron and I will be roasting some marshmallows and having some butterbeer for New Year's Eve, maybe later if you feel better you could join us for a little while." Harry offered.  
  
"Maybe." Draco replied faintly  
  
"Thank you for bringing him to me." Snape told Harry.  
  
As Harry left, he ran into Dumbledore in the hallway.  
  
The old wizard put his hand on Harry's head. "Professor Snape told me about the Occlumency today. That was a very generous deed. It may not seem like it now but I will assure you, one day it will be repaid tenfold. Of that I have no doubt."  
  
Harry smiled wryly. "Malfoy actually came to talk to me, and in his own unusual reluctant way he thanked me."  
  
Dumbledore smiled. "I am very happy to hear that, I was hoping he would find the strength to do so." His expression changed to one of concern. "Harry how are you, your memories must have been painful."  
  
Harry shrugged.  
  
"You know no one who had the privilege of knowing Sirius will ever forget him, no matter how many years pass. He will forever be a part of your heart a part of your soul, that will not go away."  
  
Dumbledore's understanding words made Harry's throat close and he had to blink quickly. He turned away and took a quick halting breath. He found himself being turned back to face the headmaster. "Focus on the love that surrounds you, from those of us who are with you and those just beyond the veil."  
  
"Sirius loved me not just because I'm the potential savior of the wizarding world, it was real. I still miss him so much." Harry said with resentment in his voice.  
  
Dumbledore looked at him concern heavy in his eyes. "Harry, do you believe I only care because of what the prophecy says?"  
  
Harry didn't answer.  
  
"Tell me the truth please." Dumbledore persisted.  
  
"If you really cared about me you wouldn't have left me with the Dursley's and you would have told me the truth. You ignored me all of last year because you were afraid of what Voldemort might do to you through me. Aside from Sirius and Hermione and Ron you were the only one I trusted. If you hadn't done that Sirius wouldn't have died." The words he had been harbouring close to his heart for many months finally spilled out.  
  
"I see. Thank you for telling me the truth. I can't argue that part of the reason I force you to return to the Dursley's was because I was afraid that Voldemort would kill you if I didn't, I don't want you to die Harry. Your parents didn't want you to die. So yes I have selfish reasons aside from caring about you I also care about the light, and I do not want good innocent people to die at Voldemort's hands. I still believe I have a purpose to stay alive and help you in this battle as much as I can and that's why I kept my distance from you, if Voldemort had possessed you and it was a choice between you under his control killing me or myself having to kill you, I would not have killed you and Voldemort knows that. I take full blame for what happened to Sirius, and all I can say again is how sorry I am. I am a wizard with some special powers but I still possess all the same foibles that mankind does. I made mistakes last school year and my heart aches for you when I see the pain you are in. But Harry you must understand, that I love you, and it is separate from you being the prophesized savior. In all those years you were with the Dursley's I have watched over you. You are strong Harry and despite their treatment you have grown into an incredible young man who anyone who knows you is very proud of. Your compassion yesterday and again today proves that. Very few people would be able to reach out to someone like Draco and show enough empathy to his situation and help him. You will find that at some point you will have a loyal friend. It will take time. But I believe one day you will remember my words."  
  
Harry didn't respond.  
  
Dumbledore's arms closed around him and in a strained voice, "I love you like a grandson Harry, and I will do everything in my power to help you and protect you for as long as I am able."  
  
Harry's throat closed, and in a strangled voice he whispered "Thank you. When you ignored me last school year it really hurt. Over the last four years I had come to think of you as a kind of grandfather."  
  
"Yet when you needed to talk you still couldn't quite trust me. I hope I can change that during this next year. I will also try not to be so protective and to shield you from things you should know. Will you forgive me for that?"  
  
"Yes." Came Harry's muffled voice.  
  
Dumbledore kissed the top of Harry's head. "Now go and have some fun. I'm sure your father and Sirius are routing for you to get into some mischief in their honour. But not too much mischief or I'll have to hand out detentions."  
  
Harry smiled wryly and headed down the hallway.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Snape sat on the edge of his bed and applied a warmth package to Draco's chest.  
  
"Are you just having trouble breathing or is there also pain?"  
  
"It hurts." Draco gasped.  
  
Snape sighed. "Yesterday and today have been a shock to your body." He got up and brought him a small vial.  
  
Draco took it and downed it quickly. He lay back down against the pillows feeling very uncomfortable. His heart was still racing and his chest didn't feel any better. He didn't know what to say to Snape.  
  
Snape looked at the teen, he was terribly worried about him but he was still being so distant. Draco looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here with him.  
  
"You get some rest and I'll be back later." Snape said to him hesitantly not really wanting to leave him alone but respecting that the boy likely wanted some time to himself.  
  
He glanced over to him when Draco didn't respond. He lay back on the pillows with one hand over his face.  
  
Puzzled Snape went over to him. "Draco? What's wrong?"  
  
He took a ragged breath and choked out. "I don't know" as a soft sob escaped his lips.  
  
Snape sat down on the bed. "Shhhh, it's ok, your emotions are obviously close to the surface. Draco you have been through a lot. You were almost killed less than two weeks ago, then that occlumency lesson brought back a lot of negative memories." He patted his elbow. "I'm so sorry about the occlumency. I should never have allowed it."  
  
"You were just doing what I wanted." Draco responded coughing again.  
  
"Yes but I'm the adult, I knew even if you didn't want to hear it how hard it would be." He stroked Draco's hair. "I would have ended the spell right away but I think I was in shock and I froze."  
  
Draco slowly sat up, he still had one hand over his face, Snape could see the tears running down his face.  
  
"Do you still care?" Draco asked between choppy breaths.  
  
Snape's heart almost stopped. "That's not why I didn't end the spell. Your memories made me sick, all those years of abuse from when you were little to now. I knew your life was hell but I never imagined that Lucius was so brutal, so often. You should have told me."  
  
Draco winced, he felt like Snape was sorry for him but didn't really care anymore. He wiped his eyes. "With my father as powerful as he was, there was nothing you could have done."  
  
Snape saw Draco withdraw again. He knew how badly he was hurting but didn't know what more to say to him.  
  
A knock came at the door. Snape left the room to answer it. Professor Dumbledore stood there. "Severus, I just ran into Harry in the hallway, I wanted to check on Draco, how is he feeling?"  
  
Snape shook his head. "Not so good."  
  
"May I see him?"  
  
Snape nodded and pointed him to the bedroom.  
  
Draco had lain down on his side. His head hurt, his chest hurt, he just wanted to curl into a ball. Loki came and lay beside him purring, he wrapped one arm around the big cat and closed his eyes.  
  
Dumbledore entered the bedroom and quietly sat down on a chair by the bed. Gently he stroked the pale blond hair.  
  
When Draco opened his eyes, Dumbledore spoke. "I wanted to come and talk to you for a moment. I spoke to Harry in the hallway. I am very proud of you for finding the courage to talk to Harry, exhibiting some humility and most importantly showing some empathy." He smiled at him softly.  
  
No one had ever told him he had courage, that was usually reserved for Potter. The fact that Dumbledore was proud of him caused a wave of something he couldn't decipher to well up inside of him.  
  
In a choked voice Draco responded. "I couldn't at first."  
  
"But you did eventually and that's what counts." Dumbledore looked at him closely. "Something is weighing heavily on your heart, can you talk to me about it?"  
  
Draco shook his head, looking miserable. He winced as he coughed again.  
  
"May I?" Dumbledore asked as he grasped the comforter.  
  
Draco pushed it back nodding. Soon through Dumbledore's healing touch, his chest felt a little better and he could breath a little easier.  
  
Dumbledore looked at him with concern. "You know we all care about you don't you?"  
  
Draco nodded hesitantly.  
  
The headmaster worried, he knew Draco still felt isolated, frightened and alone. He was like Harry dealing with traumas that were far too serious for either of them to handle alone.  
  
He stroked Draco's hair again. "I'm going to leave now, but if I could offer one piece of advice. Talk to Professor Snape."  
  
Draco swallowed, his grey blue eyes full of uncertainty.  
  
As Dumbledore left, he patted Severus on the shoulder and whispered in his ear, "he needs you, talk to him, reassure him."  
  
Snape's dark eyes looked at him full of uncertainty. Dumbledore left Snape's room with a long weary sigh.  
  
When Snape entered the bedroom, he found Draco curled up on his side around Loki, his eyes were closed.  
  
He sat down in the chair beside the bed. Draco opened his eyes and looked at him for a moment then dropped his gaze and stared at the cat. Draco wanted him to talk to Snape but what could he say. How could he blurt out 'I'm sorry I said I hate you because I don't really oh and by the way do you still love me or do you regret having those papers drawn up?'  
  
Snape looked uncertain. What could he say to Draco? He seemed to have forgiven him for not stopping the occlumency lesson; he had even made some sort of peace with Potter, yet he was so distant. Did he perhaps have doubts about not living at Malfoy Manor; did he miss all the riches? Somehow he couldn't imagine he would want to live with Narcissa and risk Lucius finding him. Yet he had to ask.  
  
"Do you miss being at Malfoy Manor?"  
  
Draco's eyes grew wide with alarm. "No, please, I don't want to go back there." His words came out in a panic.  
  
Alarmed and realizing he had once again said the wrong thing, Snape immediately reassured him. "No of course your not going back there, I just wondered because you seem so uncomfortable here. I am personally thrilled that you are finally free of your parents but I worry that maybe I'm not the person who should be your guardian. You don't seem to be happy here with me. Is there anyone else from the Professors who names are on the papers you would rather have?"  
  
Draco looked at Snape who's tone had a note of hurt in it. He shook his head and turned his face into the pillow. He felt Professor Snape's hand on his shoulder and he realized that Snape still cared very much that he hadn't held his hastily said words against him. With a shuddering sob he sat up and wrapped his arms around Snape's neck, hiding his face on his shoulder.  
  
"Hush Draco, now you are really scaring me, what is wrong?" Snape's heart raced as he felt his shoulder getting wet. He stroked his back and softly pleaded in a low voice. "Please tell me."  
  
After a few moments, Draco shakily said, "after the occlumency lesson I told you I hated you. I didn't mean it but I thought you didn't care anymore that you regretted having those papers drawn up, that maybe you would make me go back."  
  
Snape winced and he felt a burning sensation in his eyes as he hugged him closer. "Never Draco. Nothing like that ever crossed my mind. When I said I love you I meant it, those aren't words I utter carelessly."  
  
Draco's hard grip on him loosened a little. "What about Potter?"  
  
Snape took a deep breath. "I care about Harry very much, in some ways perhaps I am also starting to think of him as a son. But Draco you need to realize that one can love in many ways. Love isn't something that gets used up. There isn't a limit to it. And there are many forms of it, the love a parent has for a child, a man for a woman, a friend for a friend. No matter what you say or do I will keep caring about you and loving you. When you said you hate me, I knew those were the words of an angry, desperate boy, I didn't stop and say that's it I now stop caring about Draco. In time you will start to realize that love is forgiving, unending, even death doesn't stop it."  
  
Draco took a shaky breath, remembering Potter's words about his godfather. He realized that he still loved him even though he was dead. He bit his lip not knowing what the right words were but knowing they were words he had wanted to say for a long time. "I love you too."  
  
Snape's heart caught in his throat. His eyes filled with tears. Lucius would never know what he was missing. 


	61. a cup o’ kindness

A/N: In honour of our Hogswarts clan, roasted marshmallows to all you wonderful reviewers! I wouldn't have done it without you. There are two more chapters coming, basically one dealing with Snape/Harry/Draco and the last one with just Snape/Harry and an occlumency lesson. If there is anything you would like to see happen let me know and if I can fit it into what's already in my head for these last two, I'll add it, if I can't I encourage you to write your own fanfic or even one shot 'smiles'. Thanks to all of you who wished me luck with the book.  
  
Chillkroete: You are welcome, it makes me so happy hearing that you enjoy it.  
  
Nana Hedwig; Thank You, Draco doesn't know about Harry's visions, he just assumes that Harry saw it happen.  
  
Heather Snape: I can relate, I got stuck in the snow too.  
  
Vampire Queen: ugh I had braces when I was 11, it was torture getting them tightened, you have my sympathy and btw I love your long rambly humourous reviews.  
  
Rosaleen: virtual kleenex shares to you  
  
Snapefan: Thank you and virtual kleenex shares to you also.  
  
Hermione Green: wow more virtual kleenex shares.  
  
Arya winds: Thank you so much, a muse is an inspiration or as I find it the invisible creative force that guides the writing process, for example I sit down at the computer with an idea for a chapter and suddenly as I am writing it goes a different direction and almost writes itself. Now technically a Muse is out of Greek Mythology, there were 9 goddesses who presided over song and poetry and the arts and sciences they were called the Muses.  
  
I hadn't thought of putting on a disclaimer because it's a fan fiction page and rather obviously not original but thanks for the JKR reference, I'm blushing.  
  
Kangaroo: A HUGE thank you for all the wonderful reviews and for acting like my 'agent'. I kept getting reviews from readers saying you recommended they tune it. Alcoholic butterbeer for you.  
  
chuckleseviltroll312: You let me know as soon as you have them posted and I'll check them out and review. I'm afraid there will only be two more chapters. There will likely be a sequel starting sometime in April.  
  
Supernova: mmmm thanks for the brownies (they were low fat right, cause I ate them all at once)  
  
Marauder 3 moony: lol you are growling at me? Are you Draco in disguise or Snape?  
  
Mr. Krum: Yes there is definitely self pity but also in both boy's cases a lot of fear. Harry is terrified of losing those he loves and being responsible for their deaths. Draco is terrified of losing Snape and terrified of Lucius (remember Lucius' words, you will take the dark mark soon, a little hint for you of the sequel).  
  
Foxy Wolf: You have a wonderful talent, your poetry is awesome! Parts of it made me think of Draco and Lucius. Excellent poem.  
  
JKH: you make me laugh! Thanks for the low fat caramel Harry and Snape's they were yummy.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
Chapter 61 - a cup o' kindness  
  
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,  
  
And never brought to mind?  
  
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,  
  
And days of auld lang syne?  
  
And days of auld lang syne, my dear,  
  
And days of auld lang syne.  
  
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,  
  
And days of auld lang syne? And ther's a hand, my trusty friend,  
  
And gie's a hand o' thine;  
  
We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet,  
  
For auld lang syne.  
  
Robbie Burns  
  
Harry sat in front of the fire. Ron and Hermione joined him with a bag of marshmallows and some sticks.  
  
"Are you okay?" Hermione asked. After talking to Draco and seeing how upset he was she knew some of Harry's memories must have been very upsetting.  
  
"I'm better. Dumbledore and I talked." Harry smiled at her but his green eyes still looked worried.  
  
"Did Draco go to talk to you?"  
  
Harry smiled softly. "Yah, that was a surprise. We sort of ironed some things out. He actually made me realize there was something I needed to do."  
  
Ron's brow wrinkled. "It's nothing dangerous is it, because I still don't trust him."  
  
"No no it's nothing like that." Harry took a deep breath and skewered one of the marshmallows on a stick. He held it into the flames watching it turn brown.  
  
Ron and Hermione looked at each other confused. "So what is it then?" Hermione asked softly.  
  
Harry swallowed, looking rather uncomfortable. "The prophecy."  
  
Hermione sighed. "Don't worry about it Harry. It's pointless to wonder what it said."  
  
"I know what it predicted." He responded in a quiet voice.  
  
Ron moved closer. "How?"  
  
"Last year after what happened, Dumbledore took me into his office. We talked, well he talked I yelled and destroyed his office."  
  
"What!" Hermione asked in disbelief.  
  
"I was upset with him over Sirius' death and for not telling me about a lot of things." Harry looked at her with wide eyes. His gaze went back to the fire. "After I calmed down he told me there was something he had been keeping from me for years." He took a deep shuddering breath.  
  
Hermione went closer to him and put her head on his shoulder. "It's okay, whatever it is it's okay. You can tell us."  
  
"Come on Harry." Ron encouraged.  
  
"Dumbledore had the real prophecy, the one that was destroyed was just a copy." He explained.  
  
"What did it say?" Hermione whispered.  
  
"Basically that I am the only one who can vanquish Voldemort, neither of us can live while the other survives. If I want to live I have to kill him." Harry said quietly feeling rather sick. Hermione clutched him tighter. Ron bit his lip looking at him with immense sympathy welling in his eyes.  
  
"I'll help you any way I can." Ron assured him.  
  
"Me too." Hermione whispered.  
  
"No." Choked out Harry. "I don't want either of you to die. I couldn't stand it." He buried his face in Hermione's hair.  
  
Hermione pulled back and put her hands on either side of his face. "Listen if you don't kill him neither Ron nor I will live anyway. If he wins everyone is dead anyway." She glanced at Ron who moved closer and nodded. "Ron and I would rather die trying to help you win than die doing nothing."  
  
"It's not your job to keep us safe Harry." Ron softly added. ****************************************************************  
  
Draco woke up hours later feeling rested and stronger than he had in days. Snape had sat beside him after their talk until he had fallen asleep. Professor McGonagall had just come into the room.  
  
"How are you feeling?" She asked with a smile.  
  
He grinned. "Hungry."  
  
"Now that's good news. I was sent to check up on you and to see if you'd like to come for a little while to the Gryffindor common room for food and roasted marshmallows."  
  
Draco looked around. "Where's Professor Snape?"  
  
"He had to go to his office and do some preparation for next weeks classes."  
  
Draco paused. The thought of sitting around a fire with the golden trio was ludicrous yet a part of him was jealous of what they have and to be a part of it was tempting.  
  
Minerva watched the emotions cross Draco's face. Years of resentment and hate didn't normally vanish so quickly yet after what he had suffered at the hands of his father there was hope that he would grasp at the offer of friendship. She knew Draco acted rashly at times but he was an intelligent lad.  
  
"Maybe I could try for a little while?" He looked at her hesitantly.  
  
"Of course. You can come right back here whenever you want. Come on now you need to get some food into you as once again the men have forgotten you also need good nourishment."  
  
Draco smiled as she was always trying to get food into him. "Um, Professor McGonagall, I need to get dressed."  
  
She shook her head. "Professor Snape has strict instructions that you rest for this evening, which means you will be on the sofa in front of the fire. You can put your robe over your pajamas."  
  
"But Hermione will be there."  
  
McGonagall's eyebrows shot up. "Yes, is that a problem?"  
  
Draco flushed slightly.  
  
"After they found you, and when we were trying to heal you, you wore considerably less at times, so seeing you in a robe and pajamas certainly won't be a shock to her."  
  
"I didn't mean that, I.." with a frustrated snort Draco stopped and just slipped into the robe McGonagall held out.  
  
"Mr. Weasley mentioned after the occlumency lesson that you had asked for me, I'm sorry I was in Hogsmeade, but I wanted to reassure you that you are welcome to come and talk to me anytime."  
  
Draco froze for a moment. "What did Weasley say?"  
  
"Not much, just that you had wanted to talk to me and since I wasn't around you went to Professor Dumbledore. I spoke to Professor Snape later however. I'm so sorry for everything that happened to you."  
  
He nodded.  
  
"You are safe now." She squeezed his arm. "Are you starting to feel a little better?"  
  
"Yes." He gave her a small smile.  
  
When they entered the Gryffindor common room, the mood seemed very somber. The golden trio looked up at him but they seemed distracted and looked uncomfortable.  
  
Draco cleared his throat. "I don't have to be here, I can go back again."  
  
Harry was the first one on his feet. "No stay, we were just talking." His green eyes looked worried. He added. "I told them."  
  
Draco realized he was talking about those strange eerie words he had heard during the occlumency lesson.  
  
"Malfoy knows?" Ron burst out.  
  
Hermione put a restraining hand on his arm, realization dawning. "I think he heard part of it during Harry's occlumency lesson."  
  
Draco gave a quick nod in their direction, then looked at Harry. "I'm glad you found the guts to tell them."  
  
Harry's eyes narrowed. "It wasn't a matter of guts."  
  
Draco swallowed realizing he would have to pay more attention to what he said to the golden boy. Old habits were hard to break. He nodded again as Professor McGonagall prodded him towards the sofa.  
  
"Mr. Malfoy is under strict orders to stay on the sofa, nothing strenuous. I have vial of the stomach potion in case he needs it" She handed it to Hermione. "Professor Snape will come and pick him up in a few hours. I trust you will all behave yourselves?" She looked at them sternly. "If you need me use the fireplace. I will be having a New Year's toast with the other professors in the headmasters office."  
  
After she left, Ron broke into a huge grin, "Well now that it's getting closer to midnight, I'll bring out the surprise. Seamus left it for us for Christmas actually, but since we weren't here I thought I'd wait till New Year's to bring it out." He disappeared for a moment and then brought out a case of 6 Butterbeers.  
  
"It's the alcoholic kind." Ron grinned.  
  
"No, no way! We can't drink that. We could get expelled for that!" Hermione freaked out.  
  
Draco burst out laughing. "Is she always like this?"  
  
Ron grinned. "Pretty much."  
  
Harry smiled fondly at Hermione.  
  
"Well I'm not drinking any!" She stated in a huff.  
  
"Come on Mione, you know they aren't very strong, you can have one." Ron coaxed.  
  
"I've seen what drinking those does to people." She countered.  
  
"Crabbe and Goyle and I have had them." Draco spoke up.  
  
She snorted. "Well then, point proven."  
  
Draco burst out laughing. "I thought you Gryffindors were supposed to be nice."  
  
She glared at him while Harry and Ron tried to suppress their laughter.  
  
Ron popped a bottle open and handed one to Harry and Draco.  
  
"Ron, Draco's not well yet, he shouldn't be drinking." Hermione spoke up looking at him with worry.  
  
"I'm fine." Draco said with a disgruntled tone in his voice.  
  
Harry handed him a plate of sandwiches and some roasted marshmallows. "At least eat something or McGonagall will have all our heads."  
  
Draco put the plate of sandwiches on his lap and started eating.  
  
Hermione grabbed one of the bottles and popped one open herself.  
  
"I thought you weren't going to have any?" Harry asked.  
  
She smiled. "I changed my mind." She took a tiny sip. "Do you realize they don't taste very different from the regular butterbeers?"  
  
Ron smirked. "Yes they do, much better."  
  
"The alcoholic content is so low and besides it's not like we're going anywhere tonight." Harry stated.  
  
Hermione leant back smiling mischievously, "So time for truth, who is the last person you have kissed?"  
  
Harry blushed. "Cho. What about you Ron?"  
  
"Padma." Ron replied sadly. Then he added. "Malfoy what about you?"  
  
"Pansy, well actually she kissed me. Hermione what about you?"  
  
Hermione with a glint in her eye. "Harry."  
  
"What?" both Draco and Ron responded.  
  
Harry's eyes widened as he looked at Hermione with surprise.  
  
She giggled. "On the cheek. Ron didn't specify where."  
  
Harry smiled softly remembering when she did that.  
  
"I thought you meant on the lips of course." Ron grumbled.  
  
"A lady doesn't kiss and tell." Hermione grinned lifting her chin.  
  
After eating the sandwiches and drinking the butterbeer an incredible sleepiness overcame Draco and he found it hard keeping his eyes open.  
  
"Shhhhh, our guest has fallen asleep." Harry interrupted Ron's recap on his first outing on his firebolt.  
  
Hermione went closer to the sofa gently removing the mug that dangled precariously close to the edge. She pulled a blanket over him.  
  
"Who would ever have thought that the three of us would be spending New Year's Eve with Draco Malfoy." She asked.  
  
Ron snorted. "Certainly not me." Then he laughed softly. "I'm surprised Trelawny didn't predict it, it would have been bizarre enough."  
  
As they munched on the last of their honeydukes Christmas chocolates, Harry filled them in on Dumbledore's plan to teach them all occlumency and more skills to fight the dark arts with.  
  
Hermione got all excited at the prospect of more classes in the New Year. "I can't wait, I wonder if we'll learn how to apparate?" Her enthusiasm was interrupted by Draco.  
  
"No stop it please, hurts so bad, stop please." Draco whimpered, thrashing about.  
  
Draco woke up breathing hard and realizing the golden trio were looking at him in shock. With a shuddering breath, he realized tears were coursing down his face. "Damn it!" he whispered. He pushed them out of the way, leapt off the bed and headed for the door. He didn't want any more pity.  
  
Stunned by his sudden action, Ron, Harry and Hermione jumped up to go after him.  
  
"Draco, it's okay, come back." Hermione yelled after him. "Accio Malfoy." Ron blurted out waving his wand.  
  
Draco came to a dead stop and found himself lifted off his feet and thrown backwards; he landed in a heap on the soft carpet almost on top of Ron.  
  
Stunned he sat up, wiping his face and breathing in shock. Hermione immediately went down and put an arm around him. "Are you okay? Ron you're not supposed to use that spell on a person!"  
  
"Sorry but it jumped into my mind when I was trying to stop him." He and Harry knelt down beside him. "Sorry Malfoy, I didn't mean to hurt you."  
  
"I'm not hurt." Draco said quietly trying to even out his breathing.  
  
"You don't need to be embarrassed." Harry added.  
  
"I'm not." Draco responded refusing to look up.  
  
"It was the cruciatus curse wasn't it?" Harry asked his green eyes wide with shock.  
  
Draco reluctantly nodded. He patted Hermione's arm and pulled out of her embrace.  
  
"Your father?" Harry probed.  
  
Draco's grey blue gaze looked at Harry angrily. He shouted. "Who else!" Then taking another calming breath he explained. "When I was 11, I ran away to Hogswarts after, after he was upset with me. Later when I went back on a weekend during school, he punished me with the curse." His voice had dropped to a whisper but then he took a deep breath and got to his feet.  
  
He went back and lay down on the sofa looking at them with resentment.  
  
Harry saw that he was covering his embarrassment with the classic Malfoy glare. "Hey it's almost midnight, grab a mug."  
  
They lifted all lifted their mugs making wishes for happy New Year. As Ron and Hermione were laughing over something. Harry thought of Sirius and turned away from the others for a moment as he closed his eyes. He opened them again and turned back meeting Draco's tortured gaze.  
  
Draco tried to focus on the New Year ahead, he was sure would be an improvement over the old one but for a moment he thought of Lucius, the looming specter that hung over him. He met Harry's wounded look.  
  
Draco cleared his throat and quietly said, "To your godfather." Harry cleared his throat and lifted his glass connecting with Draco's. Then added, "To Snape." Draco smiled softly not breaking the connection with Harry. "To a better year." 


	62. the burden of bitterness

A/N: So sorry for the long delay! I got hit by writer's block and a busy life. In addition when I did finally start writing I got an email from fan fic admin. Telling me my uploading privileges were temporarily suspended. Apparently I goofed and didn't realize the two author notes I had posted as chapters long ago were against fan fic rules, (ahem not liking rules much I guess I originally disregarded that, actually don't even remember ever reading that, I think originally I was in a hurry to upload I never read any rules) and hence the powers that be at fan fic banned me briefly from uploading.sigh I thought I'd be a Gryffindor but perhaps there's Slytherin in me after all (grins). Glad Lucius isn't in charge of meting out punishments at fan fic! So during my 'banishment' I made the chapter longer and hence it is probably my longest one ever.  
  
Ok so this second to last chapter is somewhat dark and angsty yet offers hope and progress. I see Snape as someone who has had one blow in life after another and of course when that happens it is very hard to stay positive and focused. The optimism disappears and the world stays dark. It would be easy to sum it up as just self pity but it goes deeper than that, and any one who has experienced it knows how hard it is to let that light and hope and optimism back into the mind and to focus on what is positive and on the hope that it is within one's power to gradually change things back to the good. Snape is a bitter man who despite all that bitterness still somehow finds the strength to help the light side showing that somewhere in that dark bitter controlled man resides a spark of hope no matter how desperately he seems to bury it within. Draco is still adjusting to all the events that happened to him in a relatively short period of time, he's confused as to who he is, he hasn't figured it out yet.  
  
As always thank you so much to my wonderful reviewers. Love you all and instead of food this time I send virtual hugs from Snape, Draco and Harry (not necessarily in that order, Draco's trying to get in the front of the line but Harry's standing firm, Snape's needs a bit of prodding as he's rather reserved, oh wait ok he sighs looking a bit like a deer caught in the headlights at the thought of being hugged but he's stepping forward, there's hope for him yet).  
  
To all who loved the 'accio malfoy', it just popped out and I even ended up howling over the image it presented. However one reviewer DIANTRESS had an even better idea, to have Ron catch him, ooooh wouldn't that have been a sight to see, Draco ending up in Ron's arms, lol what an awkward moment that would have been. (still grinning over that one)  
  
Texas Jeanette: You got me all choked up, thank you so much, I loved the review so much especially the last part because it is what I believe.  
  
Morgana: WOW, thank you so much for all that feedback, what an incredible review I feel my head swelling. I really appreciate it. My preference for the defeat of Voldemort definitely mirrors yours.  
  
Moldanubikum: Not in this chapter but I'll see if I can fit a little into the last one.  
  
Lilia Snape: your wish is below, hope you enjoy. Let me know when you write one.  
  
Living Angel: your wish is below, hope you enjoy.  
  
Snapefan: Thank you for the long review and the yummy extra chocolate hot cocoa.  
  
Arya Winds: Thank you so much no I'm afraid I don't read Ella enchanted. Write a HP one and I'll check it out.  
  
Supernova, now that I've finally finished this one extra long chapter, I'll check out your new story.  
  
Chuckleseviltroll: You'll have to wait till your bday to see if I'll email you with a surprise spoiler. And yes of course you can dole out the virtual junkfood with my blessing, just be sure to send me extra chocolate (grins)  
  
Ms. Padfoot; sniff you got me all choked up, thank you.  
  
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Chapter 62 - the burden of bitterness  
  
After a New Years feast in the great hall Draco and Harry found themselves in Professor Snape's office.  
  
He had requested a meeting with both of them.  
  
He beckoned them to sit down on the sofa as he sat in a chair across from them.  
  
"Draco, I realize you are wary and at this point opposed to any more Occlumency lessons but you are in danger and because of what you now know your knowledge puts us all in danger. Therefore private Occlumency lessons are a must and in a few weeks when you have fully recovered from your injuries we will continue."  
  
Draco looked resentful and shook his head.  
  
"If the Dark Lord gets a hold of you and probes your mind, he will know I am working both sides and I am teaching Harry occlumency. Which means I am as good as dead." Snape stated looking Draco in the eye.  
  
He turned a shade paler as the defiance left his eyes. "Okay." He agreed quietly.  
  
Snape nodded. "Thank you."  
  
He looked over at Harry, who looked apprehensive. He knew the teen was worried that he would never learn Occlumency but with the dreams starting up again, it was of the utmost importance to train him immediately.  
  
"I have asked you both to be here today because there are some things I want you to see about me, to better understand me. To not fly off the handle if I say something that upsets your delicate sensibilities. My life has not been easy; it is something the three of us share in various degrees. I have not always handled things well."  
  
He got up. "Harry as you have done once before I want you to perform legilimens on me. Draco I want you to put your hand on Harry's wand so you too will see these images. They are important."  
  
Draco reluctantly put his hand on the wand. He glanced at Potter who looked incredibly uncomfortable.  
  
Harry reluctantly held the wand; he knew the pain and agony that lay at end of the legilimens spell. He cleared his throat. "Legilimens."  
  
'In the first flash they saw a hook nosed dark man hitting a lovely young woman knocking her into a wall. A young thin dark haired boy ran up to the woman while the man grabbed him by the hair and viciously hit him, knocking him out.  
  
The next flash showed the young boy lying on the ground while the man chanted a spell that caused bloody gashes to appear on his body as he writhed in agony.  
  
The next flash showed a dark haired teenager with tears streaming down his face reading a letter stating that his father had killed his mother.  
  
A mind numbing pain accompanied the next image as the dark mark was burned into the teenage Snape's skin.  
  
They then saw a young Snape hurling the Avada Kedavra curse at the older hood nosed man. Snape then fell to his knees curling into a ball.  
  
Then a rush of terrible fear, horror and guilt as an entire family was murdered in front of their eyes.  
  
Then Snape crying as he looked into the vacant green eyes of the woman in his arms.  
  
Then a grown up version of Snape backhanding Draco, knocking him into a wall.  
  
Then Snape snarling that the events at Hogsmeade were all Harry's fault.  
  
Then Dumbledore on the floor beside Snape with his arm around him as he sobbed.'  
  
Draco shaking violently let go of the wand and fell to the floor. Harry lifted the spell. He too was trembling and he had seen enough.  
  
Snape collapsed to the ground shivering violently, tears coursing down his face, as he held his head in his hands. Snape felt sick and his heart ached. His life had been an endless array of hopeless years full of heartache and pain. The only lifeline that had kept him going was the headmaster who offered him salvation, hope and optimism. Things that he latched onto but never allowed himself to really believe possible.  
  
He looked at Harry who's wonderful green eyes were so like his mothers. His eyes had welled up full of sympathy. Would he too end up lying dead, those eyes closed to him forever because the dark side won. How could he help Harry to defeat the Dark Lord when he doubted it was possible? How much more heartache lay in the future?  
  
His blurry eyes lit on Draco, who had crumbled to the floor and was trying to hide the tears racing down his cheeks. Would Lucius get him and kill him, would the Dark Lord torture him to death for choosing the light?  
  
Would he have to watch all this or would he hopefully be dead before this happened? He hoped his cursed existence would have ended before any of that happened.  
  
Knowing that Malfoy was still recovering Harry dropped down beside him first while keeping a concerned eye on Snape. He put his hand on his shoulder but Malfoy pulled away. He was shaking.  
  
"Come on, you know Snape needs us. Take those deep breaths." Harry said softly.  
  
His eyes opened looking angry. "Why don't you go to him and get out of my face."  
  
Harry's eyes narrowed not understanding Malfoy's hostility. He shook his head at him.  
  
He went over to Snape. "Are you okay?"  
  
Snape sat back wiping his face. "I'm fine, Harry."  
  
Harry swallowed. "I don't know what to say." "You don't need to say anything but since we need to work together closely I think it's important for you." He stopped and glanced at Draco. "Both of you to understand me better."  
  
Draco refused to look at him; he hastily wiped his face and shakily got to his feet.  
  
"Draco come over here please." Snape spoke up.  
  
Draco stopped moving he had turned towards the door. He wanted to leave. Snape had had a similar childhood, except he had a mother who seemed to love him. The images he had seen had shaken him thoroughly but the one when Snape had hit him made his heartache and his face burn. Knowing how it felt to be beaten, Snape had slapped him that day. How could he have done that knowing how it felt? Draco took a deep breath. He needed to go away by himself and think. His head was swimming with the images he had seen, he couldn't think clearly.  
  
"Draco, please?" Snape's voice came softly. He turned looking at Snape still sitting on the floor. Harry sat beside him. He shook his head and left the room.  
  
"Do you want me to go after him?" Harry asked with annoyance in his voice.  
  
"No, he's upset, I'll talk to him later."  
  
Harry snorted. "He's a selfish brat sometimes."  
  
Snape looked at him with surprise. "I'd have expected a little more empathy from you." He stated curtly.  
  
"You just showed us some of the worst memories of your life, you obviously have a lot in common with Draco. After his own occlumency lesson he should realize how hard that was for you yet he's run off being angry again."  
  
"I know why he's upset and angry, did you not see me backhand him in one of those memories?"  
  
Harry had been so horrified by the images that the one of Snape hitting Draco hadn't left a huge imprint on him. "I guess so but I'm assuming that happened long ago."  
  
"In the early fall but you need to realize now knowing that I had a life similar to his, my hitting him when I know how it feels to be beaten has put him into turmoil. He hasn't realized that growing up so violently makes one lash out. He usually doesn't do it with his fists but with his words, as do I but I lost control with him that one time. He's too upset with me right now to stop and think that I apologized and have never repeated that, nor do I ever intend to lose control again."  
  
Harry looked at him his eyes wide with compassion. He asked in a quiet voice. "You killed your father?"  
  
Snape sighed deeply. "Yes, after I took the dark mark I felt powerful and invincible. I killed him not for all the things he had done to me but for killing my mother. I thought it would make me feel stronger and justified but instead I felt empty. I had let my hatred turn me into a killer, I was just like him." Snape whispered.  
  
"NO! You aren't." Harry protested. "You turned to the light."  
  
Snape looked at him with a haunted look.  
  
"What made you turn to the light?"  
  
"Seeing a family of muggles die at the hands of a group of deatheaters I was with. I went to Dumbledore and begged for mercy that night. He granted it. He calmed me he gave me hope. He taught me occlumency, he gave me a path to follow, the only path that offered me hope that one day the possibility existed that I could feel a little redeemed for all the awful things I had done." Snape hoarsely explained.  
  
"You really loved my mother?"  
  
Snape looked at him with his dark unfathomable eyes and nodded. He didn't say it out loud but once in awhile he looked at Harry and for a split second pretended he was Lily and his son. Then James Potter entered his mind and the pleasant thought dissipated.  
  
"I can understand why you wanted Draco to see this but why me?" Harry asked thoughtfully.  
  
"Would you rather not have seen this?"  
  
Harry raised his eyes to his. "It helps me to understand you better."  
  
"Good, then it has achieved what I wanted it too." Snape stated. "Tomorrow we'll have another occlumency lesson so I want you to go and practice."  
  
Harry nodded as they both stood up. Snape stiffly headed over to the sofa and sat down in front of the fire staring into the flames while absentmindedly petting Loki.  
  
Harry headed to Snape's private rooms where he knew he would find Malfoy.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Draco had stormed out of Snape's office. He would have gone down to the lake if he wasn't afraid of one of the professors catching him and then forcing him into the hospital wing possibly putting him in restraints as Lupin had threatened. He knew he still hadn't recovered. His chest hurt again and he was short of breath.  
  
He went to Snape's room. The bed he had spent the night on yesterday was still there. Soon when classes started he would be back in the Slytherin rooms amongst his fellow classmates pretending that none of this happened. In private he would be taking occlumency and other special lessons. After feeling the immense agony and pain of the dark mark from Snape's memory, he knew that Snape had spoken the truth about life as a death eater.  
  
He sat down on the bed closing his eyes. Snape's memories had shaken him to the core. Suddenly a door opened and closed with a bang. Startled he jumped but then just stared resentfully when Potter came into the bedroom.  
  
"So here you are wallowing in self pity." Harry spat at him.  
  
"Shut up Potter." He growled angrily.  
  
"When Snape needs you, you run away and yet you profess to care about him and whine that he's the only person you have. Or is this the usual selfish spoiled Malfoy behaviour? He's there when you need him when it's convenient but if the situation is reversed you couldn't care less?"  
  
It took every ounce of self-control Draco had to not jump off the bed and sock Harry. Instead he took some steadying breaths and narrowed his icy eyes at him.  
  
"So what happens now? First chance you get to score marks with Voldemort you'll tell him everything you know? If today is any indication you obviously don't care if Snape suffers, so what does it matter if Voldemort kills him?"  
  
The last ounce of self-control evaporated and a blind rage overcame Draco as he flew at Harry fists raised. He easily sidestepped him "Acting like Lucius are you?" Potter's words stopped Draco cold in his tracks. "Don't you realize Snape did this for us? So we could understand him better. For me to not hold it against him and act irrationally when on occasion he snaps? For you to not become what he is, bitter and angry. Why couldn't you have reached out to him and let him know you care? He loves you, he really does. How could you let him down like that?" Potter spoke so calmly and quietly that the words seeped into Draco's brain.  
  
An overwhelming cloud of guilt descended on him. Potter swam before his eyes as he backed away and stumbled to the bed again.  
  
Harry looked at his former nemesis hating himself for saying what he did but knowing that Malfoy needed to hear it if there was ever any chance of them all working together.  
  
He sat down on the bed near him watching as Malfoy angrily wiped at his face. He felt a pang of guilt noting how pale he was and how badly he trembled. Snape's memories, his own occlumency lesson, his reactions to both had set back his recovery. Yet he weathered the blows in his own ways.  
  
Harry cleared his throat. "You know he entrusted us both with his memories because he wants us to be united in this battle against Voldemort." He stated softly trying to reach Malfoy and make him focus.  
  
Draco looked up the grey blue eyes still pained; he bit his lip as the truth of Potters words sunk in. The dark haired teen held out his hand. "Truce." Draco gulped a mouthful of air as he tentatively grasped Potter's hand. "Truce."  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Snape walked into his rooms later with a plate of food and a glass of pumpkin juice. He wasn't angry with Draco for his behaviour, a bit disappointed perhaps but he had been pleased by Harry's efforts. Draco needed more time and lots of patience. As Dumbledore suggested perhaps it was time to discuss the past with the boy, so he would understand things a bit better. He suspected Draco had gone to his private rooms for fear of punishment if he jeopardized his recovery by going outside after being expressly forbidden from doing so. He found Draco lying on the bed looking pale and tired. He immediately sat up as he entered the room.  
  
"Since you missed lunch I brought you some food." Snape stated curtly as he set it down on the nightstand. He then went back into the main room and sat down in front of the fireplace wondering how he would talk to Draco.  
  
Draco's heart felt tight and his stomach queasy when Snape had entered. He wasn't hungry but he knew Snape would insist he eat if he just left it. So he took a few swallows of the pumpkin juice and ate half a sandwich. Snape had barely said two words to him. He hadn't seemed angry or sad, just distanced.  
  
He stood up feeling shaky but went into the other room where Snape sat staring at the fire. Snape didn't look up which made Draco feel even worse.  
  
He took a step closer. "I'm sorry." He whispered.  
  
Snape still didn't look up. "Sorry for what Draco? Sorry for running away? Sorry for not at least making an effort? Sorry that Potter did make the effort?" Snape asked his voice sounding a bit more bitter than he meant it too.  
  
When no answer came, he glanced up to find Draco near him; he stared into the fireplace, his chin quivering slightly, his breath coming in quiet shallow pants.  
  
"Sit down." Snape commanded.  
  
Draco sat in a chair across from him, finally lifting his eyes to his. He looked miserable. "I'm sorry I left", came his shaky response.  
  
Snape looked at him with dark narrowed eyes. "Why did you?'  
  
A slight flicker of anger surged in Draco's expression. His eyes narrowed slightly, the guilt he had felt over Potter's words momentarily vanished. He responded defensively, "maybe I was worried I'd get backhanded again."  
  
Snape's expression stayed calm but his voice acquired a silky dangerous note. "That's hardly a fair response, I had hoped you could at least find the courage to be honest."  
  
Draco flinched as if Snape had slapped him. Resentment welled in his eyes. His usual drawl had a note of unrestrained anger. "It doesn't take courage to hit someone you care about!"  
  
Snape nodded. "It takes anger to make one do that." Then Snape added softly "But courage to admit it was a regrettable action."  
  
Draco visibly calmed, the anger in his eyes subsiding a little.  
  
"Why do you think I showed you these memories?"  
  
Draco looked at him, hurt and confusion in his eyes. "To show me your father wasn't any better than mine."  
  
"In part but mostly to show you I've been in a similar place as you are now. A turning point, I had the headmaster as my lifeline during a time I didn't care if I lived or died. I think you've been at that point and you need to realize you have lots of support here. Draco I did not mean to hit you that day, a lifetime of anger and violence broke out in me and unfortunately you took the blow. I wanted you and Harry to understand why I have lashed out at both of you on occasion. I am fighting a battle within myself and I am winning it more now that I've ever been able to." He got up and went to sit beside Draco. "I'm sorry I hit you and I'm sorry the memory upset you so much." He squeezed Draco's shoulder reassuringly.  
  
Draco's hand came up to wipe his eyes desperately trying but failing to stop the tears that pooled there. "That last image of you and Dumbledore, why were you, what happened to make." He stumbled over the words not sure how to express what he wanted to know.  
  
"The last image was just after we found you half dead by the shrieking shack, I brought you back here and tried everything I could think of to save you but nothing was working. The headmaster offered me comfort."  
  
Snape looked at Draco; tears were sliding down his cheeks. He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to Draco who took it and blew his nose loudly. Snape sighed. One moment Draco was angry and then the next practically bursting into tears, his emotions were completely unchecked and volatile. He knew it would take time and lots of support to bring Draco to a form of normalcy. The healing process was moving forward albeit slowly but just as Harry was making advancements so was Draco. He lightly draped an arm around his shoulders.  
  
"All through our years at Hogwarts, your father and I were friends. We secretly brewed potions together to hide the scars, welts, and wounds our fathers inflicted on us during holidays." Snape explained quietly.  
  
Draco looked up startled. "My father?"  
  
Snape nodded. "Your grandfather was a very violent man and unfortunately Lucius learned his lessons well and has passed them on to you."  
  
Draco winced.  
  
"You are stronger than your father is, you are rebellious, you have already proven you walk your own path."  
  
Draco grew silent for a moment staring at the floor. "How did you escape?"  
  
"I wasn't as strong as you. I thought power was the only option, the only escape. I turned to the dark lord and eagerly took the dark mark. I then went and killed my father thinking that it would make up for my mother's death instead all I felt was empty. Life as a death eater wasn't what I thought it would be either. My father was a brutal man that thrived on pain but he was nothing compared to the dark lord. I lost any pride I had left; I almost lost my humanity. I realized that one night when a family of innocent people died at the hands of a group of death eaters I belonged to. That night I went to the headmaster and sought the light."  
  
Draco looked at him in awe. "You are a spy then?"  
  
Snape nodded. "Do you now understand why it's so important for you to learn occlumency?"  
  
Draco nodded wearily. He shuddered slightly. "When Potter's occlumency lessons ended I couldn't go to him and today I couldn't go to you. Maybe I'm just like my father, just as cold blooded and heartless." He whispered dejectedly.  
  
Snape asked. "Did you enjoy seeing Harry and I in pain?"  
  
Draco's grey blue eyes went wide. "No!"  
  
"Did you feel what we were feeling?"  
  
Draco squeezed his eyes shut. "Yes."  
  
"Then you are off to a good start because your father was never capable of feeling or sympathizing with anyone else's pain." Snape pulled him into a reassuring hug. "You need to get some rest."  
  
He felt some of the tension leave the boy's body.  
  
"Go to bed and sleep with your furry dragon." Snape teased watching with amusement as Draco blushed pink, opened his mouth to dispute him but then thought better of it as he got up and hurried into the other room. 


	63. melting the ICE

A/N: If I have any British or German readers out there and if you get a chance could you let me know the names of some children's picture book publishers in your countries.  
  
I was going to post the three final segments all in one chapter but decided to break them into individual chapters. So there will actually be 2 more chapters after this one. So this chapter is Draco's last one. The next one will be Snape and Dumbledore and the FINAL one will be Harry and Snape.  
  
THANKS to all of you for your encouraging reviews, virtual Draco kisses to all of you.  
  
Nana Hedwig, thank you so much!  
  
Elanore Malfoy-Black: No I don't think you are weird and I'm so glad you are enjoying it.  
  
Mara: yes next chapter will be Dumbledore and Snape.  
  
MS. Padfoot: I really enjoyed reading your reviews as you were catching up. THANK YOU.  
  
Firephoenix: Glad you're liking it. There won't be any Draco/Narcissa scene anymore though but perhaps I'll do a one shot with the scene you request. When I do the sequel I am planning on having Lucius kill Narcissa for signing over custody of Draco.  
  
Living Angel: So glad you enjoyed that last chapter.  
  
Galadreial: Wonderful to hear that things are going better! Let them both know you appreciate it, maybe it will lead to more.  
  
TexasJeanette: I love how you psycho-analyzed the characters  
  
Xikum: Thank you for the feedback and the analysis, I always look forward to your reviews.  
  
Barbara Kennedy: Thank you so much and re: It must have torn his heart to relive those memories. It did and you'll see more of that in the next chapter when he has his talk with Dumbledore.  
  
wavy avey: Excellent review thank you. Yes Harry was harsh but also gentle at the same time, he said what Draco needed to hear to pull him out of the path he was on. You are right, Draco is far from healed and those insecurities will be with him for quite some time. I think the chapter below will indicate some of that.  
  
Questie: Thank you for that awesome review.  
  
Tuva: Thanks for the hugs and sweets.  
  
Jaded Angel8: Thanks so much for the invite, but I just can't right now because of time restrictions.  
  
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Chapter 63 - melting the ice  
  
Draco sat in the alcove in the library. His knees drawn up to his chest, his head resting on his knees as he stared outside at the lake. His night had been intermittently interrupted by nightmares. He'd never had so many in one shot. He deduced that Snape's memories must have triggered them. In one dream he killed his father by beating him to death with his staff. He woke up from that one leaning over the bed and violently throwing up, the image of horror and seeping blood fresh in his mind. Snape had been by his side in an instant holding him and smoothing back his sweat soaked hair. When the retching finally ceased Snape gave him a stomach vial and helped him lie down talking to him soothingly till he calmed down. He had sat with him till he fell asleep again. In another dream his father told him Snape's didn't care about him it was all a ploy to get him to help Potter. It was Potter Snape thought of as a son. He woke up silently shaking from that one. In the last dream Snape hit him with the staff for putting a spell on Potter. He felt lost and betrayed. He couldn't tell Snape about any of the dreams.  
  
"Draco." Came a soft voice interrupting his thoughts. He looked to find Hermione standing beside him.  
  
He looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, he was paler than usual, his eyes looked listless. She frowned looking worried. "Are you not feeling well?"  
  
"Scram Granger, I'm not in the mood for company." He responded coldly annoyed by the concern in her eyes.  
  
"Not even from a friend." She asked softly. She had gotten used to his prickly moods and his endless game of trying to push her away especially when he desperately needed someone. She could see past the icy glare to see how alone he was feeling.  
  
"We're not friends." He responded icily looking away to stare out of the window.  
  
"Perhaps, but we aren't enemies anymore either. " She climbed up on the ledge opposite him.  
  
He looked at her with narrowed eyes; his words clipped. "Only because you want me to help Potter win against the dark lord."  
  
Hermione sighed. "If you didn't do anything to help and as long as you didn't do anything to hinder the fight, I would still care. You keep letting your insecurities get the better of you. You start putting up all these walls that are really hard to get past. Trust me, I'm not going to do anything to hurt you."  
  
He snorted scoffing at her words. "You can't hurt me."  
  
"Maybe not but I can help you if you let me."  
  
He regarded her suspiciously. "I'm fine, I just didn't sleep well." He responded irritably.  
  
She remembered the nightmare he had had on New Year's Eve. "Are you having nightmares?"  
  
He hated that she and the others had witnessed one. He didn't want to show any more weakness in front of them. With his grey blue eyes stormy, he turned to look out of the window again. "I told you before Granger I don't want company and I don't want to talk!'  
  
"Draco." She reached out to him.  
  
He jerked away, his voice acquiring a note of panic. "I mean it leave me alone!" As his anger grew his breathing became laboured.  
  
Not wanting to upset him more than he already was, Hermione got off the ledge. "I'm sorry Draco, I just wanted to help, Just so you know I really am starting to think of you as a fiend. When I see a friend not feeling well I try to help. But I guess you are just like Harry, you have to push everyone away because you're afraid to let anyone get close."  
  
"I'm not afraid." He snarled at her his face slightly flushed.  
  
She goaded him raising an eyebrow. "You are acting like you are, unless of course you still hate me and my mudblood presence is unworthy in your pureblood space?" She challenged him staring him in the eye daring him to call her mudblood again.  
  
He looked away guilty and swallowed heavily. "That's not what I meant."  
  
She sighed. "Did you at least talk to Professor Snape about your nightmares?"  
  
Draco shook his head looking uncomfortable.  
  
"Why not? He might be able to help you?" She suggested softly.  
  
"I don't want to bother him."  
  
"He cares about you so much you know that." Hermione grew thoughtful. "Are you afraid, I mean worried that Professor Snape will suddenly stop caring?"  
  
Draco didn't answer and Hermione's heart ached as she suddenly realized after a lifetime of not having anyone care about him he was terrified that Snape would suddenly stop. Maybe Draco thought non of it was real only based on his helping Harry defeat Voldemort as he had just accused her of.  
  
She reached out and put her hand on his wrist. "If not Professor Snape will you please talk to me then? I promise it won't go any further than the two of us."  
  
He looked at her, his eyes betrayed the worry etched on his features. Part of him wanted to push her away again but another part desperately wanted someone to confide in. She kept reaching out to him, it started from that day in the fog right through to now. He moved his arm so her hand slid from his wrist to his hand. He stared at it as he gripped it softly. She squeezed it reassuringly. His eyes hesitantly moved up to meet hers again. She smiled softly. "Come on" and gave his hand a small tug.  
  
He resisted. "I'm sorry I can't. I just can't." A wave of panic rolled over him. He couldn't talk about his dreams not to her not to anyone.  
  
She nodded sadly. "It's ok, I understand." She smiled at him kindly, "but come with me anyway, I have an idea. You won't have to talk but it will make you feel better."  
  
She gripped his hand a little tighter and tugged again. He looked at her suspiciously; trust was something he didn't give lightly. He swung his legs effortlessly off the ledge and followed her out the door.  
  
She led him to the hallway of the room of requirements and dragged him back and forth 3 times until the door appeared. She led him inside.  
  
A wonderful smell of sandalwood came out from under the door adjacent the area they found themselves in. A soft fluffy bed was situated in front of the fireplace. Hermione let go of Draco and went and opened the door to the adjacent room, a large bubble bath took up most of the space and steam escaped into the other one. Draco stood near the door his eyes wide with amazement. His eyes connected with Hermiones and a sly grin formed on his face.  
  
"Forget it Malfoy, that's not what I brought you here for." She responded glaring at him.  
  
His eyes narrowed, his ego knocked down a notch. "Never considered it Granger, I wouldn't with a mud." He stopped in mid sentence biting his lip.  
  
She looked at him her dark eyes wide with hurt.  
  
"I didn't mean to use that word, sorry." He added softly.  
  
"Forget it. You look like a zombie so why don't you get into the warm bath and relax a bit, but don't fall asleep because I have no desire to haul your wet carcass out of there." She said raising her chin.  
  
He snorted in annoyance as he went into the room and slammed the door behind him. He had to admit she had had a wonderful idea as he stripped his clothes off and sank into the hot steamy scented water. His muscles relaxed and his chest felt clear and pain free. After awhile a loud banging on the door startled him and he realized he had almost fallen asleep.  
  
"Times up, get out now."  
  
"What if I don't want to go?" He responded grumpily.  
  
"Then I'll turn the water to ice." She responded sweetly.  
  
He got out of the tub, dried himself off and put his clothes back on.  
  
His hair was still wet when he came into the other room, Hermione noticed but he looked a little better, less tense, more at ease.  
  
He realized that a warm bowl of soup stood on the nightstand beside the bed.  
  
"Go on, climb into bed and help yourself to the soup."  
  
Annoyed that she kept telling him what to do, he didn't move.  
  
She noticed the scowl on his face and groaned inwardly, prince Malfoy looked like he was about to throw a tantrum.  
  
"Draco, I'm just trying to make you feel better. The bath was to relax you so you won't have any nightmares. The soup is because you haven't eaten well since you were hurt and since you look like a zombie you really could use a peaceful sleep."  
  
She looked at him standing there so defiantly, she knew he didn't want pity, was horrified at the thought they all felt sorry for him but truth be told she did feel sorry for him, very sorry for all the pain he had been through, the trauma of realizing he was unloved by both his parents, the humiliation that people he considered his enemies had found out. She knew he was angry but he looked so terribly vulnerable standing there wavering slightly, his fists clenched, his wet hair falling over his forehead, his eyes looking sad and confused. After hating him all these years it was hard to define exactly what she felt. If there hadn't been so much animosity she could fully appreciate that Malfoy had indeed grown into a rather good looking boy, tall, lean with striking eyes, fine features and that pale blond hair but what she felt for him right now wasn't physical it was that same mysterious force that made her want to comfort Harry. She smiled softly to herself, she wanted to be Draco's friend, she didn't want him to feel so alone. Driven by some unknown instinct she got to her feet and went over to him. He looked at her warily as she put her arms around his neck and lightly hugged him. He stiffened for a moment but then he wrapped his arms tightly around her. "Why are you being so nice to me?" He asked quietly.  
  
"Because I want to." She responded.  
  
He pulled away. "You just feel sorry for me don't you? Poor Malfoy the beaten boy, he's so pathetic. He angrily spat out the words.  
  
She snorted annoyed. "Being beaten does not make you pathetic Draco, you survived, you are strong."  
  
"But you feel sorry for me don't you!" He accused again with narrowed eyes and a sneer on his face.  
  
Hermione sighed. "How do you expect me to answer that, of course I feel sorry for you, we found you almost dead and then to hear of all the things your father has done of course I feel terrible that all this happened to you. But you know what I feel even more sorry for what had happened to Harry. Despite his rotten life he has always been nothing but caring. I care about Harry so much and it's not just because I feel sorry for all that's happened to him. Can't you understand that?"  
  
He looked down at his toes not sure how to respond.  
  
"Come on your soups getting cold."  
  
His eyes looked into hers and he nodded, he was just too tired to argue anymore.  
  
He sat on the bed and ate the soup. When he finished Hermione waited for him to lie down but he just kept sitting there.  
  
"You're exhausted Draco, why don't you lie down."  
  
He glanced at the bed and shook his head. "I'm okay, I don't want to sleep."  
  
She narrowed her eyes; he looked so tired she couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to sleep. Taking the risk of making him angry again she asked. "Do you think you'll have another nightmare?"  
  
His eyes flashed and he got up. "I should go now. Thank you for the bath and the soup."  
  
"Wait, Draco." She paused. "I'll stay with you while you sleep, if I think you're about to have a nightmare I'll wake you right away, I promise."  
  
He looked into her worried dark eyes and felt an incredible surge of envy when he realized what a wonderful friend Potter and Weasley had in her. She had grown into such a beauty. For years he had fought against thinking that, trying to focus on the fact she was as his father always said, a filthy mudblood. She wasn't just beautiful on the outside but inside as well. She was offering him that friendship, he would be an idiot to turn her away again. The offer might never be made again. He nodded and smiled at her softly. "Okay but under one condition. You can't tell Potter and Weasley about any of this."  
  
She smiled. "Don't worry I'll guard your pride."  
  
He gave her an annoyed look at that.  
  
Much to his surprise she climbed onto the bed above the covers and grabbed one of the big fluffy pillows laying it beside her and beckoned for him to lie down. He looked at her startled.  
  
"Well if you have a nightmare I have to be close so I can wake you."  
  
He hesitated a little, this was almost like the time when he had thought Snape died and McGonagall had held him close till he fell asleep, almost but not quite since Hermione definitely wasn't McGonagall.  
  
He climbed under the covers and put his head on the pillow so close to Hermione.  
  
"Now close your eyes and have some nice dreams, dream about beating Ron at Chess and Harry in Quidditch and me in Transfigurations."  
  
He laughed softly. In some ways she was as comforting as McGonagall was. Maybe most females aside from his mother, had that lovely quality.  
  
"What happens when school starts again?" he asked hesitantly.  
  
"The four of us will continue to be friends, I promise. Draco, just remember one thing as you fall asleep, Professor Snape loves you unconditionally." Was her answer.  
  
His eyes closed wearily and the last thing he remembered was Hermione reassuringly patting his arm. 


	64. TLC from Dumbledore

A/N: Sniff sniff, my second to last chapter, can you tell I don't want to finish this. Sigh but I get to write more on this in the spring. Hey did anyone else hear the rumour that Rowan Atkinson aka Mr. Bean was going to play Voldemort in Goblet of Fire? He's a talented actor and I'm sure he'll pull it off although I confess at the moment I'm having a hard time envisioning stumbling bumbling Mr. Bean as Voldemort, in fact I keep bursting out laughing whenever I think of him hurling the death curse.and then afterwards snuggling with his teddy but it is just a rumour and if it does become confirmed I'm sure he'll look quite different and be um (giggles) menacing.  
  
URGENT-please READ and RESPOND***I got sidetracked this week with planning a chapter for the sequel/continuation. Voldemort nabs Harry and Draco, something bad of course happens to Harry, it will be physical (no hints though) and I'm planning on something for Draco but can't quite decide how far to take it. So dear reviewers I would like your opinions to take into consideration. The plan is that Lucius want to 'break' Draco and force him into becoming a loyal and devoted deatheater. (relax ultimately he doesn't succeed of course). His way to do that is to 'give' him to Voldemort to rape. Yes Voldi is even sicker and more twisted than we thought. HOWEVER the plan is that Voldemort is interrupted just as he is about to do this, at the same time Draco knowing what is about to happen (he's tied to a tree or something stripped of his clothes by Lucius) loses consciousness. As he's unconscious, Lucius who knows Voldemort didn't actually rape him, casts a spell on Draco that makes him without a doubt think he was. Harry who witnessed the part up to Voldemort almost raping him, believes that it didn't happen, but Draco feeling as if he was, due to Lucius' spell, doesn't believe him and is of course devastated to a point where .oh wait I'm stopping at this point. (grins, don't want to give too much away). Snape by the way will be terribly guilt ridden because he will feel like he failed both boys. Lots of angst for all. SO my question to you is (and even if you do say yes I'm still not sure I'll actually be able to write it and do that to Draco) should Voldemort actually rape him or do you like the idea of Lucius' spell making him think he was (just for a little while)? With what happens to Harry (yes the mystery thing) and with what happens to Draco (real or spell driven) the two boys will be forced to rely on each other.  
  
I've also made a decision for Snape's love life, as in he needs to have one or at least start being tempted to have one, so I've chosen someone who is rather opposite him (I'm betting you are right now guessing at who this might be) she will appear in the sequel/continuation when Snape needs someone the most.  
  
THANKS to all of you for your encouraging reviews, virtual Snape KISSES to all of you who want them. Thanks especially to all who responded to my request for publisher names in Britain and Germany.  
  
Tipsy Pirate Lass: I have so enjoyed reading your chapter by chapter reviews all at once. I can't tell you what fun it's been reliving each chapter through your eyes. THANKS SO MUCH (I love your name by the way).  
  
Jade Kirk and Mx LBC: Thank you, of course I don't mind, I am very honoured.  
  
Mymy1: yes you most definitely can, how do you propose to do it? Be sure to add your name to the top of each chapter as the translator (it's got to be a lot of work) and you deserve credit. Of course if I get any fab reviews please let me know what they say.  
  
Livingangel: Thank you, please post some of your stories, give it a try. Harry/Snape in the next and final chapter until the sequel.  
  
Ms. Padfoot: Thank you so much!  
  
Crystall113: In the sequel the room of requirements will be used for them to be able to meet.  
  
Melindaleo: ok ok how about Snape kisses then? Honest I'm still not sure I'm having a D/HR thing happening, it's just friendship.  
  
Eowyn: no more Draco till the sequel but there will definitely be lots of Draco with Snape and McGonagall.  
  
Katherina B: Thank you and yes there will be a sequel in the spring. Harry and Draco will become friends.  
  
Chuckles evil troll: Thanks for the email address, you'll get a sneak peak for your bday. I'll hunt down your story soon and review.  
  
Escawing: thanks, no Draco won't be in the Gryffindor tower, he'll stay in Slytherin. Except he may spend a short time in rooms adjacent to McGonagall's as he goes through the worst trauma and she's the only one he'll let near him at that time.  
  
Ezmerelda; No worries there will be more Hermione and McGonagall with Draco moments in the sequel.  
  
Narnian Princess: Keep writing! Thanks for all the praise. Don't worry the stuffed dragon will reappear in the sequel, unfortunately the poor thing will be thrown across the room when Draco is in a rage (but don't worry he'll be all right, the stuffed dragon I mean). I just figured in that last chapter Draco might like to cuddle with Hermione instead of a stuffed toy (grins). Mmmm Honeydukes chocolates.  
  
Snapefan: Hope you like this one! How about a virtual Snape kiss? Thanks so much loved the roses and hugs!  
  
HpAzn: Lots more angst here and in the sequel.  
  
I hope I haven't missed anyone, I feel like I've forgotten to answer someone's question? Have I? If so please ask again cause I'm getting bleary eyed and must post now.  
  
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Chapter 63 - TLC from Dumbledore  
  
Snape sat in the head masters office; his dark eyes stonily fixed on Fawkes.  
  
"Severus would you look at me please?"  
  
Reluctantly Snape's eyes lifted and he made contact with Dumbledore's light blue eyes. "I asked you to come this morning because I wanted to make sure you were feeling all right after the occlumency. Judging by your reactions this morning am I to assume things did not go well?" He asked softly concern shading his expression.  
  
"As well as to be expected." Snape replied hoarsely.  
  
"Harry and Draco understand how difficult your life has been?"  
  
"Yes I think it was of benefit to Harry but I think it worked negatively for Draco. He was up half the night with nightmares."  
  
"I'm sorry to hear that we will need to ensure he has a peaceful night sleep tonight. Ultimately however I am confident the experience will make him feel closer to you." His eyes studied Snape intently. "Now what about you did you sleep well?"  
  
Snape shook his head.  
  
"Nightmares?" Dumbledore asked softly.  
  
Snape squeezed his eyes shut. "It wasn't exactly easy reliving those memories."  
  
Dumbledore got up and sat beside him, lightly resting one hand on his shoulder. Snape didn't accept contact easily but he was too weary and also had too much respect for the headmaster to shrug him off.  
  
"I am failing them both." Dumbledore's hand moved to the back of his neck lightly stroking him in comforting circles.  
  
"Both will be stronger because of you. Harry is slowly overcoming his grief from losing Sirius and he is starting to trust you. I wouldn't be surprised if eventually he starts to fee comfortable enough to confide in you. I expect him to master occlumency at a much faster rate after what you did for him yesterday. Harry's trust is not easy to gain and I venture after yesterday you have taken a huge step in claiming his. Harry is a strong young man Severus. He's been alone all his life and he needs to learn to accept and ask for help. He cannot do this alone. Neither for that matter can you."  
  
Snape wearily shook his head in disbelief.  
  
"And Draco, he will need some time. He's experienced a great deal of trauma over a very short period of time. He will need a great deal of reassurance from you and all of us. He will also need to be watched closely so he doesn't endanger himself again. Draco's first instinct is to react with anger and lash out with hostility; he needs to be guided away from those actions. It will take a lot of patience and a lot reassurance and especially love from you. He has to have someone he can turn to and talk to about anything. I'm hoping you can be that for him."  
  
Dumbledore's heart thumped painfully, seeing the despair in the younger man's eyes. He realized with shock that what he was telling Severus to do for Draco is something he needed to do for him.  
  
"Tell me about your nightmares." He requested softly.  
  
Severus let out a long shuddering sigh and shook his head.  
  
"How will you ever convince Draco and Harry to accept your help when you won't even accept mine?"  
  
Snape snapped out his trance. He knew the headmaster was right. His hand was still stroking his neck in support but it didn't make it any easier talking about things he didn't want to ever talk about.  
  
"Don't let all these memories fester inside of you."  
  
With a flash of anger in his dark eyes, Snape turned to look into the light blue ones. "It's not just the memories, it's my entire life. It's a waste. I haven't accomplished one good thing. I alternate back and forth between serving two masters; I am responsible for two boys who will both likely end up dead at the dark lords hands. I will likely be tortured to death by him myself and for what? I will have accomplished NOTHING!"  
  
Dumbledore's eyes narrowed. "Then perhaps you need to quit. We will transform your appearance, set you up in a different country and you can lead an entirely different life."  
  
Snape swallowed hard. "You would do that for me? What about the dark lord? What about Draco and Harry?"  
  
"Severus if a life away from here brings you some peace and some happiness I will do this. I worry terribly about you every time you attend a death eaters meeting, despite all the incredible work you have done for the order, I would in fact be relieved to not have you at death's door all the time. As for Draco and Harry I as well as the other professors will take care of them and teach them all they need to know as well as care for them. Although she is not as talented as yourself Minerva can finish teaching him occlumency, she and I have both made progress with Draco, although I suspect he will retreat inside himself for awhile after you leave. But we will take care of them, rest assured. You have had a tragic life and I would like to see you finally find some happiness."  
  
The dark eyes looked up again and a hint of an elusive smile flashed across his face. "Thank you for saying that. I can't leave."  
  
Dumbledore smiled. "You care about them too much."  
  
Snape broke eye contact but nodded curtly.  
  
"I'm glad you will be there for them. I will try to also but I fear that I will not live to see the end of the final battle. It is reassuring to know that they and Hogwarts will have you."  
  
The dark turned to him again full of anguish. "You have to make it through. You are the only person in this world who I look up to. I couldn't do any of this without you."  
  
The headmaster looked at him kindly over his half moon glasses. "Severus you have endured and sacrificed so much. I am here for you but so are others. You need to open yourself to them and let them care about you. When the day comes that I am no longer here you will not find yourself alone." He gently brought his hand up to the side of his head. "When you thought Draco was dying you told me he had never felt love and you wanted him to feel loved. I have that same wish for you. There is a young witch at the order who you have always brushed off as you have all members but she is rather intrigued by you. She is quite the opposite of you but I think she would do you a world of good."  
  
Snape shook his head vigorously. "I have no room for love."  
  
Dumbledore smiled patiently. "You are afraid to love. Not everyone you love will die. Even if they do you are still better off to have loved. Would you rather never have known Lily Evans?"  
  
Snape's eyes snapped up in horror. "How did you know about Lily?"  
  
Dumbledore just smiled.  
  
Snape looked away sighing. "You will likely outlive me. You know how quickly my life could end."  
  
"Not if I can help it. Just think about what I've said. Now I would like you to tell me about these nightmares."  
  
Snape snorted. "You are like a dog with a bone."  
  
The headmaster laughed his eyes twinkling. "For your own good."  
  
"I relive killing my father. At first I experience that exhilarated rush of power. For the first time in his presence I had felt powerful, after a lifetime of being scared to death of him and his fists, his whips, his curses, his chains. When I hit him with the Avada Kedavra curse and watch him crumple lifelessly to the ground, I realized he was just a man. After all those years of beatings and torture he wasn't some mythical untouchable being but just a mean violent man who was as mortal as the rest of us. The powerful rush faded to be replaced by emptiness. It didn't change anything. The only good that came out of it was that he would never be able to hurt or kill anyone ever again. But it didn't take away my emptiness, my despair, my bitterness. It didn't change my life to the better."  
  
"Actions as a result of hatred never do. Tell me Severus, your worry about losing your life to Voldemort and your worry of failing the boys aside. How do you feel about your life right now?"  
  
"I'm extremely grateful that Draco lived and that we were able to get him away from Lucius and Narcissa. I am glad that I am able to help Lily's son prepare for the battle he is facing."  
  
"She would be so grateful to you and I think very proud that you have been able to disengage yourself from the dark side. Love, Severus always wins over hatred. Focus on your love for Draco and your quest to help Harry. These are positive things in your life. Believe that you can all overcome this darkness and one day it will all be in the past and you will all be free to live the lives you want. Don't dwell on what may happen or what has happened, it will only make you more and more bitter."  
  
"What if I fail them?" Snape asked his silky voice quiet and anxious, his dark eyes looking suspiciously watery.  
  
"As long as you love them you will not fail them." Dumbledore again patted the side of his face. "When Harry first came to Hogwarts you hated him. You focused only the fact that he was James' son and almost his spitting image. You refused to look past that and you stubbornly hung on to that hatred. I was so disappointed in you last year when you ended the occlumency lessons I."  
  
Snape interrupted him. "I'm sorry I did that, I know if I hadn't Black would likely be alive and you wouldn't all have been placed in such danger."  
  
"Shhh Severus, I know you feel badly about it but I take responsibility for Sirius' death, my actions directly led to Harry acting as he had. I created a world of pain for that boy. I put the responsibility of training Harry on your shoulders, I should have considered how deep your wounds ran and that you hadn't let go of the hatred. I was blindly optimistic that by spending time with Harry you would see how much like Lily he is. I should have monitored things better. However that is in the past now and what I wanted to say was how proud I am of you now. Look how far you have come."  
  
Snape grew even quieter. Dumbledore's words rang true. He would never have believed that he would care about James Potter's offspring almost like a son. Perhaps he had changed after all, perhaps there was hope for the future.  
  
"Stand up for a moment would you?"  
  
Snape looked at the headmaster with a puzzled expression but followed his request. Dumbledore transfigured the chair into a bed. "You are exhausted Severus. I would like you to lie down and get a bit of sleep. Tonight I want both you and Draco to take a dreamless sleep potion. Classes start tomorrow and I want you both to get a good nights rest."  
  
"I have an occlumency lesson with Harry this afternoon at 2:00pm."  
  
"I will be sure to wake you just before then. I can't have a grumpy exhausted potions master teaching occlumency. You need to have patience Severus and when you haven't slept well, you have been known to be rather crabby." Dumbledore remarked with a light teasing tone.  
  
Snape didn't appreciate being called crabby but the thought of lying down in the appealing fluffy bed outweighed the urge to respond.  
  
When his head hit the soft pillow he murmured softly. "Thanks, Professor Dumbledore."  
  
"Albus." Insisted the headmaster.  
  
Snape had never felt comfortable calling his mentor by his first name but to appease him he responded. "Thanks, Albus."  
  
Dumbledore smiled softly as the dark man's eyes closed. As much as Draco and Harry needed his support, so in his own way did Severus. He would never make the mistake again of keeping his distance if he were needed. 


	65. moving forward

A/N: Thanks to all of you for all the reviews. Happy Valentine's Day to you and Virtual Harry kisses to all you! I can't do a personal response to each of you today because my A/N is so long but since this is the last chapter for quite awhile I will email you answers to questions you may have. If you want an answer be sure you have a valid email address.  
  
So for the sequel: The majority speaks and I have to say I know I would have gone that way also. Lucius will just cast a spell (and yes Snape will be the one to break it), it will lead to Draco becoming a bit of a wild child for a chapter or two as he tries to deal with what he thinks has happened. For all of you who actually wanted Voldemort to do it, I'm sorry I just can't do it to Draco and definitely not to Harry but I encourage (and dare you) all or any of you to write your own chapter (if you want to use the basis of this story and take it from there you are welcome too).  
  
For those of you who think Draco will just be a victim again, do not worry, Draco will so something very brave and self sacrificing which (despite what he thinks was done to him) will eventually help him gain a sense of self as someone other than a Malfoy and of course bring him closer to Snape as he realizes that love has no restrictions and they share something dark.  
  
Harry will be tortured by Voldemort and receive a serious injury as a result, which is a set back for him on one hand yet will eventually prove to be a gift on the other. He will for a short time be forced to rely on others for help. He will recover from this injury but it will take a number of chapters and a period of adjustment. When he does however he will be much stronger and confident.  
  
There will be lots of angst for Snape (and of course Minerva, Albus and Remus) when both boys disappear and then return in serious condition. One physically, one emotionally.  
  
And for those of you who guessed correctly, YES it's feisty, clumsy, wild TONKS I've been thinking off for Snape, he's far too controlled and serious and Tonks will no doubt aggravate him to no end, just think of the fun (in between all the usual angst of course) she will have with him as she slowly wears him down.  
  
This story will continue likely in April, although with summer coming it will be at a much slower pace than this was earlier on. Updates every two weeks or so. Thanks so much for reading! _____________________________________________________________ __  
  
Chapter 65 – moving forward  
  
Snape sat behind his desk when Harry knocked and entered. He greeted Snape quietly. He would rather not have had an occlumency lesson today. He had dreamt about Sirius last night and had felt angry and depressed all day. He ran his hand through his already mussed up hair and sat down at the desk across from Snape. Snape's eyes narrowed at him suspiciously as he quickly dropped his gaze to stare at the desk.  
  
"Out with it Potter!" Snape grumbled then softened his tone. "Something is obviously bothering you."  
  
Harry didn't want to talk about this again with Snape. He knew Snape hadn't cared for Sirius and wouldn't understand that he couldn't seem to let him go. "Let's just get into the occlumency lesson." Harry glared at him.  
  
"No, Harry" Was Snape's reply. "We've made that mistake everytime and it hasn't gotten us far. You need to tell me what's bothering you."  
  
Irritation rose in Harry. "You know what's bothering me! Sirius death, Cedric's death, my parent's death, the prophecy! My destiny!' Al the usual stuff. Talking about it doesn't help, I'm all talked out." Harry shouted at him in frustration his eyes flashing, his face becoming flushed in anger.  
  
"Did you have a nightmare, is this what is causing your outburst?" Snape asked calmly but pertinently.  
  
He took a deep breath feeling furious that Snape would keep badgering him. He stayed quiet. He heard the chair creak as Snape got up and came over to him.  
  
"I thought we had reached a point where we could at least carry on a civil conversation?"  
  
A grain of guilt entered Harry's conscience as he remembered Snape's occlumency memories yesterday.  
  
"Sirius." He replied in a voice barely above a whisper. He glanced up at him for a moment.  
  
"I see. Am I to understand the pain of his death has not started to fade a bit?" Snape asked. The anguish in Harry's eyes made the breath catch in his throat for a moment.  
  
Harry stared at his hands again then murmured. "Sometimes I feel fine and then other times I...." He stopped for a minute to take a breath. "I still miss him so much." He paused again. "I keep thinking with this war I will lose more people I care about and I don't think I could stand losing anyone else."  
  
Snape grew thoughtful. In his short life, Harry had never been loved in any way he could remember and he had never loved or felt close to anyone. Finding his godfather who loved and cared for him was like finding a lifeline and for him to lose that lifeline in the way that he did obviously had lasting ramifications. Snape sighed deeply and responded. "You know in order to move forward you are going to have to start to slowly let him go. Let his spirit fly free Harry, don't let the pain consume you."  
  
Harry couldn't believe Snape was talking about flying spirits. It was something he expected from Trelawny but certainly not Snape. Still he listed to his words. Then in a steely voice said. "I know you think it's self pity and maybe it is but don't want to let him go. I don't want to stop thinking about him or remembering him." He stopped to take a shaky inhale of breath. Loki sensing his distress jumped up on his lap. He stated petting him and bent down to bury his face in the cat's soft fur.  
  
"Harry, do you really believe if you stop thinking about him that you'll just forget him? We both know he meant more to you than that. I'm not saying you should stop remembering him, but when you do think of the happy times you shared not what happened at the end. By focusing on the end you are only focusing on the pain."  
  
Harry finally lifted his face, his eyes sparking bright. Snape swallowed heavily. "I want you to think about something for me. I want you to think about the dark lord and everything he has done. Aren't you angry at him? He single handedly killed your parents, he tried to kill you a number of times, he ordered Cedric killed, Padma and Colin, and one of his death eaters killed Black and almost all of your friends. If I were you I'd be furious. Channel that anger Harry. Don't bottle it up, let it build inside of you and release it when we do occlumency." He had stood up half way through his words and beckoned for Harry to rise also. He pointed his wand shouted "Legilimens" as Harry's eyes flashed with fire.  
  
As the spell hit him, Harry saw Voldemorts inhuman red eyes glowing triumphantly, he forced all the power of hatred he felt at the force trying to invade his mind while keeping all the love for those he held dear close inside. Suddenly the pain in his head left and he gasped for air and blinked feeling slightly dizzy. When his vision cleared he stared dumbfounded at Snape who shakily rose gasping to his feet after having being thrown across the room by the force that exuded from Harry.  
  
"Well done Potter." He sat down in a chair breathlessly. "That was excellent progress. How are you feeling?"  
  
Harry's mouth felt dry, his body felt numb all over. Being able to do occlumency, he realized, left one feeling empty and strange. He felt emotionless now as if somehow his mind had been erased. "Empty."  
  
"Excellent, I was hoping you would say that. I always knew this was inside you somewhere. Not many who can do Occlumency can take it to that step. It is one thing to be able to keep others from getting into your head but it is another to make it go blank enough that you can insert whatever it is you want the other person to believe. Empty is exactly how you should be feeling. Now is the time to concentrate on something you would like me to see, if I were to perform legilimens on you. Something not real. Let's give it a try."  
  
Harry tried to think of something just before Snape cast the spell. The only thing he could think of that wasn't real at that moment was Sirius being alive, Sirius having a conversation with him, Sirius supporting him.  
  
Snape ended the spell, his dark eyes wide with disbelief. "That was remarkably well done. If I didn't know better I would think Black was still alive. You can be proud of yourself you have truly mastered occlumency. Congratulations."  
  
Much to Snape's dismay, Harry flinched, his head dropped and his hands came up to cover his face.  
  
Snape's praise hazily registered in his mind when suddenly an overwhelming pressure consumed him, his eyes burned, his throat closed and it exploded in a rush of tears. His hands came up to cover his face as he stood there trying with all his might to suppress the raw gnawing ache that was consuming him.  
  
He could feel Snape's hand on his shoulder but he tore away, stumbling backwards until he hit the wall. He stood there trembling desperately trying to get his overwhelming and unexpected emotions under control.  
  
"Potter. . . Harry try and take some deep breaths. You're OK, you just need to breathe." Snape said to him softly. He didn't know what had caused Harry to be so upset but he was worried that Harry would hyperventilate.  
  
With a groan Harry sank to the floor. He suddenly felt very tired as he crossed his arms and took some deep gulping breaths of air.  
  
Snape sat down across from him his eyes wide and worried. "What just happened here?"  
  
Harry took a raspy deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut tightly.  
  
"You should be proud of yourself, many grown wizards have never been able to master occlumency."  
  
A ragged breath from Harry was his only answer.  
  
Snape reached out again tentatively and put his hand on Harry's head stroking the messy black hair. "Tell me what's wrong."  
  
Harry just looked up at him with resentful eyes before dropping his head in his hands again.  
  
"Talk to me." Snape tried again.  
  
"Leave me alone please." Came Harry's quiet soggy voice.  
  
"I will once you tell me what happened." Snape insisted quietly.  
  
Harry refused to respond, his heart literally ached.  
  
"Is this about Sirius?" Snape probed.  
  
Harry took another deep ragged breath and after another minute he quietly explained. "I should have learned this last year. If I had Sirius wouldn't be dead!"  
  
Snape exhaled loudly. "You don't know that. The dark lord would likely have come up with something else and the result might have been the same."  
  
Harry leapt to his feet "But it wasn't and he's dead!"  
  
Snape stood up also his dark eyes piercing Harrys. "Yes he is dead and you need to accept it and move forward."  
  
The pained look that crossed Harry's face made Snape's gut clench. He stepped closer forcing Harry into his arms. The black haired teen stood there limply as if the reality of the words had sucked all the energy out of him.  
  
"You can't blame yourself forever, anymore than you can change what happened. Conquering occlumency is quite an achievement; I was excited to see it happen, I failed to think how it would make you feel in relation to last year's events. But Harry you know how proud Black is of you, as are the rest of us."  
  
Harry trembled slightly. He stepped back out of Snape's embrace, wiping his face. "Do you think he knows?"  
  
Snape nodded, his dark eyes intent.  
  
Harry sighed finally looking up. "Sorry about all this."  
  
"I understand. I wish it hadn't been so painful for you. The grieving process Harry doesn't disappear in a week, month or even a year, those you study it say it takes three years for the full healing and acceptance to take place. I know you are deeply worried about the prophecy and I know you will forever be affected by the circumstances of your parent's deaths and the events surrounding Cedrics death. But Harry the more time I spend with you the more I start to believe that perhaps you do have a chance at defeating the dark lord."  
  
Harry shook his head. He hated hearing that everyone believed in him so much when all he could think about was losing everyone through his actions. "How exactly am I supposed to defeat him? Can you tell me that? Everyone thinks I can do it but no-one will tell me how!" Anger entered his voice again.  
  
"You know I can't tell you that because I don't know. But the force that can defeat him I believe is somewhere inside of you. I know this is a huge burden but you will one day be free of it. You need to prepare yourself for this fight by following your deepest instinctual drive. That will keep you alive and hopefully those you care about also."  
  
Harry visibly calmed and grew quiet for a few moments. He then looked up at Snape, his eyes serious. "Do you have to keep on being a death eater?"  
  
Snape looked puzzled, thrown by the sudden question. "Yes I do, why are you asking."  
  
Ignoring his question, Harry continued. "Why do have to keep doing it?"  
  
Snape grew uncomfortable under Harry's stare. He looked away. "Because it is my contribution to the light and it is my atonement for things I have done."  
  
"I don't want you to die." Harry explained quietly.  
  
Snape looked back into the earnest eyes. "I don't want you to die either. So I guess Potter we both better stay alive." He responded gruffly.  
  
Harry nodded looking at Snape worriedly.  
  
"Follow your instincts Harry, don't let anything or anyone sway you."  
  
Harry studied the dark eyes that looked at him with a caring warmth and smiled softly, the pain in his heart starting to ease a little bit.  
  
Snape saw the soft smile on Harry's face. He was amazed at what he was feeling. He actually felt proud of Harry. After despising him all these years, he found himself caring deeply about him and wanting to do whatever he needed to in order to keep him healthy, physically and emotionally. He was glad Dumbledore had persuaded him to teach him again. If he hadn't he would never have had this opportunity to end up caring for the green eyed teen. Lily's son. Lily would have been so proud. Proud of both of them.  
  
The thought brought a rare smile to Snape's lips as he looked at Harry. "I'm proud of you Potter, and I'm glad I was the one who taught you occlumency. Now go and have some fun with your friends, classes start tomorrow."  
  
Harry smiled wryly as he headed to the door. Just before he exited he turned and softly said. "I'm glad you did too."  
  
The End (for now until April, when this will be continued either here or as a sequel). I may do little one shots as I experiment at Hermione's romances. 


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